What time do you go to bed? Feel like a failure.

[Knackered123]

Every single day I say to myself I will go to bed earlier but I am finding it impossible, even though my 8 month old ds goes to bed at 8pm. By the time I have cooked dinner (me and oh eat at about 8.30pm), washed and sterilised bottles, hung up washing, tidied the kitchen, cleared toys etc etc I end up asleep at about 12pm. Then up at 6am.

How do you go to bed earlier when you've got all these evening chores to do? I don't seem to get any downtime,ever, and it's wearing me down! And if I do sit down for 10 mins (like now) I feel very very guilty and think of all the things I should be doing instead before he wakes up. Have got a mega long to do list with things to sort out/ people to call etc. I would love to just go to bed but I shouldn't. So tired.

Most days I feel like a total failure. And feel liked am going mad...

Thanks in advance for any feedback!!

I was in a similar situation to you when kids were little. Got around it by ditching the late evening meal and having my tea with the kids at 5.30/6pm.Then doing the clear up. When DH gets home we have light sandwich/supper together and stick dishwasher on. Works for us.

Me and DH usually eat around 8.30pm too. Then we watch a bit of TV, tidy the kitchen, and go to bed around 10/10.30pm. I'd be knackered if I only had 6 hours sleep!

Which jobs can you do at a different time? I hang up washing first thing in the morning (put in a load in the evening and set machine on a timer). I tidy toys during the day (no particular time) and try to keep the kitchen tidy ish. You'll only be washing and sterilising bottles for a few more months

Don't feel guilty about sitting down for 10 mins. Everyone needs down time!

Do you work?

Never eat as late as 8.30, otherwise there is no way I'd get anything done and get to bed at a reasonable hour. I have dinner with the kids at around 6.30 when I'm in from work, plate up DHs meal if he's not home and then sit and have a cup of coffee with him when he's eating. When the DCs were little it was bath at 7 and bed at 8 - one of us would do that while the other was downstairs doing the bottles/packed lunches/etc, followed by a bit of tidying or watching TV, and then bed at around 10/10.30.

It's hard when you have a young baby though - routine is difficult. Are you working during the day, or are there jobs you could do late afternoon to save you doing them at night?

Are you dividing and conquering in the evening? We eat about 8, but we split who is taking care of the baby (well, toddler now) and who is making dinner. Washing up and bottles was done around this - if the baby went down well, that person would make bottles and wash up while the other person made dinner, or if it was doable, the person cooking did bottles and that while dinner was brewing.

I'm interested to know what you're doing though - I'll admit I'm a slattern so don't compare to all other people, but even assuming you take from 8-9 to make and eat dinner, what are you doing from 9-12 every evening? You say clearing the kitchen and toys and hanging washing - is this taking 3 hours?

It's taken a while (and DP has required a lot of training), but we've got this one nailed. Tea on the table between 5 and 5.30. Bath on at 6.15. One of us is in charge of the bath and bed routine. The other spends that time cleaning the kitchen, tidying the toys, putting the bins out, hoovering. By 7pm DD is in bed, the house is clean, and we're both free to relax.

We used to eat later, after DD went to bed, but it meant we didn't have a clean house, DP couldn't be arsed to wash up that late, and we had no relaxing time. So we brought the evening meal forward, all eat together, and instigated the you-bath-while-I-clean routine. We're all a lot happier for it.

What is your DH doing all evening while you do 3 hours of chores?

Don't wear yourself out - if you are tired during the day and can grab a nap then do. You will feel so much better and be more productive at other times because your brain will be working properly!

Also, don't be afraid to leave the baby for a few minutes while you hang up laundry - or take them outside with you and let them have a roll on a blanket.

Stormy that is all very well if everyone is home to eat at 5. DH frequently isn't home until 7/7.30/8, so you have to have a method of getting things done either during the day or in a very very short time-frame.

We both get home around 7pm

Eat 8pm

Kids bed 9pm

All chores done in between 7-9pm so after 9pm we are free. Ie at 7pm dh might start prepping dinner, and I will sort washing whilst kids play. After dinner one of us with tidy kitchen etc and the other bath/ sort kids for bed

Both go to bed 11/12pm

Are you a sahm? If so I'd either lug the baby around with you by sitting them in a bouncy chair / laying on a playmat and do the chores while they watch you. Cbeebies is useful for getting a few things done!

My youngest dc goes to bed at 6.30pm so I start dinner for dh, dd and I then (easier than trying to all eat together). Could you bring your baby's bedtime forward?

I do most things during the day when the littlest one has his nap and I always load the washing machine ready to go as im cooking dinner so in the morning all I have to do is turn it on and then I unload it and sort it out with ds watching

I flatly refuse to do anything after 8 pm. That's my cut off point. If dh is sitting on his arse by then then so am I.

Thanks for your replies everyone. Not sure how I end up asleep by 12, silly really, but time slips away and I can't go to sleep straight away either so I'm in bed by 11.15ish I am on mat leave and OH works in stressful job so we don't tend to split much I do everything. Feeling really overwhelmed with it all today. Got so many good intentions but keep failing and beating myself up. It's hard isn't it. x

So he sits on his arse while you do it all?

There is your problem. Get him to pull his weight.

Very useful advice! Think I need to shake up my schedule, perhaps eating dinner with baby, and also ask for help. Really like the 8pm cut off time rule fairylea x

I work from home mostly, and DH works away. I eat with DS at 5.30, he goes to bed at 7, I go to bed about 8, lights out at 9 and I am up at 4 am trying to do stuff before DS wakes about 6.30. I cannot do ANYTHING in the evening, so I do it in the morning. But, to be frank, it's not much of a life. The only adult and social interaction I really have is on MN.

Oh- DS is aged 4 by the way.

Alibaba, it's true. Things have to change, today!

Corn - you wake at 4am to do chores? If your ds is 4 years old surely you can do with him awake? In fact he should be doing some also! My 4 year old sorts his laundry into right baskets, wipes table after meals and loads his things into dishwasher at least

I am working freelance and studying, so I take a thermos of coffee up at night and then wake at 4 to MN work for about 90 minutes or so in bed then get up and do chores, make lunches etc. I have just realised how pitiful/bleak that sounds! It kind of works though.

You are very right though about getting DS to help out.... currently he is best at going downstairs to let the dog in and out, but he is probably of the age where he can start to pitch in, certainly.

Cornchips if it works for you that's great. 4am is super early though! Do you ever get a lie in/break sometimes?

I always feel guilty if I do. :) Sounds familiar to you I guess! There is always something I think I ought to be doing.

I was up till 4 am on here and hemming trousers. Why feel like a failure because you didn't get to bed by a daft curfew you set yourself? try and make up for it when you can. like now - kids are out playing, I've been to work and am now going for a kip. Ditch the chores for a bit and get some shut eye.

Are you going back to work? Have a think about how household chores are going to be divided when that happens so you don't end up doing everything you do now and a job on top.

At the moment, I don't know, 2/3 hours of chores a day sounds like a lot to me whenever it's being done. I usually just potter about for an hour when the baby is having a nap and that's good enough.

I guess it's just finding a realistic routine and I don't think I've done that yet. The routine I have set myself is too 'superwoman' and is just making me feel bad! Takes time to adjust when you are used to commuting and working and being on an equal footing with OH.

Yeah, going back to work but don't want too! X

I'm in bed by 10 ish. Chores - well the house is a bit of a tip but hoovering is done whilst ds is awake - he LOVES Henry so its a bit of a game. Also tidy toys as part of bedtime wind down - 'night night toys' I now have a 2 year old who basically puts 50% of his toys away! DP does dinner and the days washing up and tidy's the kitchen whilst I'm settling ds. He used to sterilize bottles - you know you don't have to sterilize over 6 months don't you. Strap baby in a sling to hang out washing etc in a while you'll have a toddler who doing household chores can become a bit of a game. It gets easier - prioritize down time. let things slip a bit - having a baby is hectic people understand.

I'm a working mum of a 2 year old. You need to have a plan for when you go back to work. Either DP can settle baby or cook dinner his choice. DP likes the cooking dinner bit as he can do something that goes in the oven and sit on his arse the rest of the time if ds takes a while to go down. We probably only have meals cooked from scratch about 4 days a week the others maybe he just lazily sorts out putting baked potatoes in and arranges some salad etc. Fine by me! We'll live.