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Original poster

CONTROLLED CRYING MORAL SUPPORT NEEDED!!!!

61 replies

loopyredangel · 27/06/2006 00:21

We are in the throws of controlled crying, our DS is currently upstairs crying his little heart out, and it is breaking my heart to hear him, but I know we have to do it!!!! Moral support and hints needed PLEEEEASE!!!!!!!!!!

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VVVQV · 27/06/2006 20:47

Well, i think maybe his last feed at night should be split. Do half before bedtime routine, and half after so that he goes off to sleep. Gradually make it so that he has more and more of his feed before and less to go to sleep.

Before you put him down for a nap, prepare some comfortable cushions, a blanket, maybe a chair for yourself. Be prepared to spend some time in there.

If he cries when you put him down, pat him and continue patting him so that he knows you are there. Dont pick him unless he is really hysterical. If he gets hysterical, pick him up, cuddle him and then lay him back down again. This may take some hours, if you and your partner can do it in shifts then that would make it easier.

What is the longest he has gone without waking for a feed in the night?

VVVQV · 27/06/2006 20:48

Oh, and scrap tonight, take the path of least resistance to get him to sleep. It wont hurt for one more night.

Olihan · 27/06/2006 20:55

I have so much sympathy for you, LDH.

It depends how badly you want him to fall asleep without using you as a comforter. If you are absolutely adamant that he has to learn to fall asleep by himself without you there then you have to stick with it. If he knows that you will cave in if he cries for long enough then there's no point because it's all unnecessary heartache for both of you.

I did CC with my ds at a similar age and the first night was HELL. There is no other word for it. My DH had to physically restrain me after 30 mins from going in. I was sat on the sofa listening to him cry in floods of tears myself. That first night he took over an hour and a half to drop off and sounded so distraught. The second night took 20 mins and the third night was less than 2 mins. Since then he's slept through and gone to bed like an absolute dream. He's now 2.5 and I can still remember that awful feeling of sitting and listening to him.

The only other thing I would say, is that I was under the impression that if you did CC for bedtime then you needed to do it if they woke in the night too, otherwise you'd just be reinforcing the 'food=sleep' cycle. How sure are you that he needs the 4am feed or is it just a habit? My 10 month old dd sleeps through the night from 7.30 - 7.30 and doesn't need any extra food to what she gets in the day. (about 15 - 21 fl oz milk and 3 meals, plus odd snacks).

I found that I could only do the CC once I had absolutely reached the end of my tether with his settling and night waking. It's the sort of thing you can only put yourself through if you are 100% sure it's necessary (for you, more than him, perhaps ). If you're not 100% sure then I'd check out other methods TBH.

Keep telling yourself it will be worth it.

FrannyandZooey · 27/06/2006 20:58

Loopy, I'm sorry I don't have the answers for you but I just wanted to let you know that controlled crying is really not recommended for babies this young, so your instincts that it is too upsetting for both of you are right.

You might find this confirms your gut feeling.

I do wish you luck with getting some sleep. You know it's ok to get him back to sleep with either breast or bottle as long as you are happy with that. Some babies take a lot longer to learn how to sleep through and there's nothing wrong with that. My ds is a shocker for waking at night and we coped by going to bed earlier ourselves, co-sleeping so I didn't have to get out of bed, and just trying to accept that this was going to be the way it was for the foreseeable future. I found going with the flow like this meant it affected our lives much less than if I had tried to force the issue, with sleep training and all the upset of cc or similar.

It's hard to accept broken nights when everyone else says their babies are sleeping through - but it is really really common for little babies to sleep for shorter periods than adults, and it doesn't do any harm to comfort them and be there for them when they need you, whatever some books say. Best of luck with it and lots of sympathy from me

BonyM · 27/06/2006 21:07

Loopy, we did a much gentler version of cc. I couldn't stand to let dd cry for long periods of time, and we had got to a stage where she would start to wail as soon as I (or dh) left the room at night, so we were ending up sitting by the cot for up to an hour sometimes until she dropped off.

What finally cracked it was to put her down, say goodnight, give her a kiss etc., then walk out of the room regardless of whether she was crying. Would then leave her for one minute, go back in and repeat as many times as necessary.

It did take a few nights to work and even then, it was several weeks before she would go to bed without having an initial little cry/moan for a few seconds, but now she goes down very happily and sleeps through until about 6am.

We did this in April when she was 11mths and she has been settling happily for probably about a month.

HTH

BonyM · 27/06/2006 21:09

Sorry - to clarify - when I say "repeat" I mean I would lay her back down (if standing or sitting), give her a kiss and say "goodnight, love you lots, see you in the morning" each time I went back in.

Original poster
loopyredangel · 27/06/2006 21:25

This is sooooooo heartbreaking but the pauses between his crying are getting longer! I am torn between the 2 theories of Controlled Crying and the attachment method (babies need their parents to comfort). He just nodded off, then he heard a creak of the floor board and woke up again!

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Original poster
loopyredangel · 27/06/2006 21:30

Oh my God!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's alseep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poor little might must be exhausted, I just want to scoop him up and give him a huge cuddle!!!!!!

I feel like the Wicked Witch of the West!

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Olihan · 27/06/2006 21:33

Hooray! You've done really well. Go and have something nice as a reward to yourself and remember that it will only get easier from now on in. This was the hardest night. How long did he cry for in the end?

I remember the guilt that came after he fell asleep too. What made it better was in the morning, he woke up all sunny and happy and gave me a huge snuggle and obviously had no recollection of the evil mummy who left him to cry!

CC may be hard but it's over with much more quickly than most of the gentler methods.

You've done brilliantly

Original poster
loopyredangel · 27/06/2006 21:49

THanks Olihan!
He cried for about an hour an 10 mins! THe pauses between the crying got longer then he just fell asleep he has cuddled up to a blanket on his tummy, bum up in the air, in the corner of his cot.
I have got a feeling he will wake up at about midnight, do I feed him and put him down again and let him cry it out?

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h23 · 27/06/2006 21:50

well done!
we did CC too, and DD sleeps really well now. i get cross with my MIL who says that i'm "lucky" in the placid well-sleeping child that i have - when i know that it was only because of our hard work with CC that she sleeps so well now.
stick to your guns! the worst thing is to be inconsistent. i'm a bit of a nutter about bedtime routines because having one has worked so well for us: bath, milk and bed then a hug and i go out of the door until the morning.
the book that really helped me was "healthy sleep habits, happy child" by dr. marc weissbluth.
good luck for tomorrow night.

Olihan · 27/06/2006 21:59

You did really well to let him keep going. I promise tomorrow will be easier.

I would personally let him cry it out. If he doesn't usually feed then you don't want to set any new precedents or undo all your hard work from earlier.

If he does normally feed then, (and at 4am) do you think he actually needs it for nourishment or is it because he wakes naturally then and relies on a bottle to go back to sleep?

Make sure you're clear in your mind what you are going to do before you go to sleep though, and agree it with your dh/dp or you'll end up rowing about the best thing to do!

Good luck with the rest of the night, keep us posted on how you get on. The first night you get a whole uninterrupted sleep will make it all worthwhile.

pedilia · 27/06/2006 21:59

well done you, if he wakes I would settle him back down with minimum fuss and no bottle, he will not be happy but it will work.

I did this with ds2 after nearly 2 years with no sleep, only wish I had done it earlier!

it will be tough for the next few nights but you will get through it, good luck we are all rooting for you.

Original poster
loopyredangel · 27/06/2006 22:23

He normally has a feed around about 12ish anyway, but I do feel the 4ish feed is just for comfort!
Thanks for all the support!!!! I will keep you posted x
PS He's still alseep!!!

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sparklemagic · 27/06/2006 22:44

well done, good luck, hope you get into a pattern that suits you both.

the study linked to by Franny was interesting but I would be cautious about being totally guided by cc 'not being recommended'; these studies are simply theories, albeit probably informed ones; the small print at the end of this particular study says that no actual studies have been done into the impact of CC on children! So it is not evidence based.

You know your child best and what you can and cannot tolerate for yourselves and for them.

My ds was also a shocker for waking at this age, but limited cc done to my own limits based on my intimate knowledge of my own child, has ensured that he has by and large slept through brilliantly, and I think the benefits to him emotionally, and physiologically, are huge and outweigh any possible negatives he could have experienced during one or two nights of cc!

Good luck, keep strong!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 27/06/2006 22:57

Oh thats excellent news Loopy

With the night waking, i made a point of not feeding DS before a time that i knew he had slept past before. (In his case he had gone as far as 4.30-5am).

If he woke up before then i would pat him back to sleep. That only happened one night though.

Original poster
loopyredangel · 27/06/2006 23:16

He just woke up briefly, cried for 15 seconds then fell asleep, went up to check how he was lying, he keeps moving around the cot, but bangs his head on the head and footboard, I think that's what woke him up! As he had moved position what did I see on the mattress, a poo stain! ARRGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! That not only means his nappies are crap, but also means I need to change him, what am I to do, I know I can't leave him with a dirty nappy!

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 27/06/2006 23:30

leave him till he wakes. If it is poo, he'll wake soon enough.

Original poster
loopyredangel · 28/06/2006 00:34

He woke up, changed him put him back in his cot without a bottle or breast, creating a bit, but I am just leaving him! The only problem is he keeps banging his head whilst moving in his sleep, and going on his tummy!

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Original poster
loopyredangel · 28/06/2006 00:36

The other problem is, he usually has 3 bottles of milk a day, but he has only had 2 plus 2 meals! So I don't know whether to try feed him with a bottle whilst he is sleepy!

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Original poster
loopyredangel · 28/06/2006 00:39

He's asleep again!!!! YIPPEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! He went very quickly that time!

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 28/06/2006 00:44

Dont disturb him if he is sleepy. It wont hurt to miss a meal or a bottle once in a while.

You are doing really well

Babies do thrash about and bang their heads. It usually sounds much worse than it is. Try not to worry.

Original poster
loopyredangel · 28/06/2006 00:59

Thanks Vicki! I have left him! He is sleeping soundly, it will be interesting to see what time he wakes up during the night - but start as I mean to go on, I will just leave him to settle himself!

Don't know what I would do without the support from everyone on here and not to mention my DH!

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 28/06/2006 10:39

Oh excellent. Hope you had a good night last night loopy

I agree, it always make it seem a bit better to know that this is a remarkably common problem, and that you arent alone.

Olihan · 28/06/2006 22:56

Loopy, are you about? How was the rest of last night and tonight? Hope he's carrying on the great progress,