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I must not be cut out for motherhood

60 replies

CantCope · 12/04/2006 20:32

Tonight I shouted at dd who is only 6 months old and looked absolutely terrified, because she was still crying after an hour of trying to settle her to sleep. I feel so awful. I am the person who wont leave her to cry for even one minute because I think its cruel, and yet I scared her and was so horrible to her myself.

I am so frustrated tonight. I never thought when I had a baby that 6 months down the line I would spend hours of every day coping with a crying baby and trying to get her to feed or sleep. That I would never get more than 4 hours sleep a night myself and never more than 2 hours in a row. That I would have zero social life, look like a pile of crap, spend most evenings catching up on jobs rather than reading or watching a film, spending time with dh,or relaxing in any shape or form, because it takes a whole day just looking after a baby nevermind getting anything else blooming done. Or else I am out of the house during the day at a group or visiting a friend because I cant cope with a day in the house with baby.

We have been for over a month now trying to resist rocking dd to sleep, and using PU/PD or Shush/Pat in her cot. Supposedly after a few nights or weeks it should take less and less time to settle to sleep - not the case - sometimes she falls asleep on the breast, sometimes she can fall asleep in the cot after a fit of fussing, most of the time she fusses gets picked up and put down again etc etc etc for the best part of an hour. I dont have the blooming patience for it because I spend most days feeling so tired I could cry.

Am I getting something seriously wrong? as I feel like a total failure as a mother tonight - if I can shout at a tiny baby who just cant seem to settle herself to sleep, goodness knows I will have no patience for a toddler or the rest of childhood.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
waggledancer · 13/04/2006 21:35

Just a thought, but we tried cranial osteopathy when ds was 5 months, cos we were desparate. He had a fairly tough time at birth, and was posterior through the pregnancy. It didn't do miracles but his relaxation and sleep improved, especially during the day. He had always slept with his head tilted back till then and doesn't now. It could be worth thinking about and can't do any harm, except to your bank balance

CantCope · 14/04/2006 08:47

waggledancer - we have tried the same thing with the cranial osteopathy (dd was also breach during pg and posterior in long labour) and its been great, it has helped her be much more settled during the day. Funny you should mention actually, as she was due to have her 6th and final treatment a week ago but had to cancel because something else came up, and then had to cancel again because she was ill, and I think maybe she does need it and hence very unsettled at night at the moment.

Just an update - slept at mums last night and got a full 7 hours (woo hoo!) - dh fed her at 11.30pm and 2.30am and settled her by rocking another 3 times apparently. What a star - he'd even tidied up and cleaned the kitchen. Back to reality now tho Grin.

OP posts:
Thell · 14/04/2006 11:15

my dh bought me this book -

\link{http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0071381392/qid=1145008966/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_3_1/026-1550322-3684418\no cry sleep solution}

which helped me to relax over the crying issue - there are knowledgable people out there that agree with us that it IS natural and right to not want your baby to cry. Smile

my babe is only 6 weeks old, and can't get herself to sleep. she sleeps fabulously at night when we co-sleep, so i bought a bedside cot from mothercare, and even my dh agrees that if she sleeps best when cuddled, then we should cuddle her - though not sure how we will feel about that in 6 months' time!

i also bought this book-

\link{http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1579546455/qid%3D1145009513/026-1550322-3684418\the wonder weeks}

  • which describes when fussy periods occur because of major growth spurts. just quite reassuring to have someone else confirm the bigger picture.
waggledancer · 14/04/2006 12:32

Good for your dh. Mine couldn't help cos ds wouldn't take a bottle until he was 7 months old. We have shared more since then and it definitely helps. I have decided to ignore any unhelpful bits i read, like no baby needs feeding at night after 6 months, and doing what keeps me as sane and rested as poss.
Grab every opportunity to sleep and remember it does get better as they get bigger.

kayjayel · 15/04/2006 18:55

Can't cope - just like lots of others your post sounded like me two months ago. DS breastfed to sleep most nights, woke approx every 2 hours, fed to sleep each time, once up was a nightmare to get back in cot, but co-sleeping left me exhausted (crap sleep for me, him constantly latched on). Just wanted to say it got better, without CC, more No-cry type solutions. And he dropped night feed last week (he's 8 mths) spontaneously, so am really pleased that was baby-led, not HV-led. And despite being bf to sleep now can go to sleep on his own (me in room). Wanted to give you message of hope, cos when I was in it I spent hours trying to find optimistic stories on MN!

Also think you're right about ADs - my 'PND' was cured when I got more sleep and thus was able to enjoy the day more and feel like a competent mother.

Good luck, and hope you feel more hopeful!

dreamteamgirl · 15/04/2006 21:23

Hi CC

Its a killer isnt it, what lack of sleep does too you, absolutely awful. I too, have shouted, i think we all have.

We got this for DS www.kiddicare.com/invt/xldtmywtpmoondrmz, never used it until he was 7 months and it made a great sleep trigger

stoppinattwo · 16/04/2006 22:32

doodypud
my Dh is never awake for more than 2 - 3 hours between feeds in the day time either- bloody men!!!Grin soz serious thread but jus couldnt resist

CantCope · 17/04/2006 19:31

thanks for the links, thell, I have read the no-cry book, and its very wise, its just that alot of the stuff simply doesnt get her to sleep without crying - she wont even feed to sleep now, she wakes up and bawls as soon as I try to put her in the cot. I will try to get the other book you recommend.

kayjay thanks for the glimmer of hope - I would blooming love it if all this stopped at 8 months.

Things are now worse because dd is poorly with bug, temperature, cold, teething - who knows what, but she just wants holding all the time and is waking all the time in the night. I'm now only typing this to let off steam because I know things cant get better while she is ill. I also know if I dont get some sleep soon I will have full on PND.

thanks for the support anyway everyone x

OP posts:
georginarf · 17/04/2006 19:35

oh god CC, just what you need!

Have you tried Medised? It's the one painkiller thing that actually helps send DD to sleep....

lazycow · 24/04/2006 12:35

Hi cantcope

Was wondering how you are doing. A lot of your post really rang a bell with me. I also read the 'no cry sleep solution' and also had the problem that while I agreed with it - it didn't fit our situation.

The author seemed to assume that there was a way of comforting/getting your baby to sleep that worked and to go back to using that if the baby got too distressed. Problem was ds just didn't settle no matter what you did. Feeding just did not work consistently and if anything made him more agitated sometimes. Rocking/walking seemed to drive him mad. As for pu/pd - what a laugh - he didn't stop crying when you picked him up so I was not able to put him down as he just kept crying. I think you are supposed to PD when they stop crying - hah chance'd be a fine thing.

Have things improved at all? I do hope things are getting better. Ds did improve quite a bit around 7/8 months old and started waking 1-2 times for a quick (30 min) feed then going back to sleep again - that was bliss compared to what had gone before but as I said in my previous post I did make a determined effort to improve his daytime sleep at around 6 months old and almost made myself go mental in the process - though whether it worked or not I'm not sure. Maybe he would have improved anyway.

I forgot to say I did also cry cranial osteopathy when he was 10 months old as his sleep had got a bit worse again and I really could not face going back to the 4-9 month old sleeping pattern. I didn't feel at first that it was working but after about a month and a couple of days after his last treatment he slept from 7pm - 5am for the first time ever so maybe in retrospect it did help. He didn't do it again for a while but he is not too bad now (16 months old) and sleeps most nights through though by no means all of them.

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