HELP! Baby only sleeps on me so I can't sleep when baby sleeps (SIDS)

[Ladi85]

Hello

This is my first time posting and I really hope someone can offer some help. This is going to be a a very long post, TIA for reading...

I am a first time mum to a beautiful 9 week old dd and am EBF. From around 3-4 weeks of age she seemed to become uncomfortable sleeping, making grunting noises, bringing legs up and waking from sleeping on back (in crib); if we left her it eventually turned in to crying. Dr and HV said she seemed colicky and windy (no excessive crying though). Anyway it seemed to be trapped wind so we tried all the usual infacol gripe water etc but nothing helped. The only way she seemed comfortable and could get any sleep was to sleep on her front on somebody, so we made the decision to let her sleep on us (that's me, dh and family members - I live with PIL). We are totally scared of SIDS risk so we stay awake whilst dd sleeps; this is 24-7 so sleeping when baby sleeps is not an option for me, I only sleep when someone else can hold her whilst she naps. I get anywhere between 3-5 hours per night depending on who is around to help and no sleep during day. This has continued for several weeks and as you can imagine I am exhausted. The wind seems to have settled now so we are trying to put dd down in crib but she wakes straight away. Have read about as much advice as possible online about transitioning to crib. Nothing is working and I don't know how much longer I can carry on like this.

I am so tired that I don't feel I am being the mum I want to be during the day to my dd, I am not going out regularly, I just don't have the energy. I am feeding on demand and we have no proper routine whatsoever. She has started to sleep anywhere between 3-6 hours for first stretch of night but this doesn't fill me with any excitement as I know that's only possible when she is snug on someone's chest!

My plan of action so far is

• put her to play in crib daily to help her get used to it (she lasts about 15 mins before wanting to be picked up)
• make crib environment as mum like as possible (smells, warmth etc)
• try pick up down method when she is 3+ months
• if she doesn't settle by 3-4 months consider switching to ff (really not my preference but I am beyond tired). I don't know if that will help with sleep (maybe it will knock her out as apparently it's heavier and she will sleep better?! If anything it can mean other ppl can help with feeding (she tends to cluster feed in evenings so even when dh/family are around to hold her whilst she sleeps, I need to be awake to feed her constantly)
• I do not want to cosleep (as in place her next to me in bed for the long term) not that it works anyway, she's not happy unless on someone. Again scared of SIDS and it becoming a long term habit.

I worry that if she doesn't sleep on someone then she won't get the rest she needs. She literally wakes anywhere from immediately to ten minutes after being put down. If I knew there was an end to this I could carry on but I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel and am worrying about her sleeping on someone becoming a habit. Sometimes I feel so negative, I knew becoming a mum would be hard and that I'd be tired but I thought I would get more sleep albeit broken, especially at this stage .

Can anyone offer any advice, in particular about whether ff may help and if the feeding schedule would be more structured?

Thanks very much xx

I forgot to add, dd was born with a low birth weight which is why I am very scared re sids risk

If she's sleepong on you you really can go to sleep. She's not face first into a mattress and she's right next to you so your breathing will regulate hers.

Try putting her in a Moses basket in your bed - that way she is next to you but separate. You can sleep with eg, your hand on her chest and she will be able to hear you breathe.

She is still very little and babies change their patterns all the time so you are not forming her sleep patterns for life or 'making a rod for
your own back' etc.

I know it's really hard when you're exhausted but really try and get the risk of SIDS in proportion - many many babies have low birth weight but parents have to sleep when their babies sleep! Otherwise you will become ill with exhaustion, which is a risk in itself.

I have no idea how you're staying awake. DS is 14 weeks and alternates between sleeping on me and in crib, I physically cannot stay awake but like you am worried re SIDS and also would love him to sleep in his crib. never had any issues with DD.
Re putting him in his crib try and wait 20mins after he's fallen asleep before you put him down, I was told to do this with DS because he was waking after 5 mins too and it does work.
also if he's only little and still only a few weeks old he's probably trying to establish your supply so will want to be near you to get your hormones going to produce enough milk.
it is bloody hard work but you really must sleep when baby sleeps or you'll make yourself il

sorry She not he!!

My DS would only sleep tummy down on someone for the first 3 months and we managed by taking turns with the two of us as you describe; we also used a wrap sling, and the person wearing him would doze sitting upright in a chair once he was sound asleep; and I used to prop myself on several pillows in the middle of the bed (DH in the spare room) and then doze while he slept on my chest.

It's not great but it won't last for ever. Don't worry about not having a routine etc - all that will come in time. My son never slept any time in his Moses basket but by the time he was 4-5 months he was sleeping in his cot a bit and by 6-7 months he was sleeping fair chunks of the night in his own room. That sounds like forever away I know but you just need to take one day at a time, ignore helpful advice from people whose babies were amazing sleepers from day one, and be gentle on yourself while sleep is so disturbed.

In my son's case it was reflux (he was sick up to 40 times a day so not difficult to spot) but it may not be that - some babies are just 'Velcro babies' and want to be held to feel safe.

Hope you can find a way through and I'm glad you have support from family, that will definitely help.

My DD would only sleep on her tummy. I used to sleep next to her but she slept on her tummy from 1 month old. There was no other war out of it.

If I were you I would get the sensor mat and put baby on tummy and sleep next to baby.

oh I remember the sleep deprived haze so much. It is really really hard but you will get through this. What have you tried in the moses basket? Warming with hot water bottle? Putting muslin under your top so smells of you and putting this in basket? I used to have to get ds into a very deep sleep before could put him down which meant every time he woke I was awake a while but eventually he would go down.

I know some people who used bed nests like a 3 sided cot attached to bed so baby is next to you but no sids risk. Ds went through phases of sleeping well in moses basket in day then night. All changed all the time. Will she fall asleep in carry cot if taken for a walk? Might be worth a try as then you can sleep when get back or others take her out. It is just a phase...

I had a real 'fourth trimester' baby that just wanted to be snuggled next to me 24/7. Which meant sling during the day and sleeping on me at night.

I second what others have said - really it's OK to sleep whilst they are asleep on you. I did it every night for the first three months, and for naps during the day. I'm normal a heavy sleeper but when he was asleep on me I was in a very 'alert' sleep plus I never moved an inch - it's just instinct. Even after I started getting him to sleep in his crib I still used to have 'phantom baby' where if I stirred in the night I would think I was holding him.

I propped myself up with a big L-shaped pillow which kept me supported and comfortable but meant I couldn't really have moved even if I wanted to.

My other recommendation would be a sleepyhead pillow - we had this on our bed between me and DH and eventually it got so I could gently roll DS into it after he fell asleep and he would be snug and safe - I could still sleep right next to him with my arm round him but there is no way you can roll onto them. After a few weeks like this transitioned the sleepyhead into a sidecar crib (we had a bednest), then moved bednest into his room, which is where he is now, next step transitioning from bednest to cot!

Things will change, you just have to do what works at any given stage, especially when they are still tiny.

My first was like this, we got her to sleep proped on her side in the crib next to our bed. But her problem was defiantly reflux and was sick a lot. But after the sleep deprivation I suffered with her and knowing the small risks involved I said never again. When DS came along and stared being unstealed I put him on his front. He slept much better, it was the only risk factor he had for SIDS he slept in a side car cot in our room for over 12months (which is actually what the WHO recommended rooming in for 12months that is). He had every sleep in the same room as asn adult even sleeping in the travel cot in the evening with us. He slept so much better then his big sister ever did. They where both breastfed till 3years old. I don't think formula helps really I've friends with babies who slept worse who where formula fed. plus it increase the SIDS risk so as I was already doing one thing I was about to introduce something else. Even side sleeping can be risky, as soon as DD could roll she rolled onto her front and slept better. She was more comfortable that way.

You must be exhausted! DD slept on my chest with me propped upright on pillows for the first four months. No amount of warming the mattress or t-shirts that smelt of me would get her into the crib. In fact, she had (and still has) silent reflux, and was uncomfortable most of the time. With the right medication I managed to get her to co-sleep alongside me and it was brilliant. If done properly it can be quite safe, and was certainly safer than our previous arrangement. I was also terrified by the risk of SIDS, but had to weigh that against my own need for sleep and DD's safety with me the rest of the time when I was exhausted to the point of hallucinating. Would you consider a co-sleeping crib maybe? Or one of those Sleepyhead things?

I'm afraid I disagree with a few of the other comments about it being OK to sleep when your baby is on you - I am no expert but this comes from a conversation I had with my GP when we discussed which of the SIDS risk factors are the higher ones. I have dozed off with my DD on me in the early stages (unplanned through sleep depravation) but you are doing the right thing by trying to avoid it.
The sleep depravation really is full on. But it's also normal - at least no one I have ever spoken to didn't go through it. You do get through the other side.

Every baby (and parent) is different but here are my views on a few things that could help:

I found putting my T-shirt I'd been wearing all day around (and tucked in so there were no loose bits) the moses basket mattress helped.

I used to hold my LO for 20 mins after a feed, then get her down when I thought she was fully asleep. My DD had reflux so I had to hold her upright for 20 mins after each feed - perhaps this made getting her down easier.

I used to loosely swaddle then progressed to sleeping bags. There is a lot of information on the dangers of swaddling but I found if I wrapped my DD loosely in something (you could use a cellular blanket) before holding her she noticed less when I put her down - because something is all around her she probably felt a little like she was still being held. Then when I put her down I would (and still do!) hold her and leave my hand on her chest until she seemed properly asleep again.

To get her into the moses basket I would sneak her down when I thought she was fully asleep, then curl up round the basket so I couldn't roll on her but she was very close. After 2 nights of sleeping on the bed with her in the basket I then moved the basket to right next to the bed then slowly further away.

When she woke at night and started shuffling I'd shush her or start breathing very heavily - so she know she wasn't on her own.

Some people I know used to top up their babies with formula as a last feed at night. Personally it didn't work for me but don't beat yourself up if you try formula. If you are predominantly breastfeeding then using formula as a top up isn't going to do any harm.

Apart from that it was grit and determination. You probably don't want to hear this but I spent hours at night rocking her basket. When she woke I'd get her up and change, feed and resettle her and if she cried I wouldn't get her up again (not until I was desperate). I wouldn't just let her cry it out but I'd shush her, rock her, put my hand on her chest and if I had to I'd either use a dummy or let her suck my finger. But I'm afraid this would go on for hours... sometimes 2 hours at a time. Then I'd get her up and start all over again. So I had some nights where I hardly slept at all. But it did work as she learnt to settle in the basket.

I brought a breathing monitor and put DD to sleep on her tummy.

newmum I had similar conversations and was told unplanned sleeping with your baby is risky but planned co-sleeping is not so much. My HV said 'well I can't officially condone it but put it this way, most parents will do it at least some of the time'. She said the vast majority of SIDS deaths linked to co-sleeping had other factors involved (often drugs, alcohol, smoking).

In an ideal world you'd have you baby safely asleep on a nice firm mattress on his back. But sometimes needs must - we tried every tip in the book and DS just cried and cried, he wouldn't even sleep laying next to me at first, only on my chest.

I'm not saying it's the safest thing to do, but lots of people do it because they don't have any realistic choice.

Hi everyone, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Some really valid points about sids risk vs what is manageable and healthy for me. I guess we have alternated holding dd because we have family to help. I'm sure if it was just Dh and I, we would've had to doze with dd on us (I have accidentally anyway).

I will try all the tips above and am trying to put dd down during day as I have more energy to deal with frequent wakings and feeds needed to settle her again. At night it is much harder. I will also try prone sleeping and if that seems to work will definitely invest in a sensor mat monitor.

I guess the formula option won't help with her sleep but will help with mine but that really is the last resort.

Thanks again x

Also I think half the battle is the mental stress thinking your baby is not doing what they 'should' be or what other babies do (eg I'd be happy if I could just put dd down once asleep let alone when drowsy ) I may just have to accept I have a needy baby and accept cosleeping...then think about breaking habits later down the line

I have been co-sleeping with my lo for ages- if you are a bf mum - you sleep much lighter anyway. Look up safe co-sleeping guidelines

Reading this has been really reassuring for me as my 5 day old is often not sleeping in his bednest or moses basket (although will for short stretches) but happily sleep in my arms or lying on me or DH. Fell asleep with him on my arm last night half in and half out of bednest and woke an hour later feeling guilty. Really need some sleep!

Ladi I wouldn't worry about bad habits at this age, particularly because of the silent reflux. She has reflux so when you lie her flat on her back she is in pain. It's not her being needy.

Yes definitely don't worry about bad habits at this stage! They will change. At six months DS's sleeping habits have turned upside down numerous times. He now sleeps much better in his cot or buggy, and less well on me or in the sling - three months ago that was the complete reverse. Do what works and what you're comfortable with taking SIDS risks into account.

It gets better! DS is 20 weeks now and sleeps in his cot next to our bed. At one point I thought I would never get him to sleep anywhere but on one of us. In hindsight I wish I'd swaddled him but there we go!

Poor you! I remember this stage so well - it's hideous!

First - please don't worry about a routine or anything. She's still tiny and of you want to establish a routine, then that can come much later. (NB. Plenty of babies have no routine whatsoever and are absolutely fine )

I tried everything to get DD settled when she was like this. There was no magic solution and slowly she just got better, but some of these things helped:

• propping her up on her side in the Moses basket with rolled up towels

• having the head of the Moses basket raised

• buying a cocoonababy (actually this was for DC2, but it was brilliant)

• sleeping on tummy (but didn't do this til much later - around 6 months, when very able to lift and move head)

• naps in a stretchy wrap sling

• rocking in pram

• cosleeping (didn't do this with DC1 as too afraid - did with DC2 and it's transformed my coping ability)

I would opt for safe, planned cosleeping with baby next to me in bed over baby sleeping on me and running the risk of me falling asleep and baby falling off.

It will get better.

Thanks everyone

Polkadotdelight - how did things change? Was it perseverance or did your lo suddenly change? Just wondering if it's worthwhile persevering with trying to put dd down in crib in the hope that she will learn to love it more than me! Or shall I just accept this stage and that she wants close contact...

Blushingmare - I will try baby on side if I can get her to settle there!! Am currently side nursing with hope that she will fall asleep next to me. Seems like she can comfort nurse forever like this and not actually fall in to deep sleep

ladi for us the change from this stage was gradual - my initial objective was to get him sleeping next to me rather than on me, which required a bit of repetition and trial and error but mostly waiting until he was ready. So we might try one day and if it was a complete disaster not try again for a bit. But if we were making progress we'd keep it up the next night (and sometimes you think you're making progress and then you have to take a step back, fickle babies!)

Sounds exactly like my baby - now 5 month old and things slowly improving.
Agree with what others have said - having baby sleeping on you is not such a massive risks long as bed is safe etc. I read sweet sleep by le leche league v reassuring re: co-sleeping esp having baby sleep on chest which was my little mans fave position!
Also second what another poster said - sleepyhead nest was a lifesaver for us! He now sleeps in that in his cosleeper cot most of time, sometimes sleeps in it in our bed.
Good luck!