What am I doing wrong?

[Booboostoo]

Please tell me that I am doing something really evidently wrong, because I can't take it anymore and I need to sleep.

DD is nearly 12 months. She is bf on demand and although I tried a couple of weeks of her sleeping in her own cot when she was born, I soon moved to co-sleeping just to survive (she woke up so often, getting out of bed to pick her out of the cot, feed her and put her back was killing me).

She started solids at 6 months, she is very interested and eats well most days so I was hoping that she would drop some bf feeds but instead she has added the solids to all her previous bf feeds. She is a large baby on the 95th percentile for height and over the 98th for weight.

As a result she eats all the time. She goes to bed at 7pm with a feed, I then join her at 10pm when she eats again but many nights she wakes up 2-3 times to eat between the two as well. From 10pm onwards anything can happen: one some, few, miraculous nights she sleeps for 5 hours before starting a massive feed for 2-3 hours in the morning before we get up at 7.30am. On most nights though she just wakes me up again and again to eat- not sure how many times, I am pretty out of it by then. I am still co-sleeping but even so not getting any sleep.

The falling asleep is usually pretty good, she will fall asleep bfing, but will ocassionally also self-sooth, it's the constant re-waking up to feed! She sleep-feeds for one hour in the morning and 45 minutes in the afternoon during the day.

Last night DP found me in bed bawling my eyes out because I had been 'at it' for 2 hours and all I had done was feed DD. DP wants me to move her into her own room but I don't see how I will survive that with the feeds!

It might be worth giving it a try. Maybe DD is asking for it during the night as you are so near?

Do it. And get dp to go to her if/when she wakes. He can cuddle her or, if she won't settle offer a bottle, eventually aiming to wean her off feeding. She doesn't need it if she's eating well in the day. She is feeding because you're there.

She will cry but you need to be strong. She doesn't know any different but if you can't cope anymore it needs to change.

It isn't cruel. You are teaching her an important skill. We all need sleep to develop, learn, grow and rest. Don't feel guilty. You have done amazingly.

She won't take a bottle at all. She used to take bottles of expressed milk right at the beginning (about 6 weeks old) but around 5 months old she started refusing them and hasn't taken one since so I haven't had a break since then. I enjoy many aspects of bf but it is so demanding and I have only had two afternoons 'off' in 12 months!

I will give her cot a try. Should I try with one of the daytime sleeps, maybe the afternoon one where she rarely sleeps anyway or should I go for the night sleep straight away?

If you're doing something wrong then so am I.. DS was exactly the same at this age and is fairly similar now at 15 months. We've just put him in a cot next to the bed (taken one side off and built a platform so it's the same height) and he seems to be eating less during the night, perhaps because he's a few inches further away from me. Is this something that might work for you?

I do think what you're describing is normal, and I do think your LO will grow out of it in her own time. I've noticed DS gradually eating more (like enormous quantities) of solid food in the last couple of weeks and his milk intake is gradually reducing but he's over a year old so I don't have to worry about milk being his main source of nutrition.

I relaxed a huge amount after his first birthday, I think if you accept that this is how your baby is (even when everyone you know has a baby who sleeps 12 hours without a feed) you will too. If you want to change things I'm sure others here will give you good advice but IME it won't last forever even if it feels like it right now

I think it sounds quite normal. You are doing nothing wrong. My DD is now 18 months and only in the last week or so starting to drop night time feeds, and only some nights. It will get better

Can possibly help with the sleep-feeding for naps though - I've found that once DS has stopped actually swallowing and is asleep or dozy with a few attempts I can often remove him and he'll continue sleeping. It doesn't always work and I still can't leave his side for every nap but for some I can. I feel it's important to encourage your baby to see sleep as a positive experience and that takes time. Hang in there, it is going to get easier!

Thanks everyone! I will try to hang in there, but I am totally shattered. As it is I am not doing any work (self-employed so not the end of the world as DP is taking up the slack) and I have ridden once in 3 weeks so I am not sure what else I can drop! Some days I am too tired to trust myself to drive!

Have you taken a look at No Cry Sleep Solutions? My DD is breastfed and now 2 years old - we have never co slept but had a similar situation to your until she was 11 months old - the difference was that I was sitting in her feeding chair during the night. We then tried the Pantly Pull Off Method and found that it really changed things. My DD has pretty much slept through since then from 8-6. The premise is that your DD needs to learn to sleep without being on the breast. Up until 11 months my DD always fed to sleep.

Sorry didnt mean to hit send... what I meant to say is that the idea is that you stop your DD sucking to sleep so that when she wakens in the night she is able to go back to sleep without the breast.

That sounds really tough . For what it's worth, I don't think you're doing anything wrong, you just have a 12 month old exhibiting behaviour well within the normal range, but really hard to deal with.

It will pass, no matter what you do or don't do. Honestly.

I'm going to add my 2 pence in now. We were doing the exact same thing and at around 18 months he turned a corner. Now wales at 5.30am each day after sleeping through but that is by far more manageable.
I've noticed DS comfort fed more when he was teething

Thanks harverina will try the book.

Unfortunately DD's problem is not falling asleep as such. She will fall asleep at the breast, or she will fall asleep by herself quietly or she will fall asleep by herself after a little, short cry (not a full blown upset cry, more a wingey cry). It's more that she wakes up and eats endlessly! I feel bad stoping her because I assume she knows best whether she is hungry or not.

I don't know if I am making any sense though anymore! :)

No expert here! Similar story to you- reached the end of my rope and something had to give. We moved ds into his cot in his own room, with dh doing the wakenings. I decided to feed around 3/4 am, as ds is a brilliant eater during the day, but I didn't want to cut the night feedings completely. He woke less immediately. I'm now convinced that being so near to me woke him up to feed. We had a good period of a month or so where he slept from 7, woke at 11, dh settled him, then woke at 3/4, I fed him and usually co-slept from then. I am more rested, and ds is too. Recently he wakens earlier for a feed, but he's teething again, so I just run with it, knowing that it'll get better again. His daytime naps also improved and have become regular and longer. If I were u, I would move him and get your dp to do any wakenings, until you would feed, but in your case, get dp to put the baby back into the cot each time, initially anyway, so that you can get tanked up on sleep. You will then start to cope better with everything else! And no, you haven't done anything wrong- you've done your best for your baby

Second No Cry Sleep Solution.

And a bomb-proof tight vest and sweatshirt in bed if he's co-sleeping.

I tried Elizabeth Pantley No cry and it work for me, my daughter started getting better it has sections for nap times. I read Dr sears The baby book and in there he suggests getting the child use to a variety od comforting techniques and nightime parenting is about balance and some babies become overtakers- if you resent it change it there is lots of information and differnet ways to help you.
Also if baby has been subjected to a cry it out techqinue you will have to get baby happy to be in cot in the day.. just going in to sit and read a book stay in the room and potter fold clothers etc. untill happy

Thanks everyone! I have ordered the No Cry and another one I found on Amazon (Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child) and will see how she goes!

caza4: sorry I didn't explain properly, she has not been left to cry and is happy in the bed. She is currently lying in the bed on her own, laughing, growling and playing. She does this every morning and gives me 30 mins to let the dogs out, get some breakfast and write on the internet . For her afternoon nap she sometimes winge cries in between the laughing, growling, wall kicking, etc. but if I go to her she doesn't feed and if I pick her up she is very tired later on. If I leave her she falls asleep within a few minutes.

i've been trying the pantleys no cry sleep solution. truthfully i gave up because i just never had the energy, as i am 7 months pregnant. my 12month wakes up every night atleast 4 to 5 times a night, i co-sleep, he sometimes bf to sleep and sometimes plays till he goes sleep. i noticed giving him a bowl of porridge with warm milk, gets him settled and tired and it stops he's 2 hour bf to sleep. you might want to try that, also i am going back to putting the cot against my bed.

last night because i kept him on daddy's side of the bed he slept for six hours.

I know exactly how you feel.

My DC1 bf until 14 months, but always slept for decent periods at night. DC2 is a whole different story - he is 18 months now, and until the last week had never gone more than 3 hours without waking in the night. Like you, I co-slept to stay sane. He had no problem getting to sleep, it was the constant wakings that did me in. I tried getting him into his own room a few times, but as he would wake every hour it seemed pointless.

What has worked for us (well, it's a work in progress as we only started a week ago)was to say no more milk at night. He has his feed before he goes to sleep, then I don't bf again until 5.30am at the earliest. DH took him for the first few nights, and co-slept with him. If I tried to comfort him he got really angry, hitting my boob saying "miiiillllk" but with DH he would grumble for a while and then go back to sleep.

Once he stopped asking for milk every waking (2 nights for us) we started putting him in his cot every time he fell asleep. I took back over most of the night wakings, cuddling him if he woke, but putting him back in the cot as soon as he was settled. The first night I felt like I was leaning over his cot patting his back for most of the night, but over the next few nights he got better at going back off more quickly.

Last night he slept from 9pm - 7am in his cot, with only one quick waking at 12.30. I would never have believed this a week ago - he used to spend 50% of the night latched on (with me dozing usually, but as you know it's no great rest you get).

Good luck, I hope it works for you. I know the "trapped" feeling of being the only source of comfort (DC2 never took a bottle or dummy, no matter how hard I tried!) You are doing an amazing job, and the end is definitely in sight!

(((hugs))) to you. You've done a fantastic job bfing her for so long & you mustn't feel guilty for wanting some sleep at night now she is 12 months old!

Quote OP: 'I feel bad stoping her because I assume she knows best whether she is hungry or not.'

I actually think this is one of the pitfalls of demand feeding. There is the assumption baby must be hungry b/c she is feeding, but if she is eating well in the day then she shouldn't really need frequent feeds like that at night - its like having a newborn! TBH her 'feeding' sounds more like an issue of comfort suckling. And if she gets comfort from suckling, then she will continue to suckle while the boob is available to her IYSWIM?

I think appleton has hit the nail on the head & a similar tactic would be your best bet. In particular having DH settle her is a good idea b/c she already knows she can't get milk from him. BTW if you are considering naps v night time first, IME we always found nighttime to be the best time for new things b/c DS is always ready to go down for his big sleep, so he is more accepting of a change as he's shattered & just wants to go to sleep. Whereas in the day he'd probably fight change more. That said, I think others opt for day first so the rough bit is out of the way before you hit night time.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.xx

Roxymm poor you! I slept through most of my pregnancy so I can't even imagine having to deal with a little one not sleeping at the same time. Coincidentally we thought of the porridge this weekend, she has been eating huge amounts of it since...sadly with no difference! Perhaps she is growth spurting again (she ate from 10pm to midnight, then 3am to 8am this morning last night).

appleton thanks I think we will need to get DP to get her more used to other ways of being comforted. I also tried a dummy quite a few times but she won't have it. Then again friends with dummies report having to get up to replace the dummy through-out the night so maybe you can't win!

Omama you have hit the nail on the head! If I were sure she is hungry of course I would feed her, if I knew it was a comfort issue then I would be happier to try to replace the boob with other methods of comfort so that DP can help out and maybe she can also learn to self-sooth.

drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html

I'm thinking of trying this method as know others it worked for.

drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html

Thank you, will read up on this one as well.

Much sympathy booboostoo - 13 month old is similar -wakes frequently although fortunately only for a quick feed then back to sleep. We usually co sleep but have moved her to her own room for naps and for the start of the night, or give us an option if she won't settle in bed (only one of us has to be awake then)

The only thing I wanted to add was make sure you get more time off! Are you a SAHM? I work part time and really enjoy it. I also go to the gym and let my ILs take DD out every now and again without guilt. This helps restore my batteries to deal with the night wakings. Its hard to be a parent 24 hours a day.

Yes if I go out in the evening DP might have a crap time trying to resettle but she is with her loving daddy and will come to no harm (and after staying in for months I deserve the odd night out I think!)

appleton That sounds amazing btw. How verbal is your DS? Do you think 18 months is the right age for them to understand "no milk at night"? I keep hoping that as my DD gets older that would be my plan.