Self-settling is a myth - discuss...

[PickledLily]

I want to throw the Baby Whisperer book out of the window - my baby won't self-settle (5wo), for all the patting on the back/picking up putting down in the world.

Has anyone succeeded (with a baby that has never previously self settled)? Do I have an especially needy baby or am I just being too soft?

My friends can put their babies down and they just lie there quietly cooing before dropping off to sleep. Mine just screams and flaps her little arms and legs around :(

Myth I reckon, certainly was for both of mine.

Also, they are so lovely and tiny for so little time, why bother when you could be cuddling them on the sofa watching DVDs

Now they are older, I wouldn't have swapped that time for the world now. Enjoy it while it lasts, they'll settle soon enough.

I love the Baby Whisperer so I am a bit biased! But you're not meant to use the pick up/put down method until they're 4 months old anyway, so your LO is too small for this. I have had 2 different babies, my DS wouldn't self settle for ages and never responded well to the BW techniques - I had to sit with him & hold his hand till he was calm enough to fall asleep - but my DD does do that magical self-settling thing. So I guess each baby is different, but putting your baby down while they are still awake but before they get overtired can help them to learn the (very useful) art of self/settling. The BW does say it can take up to 20 mins for a baby to fall asleep as well. Good luck!

I don't think a child under 3 months will find self settling natural, but they are all different. I'd say at around 4-5 months, they can start to do it without too much bother.

Your baby is 5 weeks old- far too young to try sleep training!

At that age definitely a myth.

Self-settling isn't a myth but I think that your expectation of when this is achievable is asking a bit much!

How old are your friends babies?

5wo is still so tiny!! Your baby hasn't yet figured out that he/she is a separate person from you.

I think self settling is a skill like crawling, rolling, etc, that babies begin to do when they are ready. There would be no harm in giving your baby the opportunity to self settle now and again when you know he/she is tired and ready to sleep. However if your baby can't fall asleep without help I wouldn't push it and would try again in another month or so. Please don't worry about forming bad habits - your baby will get the hang of it eventually!

There are some aspects of the Baby Whisperer that I found useful (basically the eat, activity, sleep pattern), but in the early days I used to rock my DD to sleep when she didn't drop off after a feed. She began to self settle around 3mo, when she found her thumb. I noticed that she began to fuss when I was rocking her to sleep - it was her way of telling me she wanted to be put down to fall asleep. I knew when she would fall asleep on her own as she would make funny grunting noises.

Not a myth, all mine were self settling around six months (I have four) but a newborn is not going to self settle. They wake because they need something. I would always get mine really sleepy and put them down just a little bit awake from about 8 weeks old. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. As they got a bit older they did go off more times than not.

5 weeks - you need to swaddle, pat, feed to sleep whatever it takes

Your baby isn't needy - shes behaving as babies should at this age

I think self settling is an age thing

Not sure it's a 'myth' more perhaps just sheer luck if your baby will self settle - mine did from the first day we were home from hospital - I put him in his cot at 7pm and closed the door; he went to sleep.

The only thing I notice that I did differently was perhaps that I expected him to go sleep, I didn't let him fall asleep in my arms or in the living room. I made a clear distinction between 'bedroom' and other rooms (yes, even at one week ). I didn't pat/stroke/fuss over him. I am not having a go at anyone I know everyone does things differently but I have a dear friend whose children still won't sleep through the night or self settle and they are age 7 & 9 - but the Mum will just not leave them to get on with it.

• awaits flaming as I usually do on this topic -

I don't think you can really be too soft on a 5 week old baby.

DD1 needed rocking to sleep and stuff, DD2 just needed to be put down and left the hell alone.

I always think of self-settling being when they half wake up and then drop off back to sleep without intervention.

Are there really books that recommend trying to train 5 week old babies to do stuff? How fascinating.

I don't think you can change babies to be honest. I don't know because I've never tried, but I have seen lots of friends get terribly stressed out when their babies aren't doing what they Should Be Doing.

I am terribly lazy and go for the path of least resistance every time. Plus I like any excuse to cuddle my children, especially while they're sleeping.

FWIW,
My 1st would settle on me and then sleep better when put down.
My 2nd could only feed to sleep, and woke up if I left him.
My 3rd (8 wks old) goes cheerfully down into her cot and happily chats herself to sleep in minutes.

I had no say in any of the above :)

Some people are lucky enough to have babies that they can just leave them to it and they'll sleep. Some of those people will put it down to their wonderful parenting, that they taught them good habits from birth er so they have good sleepers.

Most babies are not like this.

The baby whisperer book, and others, is a pile of poo in many respects as it makes you feel crap for relying on props to get a baby to sleep as if cuddling your baby is wrong

Self settling generally comes anywhere between 3-6 months but that's only if baby is happy, fed, winded etc. if anything's bothering them, then they'll want some help even if they fight it ds started to put himself back to sleep after waking at around 5.5 months. Probably once his reflux got under control.

Burn the book and cuddle your baby.

Throw it out the window and cuddle your newborn. Self settling is something all babies/children learn. Some just learn it quicker than others but really at 5 weeks you do what you need to and don't worry too much about next month or next week (or even tomorrow when it's bad!)

Enjoy your snuggles. And buy a good sling. Dd2 lived in hers.

Ragwort after a day of being flamed, your post made me smile.

Agree with everyone; your baby is individual so try not to compare to what your friends LOs are doing (been down that path myself and it only leads to misery). I really worried that my DD would never learn to settle in her cot and seemed to need motion to sleep. A few months down the line I could see progress was being made and by about 6 months, I could pop her in the cot and she would roll on her side and shut her eyes. Still doing it 2 years later. You will get there.

iggly speaks the truth.

I think a lot of it is complete and utter luck. I was always amazed at seeing these little puddings being plonked in their car seats awake and just drifting off to sleep . My two were very much not like that. They would find enough interest in any set of surroundings to keep themselves awake for ever unless sleep was imposed by fair means or foul.

What the baby whisperer et al ignore is that little babies are designed to go to sleep when feeding and when close to you. You can't fight millions of years of evolved behaviour.

That said, I do think it worthwhile encouraging a baby to learn to self-settle if it all gets too much at some point down the line. DS is 18 months and was showing no signs of wanting to do it and I was going mad with the endless patting and rocking to sleep, so I have slightly forced the issue by doing gradual withdrawal.

Your baby is so tiny, enjoy her, and use the baby books to prop up a wonky table leg or something :)

I think anything under 6 months is too soon to expect any self settling from a baby. That's just my humble opinion. I think expecting it will only lead to frustration, upset and feelings of failure. I speak from experience!

19mo and only now will reliably self settle. Until it's disrupted by colds, teething, bloody mindedness...

3 nights out of 5 is a victory for us and don't get me started on night wakings

depends on the baby, i had 3 that needed the boob to sleep, then ds4 arrived and from birth he sucked his thumb and self settled! i wasn amazed.

no 5 was a bit of a mix, needed to be swaddled but self settled once swaddled fairly well :)

Aha! I suspected it might be mostly myth. Thanks everyone for your replies; it's comforting to know that it's not my baby that's the freak. I love the suggestions for re-using the book :)

Why don't books and websites say 'does not apply for newborns'?

I guess my LO is going to take a while to get comfortable being on her own - she has to be constantly held (likes the warmth and body contact) and burrows her head into the smallest, darkest corner she can find. Very sweet, but frustrating when it's 24hrs a day. And she doesn't get enough sleep; she barely gets an hour or so during the day and is then a wreck by the evening.

Lily is she swaddled? This can really help little babes who have a strong Moro reflex?

My DS self settled from a few weeks old but stopped at around 7 months old.

I think it's an age thing. My DS needed rocking and endless carrying around for the first 6 weeks, then we started gradually putting him in his cot and backing away. He was not happy the first time but the second time he made less fuss and third time went off without a murmur.

One thing we did do which I think really helped: make sure they know night-time is different to daytime. Keep the room really dark and keep talking and eye contact with baby to an absolute minimum. The second point applies for getting them to sleep in the daytime too - I had to explain to my mother that she wouldn't go to sleep if someone was constantly talking to her and looking at her earnestly, so why would you expect a baby to?

Another thing that was useful was the baby checklist (we made this up) - useful after about 8 weeks IMO:

1. Is she hungry? Try feeding.

2. Does she need a nappy change? Try changing.

3. Does she want rocking/cuddling? Rock/cuddle.

4. If baby is still crying then she's either in pain or desperate for sleep. Put her down in cot and leave for a little while. If she goes to sleep, hurrah. If not, maybe one of the above needs wasn't fully met. Try them again (not nappy).

My DS would get into a furious screaming fit if I carried him around cuddling him for too long when he just wanted to sleep, so be warned that can happen too!

One final point: lots of people tell you to enjoy your new baby and cuddle them loads. I never really wanted to cuddle my newborn much and was usually quite glad to get some time to myself when he went to sleep but all those people telling me I should be enjoying baby cuddles made me feel guilty and like a crap mother. If you do enjoy cuddles, then please cuddle away. If you don't, then don't feel bad about it - we all need an occasional break.

Good luck with your LO :)

I don't have any baby books, just do what feels natural/what DD seems to want. She found her thumb quite early on (at probably 8/9 weeks) and since then has been able to self settle. She won't do it all the time but it steadily getting better at it as the weeks go by.

I do think some babies are generally better sleepers than others.