All sleep training techniques failing! Please help.

[alex344]

I have just wept for 10 minutes solid myself after my DS (9months) has cried for 1 hour 25 minutes, since I started trying to put him down. And when I say cried I actually mean red-faced panic attack screamed!

I feel like I've read so much and the techniques are making it worse.

I have tried:

1. Standing in the room pottering quietly so he just knows I'm there but not interacting with him - (Fine at first sits or stands quietly watching me but eventually cries)

1. Sitting across the room in the rocking chair but not interacting with him - (He stands in cot shouting loudly at me, throws his dummy across the room and then gives up and screams if I don't move)

1. Trying to keep him laying down by placing my hand on his chest to stop him rolling over and then standing. (this makes him furious)

1. Sitting next to the cot quietly - (He just puts his arms through and tries to grab me)

1. When he is quiet and relaxed I say goodnight softly and let him see me leave the room, as I've read you shouldn't just creep out as this makes separation anxiety worse. - (leaving the room gets the worse reaction of all, he literally seems to have a panic attack. Even as I take one step out, it's full throttle screaming)

1. Let him cry for 5minutes or 10minutes spells then go back in and try to comfort. - (his crying just gets worse and worse and he gets more and more panicked and even holds his breath or chokes which is extremely distressing)

Once the screaming starts he is too upset to calm down. Even once I give up the techniques (usually after 30mins/40mins or so when I can't bare to hear him that upset anymore) and pick him up, or hold his hand or talk to him he is too far gone to recover properly and the crying continues.

Please any advice really appreciated. Any other techniques? Anyone got a very spirited child that the techniques just wouldn't ever work for? How long does separation anxiety last? Is it really that terrible to completely give up and get him to sleep by lying in our bed next to him until he drifts off and then transferring him to his cot? Will doing this mean he never learns to self settle?

Thank-you x

Kind of in a similar position. I worked hard at pupd to get my ds to fall asleep in his cot with me stood there but now any tiny deviation ftom that and he screams the place down. Always wakes after 30mins then every hour or two until I give up and go to bed with him between me a dh. I am planning on trying cc in the summer hols but in the past he's just been sick so I'm not sure it'll work. Sorry not much help other than maybe pupd is worth a try. You're not alone :-)

oh poor you the only thing I'd say is you need to be consistent and stick with one technique as he'll be getting confused. I am doing gradual withdrawal and the first night took 2.5 hours (crying for first 45min then just unsettled) so expect it to take ages. if you then stop he's cried for no reason so you just have to stick with it. good luck.

oh and pupd enraged my dd, she settles quicker if I comfort her in the cot. pupd seems to calm her then make her more upset when then put down. but they are all different

He's only 9months old. Do what you need to do to help him sleep, you won't build bad habits or stop him self settling. It sounds like he's getting increasingly overtired. Is he teething or going through a development leap?

I'd be cuddling him to sleep or co-sleeping til this phase passes.

Sympathies, both my DDs have been crap sleepers albeit in different ways. Which means I don't have much in the way of good advice to offer but just to say that it is very common for sleep to go badly wrong at 9 months - as you say, they are starting to get separation anxiety and there are other developmental leaps they are working on. So trying any sort of sleep training while this is going on may be futile. It is still mega frustrating but I found it helped a bit to know that the sleep regressions were just phases to ride out, after which our situation would go back to bad rather than really terrible!

My daughter was like like so big hugs I know how hard it is. She did get better as she got older (23m now and finally STTN), but it did take a while. I don't know what to suggest as nothing really worked for us either. We introduced a transition object (old pyjama top of mine), which she did like, but all that happened was she chewed it whilst crying, rather than just crying.

I agree with Pudding - I honestly don't think you're getting him into bad habits forever if you have him on with you now and rock him/feed him to sleep, or whatever it takes. At this stage you really have to think of self-preservation!

I echo what a pp has said. You may have done this, so apologies if you have, but you need to pick a method and stick with it. Just that method, for days and days and maybe weeks. If you do one thing for a couple of nights and it doesn't work so switch to another method for a couple of days, you're just sending mixed signals and it's confusing for the little chap. If he's getting really really upset, then maybe take a break from everything and try something again in my month or so. The key is, when you pick something to do (eg sit close to the cot and wait for him to go to sleep) you need to keep doing that thing.

You don't need some exotic technique. You need to be consistent with your own. It will work eventually. He is only 9 months old. You are an adult and will prevail

As for this:

"even holds his breath"

Nobody has ever managed to kill themselves by voluntarily holding their breath. The most he can achieve is pass out and then his normal breathing will resume.

Sounds very similar to my DS at that age, I gave up and went back to rocking him to sleep then a few weeks ago at 13 months I tried again. Now he will go in the cot and lie down and will try to get to sleep, still cries occasionally and I pick him up and cuddle him then put him back and he is now sleeping through or waking once.
To be honest he just wasn't ready, it's like something just clicked in the last few weeks and he understands that it is time to go to sleep. I would leave it another few months and try again. He will do it when he's ready.

If he's getting that distressed then stop and settle him calmly whichever way works best, leave the self settling til he's a bit older and not in the grip of separation anxiety.
you are an adult and you will prevail I find this quite chilling. At what cost? My ds couldn't settle til he was over 2, he now sleeps thru and falls asleep beautifully.

You need to pick one approach and stick with it. Babies need routine.

This makes me angry. He is 9 months old!!!

Sitting there and ignoring is worse in my opinion. you are a parent 24 hours a day, not just in the day time.

I cuddled my daughter to sleep and still do, and yet, when I am not there and daddy puts her to sleep she lies down on her bed (she is 2.4yo) and goes to sleep while he sits in the chair near her. and at the nursery she is able to nap and fall asleep well without cuddles.

I would rather a calm child who falls asleep happy than one stressed cortisol filled bundle that won't have such a relaxed night's sleep as they got too worked up at the start of the night.

My DS is like this. I've given up and will try again in a bit. I usually get him to sleep by feeding then rocking. Cab sometimes out down when he's very drowsy. When he wakes up in the night he comes in with us. I think people who instantly advocate CC don't understand what a baby who won't give up is like. I'm not against it as such but, for us, we thought it wasn't achieving anything do may revisit at some point.

Tinytear that's bloody judgmental if I may say so. I'm sure the OP doesn't need anyone making her feel worse. Of course she's a parent for 24 hours a day, we all know that. Good for you if you want to cuddle your two year old to sleep/sit in the room with them while they nod off. I hope you feel the same way when she's 8.

Hi OP - sorry you are finding it so tough - 9 months is a horrible time for separation anxiety and regressions. Maybe just go back to getting him to sleep with whatever method works best at this stage (feeding/cuddling whatever) and try sleep training in a few months time.
My DS was doing great at self settling until he hit 10 months and it all went terribly wrong. I now just feed him to sleep and might consider the gradual retreat method in a few weeks time.

This breaks my heart to read... please cuddle him! He is still a baby :(

9 months was not a horrible time for regressions & separation anxiety at bedtime for my two DC. Probably because we sleep-trained them at 4 & 5 months. They slept through the night at that age. All night and every night.

Cote Every baby is different

if every baby is different, how can you say "9 months is a horrible time for separation anxiety and regressions"?

Here, you have a , too.

Well it was for my DS Cote and it's pretty much recognised on any website. Maybe you were just lucky!

Jeez I wish there was a "Hide Poster" button

My DD2 was like this. Some babies need much more reassurance for much longer. I couldn't bear to see her cry as he just wanted a cuddle. DD1 needed a little cry on her own to fall asleep (sounds wierd but that was her thing.)

I think she started settling consistently on her own at about 18 months. She had some periods where she was better, but she was just less secure than our first. You definitely won't create bad habits. Or at least that's not what happened for us. It just took a while!

Try and relax and go with what works if you can.

Hi op dear god I could have written your post! I don't know what to do either, its all very well being advised to leave it for a while but I was told that at 5,6,7 and 8 months, he's 9 months now & its still as bad as ever. Its the same when dh tries too, but I'm back to work soon & won't be there for bedtime so this HAS to be resolved now.

My ds objects to sleeping 6" to the right of where he'd rather be: in bed with me rather than in his cot with the side off. Last night he howled for an hr with me lying next to him 'comforting' him yeah, like that worked I gave up as I couldn't take the upset anymore and he still howled for another 2 hrs in bed with me, judt to let me know he was bloody furious with me, all whilst feeding on and off.

Seriously, I daren't try cc as I think he'd go pretty much all night.

Tinytear what makes you angry??

So every baby is not different, then?