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Original poster

PLEASE help me! I'm beside myself.....

34 replies

ShaysMummy · 02/02/2006 22:03

Am trying controlled crying, sort of, with ds. I am going to go check on him and comfort him every 5 mins but not pick him up. As soon as I leave the room he starts screaming!
Last night he just would not give in and was up till 10.30pm.
I have just googled and Australians say it damages kids emotionally....
What do I do? I need sleep and so does he, He wakes up sometimes 9 times in the night.

OP posts:
SorenLorensen · 02/02/2006 22:04

How old is he?

Aloha · 02/02/2006 22:07

The Australian thing I think is really misleading, they looked at kids in Romanian orphanages and compared it to letting a much loved child cry a bit to get to sleep. HOWEVER...my sleep lady (my new mantra!) stayed in the room with dd, lying down next to the cot, so not making eye contact and never leaning over the cot (which she says upsets babies because they think you are going to pick them up) - and just patted and squeezed from time to time. I think it's nicer than going in and out and a lot calmer for the baby.
As long as the baby is healthy and full of food and milk then I'd say it was a good strategy. It might take a long time to start with but no pain, no gain (says she who hired someone to do it for her!). Good luck. Just say, between 10.30 and 6.30, this baby is staying in its nice cosy cot, no question. I also introduced a late feed at 10.30 to help dd go through the night, and it worked.

Original poster
ShaysMummy · 02/02/2006 22:09

He is 7 months almost.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShaysMummy · 02/02/2006 22:10

Ive tried lying by the cot but he just lays there playing with his hands etc...

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SorenLorensen · 02/02/2006 22:11

I wish I'd know you could pay people to do it, aloha - would have saved me a lot of blood, sweat and tears.

Fwiw, ShaysMummy, I used CC with ds2 and he is pretty well adjusted - I don't believe a child who is loved and well looked after is damaged by CC.

Original poster
ShaysMummy · 02/02/2006 22:13

thats what i was thinking but he sounds terrible....

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SorenLorensen · 02/02/2006 22:14

I think the key phrase in your OP is "I am trying CC, sort of, with ds"

This is going to sound harsh but you can't do it "sort of" - it's all or nothing. If you start with it you have to persevere. And not everyone can do it - I couldn't with ds1, he cried and cried, and so did I, and I just gave up (and he didn't sleep through the night 'til he was 3). I was tougher with ds2 and more confident that it was the right thing to do - but it isn't for everyone.

Aloha · 02/02/2006 22:15

Shaysmummy - are you out of sight and is it dark?

Original poster
ShaysMummy · 02/02/2006 22:18

im coming right back downstairs so im not tempted to go back in before 5 mins. i meant sort of as i am not doing the incresing time thing between each of my visits, i couldnt do that. the landing light is on, but thats the same evry night.

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QE2 · 02/02/2006 22:18

Shaysmummy - you have to be hard.

I was getting desperate at the beginning of the year as ds4 (12 months at the time) would wake many times a night and end up sleeping in my bed. I was completely washed out with it.

I moved ds3 out of his room so I could let him cry without disturbing anyone else. I would leave him a good 5 minutes each time then go in and lay him down in his cot, stroke him whilst saying sshhh to him. Sometimes I found if he preferred it if I stood by the cot for a minute, then took a step away every minute until I got to the door, then stood there til he had been quiet for a couple of minutes. Then left the room. He would occasionally look round to check I was still there. Even though I wasn't picking him up, he was comforted to know I was in the room and was happy with me gradually stepping away from the cot. All this with very dim nightlight btw.

We perservered with this for 10 days. Many of those nights he would cry and cry and we almost cracked and gave in. So glad we stuck at it as he has now slept solidly through the night for a month which is something he has never done since he was born.

SorenLorensen · 02/02/2006 22:18

The way I did it was double the time left each time. So do your bedtme routine (get a good one well established: bath, cot, sing a lullaby, dim the lights - and do not deviate from this unless there is an earthquake). Say "night night, ds" and leave the room. He will cry. Wait 2 minutes (1 minute if you can't do 2), go back in. Don't pick him up. Pat him gently through the bars, say night night ds again - leave. Wait double the time (so 4 minutes if you did 2). Repeat. Don't give up. Don't sit outside and listen to him crying - go away and do something else.

It took 3 nights with ds2 but the 1st was the worst - by night 3 the crying was a token gesture.

For me it was hard but it was worth it - I couldn't bear the thought of having another dreadful sleeper like ds1.

Original poster
ShaysMummy · 02/02/2006 22:19

also , if i manage this, will he sleep thru the night?

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Aloha · 02/02/2006 22:19

I think the comforting thing and the going in and out can be teasing and stir him up. Why not try the lying down patting thing. There is crying with this method. You say he would not give in and was up until 10.30pm, does this mean he went to sleep on his own in the end?

Aloha · 02/02/2006 22:20

I think the comforting thing and the going in and out can be teasing and stir him up. Why not try the lying down patting thing. There is crying with this method. You say he would not give in and was up until 10.30pm, does this mean he went to sleep on his own in the end?

Original poster
ShaysMummy · 02/02/2006 22:23

he went to sleep in the end last night while i was comforting him, he just switched off. he is actually sobbing now, like with funny breathing, you know what i mean, do i just comfort again? help... quick...

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Angeliz · 02/02/2006 22:24

ShaysMummy, i'd go to him!
Sorry, i'm going aginst the grain here but i do think he's very young. I think Aloha's way would be the way to go as at least he'll know you're there.

SorenLorensen · 02/02/2006 22:24

If you can't face it, go in and do the patting through the bars thing and see if he drops off. Maybe try CC again in a month or so?

kasdie · 02/02/2006 22:42

just keep going in every 5 mins my dd2 is 6 mths and she will cry for about 10/30 mins you need to keep up with it dont give in he is not to young

Original poster
ShaysMummy · 02/02/2006 22:49

i went in and the sheet was soaked with tears. I picked him up (cowers!!) and just held him, i didnt rock him and he went off straight away. then i put him back in. I stayed there for a bit just to make sure e didnt wake up again. he flinched a few times, as he does if hes been upset, and has stayed asleep.
he will sleep now till about hlf one probably, then wake up. he goes back to sleep easily with little effort on my part, its just getting him to bed in the first place.
do you think maybe the pick up, put down might suit us better?

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Angeliz · 02/02/2006 22:53

YES ShaysMummy, that's exact;y what i did with dd tonight. She's 11 months and getting a tooth i think, i picked her up and she just totally relaxed and went back off, i then put her down and kept my hand with firm pressure on her back till i knew she was sound.
Personally, (and it's just MY opinion) i don't do controlled crying and i'm glad you picked him up. I've been waiting to see what you did actually.
If you're going to get that upset heraing him cry then maybe this way is better.
Do hope you get some sleep tonight.

kasdie · 02/02/2006 22:54

give it a try

SorenLorensen · 02/02/2006 22:58

ShaysMummy, you don't need to cower - like I said earlier, CC is not for everyone - try the pick up, put down technique if you think it will suit you better.

My main parenting mantra - is do whatever works for you and makes life easier.

I know exactly where you're coming from as I couldn't do CC with ds1 - we were both hysterical and it was awful. It did work with ds2 though (but he was very responsive - as I said, it only took 3 days).

If you can't do it, no sweat - try something else.

Original poster
ShaysMummy · 02/02/2006 23:00

i think p/u, p/d would be better. i developed a phobia of him crying so hv says. when he was ickle he had neonatal jaundice so badly i was hardly allowed to touch him as my hand would block the light (he was on the list for surgery). we had to watch him cry and cry and cry. actually due to this, i never got bfing established and he had to have formula anyway so it could be monitored.
i never bonded with him as i should have at the very start, it came later.
how have people found this method? how long did it take?
many thanks to all the ladies who have posted so far...

OP posts:
Angeliz · 02/02/2006 23:04

Well, i can't actually advise you on that as dd2 is actually usually in with me by 12! I do get her off before that though by having quite a heavy hand on her back (but she sleeps on her side now) so she knows i'm there.
DD1 always crept in with me too but miraculously started sleeping through when dd2 was born.
Am pregnant again so Heaven help me
FWIW, i can sense how much happier you are that you picked him up so i think that's the way for you. Hope someone can give more constructive advice+

SorenLorensen · 02/02/2006 23:05

I didn't do PU/PD - maybe if you do a search you will find some tips. Whatever you do, good luck - I know how hard it is. Ds1 didn't sleep for more than an hour and a half at a stretch 'til he was 9 months old (and after that it wasn't much better). I was like the walking dead - it's horrible.