How long would you leave your baby to cry at night?

[spewgloriousspew]

Our 9 1/2 month old gets to sleep ok, then wakes up after a couple of hours and that's it. He will scream and scream until we come and soothe him by picking him up. It's only the past week that he's been like this, but husband and I are now at breaking point - we've barely slept past midnight for the last week. I'm on the verge of tears most of the day as I'm just so tired.

We've tried controlled crying - 10 mins, then increasing it by a couple of mins up to 20 minutes. But it's not making a jot of difference.

I want to leave him to cry it out, but am aware that others think this is a bad idea. So, please don't judge me. I'll be in bed, probably crying while he does it, but I just can't take much more.

But, if you have left your baby to cry, how long did it take? Is there any point at which you do go in?

Personally I never left my DC to cry at all. They did end up in my bed quite a bit, though.

He's been like this for just a week? Could he be teething? Or has he suddenly become more mobile? It's hell not getting enough sleep isn't it?

With my son I did once try to just leave him but really it just got us both distressed so we tried a few more gentle methods such as pick up put down and they did work to some degree, they needed repeating every few months though.

This time round I just tend to humour her, pick her up, cuddle her in, even sleep with her and I get more sleep than the last time plus it seems to all go back to normal faster. Good luck whatever you decide to, parenting is rarely easy.

Thanks, both.

We've tried co-sleeping, but if we try and move him back to his bed (or even move about), he starts screaming again.

His first two teeth have just come through, but no amount of calpol/ibuprufen/anbesol seems to do anything.

Am I being mean wanting to let him cry it out? It's just I've heard some parents swear by it. I haven't slept properly for almost 10 years - have had serious sleeping problems (linked in with mental health issues, now on sleeping tablets), so I can cope with poor sleep. But this is no sleep after midnight.

Maybe I'm being harsh, but I just don't know what to do.

I don't leave mine to cry at all.

I think you have to make your own decision about how you feel about it but don't do it just because other people swear by it.

Personally I wouldn't want my DS to be on the other side of a door crying for comfort.

I know how awful lack of sleep is, but I personally wouldn't leave him to cry. 9 months is a really bad time for sleep training anyway, there is a massive sleep regression at that time and it's not their fault they're not able to sleep longer stretches.

We ended up co-sleeping most of the night for almost 3 months, as I was (still am) shattered and also back at work. I am now trying to change things but I can't bear to hear him cry (not in a distressed way, as he does at night), so I am trying gradual withdrawal.

9 months is also very bad for separation anxiety, which can be worse at night, so it might be that your DS really is distressed and needs you? I realise co-sleeping isn't for everyone, and I can't recommend it myself long term, but if it helps you and your baby get more sleep for a while, when you need it most, then why not?

The longest I left mine was 5 hrs. That was after holding him crying for about 6 hrs. He is relentless. So no, I don't think cry it out works for everyone. Parents can swear by it all they like but you check with the babies and they are not all swearing by it at all.

The more I think about it, the more I feel I'm being cruel. I think I'm just going to have to ride it out.

I think he's sleeping at the moment, but he keeps whinging from time to time. Either way, I'm a bit calmer having had 5 minutes to myself.

I'm going to try and nab one of the staff at our children's centre for a chat this pm. Just talking about makes a hell of a difference, even with people on MN that you've never met.

Thanks again for your opinions and taking the time to reply.

X-posted with you. When I say co-sleeping, I mean we just put an adult single mattress on the floor in DS' room and DH and I took turns to lie down with him there, so we didn't try to move him after he fell asleep. The advantage is that we can leave him there for a few minutes in the middle of the night if needed as he can't fall off.

I feel for you OP, but personally I think accepting what is only a developmental stage is better than fighting it. Then you can change things when you're a bit less sleep deprived and have more energy. CIO works in most cases I'm told, but it's too distressing for me. And I really think it's not my baby's fault for waking up at night, so it's not fair to let him become so distressed.

Never left for any length of time, just couldn't. sorry no help to you

I don't think you're being cruel, you only considered it, sleep deprivation really is awful. Just a warning though, AFAIK most staff at children's centres and the HVs are pro CC/CIO, but just go with your instinct, if you feel it's wrong to let him cry this is for a reason, they're not meant to cry for so long in the middle of the night, not at 9 months. Good luck!

It could be separation anxiety? In which case I would stay him with as you need to assure them you will come back (I tried and failed with CC and no longer want to leave my 10 mo DD to cry but I understand why you want to try it)

Separation anxiety stopped my DD self settling for a few weeks but just these last few days she has started settling by herself again (she too wakes up in night crying for me - she still doesn't always know i'm coming back when she is in that half asleep state) a problem made worse by the fact we co sleep from 10/11. I hope you get more sleep soon. I've often found that just as you can't take anymore you get a half decent night and feel loads better for it.

Our dd is 7.5 months and a couple of weeks ago we tried sleep training and we're now in week 3 and she is sleeping from 7.30 til 6.45 ish. it wasn't a very pleasant experience and it took 3 days to crack it. The first night we put her in her cot awake after her bottle and said night night to her and she cried as she's always done when we put her down to sleep. We stood outside her door for 5 mins then I went in, put my hand on her chest, put her dummy back in and said night night again, we did this on and off for 28 mins (checking book!) and the crying became more of a shout and at no time were there any tears, it was bloody hard to do, but had decided to persevere with it to help her get a better nights sleep, she then slept until 4am which hasn't happened since week 21, she then cried for 8 mins and went back to sleep til 6.30 when we got up. the next night we did it for 17 mins again going in about every 5 mins, and she slept til 6.45, the next night was 5 mins but she woke at 5.30 and wouldn't go back to sleep in the cot, so I sat in the chair in her room with her and had a nap together til 7.00 when OH got up for work!

Since then she goes down awake, and has pretty much slept til 6.45 ish, the good thing is she is waking in the night but she's able to settle herself back to sleep, we also had a bad night on Saturday when she woke up about 1ish with a coughing fit and she wouldn't settle so came in with us for the rest of the night, but it was only one night, and she's gone back in her cot no problem since.

As posters above say it's not for everyone, but we were ready for it. I'm sure we'll have illnesses and teething where she'll need a cuddle or to sleep in with us, but we're taking it one night at a time. HTH

I never left either of mine for more than 10mins which is long enough to work out if they were really crying or just whinging. Both have been great sleepers generally though so if they were crying there was usually a reason.

Can you and dh take turns in getting up while the other sleeps ( with earplugs if needed!)

We did on occasion resort to doing the bedtime routine again although without a bath. So stories, milk, lullaby music etc - that worked quite well.

Hope you crack it soon

Any chance he is hungry?

I have cc'd (well sort of) if dd2 has been whinging. However, if really crying I find it doesn't work as they just get more and more het up. Particularly if he is in pain due to his teeth I don't think you should leave him.

If it was me I would co sleep for couple of nights and see if it eases itself.

The longest was about an hour maybe. It took about 5 days. DS did not like us going in and out of the room (it made it worse actually) so we had to let him CIO. Yes it was tough but DH were united in thinking it was for the best (we were all tired, DS included). Just to make sure he was not in pain, we gave him Calpol before bed.
Consistency is key though. I don't think I was being cruel/mean especially when I saw how much better rested he was in the day. But loadsa people don't think that way and will make you feel like a terrible parent who will create irreparably damage your child if you let him/her cry.
Good luck, it's not easy to know what the right think is and in fact there can be more than one right thing IYSWIM.

Controlled crying worked for us. I found it so hard that I paid a sleep consultant to do it. She would go in and shush but NEVER pick-up. So there was lengthy crying but not a sense of abandonment. It worked amazingly for both my DDs. One took two nights, the other three. They went from regular wakers to sleeping through the night.

I don't see it as cruel. In fact I think that teaching your child to be a good sleeper is a huge gift to them. It's a gift to you too. And it makes you a better parent as you are rested.

MN is very anti controlled crying but done consistently it will work for the vast majority of children.

I've only ever done CIO once & that was on the advice of my HV when my DS was only 3 months old. I didn't really want to do it but felt pressured into it during a home visit (as I'd asked for help) & I sat downstairs & sobbed while he screamed & screamed upstairs until he went to sleep. I have never ever done it since & I later learned that even the experts don't recommend CC/CIO for babies under 6 months.

I think it can be used as a tool for sleep training babies who have developed the wrong sleep associations eg. being fed/cuddled/rocked to sleep, and in this situation then yes, it is beneficial for both parent & child in the long run.

BUT IMO CC/CIO shouldn't be used when the reason for crying at night is unknown, especially not if it has come out of the blue & he has previously slept well. Like pp's have said, particularly if he may be in pain, it just isn't fair.

We did CIO at 6.5 months because I was ill with lack of sleep. (Shingles, mastitis, inability to drive). Worked brilliantly. Followed the Richard Ferber book. DS stays in bed all night every night now. He's nearly 10 months.

Actually, there was one night in January when he started crying and did not calm down at all - he hadn't lost his comforter toy/didn't have a dirty nappy/wasn't thirsty or hungry. That night I took him out and cuddled him (as it was so out of character and unexplained). It took him a long time of cuddling to calm down and he kept looking over at the corner of the room. I honestly think he'd had a bad dream.

Is he actually awake when he's crying? Have you looked up night terrors? 9.5 months would be early for them to start but not unheard of.

I know this will be an unpopular statement for those who think CC is ok but I am genuinely amazed to read that people pay other people to do it for them and that some people give calpol to their kids before doing it. Blimey.

OP, if this has only been happening for a week, I'd be looking for a reason- teething, ear infection? How has he been in the daytime?

Personally I would just wait it out, and co-sleep in the meantime (don't try to move him, get him to sleep in a safe position and then stay). If you do want to try CIO, that has to be your choice but I would make sure that he isn't in pain or something first.

In fact I think that teaching your child to be a good sleeper is a huge gift to them. It's a gift to you too.

Babies are meant to wake up regularly throughout the night, for their own survival. You can teach your child to be a good sleeper, once they are no longer a small, vulnerable, maybe even hungry baby, and can do it an in a much more gentle way without involving CC or CIO.

I'm just utterly gobsmacked at some of these posts.

FWIW, I've never left either of my DCs crying for me in the night. Goes against all my parental instincts.

choceyes, I think that's great for you, and really happy that you've never had to resort to leaving your child crying. But every person copes differently-I've had to leave DS crying on occasions (over the age of 6 months I hasten to add) where I have been so shattered due to his waking every 45mins-1 hr nightly FOR MONTHS that I physically didn't have the energy to tend to him. And he did stop crying after 10 minutes, and no I don't think he hates me for it. He's an adorable, smart, alert and lovable little button who will, at the age of almost 1, at least go for a few hours at night without waking, leaving me to get a semblence of a night's sleep. Long-term sleep deprivation is soul destroying (it's actually used as a form of torture on suspected terrorists), and I'd rather much rather leave my child to cry for a few minutes, than be forced to pick them up resenting them. No judgey pants please.

ebmummy - that is a lot of waking up actually! I'd probably have been temped to leave mine crying if they were up that frequently. Mine aren't good at sleeping through the night, my 18 month old has never slept through the night, but she doesn't wake up quite so frequently! Sorry if I was being judgemental.

some people give calpol to their kids before doing it
That would be me then?
Well, I rest my case when I say some people will make you feel shit about it.

choceyes, sorry for sounding like a bitch cow. Especially hard morning-trying to get ds down for a nap (he usually whimpers for a few minutes-I mean literally less than 2 minutes), and MIL accusing me of 'letting him cry' which might turn him into 'paedophile'. I kid you not. This after a night where DS was up every 2.5 hours..

I guess letting him cry has worked on and off for me. It's definitely stopped him getting up so often at night, but I feel sometimes he's doing it to take the piss cos he knows someone's going to go running to him. It's this habit I'm trying to break.

xx