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Original poster

too late for sleep training? almost 12 months

18 replies

utopian99 · 09/12/2013 16:51

I have been utterly anti sleep training when he was little and at almost 12 months he now naturally sleeps 8pm-2.30 and 3/3.30 to 5.30/6 in his cot plus a vague hour after that in with us.
Naps are twice a day, triggered by the pram/walking in the sling or car, and mostly continued on me, in the sling, as this guarantees an hour when I work.

The trouble is two very good friends have sleep trained their babies and can now put them down sleepy and walk away while they fall asleep, and I know for a fact that ds won't. For now it's not a problem as our way works fine, and doesn't involve feeding, but I worry a. That I have made us a problem and b that we will need to do something radical to change now.

Has anyone done something similar to us and their lo just grown into older sleeping patterns?
If not, what should I do now? We did actually try sleep training (stupid peer pressure) a few weeks ago and his sleep got worse and worse for 8 days after which we gave up. (2 hours crying, no settling)

OP posts:
MelanieRavenswood · 09/12/2013 17:54

I had the same with my dd. There is a very strong body of opinion out there that babies must self settle and terrible things will happen if they don't.

Eventually I stopped struggling and just went with it and she started self settling at night by herself - I can't honestly remember when but certainly by the time she was 2. We never really cracked it for naps but she never napped much anyway and had entirely stopped them by 2.5. Tbh a lot of it for us was she would fall asleep while feeding, and that is not the case for you ... I really wouldn't worry.

Flisspaps · 09/12/2013 17:56

If it ain't broke, don't try to fix it.

If your way suits you and DS then stick with it. You don't need to worry about what your friends do. He'll sleep alone eventually Smile

MummyofIsla · 09/12/2013 17:59

I did sleep training at 12 months exactly, she used to scream going into her cot, had to fall asleep with us and would wake ever 2-3 hours. It was a wonder! She now sleeps 7pm-7am without a break and when I put her down at night she will chat away until she gradually falls asleep. She is now 18months and I've not had any regression (despite having 7 teeth come through at once and multiple colds etc.)

It wasn't nearly as traumatic as I thought it would be, i never left her more than 20 mins and it only took 3 nights for her to stop crying all together. Only issue with an older baby is that you have to lie them back down every now and then.

Original poster
utopian99 · 09/12/2013 19:45

Hmn, that's the thing mummyofisla, we did try for a week and he got radically worse in that time.

Melanie good to hear. What did you do for naps then?

OP posts:
MummyofIsla · 09/12/2013 19:59

I suppose each child is different. I started out going in after 3 mins then 5 then 10 then 20 but never left it any more than that. The first night was truly awful but by the second night it was significantly better.

With an older baby its important not to touch them (other than to lie them back down) just to shhh and calm with your voice and as soon as they go quiet (or after about 3 mins I did it) leave again.

We also have a very strict bedtime routine which seems to have helped a lot.

Some people seem to think sleep training causes problems in a child and parent's relationship etc. but ours is definitely much better now she isn't terrified of going to bed and sleeps the whole night.

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 09/12/2013 20:01

I stayed with DS until he was asleep until he was about 3. If it works then why change it? They won't be reliant on you forever. I was always pretty strict about him not messing around when I was there so it didn't take longer than 20 minutes or so.

MelanieRavenswood · 09/12/2013 20:02

she normally just dropped off in the car or pushchair if we went out, and just missed her nap altogether, or sometimes had a bit of a power nap on the sofa if we were at home all day for whatever reason - and tbh she was a little grumpy on those days but not too bothered.

Merryxmasmuckypup · 09/12/2013 20:18

Ignore them. Sleep training, baby routines, baby sleeping through the night / in their own room, not bf past a year are very much English parenting trends. People in Europe deal with it quite differently.

Do what you feel is right and works for you and ignore the 'oh, my baby has slept though the night from 2 weeks' crap. Some babies do, some don't but it's not because of what the parents do.

It sounds like you're doing a great job and are a lovely mum!!!

MummyofIsla · 09/12/2013 20:22

Merryxmasmyckypup don't diss something that works for other people just because you don't agree with it. It does work if done properly and has no negative side-effects (Harvard studies have proven this) its up to a woman if she wants to undertake sleep training and perhaps sometimes people are literally just trying to give advice. Hmm

MelanieRavenswood · 09/12/2013 20:34

Have just remembered that mine both went through a period of separation anxiety where they didn't want to be alone for a minute, whether day or night - probably around 12 months or so. A few people recommended controlled crying or even just leaving them to it but instead I did gradual withdrawal - so going from cuddling them close to a hand on their chests to just sitting by the bed and getting a bit further away each time. Was very difficult for a couple of nights but it meant no crying, worked really well and even their anxiety during the day lifted. Might be something worth trying if the routine you have for settling really becomes a problem for you.

Merryxmasmuckypup · 12/12/2013 12:58

mummyofisla I am giving my opinion and reassuring OP to trust in her own parenting. Also, I'm suggesting a different perspective to show that being preoccupied with dc's independent sleep and routines is not the norm but exists in a cultural context, I.e. in the UK.

My post was intended to be supportive to OP but also expresses my frustration with people up and down the country competing about whose babies sleep through, are in their own room sooner etc. This promotes unrealistic expectations and results in parents of bad sleepers thinking they are doing something wrong rather than going with the flow.

I have had a terrible sleeper and a good one. I tried various sleep training methods with the bad sleeper, none of them worked well or permanently (babies and toddlers get sick, teething, growth spurts etc. so routines regularly get disrupted and you have to start over.

Ime parents, especially first timers, often feel pressured and unnecessary guilty for having a 'bad sleeper'. OP sounds like she is momentarily doubting her way of dealing with dc's sleep because her of her friends. I thought that is a shame as from her post it sounds like she is doing things really well her way.

Oh and I don't appreciate being told what to post mummy.

KatAndKit · 12/12/2013 17:34

I did no actual sleep training. I followed DS lead. Now, at 19 months he has just this week learnt to self settle without a parent sitting in the room next to his cot. I know if i tried this a few months ago there would have been lots of tears, but because i waited till he was ready, it has been so much easier. Didn't need to do anything radical at all

Clarella · 14/12/2013 20:59

hi utopian! hope you're well? after a year of all of this I reckon stick to your gut instincts. ds sleeps with me - I'm doing what kitkat is doing and wio (waiting it out) - following his lead. your ds sounds great and completely normal! (sleeps faaaaar better than mine!)

'self settling' was a term invented in a paper about baby night time sleep to be the opposite of 'signalling' - it was never intended to become the holy grail of what babies should do at night simply a term for data analysis. uncommonjohn.wordpress.com/2013/02/18/part-2-real-self-soothing-its-not-what-sleep-experts-say-it-is/

a million sleep books have jumped on the term and squeezed lots of dosh out of tired mummies.

check out www.isisonline.org.uk/
and
evolutionaryparenting.com/normal-infant-sleep-part-i/

you sound like you're doing immensely well!! xx

Clarella · 14/12/2013 21:03

I really don't think you need to do radical emergency things - it will come. I often wonder how did babies learn to sleep in the 'olden days?' and most of the world does not train babies to sleep. we (western/UK/US) are quite unique in that area!

Original poster
utopian99 · 16/12/2013 22:48

Hi clarella! Good to hear from you, how's life with you and the family? I was wondering where you went...

Thanks for the links and advice, you hear all and sundry telling us to train poor O, and I always thought surely we're not the only ones in the whole of history getting it wrong?
Since the disastrous week attempting it we went back to milk and cuddles on waking and he's now mostly back to sleeping 8-5 with the odd wake up in the middle. Thankfully my mum's on side too as she never trained us. Grin I was a devil child for sleep apparently

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