How can I have got it so wrong?

[JuniorMint]

DD is 11mo, can't self settle easily, poor sleep associations (bf to sleep or rocked/cuddled). I am exhausted physically from the night wakings but mostly mentally from the screaming and distress. She can and has slept longer stretches eg. to 3 or 4am, and even through to 6am on odd occasions- and on these occasioms I do hear her stir, moan out a bit then go back to sleep, which is why I say she cannot self settle easily not that she can't do it at all.

I no longer feed through the night as found it wasn't making any difference.

I don't rush in, and wait and give a few minutes to see if she settles. I stand by cot, shushing and patting/holding hand, replacing dummy and turning white noise machine on. But the screaming and distress is so much that I pick her up- once calmed down I put her back down to be met with immediate screams. Sometimes I sit holding her for a longer period (up to and over an hour) and manage to put her back down (or sometimes hold for long periods and put down to immediate screams), sometimes I bring her into bed with me.

I am getting fed up of sitting in the middle of the night reading websites and threads with suggestions like "why not try a calming lavender bath" or "put an item of your clothing in baby's cot", and eventually ending up reading about crying techniques- people who put "oh they cried for over an hour the first night, then only 40 minutes the second night!" etc- how on earth do people physically stand it?! I can't stand listening to screaming/distress for more than 3-4 minutes!

I feel like the worst mother in the world and have clearly done everything wrong when it comes to sleep when I thought I was doing it right. I don't get how ignoring your baby's cries for help and attention can be so right and cuddling them to soothe can be so wrong. I just don't know what to do. I cry every night and feel like an utter failure. During the day she is happy, sunny, sociable, loving and has two naps of around an hour each in cot.

DS was a bad sleeper, we didn't really crack it til he was 3yo. In the end I had a blow up mattress tucked behind my bedroom door and a spare duvet. When he cried in the night I would grab the mattress and duvet and kip on his floor. No talking, touching etc. just me pretending to sleep. Eventually we'd both doze off. At least I was getting a few hours each night and DS gradually got used to having zero interaction .

I didn't think I'd cosleep, but now at 13 months usually end up doing so. Very clingy to me at night, even though she hasn't breast fed for months, happy as anything with DH any other time of the day! I've (mostly) ended up giving up trying to analyse and plan how to tackle it. Have a look at the Misery loves Company thread on the sleep board to further reassure you that you haven't done anything wrong, some babies just aren't so quick to sleep as the rest of the country seemingly expects them to! (I say country as I am increasingly learning that to expect babies to sleep through away from their parents is a fairly recent western expectation).
Focus on the happy times you get in the day and remember that this will (eventually) pass.

Hey JuniorMint, you sound like me about three months ago. When DS was 10 months old he had not slept through the night once. Not only that, it took hours to get him to sleep (rocking, singing, bouncing until my arms fell off) only for him to wake up again 2 hours later and start the whole process all over again. I was not planning on co-sleeping but I relented because I was beside myself with sleep deprivation and on the verge of passing out on the spot. Unfortunately like with your baby it didn't resolve anything. DS would still wake up distressed and would only stop crying if I would walk him around the house. I literally changed into a rocking, singing and bouncing zombie. Things kept on getting progressively worse. Instead of the soothing actually having a SOOTHING effect, it just seemed to feed into a never ending cycle of both of us not sleeping. Eventually I said to my partner that I wanted to do sleep training with a sleep consultant. It is the best decision I ever made.

I worked remotely with the consultant (she lives in the States somewhere), I gave her our history and she put together a plan. From getting started I had one week of unlimited email support. And that support is the key to success. I had access to an experienced consultant who was talking the sense of a woman who SLEEPS. Like you I couldn't stand the crying, I felt there was no way I could leave DS to cry for any longer than - oh I don't know - one minute. The sleep deprivation makes all your nerve endings so raw and frayed that it's like listening to nails on a chalkboard isn't it

Anyway, we had an awful first evening. DS cried for 1,5 hours before finally falling asleep (I went in at regular intervals for a quick check and settle) and again for 40 min during the night (again going in at regular intervals). DS screamed hysterically and it felt unbearable to me. The only way I could manage it was by sitting in the kitchen under the extraction fan (on full whack) while drinking red wine to calm my nerves. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and I felt like the worst mother in the world. But my sleep consultant put things in perspective for me the next day. She said that the limited crying for a couple of nights during sleep training was nothing compared to all the crying DS was going to do night after night, month after month if we didn't resolve this. And she was so right. The next night DS cried for 10 minutes and slept through the night for the first time in his life. He is 13 months now and a very happy, well rested little boy. He usually sleeps from 7pm to 6.30am and then does 2 naps a day. The dark circles under his eyes are gone and so are mine!

When I was still a despairing bleary eyed mum and thought I would never sleep again I vowed to support other mums going through the same thing if I ever got on the other side of it. So give yourself permission to get yourself the help you need and deserve! Not having to do it on your own and being able to ask all your questions and discuss the hiccups on the way makes all the difference. It's the best 80 pounds I ever spent.

Good luck, I'm rooting for you both!

JuniorMint
You sound like me. I have no advice but i wanted to wade in with a bit of sympathy.
My 10 month has got me to the point of regretting having her my sleep deprivation is so bad.

The same as you she is a lovely sunny happy baby during the day but a nightmare at night.

I EBF until 7 months then went to FF. We co-sleep and still do. I rock her to sleep then put her in the cot and she will sleep but can wake every hour, sometimes more often, I will bring her in to bed with me after continuous wake ups.
She never took a dummy but after i changed to the bottle she will take one which helps settle slightly but not a lot.
She doesn't have milk during the night.
She will nap during the day in the car/pram or rocking her.

She screams till the point of being sick if i leave her. I really don't want to do CC. I don't mind co-sleeping but now I'm back at work I can't leave her in my bed while i get up and ready as she has no fear and will chuck herself out.

I'm starting to get angry at her and shouting at her and feel like I'm a bad mum because I resent her so much. Last night she went down about 9pm ish, woke up a few times. Brought her in to my bed at 12am. Woke screaming at 1am and wouldn't got back to sleep till 4am. Woke a few more times then up for the day at 8am.

Sending lots of virtual wine/chocolate/tea your way. You are not alone!