I must not be cut out for motherhood

[CantCope]

Tonight I shouted at dd who is only 6 months old and looked absolutely terrified, because she was still crying after an hour of trying to settle her to sleep. I feel so awful. I am the person who wont leave her to cry for even one minute because I think its cruel, and yet I scared her and was so horrible to her myself.

I am so frustrated tonight. I never thought when I had a baby that 6 months down the line I would spend hours of every day coping with a crying baby and trying to get her to feed or sleep. That I would never get more than 4 hours sleep a night myself and never more than 2 hours in a row. That I would have zero social life, look like a pile of crap, spend most evenings catching up on jobs rather than reading or watching a film, spending time with dh,or relaxing in any shape or form, because it takes a whole day just looking after a baby nevermind getting anything else blooming done. Or else I am out of the house during the day at a group or visiting a friend because I cant cope with a day in the house with baby.

We have been for over a month now trying to resist rocking dd to sleep, and using PU/PD or Shush/Pat in her cot. Supposedly after a few nights or weeks it should take less and less time to settle to sleep - not the case - sometimes she falls asleep on the breast, sometimes she can fall asleep in the cot after a fit of fussing, most of the time she fusses gets picked up and put down again etc etc etc for the best part of an hour. I dont have the blooming patience for it because I spend most days feeling so tired I could cry.

Am I getting something seriously wrong? as I feel like a total failure as a mother tonight - if I can shout at a tiny baby who just cant seem to settle herself to sleep, goodness knows I will have no patience for a toddler or the rest of childhood.

It happends and you are not a bad mother you are just very tired and putting too much pressure on yourself - I couldnt settle my ds at that age either and we ended up co-sleeping - maybe not ideal but at least I get a decent sleep! There is only so much you can do. If you really feel you cant cope you should see your HV as it could be PND which can be treated. Whatever you decide there are always people on here to talk to.

((((hugs!))))

ditto to what schneebly said, the only sleep i got for the first year was because dd was in the bed with me!

Who on earth could do a full time job on 4 hours sleep a night!?

stop beating yourself up. You're not crap.

about PU/PD - it did not work for my son. It made him very very upset. Every time I picked him up, he was delighted, then when I put him down he was devastated, and showed it.

He settled a lot better, quicker, and more happily when I just went in, covered him up, made no eye contact, shushed, and walked back out again.

It broke my bloody heart, but I only did it for 3 nights. It's probably controlled crying, but whatever it was it worked very well.

But, i would also say, if you want her to settle herself at night you can't let her fall asleep on the breast, you have to keep her 'falling asleep place' the same every time you want her to fall asleep - ie, her cot.

HTH. And don't worry about shouting at her, she has forgotten already!

god I could have written that post I shouted too and felt completely terrible.

Good advice here from others. PU/PD did not work for DD, adopted Colditz's approach. Also, we had an old TV which wouldn't tune in, she seemed to like the white noise from it so we left it on in the corner of a room covered in a cloth.

don't underestimate the effects of lack of sleep - it is torture. And if you think it's getting too much, speak to HV or GP as I turned out to have PND and everything did start getting so much better once I recognised that

we also lived in a pigsty because I couldn't get anything done. It will get better, not much help right now I know, but it will

her room, obviously, not just a room

glad you are getting out to see people too. that is much more important than having a tidy house. as is relaxing in the evening and catching up with DH.

thanks for answering all of you, as dh is out at the footie tonight and I feel a bit alone

sometimes she just does fall asleep on the breast and cant be roused - she does it during the day aswell and its the only way I can get her to have a nap - she 'survives' on only 3 half hour naps a day as she fights sleep and because I normally cant cope with trying to settle her in her cot I either go out in the pushchair or car or feed her to sleep

someone else recommended the music thing which puts lights on the ceiling but I thought maybe it was for tiny babies rather than 6 month olds -I have some vouchers so could get one

I just know I will probably end up doing some form of the dreaded sleep training at some point as I simply cant survive like this and it is making me feel ill ... but I'm putting it off because she is too young, and I keep hoping things might just get better. I know loads of bf mums recommend co-sleeping as I have read a few threads on here, but I am pretty certain it is not for us.

the last 6 months have wiped the bottom out of my world .... but thanks for the suggestions and for saying I am not rubbish at this

DD only had 3 30 min sleeps for ages as well, it was grim

eventually had to just leave her to cry - would shush her and lie in the room with her, but in the end I had to let her cry as picking her up or feeding her didn't actually help and just kept her further from sleep. it took about 5 days to get her to sleep on her own at night, and then we tackled th edaytime. gradually we got there

When my eldest DD was 6 months old I used to go and stand in the garden so that I couldn't hear her crying because it used to upset me so much. I shouted at her twice and it upset me more than her I think! I even started smoking for a while, see I'm a far worse parent than you! She's 2 now and I've got another DD who's 6mths old, I have infinate patience with her and she never sleeps! Infact I'm extremely calm and even tempered with both of them. It comes with time don't worry.

P.s. The smoking lasted about two days! never near my child!!!!!!!!!!

CC, i too had to resort to sleep training in the end, it is horrible but the one thing i would say is that it's probably easier if your child is younger and can't scream 'mama mama' or fall asleep sitting up like mine did. i did it with my dd at 11 months as no-one was getting any sleep anymore but am pregnant with no-2 and would definitely consider doing it as soon as solid foods were established this time and i could be sure the baby wasn't hungry. just a thought....

1st 6 months is hideous - it will get easier from now on!

georgina, my house is a pigsty and it stresses me out - I look round the lounge and think, how can I relax in this pit, there are toys and pukey muslins, nappy bags, bits of pushchair everywhere. During the day I would rather play with dd, make her laugh, play cool music to her.

when you say everything got better for you when you recognised you had pnd, do you mean you got some treatment for it, or just the acknowledgement of the problem? I feel 'on the verge' of pnd, have had depression before and I know it kind of distorts perception of reality, yet this time I feel my feelings are totally proportionate to reality eg tiredness is real, self-esteem relates to real physical appearance, frustration is in relation to total change in lifestyle. feel no point in mentioning to gp because only solution is antidepressants.

Another one who's been there and done that. I can remember feeling that I would be living like that forever, and hating all my smug friends with babies who slept. Read loads of books from extinction (put them to bed, leave, do not return till morning )to The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley. Ignored the former and found some sound parenting advice from the latter.

Just to say that it does get better, and that you should enlist any help going. Sleep deprivation is a torture method in many regimes

the house thing is tricky - i live in quite a small flat and it drove me completely mad when it was so messy

actually admitting I had PND helped. I went for a little while just talking to HV and GP before then deciding to go on to ADs (which you can take if you're breastfeeding in case that's worrying you) and that, coupled with the fact that things did get better after 6 months, started to sort me out. But I also had some counselling through the GP and that helped a lot too.

yes depression distorts reality and there are real things happening i.e. knackeredom, not having time/energy to make yourself look nice - but your reaction to these is what you need to look at. You might just need to get some more sleep, in which case looking at some solutions for that would help you, on the other hand you might need help with PND. It's impossible to say, but remember there is no shame in saying you're finding it hard and coping is overrated!
Are your GP and HV any use? Can you talk to them?

colditz - everyone said that about the first 3 months - I will have to take your word for it!

Pinktulip - dd gets her first 'food' this weekend so I think you are right .... in a month or so maybe, and I def couldnt cope with hearing her call for mummy as just seeing her little teary face is killing me these days

thanks rosebea its good to know its not just me and that patience can develop over time

colditz - everyone said that about the first 3 months - I will have to take your word for it!

Pinktulip - dd gets her first 'food' this weekend so I think you are right .... in a month or so maybe, and I def couldnt cope with hearing her call for mummy as just seeing her little teary face is killing me these days

thanks rosebea its good to know its not just me and that patience can develop over time

oops sorry for double post

Just to add my bit, if you read any of my posts about baby behaviour, you will always see that I say having dd as a baby was so bloody difficult. I could have written your post. It is SO SO exhausting and of course you feel you're crap and can't cope. You're getting no sleep. Its a form of torture.
But if you continue to read my old threads you will see I also said that somewhere around the 6 month mark things changed. Dd started sleeping more (never right through, that never happened for ages) but for blocks of 4 hours plus which made a huge difference. I suddenly felt life was starting with her, I began to enjoy her rather thanjust get through it. All this time I loved her to bits, never had pnd, was just knackered and slightly shellshocked.
Anyway that was all 9 years ago and its been pretty much plain sailing ever since. You have loads to look forward to and you will get through it. No doubt you will get loads more practical tips, but just wanted you to know there's yet another who understands.

You poor thing. Do you have any family nearby who could help out a little? You need to stop beating yourself up about this though - sleep deprivation is quite enough to cope with without throwng a dollop of guilt into the mix. If it makes you feel any better, last Tuesday night I snapped at my much beloved DS "Will you bloody go to sleep?", and felt really bad about it almost instantly. The next day, owing to inadequate supervision from sleep deprived negligent mummy, he spilled my tea on himself. We rush off to A&E and next thing I know we're being ambulanced to another bigger hospital with suspected meningitis, all because the doctor (not blaming her - my fault entirely) was freaked out by the non-blanching rash that was actually caused when I was clutching DS under the cold tap because of the scald. So... poor DS ends up with an IV in his arm, one night in hospital, three massive (and i MEAN massive) doses of antibiotics, and a bulky dressing on his right hand for over a week. All down to me. All my fault. Now that, I can tell you, is shaming. And it puts my little 'snap' the previous night right into perspective.

I know that it's little consolation to you to hear how much worse a mummy I am than you. But, after crying almost non-stop for 24 hours over all this, I realised that, OK, I'm not the perfect mummy I wanted (and tried) to be, and I'll make more mistakes as I go along, but I'm doing the best I can, I won't make that mistake again, and sleep deprivation is just the pits!!! By the time DS is a toddler and a pain in the neck, he'll be sleeping better and I'll be better able to cope and you know what? so will you be. I think we just have to worry about how to get through 'now' coz anything can happen tomorrow and worrying about how we'll cope with future stuff is the way madness lies. Sorry long rambling post. I only hope it helps. (BTW, I'd just go with letting her fall asleep feeding - she might just not be old enough yet to settle herself.)

actually hv and hp both lovely ... just dont want ad's because had before and they are addictive and not the answer in my personal experience ... the only way I am going to sleep more through the night is go sleep at someone elses house and let dh feed her with bottle of ebm if she wakes ... on nights when we have planned to do this, I normally just give in when she cries for more than 5 mins and feed her myself so we can all just go back to blooming sleep, we have no spare room and the sofa is not comfy ... yes you are all right, sleep is the first place to start in all this.

I could have written your post too CantCope.

I spent at least the first 9 months trying to get DS to sleep, trying to get him to stay asleep longer than 3/4 hour, trying to get him to sleep longer at night....

My whole life revolved around getting out of the door at 9.30 am to go ANYWHERE because he needed a nap, and would only nap in the pushchair or car. I fed him to sleep before any naps at home, and before bed. I fed him whenever at night, but never co-slept, and spent hours some nights half asleep on the floor in his bedroom to exhausted to go back to my own bed.

I hated every minute of it. I didn;t hate him, of course, but I felt I had no quality of life.

Even when I had the odd hour to myslef I didn;t enjoy it because I felt so totally knackered.

BUT, when he turned 1, it got loads and loads better. He started sleeping through. I dropped all but 1 bf and I suddenly felt 90% better. I did have to do a little bit of cc and getting him to learn to settle on his own rather than with a bf. He "got" it really quickly.

For the last year (he's 2 now) he has been a dream child who sleeps 12 hours at night, 2 hours during the day, eats well, is good tempered and a delight. I feel normal again.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. If you were sleeping well you would feel so much better. But now, you need strategies to get through this period. I feel stupid I didn;t ask for more help from relatives etc, when I could have done. I never really spoke to my HV about it. Even my DH didn;t realise how crap I was feeling.

Ask others for help - explain how rubbish you feel. I think there is a perception that mothers with newborns need lots of help but 6 months down the line they should be coping. Well I wasn;t, in fact I'd say teh time between 6-9 months was the worst.

So try & get those around you to help you get a break now & then.

Show them this post.

Take care, and don;t worry, your DD will have indeed forgotten already.

yep, sounds like sleep is the problem - totally understand that you don't want the ADs

can help just to talk about it though, especially if they're nice. Some HVs can suggest sleep things as well, or search on here - that will show you how many other people have problems with sleep!

I thought I was completely crap, that everyone else was a great mother and it was the biggest mistake I'd ever made, etc. etc. A lot of that was PND, a lot was lack of sleep and a lot was just that babies can be tough.

Corrie ... oh gosh sorry to hear about your trauma, no you are not a worse mum than me, and accidents like that must happen to everyone at some point I guess ... you have the right attitude now even though you have suffered much crying.

waggledancer are you me? I have read every book going, being an avid reader and researcher, I am gutted that parenting isnt something you can look up an answer to, or just check what the latest research says ... each book I read I believe that one at the time I am reading it, but then start to doubt it when reality doesnt match up ... end up so confused and guilty. I read that Pantley one as well and it made most sense, and I have put alot of the practical measures in place (prob could do more like get that ceiling thing that sleepycat has recommended) but I'm caught up in a whole bf-linked thing where she now wont settle for dh as easily as for me etc etc