How can I have got it so wrong?

[JuniorMint]

DD is 11mo, can't self settle easily, poor sleep associations (bf to sleep or rocked/cuddled). I am exhausted physically from the night wakings but mostly mentally from the screaming and distress. She can and has slept longer stretches eg. to 3 or 4am, and even through to 6am on odd occasions- and on these occasioms I do hear her stir, moan out a bit then go back to sleep, which is why I say she cannot self settle easily not that she can't do it at all.

I no longer feed through the night as found it wasn't making any difference.

I don't rush in, and wait and give a few minutes to see if she settles. I stand by cot, shushing and patting/holding hand, replacing dummy and turning white noise machine on. But the screaming and distress is so much that I pick her up- once calmed down I put her back down to be met with immediate screams. Sometimes I sit holding her for a longer period (up to and over an hour) and manage to put her back down (or sometimes hold for long periods and put down to immediate screams), sometimes I bring her into bed with me.

I am getting fed up of sitting in the middle of the night reading websites and threads with suggestions like "why not try a calming lavender bath" or "put an item of your clothing in baby's cot", and eventually ending up reading about crying techniques- people who put "oh they cried for over an hour the first night, then only 40 minutes the second night!" etc- how on earth do people physically stand it?! I can't stand listening to screaming/distress for more than 3-4 minutes!

I feel like the worst mother in the world and have clearly done everything wrong when it comes to sleep when I thought I was doing it right. I don't get how ignoring your baby's cries for help and attention can be so right and cuddling them to soothe can be so wrong. I just don't know what to do. I cry every night and feel like an utter failure. During the day she is happy, sunny, sociable, loving and has two naps of around an hour each in cot.

Hi,

Im not much help, but want you to know your not alone,

My DD - 23 months, has honest to god not slept through the night yet,
She never slept in her cot, I tried & tried & I cried & cried!

She would be sick everywhere with all the screaming, as a lone parent I could not deal with it.

We have co slept for 18 months since the moses basket, now, I know its not the answer for everyone, but it has saved my sanity a bit

Up until last week, she was still waking x 3 in the night for BF.
I have said no, & its working, she is still waking for a cuddle, but its an improvement.

You are not doing anything wrong.
Even tonight at bedtime, she was jumping on the bed, dancing, laughing, I try to ignore it but end up telling her off & to lay down.

It will get better, Its exhausting,
I honestly know how crap it is,

Thank you for your reply, I don't know how you do it as a single parent!! DH does help but it's no different and I obviously still hear the screaming from the other room. He is away this weekend so I feel like the walking dead! It's now 4.30am and after having tried for two hours of cuddling, putting down, screaming, picking up, cuddling, putting down, screaming etc, I have now brought her downstairs and she is happily playing on the floor. We were also up for an hour or so around 10.30 til midnight.

It sounds like she wants to be near you all the time, like my DD, I called her Koala Baby when she was younger, she spent all day clinging to my arm - god I remember having a one handed wee every few hours with her on my lap, Ridiculous
But thats just the way she is, Im hoping she will be less clingy!

I try to hide my exhaustion at work

Its so hard, maybe put her in with you, in a bit, but thats prob not a good habit to get into, its easier for me as its just us two, but I go up to bed with her every night at 7pm & I stay up here & watch t.v - I have no life!

I have a bed guard up so she doesn't roll out, and she goes back to sleep within minutes, of waking.

Im going to get her a single bed soon, fingers crossed it works.

I wish I could give you an answer but there really is no single solution, I have found.

I tried dream feeds, bed earlier, bed later, everything!

Feel your pain. My elder DD was a shocker and used to scream the place down at night. Especially when she was teething. I could never do controlled crying as a baby and once she got to be a toddler we did have to leave her to calm herself down as either DH or I going in there just made her more hysterical. I did find spacing out her feeds in the day helped with the night wakings when she was a baby but she also just got to a point where she didn't need to be fed to sleep or rocked and would sleep through no problems. She's almost 3 now and goes to sleep with no fuss, sleeps like a log.
Some babies just need a little longer to get the whole sleeping thing so do whatever you need to do to get through it - co sleeping etc.
My younger DD is only 4 months and feeds to sleep most of the time. She's still not slept through the night either! Suspect I'm in for the long road with this one too but I'm confident she will get there as well. It sounds silly but I'm enjoying baby cuddles right now as she is my last and I know I won't be able to cuddle up to her during the night when she gets bigger.
Good luck and I really hope she just gets it soon. Have some unmumsnetty hugs.

I totally understand your frustration. DD2 is 9 months and has never slept on her own in her cot.
Im an insomniac anyway so sit with her on the sofa for several hours each night after she has her nightime breastfeed. She never cries at night this way, its sort of co-sleeping (except I'm not asleep IYSWIM!)
It works for us, happy DD, DS and DH get a decent sleep (no point all of us being awake). The only advice I realky have is do what works for you. If you can safely co sleep then maybe give it a try. If not then look at the no cry sleep solution

Sorry also meant to say DS didn't sleep well until nearly 1 year. Then in a few weeks he dropped the breastfeed at night and slept well. He's 7 now and since Age 2 sleeps 7:30pm to 6am so I think just do what you need to do for now. Just because you co sleep or do night feeds now it doesn't mean you will still be doing the same when they are school age!

Thank you all for your replies. It nice to know I'm not alone! She's rubbing her eyes now so going go try and rock/cuddle her to sleep and lie down with her in my bed. I really don't mind cosleeping, it's just that it doesn't necessarily make for a better night's sleep. I am lucky in that I am using some leave to have an extended time off work so not going back just yet- I don't know how I'd cope!! But at the moment the extreme tiredness is eclipsed by how emotional I am in the dark of the night, hearing screaming and upset, feeling that it's my fault, that I've done things wrong, that I'm not meeting DD's needs.

I'm in the same boat here. 9mo sleeps with me and it is not making for a better sleep in the slightest. Any moves I make to get her into her cot fail because she roars the place down, waking her 2 elder siblings, and i find it hard enough to deal with one child being awake in the night, let alone if all 3 of them were looking for attention.

I have decided to bite the bullet and move her into the cot in a weeks' time (when back from holiday). It's going to be hell for a while but I'm already exhausted at work so I might as well be exhausted but at least making some progress at the same time.

We had a terrible time when we moved dc1 from a cot to a bed. One night I counted 400 'put backs' there were many many tears, but I just tell myself it can't be any worse than that, surely???

Please don't think it's your fault though op, we are all only muddling through doing the best we can.

Oh and my baby is such a wriggler that I've now had to start sleeping across the bottom of my bed so my feet hang off the end. It's amazing how something so small who brings so much joy also brings utter discomfort every night!

Firstly you do not have to leave them to cry to teach them to self settle. I always cuddled or fed ds to sleep at that age and then at about 2 years I did gradual retreat but only got as far as the door. I would sit at his door and read until he fell asleep every night and again if he woke in the night after giving him a cuddle. Just before he was 3 we bought an elephant night light and said Mr elephant will sit with you now and I leave the room straight after stories. I admit it's a long road but I just wanted you to know you haven't done anything wrong and they learn to self settle when they are ready.

I think people who say you should put them down awake etc just have babies that are ready for that. My 7 week old DD often self settles if left to it but ds never would have at that age.

My advice would be to read something different, don't judge yourself against others, it sounds as if you don't want to go the crying route. Babies evolved to want to sleep with mothers. Why don't you sleep well with her in the bed? Can you arrange a bigger safe place to cosleep? Futon on the floor, baby in fleece sleep suit and you have a blanket

Hi Juniormint, sleep deprivation is hard and having a little one that wakes up early or wakes in the night is a killer. Mine used to do this leading up to a new tooth appearing, in fact my 19 month old has been doing it for the last month (he's getting six at once). I think the teething pain is worse for them when laying down, mine also go nuts at nappy changing time because of this. I think teething makes them light sleepers and hence wriggle all over the place. Have you tried some teething gel?

I was on my knees with exhaustion with my daughter at 13 months. She was up normally about 10 times a night. I dreaded bedtime cos I knew I'd get no rest. I knew she could self settle she just didn't do it. I couldn't leave her screaming as I have a school age son.
We did controlled crying after Xmas and before ds went back to school. I was dreading it but she barely cried! Every time she woke I went in and cuddled her, laid her down and told her to go to sleep and then left. After 1-2 mins of crying she went to sleep. I was expecting so much worse and had no idea how I would have handled it but I was desperate I think sometimes when you try to get them back to sleep it winds then up even more. Have you tried a quick cuddle and lay them down and leave?

I'm sorry I've got no better advice. I was very lucky she didn't cry. I knew she could self settle so I was comfortable giving it a go. The good news is she now sleeps through with barely a peep.

Have you tried abandoning all of your thoughts about what you "should" do & just bring her into your bed? Pre-DC, I didn't understand people who co-slept or otherwise got up in the night as surely it was just a matter of being firm & consistent. DC1 changed my views & DC2 confirmed how wrong I was - and still does.
DC1 slept through for the odd month or so from 9mths but a new tooth or a cold would always throw her off kilter. If she wasn't sleeping through, she'd wake up around 2nd and, after trying CC & even CIO, I just brought her in with is where she'd instantly be quiet even if she didn't go to sleep. I could then go to sleep :-). From 27 months, she has regularly slept through apart from when she was having nightmares.
DC2 is almost 3 & just likes to be close to someone all the time. We're on holiday at the moment & he is sharing a room with DD and has slept through both nights, something he hasn't done for a few weeks at home. He does sleep through at home on occasion but normally toddles into join us around 4am. Putting him in a bed has been a huge improvement as now he cab come through to us himself rather than us go & get him from the cot.I keep meaning to deal with the battle of sending him back bit can't be bothered. That would clearly take time & will power whereas checking the duvet is safe takes seconds. DC2 is more disruptive in bed than DC1 is as he wiggles and wants to be draped over someone.
I do wish I had had better sleepers and am tempted to have a third in case it is a good sleeper & I could confirm my theory that they are just made but I am too scared to go through the sleep deprivation again!
I am not saying method is right but it does maximise my sleep which, for my sanity, health & ability to do my job, I decided was my priority.

Well we came up at 5.30 and she slept in bed with me until 7.00... Some respite at least! I am now going to have a read through people's responses- thank you everyone!

Do some babies just need less sleep than others?! She slept 7.30 to 10.30 then awake until midnight, then slept in cot midnight until 2.15 then up crying and being generally unsettled 2.15 to 4.30, then awake playing 4.30 to 5.30 then slept in bed with me until 7.00, so adding it up equals around 7 hours! And now she is up, had breakfast and playing/crawling around happy as anything! While I struggle to keep my eyes open!

DrownedGirl It's not that I sleep badly with her in the bed, when I said that cosleeping didn't necessarily make for a better night's sleep I meant that she still wakes screaming and upset. So I will cuddle her to sleep sitting up, then carefully lie her down next to me in bed, half of the time she will wake up and start crying again the same as if I had put her back in the cot. If I do successfully lie her down it will be with her head resting on my arm, lying on her side cuddles in towards me, so quite restrictive in movement for me. If I wait a little while I can sometimes gently slide my arm out and roll over- sometimes this will wake her and I need to start process again. Then I drift off and she might wake again 2 or 3 hours later.

So yes, I do bring her into bed with me, I have nothing against cosleeping- I actually quite like the cuddles! But it doesn't necessarily mean a better sleep.

I am not preoccupied with what DD should be doing- I just want some sleep! I don't even mind getting up a few times to help her resettle or even feed. For example the night before last she went down at 8pm, awake and had a cuddle at 11pm then back into cot, same again at midnight, then woke at 4.30 and had a feed and came into bed with me until 6.45- that was a good night that I felt human after!! It's the prolonged periods of screaming, won't lie down in cot or bed, wide awake wanting to play etc. that's the problem!

Sounds like teething to me, especially if you have good nights sometimes. My 11 month old is cutting molars and the night before last he was up crying about 4 times. Last night he was asleep by 7.30, woke at 10, then 11.30 and again at 12.45 at which point I gave him nurofen and he then slept 1 until 6.30. So teething can really mess up sleeping.

As far as sleep amounts go, each child is different but kids are also much better at hiding how sleep deprived they are. They can be a bit like Duracell bunnies! My nearly 12mo sleeps about 10/10.5hrs at night and about 2.5hrs of naps so 12 - 13 hours of sleep. I think this is slightly less than the guideline, but like I said, each child is different and they don't read the textbooks! He seems happy, healthy and growing well - he was walking at 10 months, so I'm not worried.

"During the day she is happy, sunny, sociable, loving"

Sounds like you're doing great to me

Im just wondering if she self settles for her daytime nap?

No, I cuddle her to sleep for day time naps and then put her down asleep, or she falls asleep in car or pram.

Not sure about teething as she doesn't seem to have any of the teething symptoms she's had for previous teeth but there could be some pushing pressure into her gums and causing discomfort. Will try some nurofen.

flipflops Thank you! She's a bit like Jekyll and Hyde at the moment wuth day and night time! Everywhere I go- cafes, groups etc, everyone comments on how smiley she is, how happy, "is she always this good?" etc, I always jokingly say "not at 2am ha ha". It does actually worry me if I decided to do a crying method (which to be honest is pretty unlikely), but would it affect her happy personality, would she become more clingy, anxious and mistrusting in the day time.

Personally I could never do the crying methods, for long.

I had her cot next to my bed & tried that, but even then she screamed, I managed about 15 mins tops of it, I tried going in & out of the room every few mins, but I gave up,

My health visitor said 50% sleep & 50% don't - arghhhhh

So Woodenheart what are the odds on getting a sleeper next time?!