Would you allow your 5year old son to sleep in a bed alone with his step grandfather

[victoria221122]

HI, My son was going to sleep at my mums last night when I rang to ask if he was ok, I was told on the phone that he was going to sleep in a different room with his step grandfather. I felt uncomfortable about this and went round to see him and whilst there whispered to my mum please can he sleep with you instead to which she replied I suggest you leave and take your son with you and don't ask me to have the kids again. Of which my son heard this. Do you think I was being unreasonable. I feel my mum has put this man before her own flesh and blood. My mum isn't married to this man, he has been with my mum for about ten years but I have no bond with him He is very Rude and abrupt and talk about my siblings behind our backs. Am I being unreasonable ? thank you for your comments.

I can see both points of view here though, your dm may have been upset by the insinuation that you thought something untoward would go on and overreacted to that.
Either way if you were uncomfortable with it you were absolutely right to voice that and you certainly shouldn't have left ds there under those circumstances.

Hi they normally share a super kingsize bed. I had already asked my mum before he went if he could sleep with her as he had been having nightmares that week.

Becles - I did not imply anything , i just whispered to her can he not sleep with you instead. I was very aware I did not want to hurt anyones feelings hence the whisper ! However my son comes first above and beyond my stepfathers feelings. I did not wish to upset anyone, just felt it inappropriate.

I think it sounds like your mum is a bit controlling, to be honest she sounds like my mum, does outlandish things then acts as though you are at fault.... I could be reading it wrong but I could see my mother doing this and acting like I was the bad guy.

yellowdaisies there's a big difference between being "alone with a child" and sleeping in the same bed without (in this case) the OP's DM there as well. You are hardly comparing apples with apples here! There does NOT have to be an implication of heinous crime, it's to do with norms of society. For example, I would not quite happily share a bed with my BIL, or FIL, even though there is zero chance of anything improper happening, it is just not APPROPRIATE or even normal to want to, if can be avoided. And the bed sharing here CAN be avoided, either by DS having his own bed, or DS and DM sharing. Those two options have been sidestepped for the least normal/favourable option - DS sharing with DMs' partner - WHY?

Becles "On the other hand, you are entitled to whatever qualms you feel as long as you accept this can cause upset and anger in others who in turn feel accused of a heinous crime." What heinous crime has been accused?

OP feels that (quite naturally) it is more appropriate for her DS to sleep with his DGM because (presumably in her opinion) they are closer, and if the OP's DM and her partner normally sleep together I still can't see the need for them sleeping seperately whilst DS is on a sleepover.

If there's two beds, why aren't DM and her partner in one as normal and DS in the other one? If it's because DS wants to share a bed I would think it also natural that the step grandad would not WISH to share a bed with the DS over the DM and would step down from it quite happily.

There is no suggestion of anything improper going on whatsover. It's just about APPROPRIATE behaviour and choosing the most appropriate option as a matter of norm. That is all.

Apologies, mixed and matched my responses to posters there, but you get the drift :)

Thank you OhMittens that's just how I feel

victoria there's nothing at all to suggest there is anything improper in it at all, but as his mum, you are absolutely right to stick to what you feel is right for your DS even if it upset your mum. I wholeheartedly applaud you for going round when you heard the sleeping arrangements that you weren't happy about, and then having the bottle to say something, because it's very hard to do so especially with family members, but the fact is your DS comes first every time and it's your job to make things as comfortable and right and safe for him as you can.

Good on you. And please don't be put off from speaking up for your DS in the future for fear of upsetting someone. Carry on speaking up for him :)

I'd let my dc sleep in the same bed as their step grandad yes. But I trust him 100%.

That doesn't mean you should let your dc do the same if you don't feel comfortable though.

YANBU it is bizarre wanting to share a bed with a small child unless it is yours.

and also, he is not your child's 'step grandfather' he is a man who lives with your mum.

Thank you everyone - I am officially the bad guy in the family - but I appreciate all of your comments and I stand by my morals and decision

Absolutely no if you have reservations. Your mum should respect that.

Tbh, your mum has every right to be the official bad guy here, not you victoria !!! There is no reason whatsoever (unless Dm had projectile VnD/equally horrific contagious illness an you couldn't get there to pick ds up) for anyone who is not blood related to a child to co-sleep with them if you don't 100% trust them... But either way, I'd have paid a thousand pounds in taxi fares to get ds If I were in your situation and couldn't drive to get him. ignore my probably incoherent post, I've had an hours kip

IMHO there is a huge difference between a child wandering into the bedroom in a sleepy state and choosing where to sleep

and grown adults insisting on a sleeping arrangement that seems difficult to explain simply

there are hundreds of my friends and my friends partners that cause me no concern about sleeping arrangements

However there are other people in our social circle that I wouldn't allow my dd alone with never mind sleeping with.

I think you did the right thing. If they choose to be offended that's up to them, but the consequences are too high

If you are wrong about your mothers boyfriend - they get upset
If you are right about your mothers boyfriend - xxxx

From the OP it sounds as if step GF and OP's DS would be alone all night without the grandmother there.

I was told on the phone that he was going to sleep in a different room with his step grandfather. I felt uncomfortable about this and went round to see him and whilst there whispered to my mum please can he sleep with you instead

In which case, I would have taken my son home and wondered why the decision for him and the step GF to be alone all night was made and who made it. Dodgy as hell if you ask me.