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Sleep

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See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

My 17 mo is a horrendous sleeper

32 replies

newbabynewmum · 02/03/2012 03:12

My 17mo is a horrendous sleeper. Always has been. Sometimes I do CC for 5mins at bedtime to get her to sleep. When she inevitably wakes up crying in the night I don't leave her & do everything I can to stop her crying.

My neighbour has started banging on the walls & shouting "shut that bloody child up". I'm a single parent & find it quite intimidating. AIBU to think I'm doing everything I can?

We are a quiet house, no parties or loud noises bar this but I really don't know how to solve this.

OP posts:
Icelollycraving · 02/03/2012 03:33

Poor you! Do you see this neighbour at all? I'd be asking him how he thinks banging on the wall is helping the situation?
My husband bangs on the ceiling of our flat because upstairs have no thought for anyone else. The kids jump up & down,shout,the man starts drilling at 11pm & when questioned thinks he can do wtf he likes as its his home. I digress,if this is really the only noise you are making,there is little you can do. Have the baby (are they moved to their own room?) in a room that doesn't connect with his bedroom or living room.
Be civil,do not show any weakness to this bullyboy behaviour. Sleep deprivation is an absolute fucker,maybe he is tired too?
Good luck with the cc,have a look on the sleep threads.

Original poster
newbabynewmum · 02/03/2012 04:02

We live in a terrace house so no real option for moving her away from his room apart from like I've done currently and bought her downstairs. But that means she's now playing & watching kids tv. I have no idea how to get her to sleep again without crying and feel really on edge about it.

I may put a not through his door tomorrow explaining I do everything I can but there unfortunately isn't a tried and tested method for getting toddlers to sleep.

I feel bloody horrible tonight! Oh. And this really is the only noise, I work FT so am very quiet, no one hardly comes round let alone anything else!!!

OP posts:
Icelollycraving · 02/03/2012 07:01

Maybe having the tv on isn't a great idea in the night as maybe the sound carries? Still,better to hear tv than screaming baby. I think popping a n

Icelollycraving · 02/03/2012 07:03

sorry hit post too soon,popping a note through seems a good idea. I would put something about him hitting the wall though even in a passive aggressive way. Hope you get some sleep soon.

NevilleBarnes · 02/03/2012 07:15

Have you tried posting this in the sleep topic? You may get some helpful tips there. Also see if your HV can put you in touch with a sleep clinic. You must be on your knees with working FT and having had no sleep. I really feel for you. My eldest was about 2 and a half before she slept through. It will happen in time but you need some support. Do you have any family willing to help? Could someone take her for the night, or for the day so you could catch up on some sleep? As IceLolly says, sleep deprivation is a fucker.

troisgarcons · 02/03/2012 07:16

Swap bedrooms so hers doesnt back onto his? Move the cot to the furthest wall from adjoining his house?

No one likes fractured sleep, so if he is being disturbed every night and the sanctity of his home is being invaded, then I suppose that was the straw that broke the camels back that night.

What does your GP/HV say? Any medical reason behind it? is it night terrors?

Have you tried leaving a night light on? soft lullaby music in the back ground?

gamerwidow · 02/03/2012 07:17

My DD (19 months) isn't a great sleeper and although she'll fall to sleep easily of a nighttime quite often goes through phases of waking up in the night.
Do you give your DD a drink in the night when she wakes up? I find a warm milk quite often helps my DD settle again.
Alternatively I keep a pushchair by the bed to rock her back to sleep but if she's showing no signs of being tired sometimes I just get up with her for a couple of hours then put her back to bed.
It makes from some exhausting days if you're up from 2-4 then going to work the next day but these stages never last forever(thank god)

Witchofthenorth · 02/03/2012 10:51

I agree that fractured sleep is not the best, but, a crying child in the night is something that cannot always be helped. I think the neighbour shoud have a little understanding in this situation, I know I would!

Can you soundproof a little op? Apparently egg boxes are good at that?

You have my sympathies OP it must be difficult trying to calm your child, especially when you have the added stress of knowing that your neighbour will probably be woken also.

MarquiseOfMelburnia · 02/03/2012 11:00

Oh what a shame for you, it must be really tough, not only as a single parent but one who works full time (I thought DP and I had it bad!). My heart goes out to you because I've had recent experience of being sleep-deprived and it is bloody awful, especially at work.

The last thing you need on top of this is some grumpy bastard next door making you feel even worse about the situation. I've no doubt his sleep is being disturbed too, but what does he think you're doing, letting your baby cry in the night for fun? I would probably tap on his door for a quiet word, rather than post a note through - sometimes even a quick 2-minute chat can make all the difference. He may not be so quick to lose his rag next time if he's met you in person, iyswim?

I would definitely visit the sleep board on here for some advice, sometimes you just have to wait it out if the little one is going through a phase, or if she's always been a bad sleeper as you say, it may be symptomatic of another issue. I do hope you find a solution soon Brew

qazxc · 02/03/2012 13:20

poor you! You are doing all you can just ignore the neighbour. hope things improve soon.

thisisyesterday · 02/03/2012 13:25

oh it's a hard situation. having had noisy neighbours in the past i do see the guys point of view..
however, like you say, toddlers cry and it isn't like you're jiust leaving her to it and there is not much else that you can do

if you can face it i would actually go round and see the guy. it's easy to bang on a wall while upset in the night , but i reckon if you go round you'll catch him off guard and he may well be nicer face to face.

in terms of lessening the noise he hears... is her room one that joins onto his? if so could you swap rooms at all so she is further from him?

what happens in the night? does nothing calm her down at all?

Original poster
newbabynewmum · 02/03/2012 13:43

Thanks everyone.

At the moment nothing seems to make it better in the night, she just gets so cross with everything I try to do to help.

Being a terrace all of the rooms are attached - I took her downstairs last night but really don't want to encourage that all the time.

I dont know if I can manage to go and see him, I hate confrontation. I wouldn't know what to say :( it's rubbish!!

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 02/03/2012 16:15

but if she was in a room adjoining the other neighbours they might not mind so much? maybe

has she always done this or has it started more recently? just wondered if it could be teeth or something? or night terrors?

thisisyesterday · 02/03/2012 16:17

i am the same with confrontation too btw, but if you can work yourself up to it I think it might be better than writing a note.
just say you're really sorry she has been making noise at night but that you're doing everyting you can to minimise it

MrsMcEnroe · 02/03/2012 16:22

I would suggest that you do controlled crying in the middle of the night too

Pop a note throught the neighbour's door explaining that it might be very noisy for a couple of nights, offer to buy them some earplugs etc, then pick a week when you can stomach it and give it a try ....

Waking up in the middle of the night at 17 months old is a learned habit and it is one that can be broken, but it is a painful process.

Sleepless nights are truly awful and you sound heroic to be holding down a job and parenting a non-sleeper single-handed.

HappyJoyful · 02/03/2012 16:26

how awful of the neighbour, don't let them make you feel intimidated. I guess you could say 'sorry' and try and just be polite about it and see if they have any suggestions ? You would hope in the cold light of day most irrational people will prove rational !
We live in small terraced house and have a built in wardrobe down one side of the wall - a great sound insulator, especially as neighbour as same on their side.
I think it's not nice that you are made to feel you have to creep around and go downstairs etc.
Our dd is a bit younger and I always do 'panic' a bit in night / early am when she wakes crying as don't want to disturb neighbours, but sometimes I realise my 'panic' stress can rub off on her and then it is harder to get her back to sleep.

MarquiseOfMelburnia · 02/03/2012 16:27

You can do it, OP. If the neighbour's a passive-aggressive wall-banging type then he might just start muttering at a note pushed through the door. I'm not saying you don't have good intentions but I think a face to face chat, if you can muster the courage, will take that stress out of the equation somewhat.

You will still have a crying baby on your hands most nights (I so hope not for much longer!) but at least he will know you're doing all you can, which you are.

Good luck :)

ItsOnlyAQuestion · 02/03/2012 16:31

Ask the GP for advice :)

Your neighbour is being vile.

WibblyBibble · 02/03/2012 16:39

I have taken up co-sleeping in a similar situation (neighbours not too bothered and really I wouldn't care too much about them as they play local radio at top volume throughout the evening), because it worked (somewhat) for us. I think really all you can do is whatever works, in this situation, and don't listen to the more fortunate people who've always had a partner around to help and a detached house about how you're 'making a rod for your own back' and suchlike nonsense. I also gave up even the mildest form of controlled crying in the evening as it ended up making dd more stressed and slower to go to sleep (think it only works if you have very weak-willed children, mine will 'happily' shout 'mummy' alternated with crying for up to 2 hours, as well as getting up etc.), and me just more stressed. If it works for you then continue with it but if it doesn't then it's not something that is to be valued for its own sake, despite what health visitors may tell you. A pragmatic approach that values your mental health is ultimately going to be better for you and your neighbour, as well as your child.

hippysair · 02/03/2012 16:39

Fucking twat! Not you OP, your neighbour! Surely they've noticed you live on your own. Do they think you're some kind of insomniac sadist, who likes to be up all night hearing their child cry? I would post a note, and some ear plugs too. You have got enough on your plate, without their stress on you too.

Original poster
newbabynewmum · 02/03/2012 17:31

Thank you all. I will hopefully get slightly more sleep then muster the courage to go & speak to him face to face tomorrow. The worst part is feeling intimidated in my own home & worried about tonight. I'll keep you updated. Health visitor might be an idea in the future - I have no time until easter holidays (I'm a teacher) but may do that to find a permanent sleep solution.

OP posts:
MNHQ
HelenMumsnet · 02/03/2012 18:12

Hello. We're going to move this to our Sleep topic now.

Original poster
newbabynewmum · 02/03/2012 19:15

Ok. So any help in sleep for me?

She wakes up & point blank refuses to lie back down, screams, pushes etc. she is definitely awake though - not night terrors... Thank you in advance x

OP posts:
skandi1 · 02/03/2012 19:35

You are doing everything you can! Some children are fab sleepers and others just not. I have one fab (DD) sleeper and one fairly awful sleeper (DS). I have treated them exactly the same so parenting isn't always the issue.

As you DD heads towards age of 2, it will become easier to negotiate her into bed.

Could you try reading her stories in bed instead of tv just before bed?? Calms them down at least a little.

Do not feel bad about the neighbour. You could try to break the ice and be helpful at the same time by giving him some earplug.

Doesn't matter where you live, there is noise. Some times it's next doors dog barking. We currently have wailing foxes at 3 am and being in London I can't do anything about it. Car alarms shop alarms drunk people etc etc.

Some years ago I lived in marylebone in central London. And it was noisy. It was a flat and the immediate neighbours had a baby with colic. It was noisy but mostly heartbreaking when she cried and cried in the night. Far worse were shop or office alarms that would go all night or all weekend as police won't switch them off unless there is sign of break in.

Your neighbour is being cruel shouting at you and banging on the walls. Perhaps you could explain to him that his banging and shouting makes you nervous and so makes your DD scream more and more likely to play up and scream at bedtime??

omama · 02/03/2012 20:03

OP - what is your daytime routine? Wake up time, naptimes & durations & bedtime?

Is she teething atm? ANy signs of illness?

Does she settle to sleep independently at both naps & BT or does she need a bit of help from you i.e. fed/cuddled/rocked to sleep.

Just wondering whether the answers to these may shed some light.

As for your neighbour - agree with pp's he is being unreasonable. I too would try & speak to him & explain you are doing what you can.

xx

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