What time do you go to bed? Feel like a failure.

[Knackered123]

Every single day I say to myself I will go to bed earlier but I am finding it impossible, even though my 8 month old ds goes to bed at 8pm. By the time I have cooked dinner (me and oh eat at about 8.30pm), washed and sterilised bottles, hung up washing, tidied the kitchen, cleared toys etc etc I end up asleep at about 12pm. Then up at 6am.

How do you go to bed earlier when you've got all these evening chores to do? I don't seem to get any downtime,ever, and it's wearing me down! And if I do sit down for 10 mins (like now) I feel very very guilty and think of all the things I should be doing instead before he wakes up. Have got a mega long to do list with things to sort out/ people to call etc. I would love to just go to bed but I shouldn't. So tired.

Most days I feel like a total failure. And feel liked am going mad...

Thanks in advance for any feedback!!

You definitely need to divide the chores.

Even if he has a stressful job, staying at home with a baby who doesn't let you get much done isn't a walk in the park either. And remember, I bet there are times during his day where he get to sit and have lunch in peace, or read a book on the train, something like that.

You might be on maternity leave but you are both parents, and you are both responsible for your home. A stressful job is no excuse for not helping out for an hour when he gets home so that you can both relax in the evening.

Most families I know, if the working partner gets in the door 6-7ish, then they take over with the baby through to bedtime. Maybe yes, you need to keep going without taking a break at that point to get dinner ready etc., but you both focus on getting everything done so that when you sit down to dinner, that's pretty much it for the day.

And I'm saying this as the partner who gets in at 6-7ish and takes over, not the sahp.

X-posts. Just wanted to say being on an equal footing with OH - you still are, you know that?

Think I am trying too hard to make wonderful meals in the evening too so need to learn some super quick healthy ones for all the family if anyone could kindly share any tips on that!

Thanks all, the helping side of things definitely needs a shake up, otherwise going back to work is going to be hell!

You need to get into the habit of making something which all three of you can eat - and something that can be prepared in advance.

I make a lot of bolognaise/chilli/different casseroles/couscous things - and the whole family has the same. Then you aren't starting to cook all over again at 8pm. Make double when you cook and then you can freeze it and have dinner all ready prepared and just needing heating up a couple of nights a week.

Do you do bedtime, dinner and clearing up plus all the chores on your own? Is that actually what you're saying?

If you are going back to work then you really need to even things up.

Sometimes I feel that I am viewed as the domestic person and it should be my 'job' you know? And I feel terrible when he gets home and it's all chaotic when I've tried so hard to keep it all ticking over smoothly but I've got to get dinner ready, feed baby,bath baby, get by down, all at the same time that he gets through the door. And I am doing baby led weaning now so the food gets EVERYWHERE.

Sod that frankly

I'm a SAHM, have been for 6 years and my DH mucks in more than yours does.

Having children is chaotic, and you shouldn't feel that you need to insulate your DH from that fact.

Just out of interest, what happens at the weekends?

You're doing an 18 hour day for no pay while on mat leave and you don't want to go back to work, what job did you do?? :)

Here is what I do.....Batch cook and reheat, slow cooker casseroles and microwave rice, waitrose easy cook oven meals etc, pasta- lower standards- can still taste nice.

DH home at 6.45-7 so he will follow my instructions in kitchen whilst i do bedtime routine or he will finish bath and bed and I cook.

Whilst food heating make attempt to shove toys in boxes.

Eat at 8. Do 5 mins of shoving in dishwasher / washing pans or leave til am (again- lower standards) . Relax. Start to move Up to bed at 9.30- by the time finished faffing, chatting or reading etc lights can be out by 10.30.

Dh can empty dishwasher whilst waiting for kettle to boil for coffee pre-work in am. You can do bits of chores in day .....again lower standards

Bingo - one lazy mother's routine ;)

To be fair though always went to pot at the 8m stage (actually until 20 months) as breast fed to sleep and woke multiple times even before midnight .....

Weekends are better tbh, he cooks and helps out, and to be fair he does help out in the evenings a bit and spends time with ds, but mainly with the 'fun' stuff eg. Helping with bath (if he is home on time, not on his own though) , playing with him before bed while I make dinner. He often has to stay late though which is an issue. And at weekends I ALWAYS am the one to get up early still so desperate for a break/ lie in!

I initially felt like you but realised we should both have same down time in the evening. Given up trying to be super perfectionist mother and stepford wife.

Equally a few days of childcare by my Dh opened my eyes as to how much hard work it was. He said things like "I did so much tidying and it doesn't show!- it's all in a mess again". Welcome to my world! He now appreciates that I could have spent the morning on house work and it will still look a tip when he comes in!

That doesn't sound fair. I did wake ups night in week as DH needs to be alert for job but in return he took baby down at 6am and let me lie in til 8.30-9. Only thing that kept me sane. Now we try to alternate one day each. The days he was working weekends and I had 12 days with no lie in nearly broke me....I feel for you!

I've got to get dinner ready, feed baby,bath baby, get by down, all at the same time that he gets through the door

Sometimes you have watershed moments and you realise things have to change.

This has to be one of them. You're going back to work soon!

There are loads of helpful suggestions regards food and cleaning. But the crux of it is your husband has to be doing more. What is he doing once he's finished eating dinner? Is he then carrying on with housework until 11pm?

When your days are so different (work v sahp) then it is difficult to compare what you've done and easy for everyone to feel they have the worse deal. Sometimes looking at the time off you have is easier and/or fairer.

So if you both get up at 6am, but he stops doing things at 9pm after dinner while you still keep going... not fair.

As other posters have said, if eating together at 8/8.30 is still the most practical thing, then work on getting pretty much everything done by the time you sit down to eat.

Thanks for the good advice :) actually, I get up at around 6.30am and doesn't get up until about 7.15am. Then is in bed half an hour before me! I think we have to change this mindset that because he goes to work he needs more rest, as I think that's what it is all about tbh

We also do same as some previous posters DS is 10 mo. We eat together at 6pm, one is charge of bed routine from 6.45 onwards and the other loads the dishwasher, tidies toys, puts bins out etc.

Thurlow has some really good advice, you need to get DH helping more. You are also doing a full time job, just a different one to before.

Could you eat earlier, make baby's bedtime earlier?

Could you maybe batch cook things like Spag Bol, chilli, curries (anything that'll freeze) to use on a more stressful day? Just take it out the freezer! Also have you got a slow cooker? This has saved my sanity a few times but I appreciate it's not always the weather for long slow cooked dishes, just a suggestion.

I know it's hard, I sometimes feel the same so these are for you. You aren't a failure! Have a cut off time like fairlylea says and get some sleep!

You're on the countdown until you go back to work? A good time to start to change things What will be the routine for drop-off and pick-ups and childcare when you are back at work?

Thanks all, you have made me feel so much better x

Due back at work in November which I am sure will come around quickly. We do sort of have a plan but things need to change now,you are right.

Wow. My DP is a saint, clearly.

DD is 17mo and we have always taken it in turns to put her to bed, since she went on to formula. The other puts the toys away (takes a matter of seconds, chucked into the big toybox in the corner of the room) and makes tea. Other chores just slot in here and there (thankfully we have a cleaner who comes once a week and who I would really struggle without).

We eat around 7.30-8pm and then one of us washes up. I am pretty much always in bed by 9pm, then I read for a bit and lights out around 10pm. For some reason since having DD I just can't settle to watch TV any more, I much prefer reading.

I'm up at 6am to get DD up and walk dogs before work. I would be a zombie without at least 8 hours.

I'll tell you what we do, in case it helps start to get ideas for when you're back at work.

I always get DD up in the morning, but I get up before her and get showered and dressed. Get DD up, milk, nappy changed, washed, dressed and out the door within about 20 minutes of getting her up (poor confused thing) - found it easier to slowly shift her sleep from 7-6.30 to 8-7.30.

DP picks her up, gives her her tea. Does housework like washing up or cleaning the kitchen while she eats.

I get home at at 6.45 and take over. Bath and bedtime routine, have her in bed for 7.45. DP starts on dinner to be ready for 8ish. Clean bathroom around DD (bar bath, obviously, which I do in the mornings while I'm showering)

In the 15-20 mins before dinner I tidy the toys, get clothes ready for the next day, maybe make start on DD's lunchbox.

Generally sit down with dinner from 8-9. Normally something will need doing after that and it's generally me that does, as DP has had an earlier start in the day. But still only a 10-15 min job - finish lunchbox, hang or sort washing, run hoover/brush around. Rarely do more than one of those jobs day.

Proper cleaning is shared between us on days off.

Finances, bills etc get done at lunch time in the office.

I don't mean any of that to sound smug - it's not amazing, the house isn't quite as sorted as I'd want - but just to show that if you both try and pull your weight in that hour when you're both in, you can get a lot more done.