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Sleep

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Original poster

Cry It Out is NOT working!

52 replies

KrissieJules · 14/12/2012 21:02

About a month ago we started using the 'Cry It Out' method for out then 12MO. All the books said that after a week she would begin to get the message and she'd calm herself, stop the huge screaming fit and sleep herself.

This was 4weeks ago, our 13MO is STILL screaming - literally shaking when she's put down to sleep, this can go on for 2hrs? She won't stop crying when we go in to calm her or read her a story. She's left in her cot until she falls asleep from crying!

Can anybody help?

Please, I don't want hate about the 'cry it out' method, I myself didn't like the idea of it and refused to for a year - but if OH and I don't get time to ourselves we won't be together much longer!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Skiffen · 14/12/2012 21:10

Unfortunately, it sounds as though you may need to go back to square one. If your DD has now learned that bed time means being left to cry, she will/has become averse to bedtime. You need to reteach her that you are there for her, that you will come when she calls, and that going to sleep is ok. She cannot communicate her distress and fear to you except by crying.

The problems with books that advocate these methods (and other people who found they worked for them) is that they do work for some people. But we are all different. This method does not work for you, and it is frightening and upsetting your DD. So, you need to stop and possible accept that undoing the last few weeks is going to take some time.

I don't have the answers, my children are different to your DD and both of mine have needed different approaches to help them to settle. Has your DD ever settled, what were you doing before you went for CIO? How does she settle for naps? Did you try any other sleep-training methods?

I'm really sorry your relationship is suffering from the strain. Lack of evenings are really hard. Enlist any help you can from others to give yourselves some couple time - be that a lunchtime at a weekend, or an evening at home with DD settled upstairs.

Original poster

KrissieJules · 14/12/2012 21:14

Before CIO we were rocking her to sleep and putting her down asleep - at 13MO she is wayyyy too heavy to rock to sleep!

So we started letting her stay up with us, she wasnt tired and so we didnt want to force her - I used to be completely no crying but it started to take a strain on mine and my partner's relationship and having her with us 24/7 meant that intimacy was not an option!

OP posts:

SamSmalaidh · 14/12/2012 21:18

Have you tried anything else, or did you go straight from rocking her to sleep to letting her cry for 2 hours?

Unlurked · 14/12/2012 21:20

I think you need to change your whole bedtime routine for a start. If you change it completely you can work on getting her to feel more positive about her cot and bedtime in general.

With my dc's I would start of by sitting with them then after they'd got used to going to sleep like that I'd put them to bed then quietly potter about in the bedroom, maybe sit down and mn on my phone. After they got used to that I'd potter about then leave the room for a few minutes, come back in and repeat until dc was asleep so eventually I'd put them to bed, leave the room and they'd go off to sleep themselves.

Obviously this wouldn't work for all children but it's what worked for us!

I'd say that if whatever technique you try isn't showing signs of working after a week, give it up and find something else to try!

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot · 14/12/2012 21:22

This happens a lot. The authors of these fucking books wouldn't want you to know it, but it does. Either immediately, or further down the line. CIO teaches a child you are not there for them. You have left her to scream herself to sleep for two hours a night, for a month.

She needs to learn that you are there for her, and that you love her, all over again, or of course she will be terrified of bed time.

Frankly I'd go back to rocking her, then rocking her until she's nearly asleep, then sleepy, then awake, over a period of weeks.

Dr Sears writes some wonderful things about sleep. No Cry Sleep Solution also gets praised highly.

Skiffen · 14/12/2012 21:22

You may need to go back to rocking her off - can you use a rocking chair or a sling? You need to get back to her feeling safe and feeling that going to sleep is on ok thing to do. Once you're back there, you could go for a slow withdrawal method - the disappearing chair, shush-pat, pick-up, put-down etc, or putting her down almost asleep and working back from that.

This may all take some time as it sounds as though she's got poor sleep associations from the last 4 weeks.

WeAreSix · 14/12/2012 21:26

We had to have a very strong bedtime routine and gradually move out of the room with our sleep-refuser. Controlled crying didn't work at all, it just made her sad and me sadder.

We had to do it again at 15mo. DD was banging her head on the cot side so we took it off. She would still wake in the night but was much easier to settle again.

I used a book called The No Cry Sleep Solution by E. Pantley ( I think ) which was very good.

It's hard work, emotionally and physically but you'll get there. My DD is 9 now and sleeps brilliantly :)

BertieBotts · 14/12/2012 21:27

I'm sorry, I know you're only doing what you think best, and desperate times etc, but you let your one year old baby cry for two hours and she now shakes (presumably with fear?) when you put her down to sleep? Poor baby :(

I think you should take her into your bed and cuddle her to sleep now for a few nights to reassure her that you do still love her and you haven't just abandoned her, and then perhaps start again with a much gentler sleep training method if you're set on doing that. First I think you're going to have to undo the damage that's already been done.

Is your partner pressuring you to do this BTW? Is it about sex?

BertieBotts · 14/12/2012 21:28

Oh dear everyone's been far more tactful than me I am sorry OP. It's horrible when you're sold a lie about something.

KvetnutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 14/12/2012 21:30

what Bertie said - how did you do this for a month?! poor baby! and poor you too, must have been awful for you both :(

there are many gentler ways to get a baby to sleep, the book 'Teach Your Child to Sleep' is a good read.

SamSmalaidh · 14/12/2012 21:31

Agree with others that you need to work hard now to win your baby's trust back.

I found the Baby Whisperer's sleep tips were pretty good.

Original poster

KrissieJules · 14/12/2012 21:33

We sat and read to her as she lay in her cot until she fell asleep but as soon as she's put in the cot now she screams, shakes and wont calm at all! So reading to her becomes impossible xx

OP posts:

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot · 14/12/2012 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Unlurked · 14/12/2012 21:37

I think it's really hard when you're being told by (what feels like) EVERYONE that this is the solution to your problems and you just need to be strong enough to see it through. Then you wait and wait and the situation just gets worse and worse and nobody tells you how long you're supposed to wait for.

We all make mistakes op, you can fix this.

Original poster

KrissieJules · 14/12/2012 21:38

She's never slept through - ever!

She wakes every 2-3hrs and I go in to see her and leave her to put herself back to sleep, which involves ALOT of crying again!

About 1-2am when she wakes I get her out of her cot and breastfeed her in bed where she stays with me until 9:30am when she wakes me up with kisses or sometimes I wake to her trying to eat my nose as she sits by the side of my head!

OH doesn't like her sleeping in our bed at all and refuses to be a part of the whole, getting up out of bed at 1,2,3,4am to calm her. His answer IS to let her cry it out completely alone for 2hours. I go in every 10-20mins but it just seems to anger her more that I appear and don't pick her up.

OP posts:

TeamBacon · 14/12/2012 21:40

CIO doesn't work a lot of the time, and thebabies that it doesn't work for get v stressed, as you've found out.

Agree about back to square one. Lots of cuddles and loads and loads of reassurance, go totally overboard. Gently introduce her back to the cot for short periods during the day, and get her feeling safe and secure again.

Once she's calmer about going in the cot, just do what works to get her to sleep. Rocking, singing, dummy... Whatever. Once that works, start thinking about a different kind of sleep training, if that's what you want to do.

SamSmalaidh · 14/12/2012 21:42

OK, so crying methods don't work - you have to find something else.

Forget the whole leaving her thing for a week - stay with her, rock her to sleep, until she stops being afraid. Then you can try something else - gradual retreat maybe?

Sounds like you are giving her very mixed messages too - sometimes you leave her to cry in the night, sometimes you breastfeed her and take her into your bed. All she knows is that she has to cry a lot, and sometimes you comfort her and sometimes you don't. Decide how you are going to tackle the night waking and be consistent.

TeamBacon · 14/12/2012 21:42

DS needed help to get to sleep until he was well over a year old. He didn't sleep through until 18mo. It's NORMAL.

Sounds like what you actually need is a supportive husband who doesn't think that leaving your baby alone and screaming is a good idea! Ugh.

Skiffen · 14/12/2012 21:44

TBH - and I was being really careful with my wording in earlier posts as you asked us to be - I would co-sleep with her for some time now, cuddle her, feed her and restore your relationship.

I would suggest your OH moves onto the sofa/spare room. As he's not helping anyway, he may as well be out of the way. An adult's needs can and should come second to a tiny pre-verbal baby.

This is just my own approach though - and others would disagree - but I honestly think that the only way CIO/persisting with this upsetting and inconsistent approach as you are doing is going to result in your DD sleeping more is if you continue to the point where she feels that it's not worth trying to communicate her needs to you, as you will ignore her regardless. And I can't imagine you want her to feel like that.

Original poster

KrissieJules · 14/12/2012 21:46

I've just looked on Amazon, is it 'The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways To Help Your Baby Sleep' ??

OP posts:

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot · 14/12/2012 21:47

Your OH sounds like a useless idiot. Seeing as he's leaving the night wakings to you, and you get more sleep co-sleeping, I think the answer is pretty obvious.

Oh, and some children aren't ready to sleep through until they are a few years old. So not sleeping through at this age is rather normal.

Iggly · 14/12/2012 21:48

No the answer isn't to let her CIO because it isn't working. I know you didn't want hate but your poor daughter.

How long did rocking her to sleep take?

Have you considered why she might be waking up so often?

Food intolerances are a cause of night wakings - it can be subtle but a real effect. I've seen it in both of mine (older literature on sleep training mentions this and states that you must rule it out before trying sleep training). I'd be inclined to think it might be that or has she got a tongue/lip tie giving her wind problems (my dd doesn't settle well as she takes down wind).

I've found a gentle transition from rocking to putting dd down drowsy has worked in settling her faster.

But you need to have a think about what's wrong because I think CIO is cruel.

lagoonhaze · 14/12/2012 21:48

I can email you a pdf copy if you like. PM me

Original poster

KrissieJules · 14/12/2012 21:48

I can see what you're saying Skiffen and you make a valid point - I could be discouraging her from communicating with us at all because of the bedtime routine we've got.

OP posts:

TeamBacon · 14/12/2012 21:49

Let her sleep with you and kick your useless heartless OH out of bed if he doesn't bloody like it.
Grrrrr

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