Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Sleep

Join our Sleep forum for tips on creating a sleep routine for your baby or toddler. Need more advice on your childs development? Sign up to our Ages and Stages newsletter here.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Would you allow your 5year old son to sleep in a bed alone with his step grandfather

67 replies

victoria221122 · 08/02/2015 19:04

HI, My son was going to sleep at my mums last night when I rang to ask if he was ok, I was told on the phone that he was going to sleep in a different room with his step grandfather. I felt uncomfortable about this and went round to see him and whilst there whispered to my mum please can he sleep with you instead to which she replied I suggest you leave and take your son with you and don't ask me to have the kids again. Of which my son heard this. Do you think I was being unreasonable. I feel my mum has put this man before her own flesh and blood. My mum isn't married to this man, he has been with my mum for about ten years but I have no bond with him He is very Rude and abrupt and talk about my siblings behind our backs. Am I being unreasonable ? thank you for your comments.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

goldvelvet · 08/02/2015 19:29

Yellow daisies so people should allow their children to be in bed with a person alone as not to make the person feel bad/untrusted? bonkers.

gamerchick · 08/02/2015 19:31

Well my son sleeps in with my husband.. respect to him because I can't share a bed with him but they are very close.

This isn't really would you do it situation though because every family is different. You trusted your instincts and that's the end of it. Instincts are good.

wetbehindtheears · 08/02/2015 19:31

Good go, no way.

WHY would anyone WANT to do this? It's really odd. What odes your DS say about this man generally?

MrsDumbledore · 08/02/2015 19:32

Depends on the relationship you have with them. In your situation yanbu. Have never been one for regular Co sleeping anyway, but would only happy with dd being in bed with someone both she and I was very comfortable with and close to eg in my case I think it would only be one of my parents or mil. If you aren't close with or like this man then no way would I be happy with that. Have a horrible feeling we are going to have to deal with this issue / set boundaries as mil's partner is moving in with her. We don't know him well and although dd doesn't co sleep she is used to being able to climb into bed with mil for a cuddle, which I just wouldn't feel right about if he was there too (not suspicious of him and nothing against him personally, but just wouldn't feel right). So I think we might either be avoiding sleep overs or having very awkward conversations soon...

Original poster

victoria221122 · 08/02/2015 19:33

Id also like to point out that my son was asked to stay as they thought it would be nice for him , my daughter was home with me. My kids very rarely stay there or go round there without me, maybe once every few months. I dont rely on my mum for childcare at all.

OP posts:

yellowdaisies · 08/02/2015 19:34

No that's not what I said. If the OP doesn't think her mum's DP is safe to be left alone with her DS then she shouldn't ask her DM to look after him.

Personally I wouldn't have a problem with my DC sleeping in a bed with an adult family member. But that's because I don't have any family members I don't trust, not because I'd feel a need not to make them feel bad/untrusted. Someone I didn't trust (or whose live in partner I didn't trust) would not be looking after my 5 year old child overnight

Original poster

victoria221122 · 08/02/2015 19:37

yellowdaisies - I did not ask them to look after him, they asked if he wanted to stay as a treat. My daughter was at home with me. I have no problem with co sleeping. My son slept in same bed as my brother a few months back

OP posts:

Mistlewoeandwhine · 08/02/2015 19:43

A friend of mine was sexually abused during sleepovers at her grandfather so I would not allow this to happen at all. It's much better to be a paranoid parent than have an abused child.

jellymaker · 08/02/2015 19:44

I think if they asked him to come and stay and then t his man wanted to co sleep with your ds when he normally sleeps with your mum, y ou have something pretty odd going on. As hard as it must be to do, it looks like you need to keep your son a way from him completely . Why would a grown man opt to sleep with a child over his grandma if he didn't have a very close relationship already. This has red flags written all over it.

yellowdaisies · 08/02/2015 19:44

I guess that's tricky if they put you on the spot and asked in front of your DS.

But still might be better to make some excuse if you're not comfortable with your mums DP being alone with your DS. What I mean is that it's natural for your DM to trust him - he's her partner. She's therefore going to feel it's fine for him to be alone with your DS. If you don't share that view, then you can't really leave DS in your DM's care

iwasyoungonce · 08/02/2015 19:49

You did the right thing OP. If for any reason at all you felt uncomfortable then it would be extremely unreasonable NOT to have spoken up. Good for you. Your DC always come first - WAY above the possibility of hurting someone's feelings.

I wonder whether your DM was also concerned, hence her overreaction and insistence you took him home.

iwasyoungonce · 08/02/2015 19:53

The more I think about it, the more I think your DM knows it is dodgy. That's why she's saying "don't bring him here again". She's protecting your DS.

justbatteringon · 08/02/2015 19:56

YANBU I would have no problem with my DC sleeping in with my mother but never would I let my DC sleep alone with her H.
It would ring alarm bells for me that they asked for him to stay.

Original poster

victoria221122 · 08/02/2015 19:57

My son does like her partner and I dont think anything untoward was going on but I feel my mum should have respected my wishes that he slept with her instead. My son prob asked to sleep with the partner thinking it was fun or something however I do feel it was inappropriate and that my mum should have stepped in. My husband would def have not considered sleeping with a child if it was not his child.

OP posts:

Original poster

victoria221122 · 08/02/2015 19:58

thank you all for your comments

OP posts:

DreamingOfAHotDrink · 08/02/2015 20:04

I agree with the poster who said your Mum knows something is not right, and that is why she said don't bring him back.

Even if a child that was not mine asked to sleep with me, I would not agree to it.

I would have done the same as you OP, YANBU.

ggirl · 08/02/2015 20:13

My first thoughts when reading the OP was that your mum was warning you as she didn't trust her partner with your child

randomAXEofkindness · 08/02/2015 20:13

Also have big flashing red flags in front of my eyeballs. I'm really glad you brought him home.

randomAXEofkindness · 08/02/2015 20:18

It could be true that the grandmother had reservations about it. However, it looks like she was still going to let it happen before the op stepped in, indicating that she can't be trusted to protect the dc either way.

Monkeybrain10 · 08/02/2015 20:29

Very odd behaviour from both of them. Trust your instinct on this. It seems a strange set up. Maybe your mum is feeling pressurised from step father? Maybe her ultimatum to you is because she is uncomfortable about it too? Just a thought. Don't feel bad about it - you are doing your best as a mother to protect your child.

StayGoldPonyBoy · 08/02/2015 20:36

I find it a strange situation, nothing to do with the actual family member but more the insistence your son MUST sleep with your mum's partner I'm so glad you took him home. Something just isn't sitting right.

FishWithABicycle · 08/02/2015 20:45

Either your mum has complete trust in her boyfriend and was massively offended by your perfectly reasonable feeling that you weren't comfortable with your DS sharing a bed with him.

Or your DM is under the thumb of someone she doesn't think has entirely innocent motivations and while she doesn't feel able to LTB she has been able to heroically manoeuvre your DS out of danger without having to be overt which might have come with consequences that she feared.

Jessicahyde85 · 08/02/2015 20:50

No you bloody well are not!!!!!!!!!!!

JeanSeberg · 08/02/2015 20:56

What are the normal sleeping arrangements for your mum and her partner? Why wouldn't your son be offered his own room while they share?

ApplesTheHare · 08/02/2015 20:56

No OP you're not being unreasonable or paranoid. That's a strange situation indeed, stick with your gut feeling. I just asked DH about it and he said he'd feel weird co-sleeping with a child that wasn't his because (unless all your houses had burned down or the world was ending or something) there isn't really any reason to do so. As a grown man you want a good night's sleep not to bedshare with a small wriggly child. Hope things are ok with your mum

Flip

1 2 3