I'm really struggling with my 11 week old baby

[Babybru1]

My 11 week old baby is very unsettled & cries a lot. Days are so hard as my husband is upstairs trying to sleep because he works nights whilst I try to entertain my crying baby all day. We are struggling to get a day time routine. My baby will only nap on me and when he is awake he isn't settled. I'm struggling to do literally anything in the day. My baby sleeps okay on a night in his cot but I'm so exhausted that I need to go to bed as soon as he does which is between 20:00 & 22:00. I also suffer with fatigue due to my Crihns Disease. My baby's tried everything for colic with no success. We are now trying infant Gaviscon for reflux as he is very sick during the day. My baby doesn't like slings/baby carriers. He will sit in his bouncer/rocker seat for a few mins or lay on his play mat for a few mins. Any help/advice/support welcome from mums especially those with husbands/partners who work nights. My poor husband is exhausted due to the lack of sleep. He can't change his shifts and changing his job isn't an option. HELP!

Morning ContentedSidewinder,

We live in Bradford West Yorkshire.

My health visitor is working with me to help me gain confidence to go to our local childrens centre. My main struggle is getting out the door as I struggle to get us both ready amongst the crying, feeding, sickness & nappy changing! Which leads to my anxiety heightening and then I loose the initial confidence to go out. I've manage to go out for walks with him in his pram as I only put my trousers on & then I put my coat on over my PJ top as I really struggle to get washed & dressed. Plus I don't need to think about packing a bag for baby with everything in. But I can't do this to go to a baby group. I would need to get dressed, pack a bag, prepare bottles etc

With it being school holidays a lot of groups are on hold.

I really don't know what to do in terms of his reflux because every change we make really upsets him even more for a week or so and then he resettles to how he was before we made the change. His cot is elevated and he sleeps fairly well at night (waking once or twice for a feed). Days & napping are the challenge which is made worse by the fact that my husband is upstairs trying to sleep as he works nights. If my husband wasn't in bed I think I would find things easier. It's a challenge I need to learn to manage, & I am trying but it's proving difficult. On my husbands days off I cope with letting my baby cry whilst I brush my teeth for example as I know it's not effecting anyone but when my husbands sleeping I know he will be woken & he needs his sleep as he has a manual job involving operating machinery. It's not option for my husband to change his shifts as his job role involves night shift work only. He would have to have a total career change & probably retrain as all jobs in his career involve shifts & night work.

I feel lost & helpless. I know every baby's unique & it's trial & error but I'm worried that we are making change after change and not allowing his system to develop in its own way.

Baby currently sleeping on my knee.

The great thing about babies is that, short of feeding them KFC or failing to feed them at all, you really can't damage them . Please don't stress that you are making too many changes (or not finding that elusive non existant perfect solution for him). He will be fine. And it is trial and error.

For getting out, it sounds like your HV is supporting you, but have you thought about showering, packing the baby bag (except bottles) and laying out your own clothes the night before? Then all you need to do is put the chosen clothes on and do the bottles.

It also sounds like the biggest problem is your (understandable) stress about your DH's sleep. I think that's the bit you need to fix - earplugs, or try sleeping at a mate's or at his mums (it sounds as if that is close?) for a few days to see if it helps you? It's only likely to be for a few weeks, if that.

As a last resort could hubby not sleep at his parents? Or a friends? I think you're adding to your stress by worrying so much about him. I know, I did it too. We lived in a bungalow so when my hubby was in bed we were just the other side of the wall!!! Please go back to your gp and ask to see a pediatrician, most are brilliant and will really listen. My little ones reflux was made worse as she had a milk protein allergy, could this be your little ones problem? You said you've moved to formula recently? Just a thought.

Your husband needs to sleep a bit less to help you out. 8 hours is a luxury no one can afford with a tiny baby in the house.

It was about this age that I got a jumperoo. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that it changed my life. It was truly liberating to know that he was happy bouncing around (just dangling to start with but he soon got the hang of it) while I could move around, wash up, make lunch etc, without trying to juggle a fussy baby in my arms. He was not a napper either.
Can you afford a jumperoo? Or can you get a door bouncer?
I really feel for you OP.
Do you have a good support network? Your DH needs to spend less than 8 hours trying to sleep while you are downstairs literally collapsing.

Thank you everyone for your support.

I'm going to have a good chat with my husband this afternoon when he wakes to see what we can do. I can't have a shower in the morning as the showers in our bedroom so I tend to have my shower in the afternoon as I can't have one at night either once my baby's asleep at night as he sleeps in our bedroom.

Your right I do need to get my clothes out the day before & put them in our baby's nursery for example & then I can have a wash in our WC.

All I need to do now is be brave & confident enough to do it in the morning even if my baby cries and even if my husband is in bed. The ideal would be to do it whilst my baby napped but he does this on my knee!

I think I've just got myself into such a bad negative place and I just can't see the light. My baby has his 2nd inoculations on Wednesday so I will re-discuss his feeding & reflux.

I have suggested to my husband that he may have to sleep elsewhere during the day at times to catch up on his sleep. He wasn't keen but we will re-discuss this, this afternoon.
I see his parents as one option but he said it's not fair on his dad who has retired and is at home during the day. He said it's not fair to expect his dad to be quiet. I said I'm sure his dad will understand and be happy knowing he was helping us all out.
In terms of friends that's not an option either because they have children or because they live too far away.

HomeIsWhereTheHeartIs - my baby is just beginning to be able to support their own head but only for minutes. Could your baby support their own head. Just wondering with regards to the Jumperoo. My baby does like to be supported to sit up & he does like standing on his feet with support of course.

Your husband needs to understand that doing nothing is not an option. You have collapsed from all of this. Yes, sleeping at his parents house might not be ideal, but a retired adult is unlikely to be restricted by it, they won't be doing anything ear plugs won't fix (unless his dad is a massive drum and base fan). If that isn't a solution, he needs to proactively think of another one, not leave you floundering. It is really beginning to seem like the fear of waking your DH is maybe the biggest road block to taking some steps forward?

Hi yes his head control was quite good at that age but we did need to stuff a towel in to the jumperoo seat with him at first, so you could maybe have a towel behind his head to support him? If you're thinking of buying one anyway then you could get it now and see how he is, and just pack it away again for a few weeks if it doesn't suit him yet.
I hope it works out for you.

If I were you I would just crack on with looking after your baby as best you can - let him cry while you brush your teeth and all of that - and if your husband finds it a problem then it's up to him to find a solution, ie his dads house might look more appealing.

Could you and the baby go round to your in laws for a few hours each day? I would imagine your baby sleeps better at night because you are more relaxed when you aren't worried about waking up your dh, it's amazing how much of a difference your stress levels makes to a baby and their ability to sleep. I'm sure you wouldnt need to make a huge effort with your appearance to spend a couple of hours with your dh's family, also just grab the bottles and formula and make the bottles as and when you need them. That way dh will get some uninterrupted sleep which will help you relax. Also ask your health visitor about getting some help, sure start maybe, or any local trainee nannies or nursery staff etc. You're doing so well under very tricky circumstances, be kind to yourself

Sending loads of sympathy - your ds sounds very mucn like my ds1 too.

Have skim read the whole thread, so apologies if I missed it but has anyone suggested cranial osteopathy for your little one? I went, very sceptically, and was totally amazed by the results. He fell asleep on the couch during the first treatment and was a different child after the second treatment - much more settled and relaxed. The osteopath said he must have been in constant pain from his head, after a difficult birth.

HTH

Over this past week we have been to the in laws twice for a few hours (11:00-17:00) which has helped. We can't do it everyday as my mother in law is a teacher and works full time. My father in law is retired but he has his own commitments too granted not everyday. I wouldn't feel comfortable going without my mother in law being there. Unfortunately my mum lives in Penrith so she can't help.

Once I gain the confidence to get dressed and not stress about my husband (easier said than done) & go out to baby groups (once they startup again next month) etc I'm sure we'll feel better.

Once again thanks everyone.

Hi I can't help re the reflux but would definitely encourage you to go to baby groups once they're back. I keep the baby bag packed so I can just grab it and go, and honestly appearance won't be an issue, the great thing is they are all in the same boat so I go with no make up, mad hair and whatever clothes I've thrown on. Makes me feel human to share moans with other mums even if I'm exhausted and you would be surprised how it can boost your mood just to get out and see a friendly sympathetic face. Look after yourself op.

Babybru1 I live near you and also have an 11 week old baby! I can relate with the issue of baby only napping on someone and the piercing wails.

I believe DD2 is in the middle of a growth spurt and a development leap, so has been worse than usual for the last week in terms of being unsettled. Could your DS be doing similar?

I'm ludicrously busy for the next couple of weeks with a whole host of things, but maybe sometime in September we could meet up during the day for a drink somewhere with our small troublemakers? We could see if they can deafen one another. PM me if you're interested.

Blimey. Is your family around? Could you go to your mum's for a month week so that you can all have some help and relax a bit? DH could get some sleep and do cleaning, you could rest more.

Babybru1 can any of your family help at all? What about friends/work colleagues? Anyone who could come with you when the baby groups start back up? Just to help with your confidence?

I remember thinking, thank god someone invented hats so I could go out with unwashed hair and no-one would know but I would get dressed first thing in the morning, so it was done and I didn't need to think about it for the rest of the day. I do believe it helps.

I am really close by to you as I'm in Leeds.

I remember when I joined the first baby group and thought, just because we all have babies does not mean we have anything in common but I found a couple of lovely people, in fact one of them wiped sick off my back after ds1 had chucked down my cardigan and I hadn't noticed! Now that is what I call a friend. They didn't just tell me but dealt with it for me.

Hope the injections went well and that you got more information on reflux. There are lots of sites on the internet devoted to it and if you have a baby asleep on you it gives you time to look. But obviously we are here too. I have this on my watch list so reach out for help, in real life and here too.

The other thing I was told about helping reflux is to do a over the shoulder winding rather than sitting them on your knee.

So you put their arms up and make sure that both their arms are over your left shoulder and you only stroke in an upward motion. No patting, no rubbing. Just stroke up. That is where their stomach is, on your baby's left side so this gives you best access (it's all coming back to me)

And no jiggling them up and down to soothe any crying, just gentle rocking side to side etc

Just a thought OP but can you get yourself showered and dressed when your dh gets in from his night shift? He could take the baby for 10mins then, couldn't he? I can't tell you how much better my day used to go if I'd managed to get dressed.

Thank you everyone for your support. Little one currently asleep on my knee.

His inoculations went fine yesterday.

In terms of his reflux I am following the advice as much as I can & as much as the little one allows. He cries so much which doesn't help but how do I stop him crying so much. I soothe him by gentle side to side rocking, shhhhing him, patting his back gently, placing my hand on his chest, distracting him, playing with him, talking/singing to him & we use white noise. I push him in his pram which is variable in its success, he doesn't always like being in the car either. He can be sat smiling 1 second then screaming the next second with no obvious cause. He's never settled for more than 15-20 minutes at a time apart from at night when he's asleep.

Going to my mums is not an option as she lives in a tiny 1 bedroom cottage and she works full time.

Awake

The fact that he seems happy then starts crying means the reflux is silent, ie it doesn't make it all the way up to their mouths but still burning and the medicine isn't working.

Also have you had a look at the Haberman feeder range of bottles? When I had ds1 11 years ago you could only get the Haberman special needs feeder which is a valved bottle, so they suck and get milk, the milk doesn't just leak out.

Have a look at this YouTube video you can get this in Boots, she addresses the reflux issue just before 2 minutes in.

Mandy Haberman invented the anyway up cup.

My dd had silent reflux, we pushed and pushed to get her put on ranitidine, and special milk as doc thought she had a cows milk allergy which was making the reflux worse. Seriously, see your gp and ask for a referral to pediatrician. It can't hurt and may make things better. I know all too well how hard it is and can't stress enough what a difference the right medicine makes. Good luck x

We saw the GP yesterday & I explained everything to be told it's normal and just a phase he'll grow out of (each GP visit has the same outcome). This is my fourth visit. I've seen the same GP twice and then 2 other GPs who have all said the same. No medication prescribed. No referral to paediatrics. They say he's a healthy weight and meeting all his development needs/milestones.

:(

That is truly awful. Could you make a diary over the next couple of days and write down when he cries and when he stops. Write down when he sleeps and for how long and how much milk he is getting.

Also filming him crying if it seems like he is in pain?

That way when you go back to the GP you can say, look, he cried for X number of hours on X day, how is this normal?

My friend had this with her daughter where she kept taking her to the GP saying something was wrong, GP fobbed her off and her daughter ended up hospitalised for her condition. They aren't infallible.

Can you try to book in with a different GP than the ones you have been getting? What does your HV say?