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Original poster

Listening to my crying baby makes me feel sick

61 replies

sowaddayasay · 02/07/2012 19:40

What can I do? She has been crying for 40 horrible minutes, I try to pat her and caress her and stroke her little nose but she won't stop crying. She wants to sleep lying next to me but I need to get my evenings back, I have to work, I can't e going to bed at 8 anymore. I feel sick. She is 8 and a half months :(

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Original poster
sowaddayasay · 02/07/2012 20:23

Well, I caused some damage to my chest and back by using a sling too tight, so 3 months later I'm still not able to breathe deep without hurting. So can't go back to slings as much as I'd like. And she doesn't just want me in the room, she wants my body next to hers so the computer wouldn't fit. Oh dear, this is beginning to sound like a ghastly excuse to the teacher "dog ate my paper...baby won't let me use my computer"

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thisisyesterday · 02/07/2012 20:24

do you have space to put the cot up next to your bed?

we took one side off and pushed ours right up next to the bed. once i'd perfected the art of getting ds2 asleep without feeding, i would roll him into the cot and stay wih him til he was asleep

it was then an easier process getting him to sleep in the cot in his room as he was already used to sleeping in it

thisisyesterday · 02/07/2012 20:26

no, it doesn't sound like excuses, really. it's hard when you have a high-needs baby, ebcause as natural as it is for babies to be like that it so often doesn't fit in with what we need to do in life and that complicates stuff.

we found the sling a lifesaver, but if you can't use one then you can't use one.

Original poster
sowaddayasay · 02/07/2012 20:30

Thanks thisisyesterday, that's what I'm trying to do, get her to sleep without feeding, since Easter, but it's completely hit and miss and of anything seems to be getting worst. Just sick of being the human dummy now. Sad

But it really helped reading every idy's suggestions .

We failed the controlled crying again, she has just fallen asleep on the breast again, I have out her in her cot but feel just awful after an hour and a half of shared crying.

How can I do this to her again? Sad

Cheers everybody

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Original poster
sowaddayasay · 02/07/2012 20:32

Funny enough, she is such a sweet easy going baby during the day, it's at night time that she wants to be like a little newborn, stuck on me. And she refuses to take a dummy which I think would have helped...

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Kveta · 02/07/2012 20:35

have you tried gradual retreat? we did this with DS and it was very successful for a while

basically you sit next to her holding her hand or patting her or whatever, whilst totally ignoring her - read a book or something to avoid eye contact. a few days of this, then stop physical contact just sit next to her for a few nights. gradually move further away from her over several nights - 3 or 4 nights in one place, then move a wee bit further away, stay there for a few nights etc etc. eventually you'll be out the door and she will settle herself without you there.

sympathies though, it's so tiring getting them to sleep!!

BertieBotts · 02/07/2012 20:40

Has DH tried anything else to help or is he strictly of the CC school of thought? I agree it's a little harsh of him to criticise you if he's not willing to actually put the work in and help. He might have been at work all day but it's not like you're sitting down to relax, you've been in charge of the children all day which is tiring enough and now you need some quiet time to concentrate on your work.

Some of my friends who were breastfeeding started a routine where they would feed the baby and then their DH would take him/her upstairs for bath (optional) and bed. The way they deal with this varies - one of them does singing and makes up stories, one of them starts off with fun tickling and games and slowly brings it down to lying down cuddling quietly in bed and another just lies down and pretends to be asleep!

If your baby's full on then she's full on - there's nothing you can do to change that, you just have to cope with it whichever way you can. I think maybe DH needs to step up here because you really need this time in the evenings, and you've done your fair share of the high needs baby care during the day. It's his turn now!

Original poster
sowaddayasay · 02/07/2012 20:48

Thanks BertieBotts, DH is actually very helpful and uncritical, and every night he puts out 3 year old to sleep so I can spend the ages it takes to put the baby to sleep. What is hard is that if for any work reason I need to be out in the evening, he is left with a baby that wails without her mum and a 3 year old boy who now has reverted back to baby and wants his dad to lie next to him to fall asleep!

Dh really wants to be more helpful, but because of breastfeeding has less ability to settle the little one...he is not pressurising me in any way, I just feel sorry for him lying with our boy in a little single bed every night for hours!

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Original poster
sowaddayasay · 02/07/2012 20:49

Hi Kveta, I have tried that and it never quite works...she screams for me and I end up giving in.

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Original poster
sowaddayasay · 02/07/2012 20:52

This has been dry helpful. What I have decided is no more controlled crying efforts, cant stand it.

Will continue trying to breastfeed her till almost asleep, in our bed, and then move to cot, as thisisyesterday suggests.

Once again, thanks everybody, I'm feeling a lot more optimistic again Smile

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Original poster
sowaddayasay · 02/07/2012 20:52

Very helpful not dry helpful, whatever my iPhone means!

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lovebunny · 02/07/2012 20:53

warm bathroom and warm bath together. big soft towels for drying. into bed for a snuggle.
emphasis on warm in case she's coming down with something.

and she doesn't need to learn to go to sleep on her own. why teach a child that she doesn't matter to anyone? snuggle in.

BertieBotts · 02/07/2012 20:54

Ahh I see he is settling 3yo, sorry. Was probably projecting slightly as had useless ex when DS was that age Blush

Original poster
sowaddayasay · 02/07/2012 20:56

That must have been really tough BertieBotts, don't know how you managed.

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Original poster
sowaddayasay · 02/07/2012 20:57

Will try that too lovebunny

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IwishIwasmoreorganised · 02/07/2012 21:16

All I'd suggest is that whatever you decide to do, you're consistent with it.

Gradual retreat worked for our 2ds's.

There is no way I could have managed to do controlled crying as i'm like you and felt sick if they cried for very long at all (nights when ds's was putting them to bed, or even when they were unwell).

I hope that you have a breakthrough soon.

Xx

LittleMilla · 02/07/2012 21:17

As others have said, the no cry sleep solution has got some gentle ways to help you teach your baby to fall asleep. I don't think your DH sounds unreasonable and reading your post, it sounds as though you WANT to teach your baby.

This will be controversial, but I don't know why people don't see babies being able to self settle as a positive thing. It isn't easy, at any age really. But once you crack it then life for BOTH of you is a bit easier. Your baby is obnviously confused, but it's probably because you're not 100% convinced about what you're doing. So you need to find a solution you are happy and comfrtable with AND THEN STICK TO IT.

My DS is 14 mo and we're going through the process of trying to get him to sleep in longer in the mornings. It's bloody hard work involving a fair amount of crying/whinging. But baby's are conditioned by us and so it's up to us to try and change behaviour if it isn't working. I am quickly learning that very little will happen without some intervention.

Good luck

spammertime · 02/07/2012 21:26

See I agree cc will work if you persist, and if you want to do it then go for it - I don't think you will harm her.

However it all depends on if you do really want to! I have a dd who is exactly the same age and just the same temperament - she's asleep on me now. I also have 2 older children who have both just gone to sleep on their own (and the older one at least will stay in his bed all night!) - I have never done controlled crying and I'm not about to start now. They really do all get there in the end.

I'm trying to encourage a bit more independent sleep so she goes on a baby beanbag next to the sofa in the evening after I've fed her to sleep (that's the theory - last week when she was ill she wasn't having any of it). Next step cot I hope!!

Like I said cc would work, I'm sure. But do it because it's what YOU want rather than because you think it's what's expected of you. She really will do it by herself in the end.

edam · 02/07/2012 21:27

if it makes you unhappy and feel sick, imagine how it feels to your dd. If it feels wrong, stop doing it!

'babys are conditioned by us and so it's up to us to try and change behaviour if it isn't working' is a bit simplistic. Babies are not blank canvases, just waiting for parents to draw whatever they please. They have their own personalities and their own needs - and they have the ability to feel hot, or cold, or scared, or in pain, and to require comfort and touch and their mother's voice. This may at times be ruddy inconvenient to the adults. But it's just how babies are.

Thousands of years of evolution has made human babies particularly helpless, because they are born about three months too early for primates of a comparable body size. If human babies went 'full term' in biological terms, they'd be too big to fit through the pelvis. This is all a compromise between walking upright and giving birth to live young - the pelvis was tilted as we began to walk upright, making it harder to give birth. Upshot is, newborn human babies are completely helpless and have an even more intense need of their mothers than other apes.

A really interesting book with fascinating insights into the mental and physical development of babies is 'How Babies Think' by (IIRC) Alison Gopnik et al. A bunch of psychologists who are parents themselves, and talk about research into child development with empathy and confessing their own mistakes and frustration rather than in the tone of experts talking down to parents.

Iggly · 03/07/2012 07:39

She's approaching the age of quite strong separation anxiety and a big sleep regression (9 months) so sleep training methods will either not work or take ages until she's over it. I would go easy until it passes.

My DS settled better in the cot (as does DD who's 7 months) when on their tummies - that's with me there after I'd fed then rocked and put down if they didn't sleep. It's more cosy for them and I am get right close and make them feel safer.

Original poster
sowaddayasay · 03/07/2012 08:50

I'll try to get hold of that Edam, thanks.

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Original poster
sowaddayasay · 03/07/2012 08:53

Hadn't thought of sleep regression Iggly, there are other changes coming up soon, she'll be starting going at a childminder for 3 days per week so that will also shake her a bit.

Last night was awful, she's such a jumpy happy little thing today!

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forevergreek · 03/07/2012 09:17

Try leaving her and returning every minute to calm then put in cot again and leave but if she's still crying return in a minute. And repeat

Should take a few days but the gap getting bigger so if she isn't crying then return after a few mins ( grizzling)

I find that when they can see you it's actually harder for them to settle

( set timer as one min can seem a long time when crying)

So settle ( can hold/rock)
Place in cot
Say sleep cue ' sleepytime' or similar
Kiss and leave
If still unsettled after 1 min return
Repeat

LittleMilla · 03/07/2012 12:07

Edam, I know I am being simplistic, but I do believe that they don't know how to do a lot of these things and so it is up to parents to guide them. Of course some children are easier than others and I am not one of these smug parents that has got a child that will do anything! I have just learnt over the last year or so that my DS isn't magically going to self settle/sleep through the night/sleep for longer in the morning etc without some guidance/manipulation on our side.

All I am trying to say is work within parameters that you are comfortable with and then stick to it. Otherwise the baby will get more confused.

We did/do something similar to forevergreek. As my mum pointed out to me when I first starting on this with DS, they are often crying/upset because they are tired and simply don't know HOW to fall asleep and make it better.

Iggly · 03/07/2012 13:18

DD gets worse if I'm not there when she's in the cot and screams blue murder if I leave her. I'm trying to teach her to sleep there (we co sleep) and she lies there for a few mins while I stroke her back (which is what I do in bed). Can you adjust slightly how you soothe her to sleep in bed to make it easier to do that while she's in a cot? Or set up the cot flush with your bed and get her in there then work on moving it away?