My 12yr old suddenly won't sleep alone in his room

[Phi40]

I have joined MN this morning to see if anyone can help with suggestions.
My 12yr old DS has always had trouble falling asleep alone. My DH has this routine where he lies with him in his bed until he falls asleep. Often DS wakes up during the night and then one of us has to go to his bed and lie with him till he falls back to sleep.
My DH gets home from work at bedtime so this is his time to spend chatting and catching up. However, DH is under a ton of pressure at work and doesn't feel up to spending this time (sometimes an hour or so a night) every night and has been getting impatient and wanting DS to fall asleep after just a brief cuddle.
For 2 nights this week DS has slept in my bed and last night I slept with him in his because he got so hysterical at the thought of having to fall asleep alone that he was almost vomiting.
My DH is on a short fuse at the moment and I am sure DS is picking up on this and clinging but I just don't know how to get DS to settle quickly alone and defuse DH so bedtime is relaxing and not stressful for the whole family.
Thoughts and/or suggestions anyone?

hmm it would appear, if he has always been like this, that he has simply never learned to be able to settle to sleep by himself.
he's old enough to understand though, that you don't always have the time to spend literally lying with him in bed isn't he?

if it was me i would be trying to introduce new sleep cues, and helping him learn to sleep alone... as he gets older this will become more of an issue won't it?

has he never slept elsewhere? with family? with friends? how did that go?

you need to sit down with him and ask him what, exactly, it is that he is worried about and then work from there.
You could then try and kind of gradual withdrawal method which at his age should really work quite quickly and you could do is less dgradually than you would with a younger child.
so I would go in, do stories or whatever or have your chat with him. then you say right DS, you are safe in here, you are ok, i need to put some laundry away but I will be just upstairs and I'll call out to you while I do it.
then you go and do your laundry and put it away, make noise so he knows you are there etc etc

then just make the time you are away longer and longer

If I'm honest, I feel like this is a problem created by DH and his work-a-holic tendencies as he really only gets to see the kids at bedtime. However, that said, I can't sort DH out - I have tried - he is so pig-headed about this, refusing to see HE is the underlying cause. This morning, although i know DS was exhausted, I woke him up, so that he would be tired tonight, just as i would have done when he napped too late in the afternoon as a toddler.
DS says he is scared of waking up alone, I know he is scared of the dark and he sill has a night light.
He is absolutely fine on sleepovers as all kids are in the same room. He also is fine if his older brother sleeps in his room, he just doesn't want to be alone.

well, what if you had a light on in the hallway as well, so that if he wakes up and is scared he can come in and find you?

The hall is actually quite light and he does come and find me - but that is the behaviour I want to try and stop.

can you get a set of those baby monitors out and use them instead so that he knows that you can hear him? This may help him if he is afraid of going to sleep on his own. and then you can get him to swtch off the monitor for few seconds and gradually build it up so that he can sleep without the monitor.

hmm so he is used to waking alone and coming and finding you?

do you then return him to his own bed? if not then start doing that.

if you do, then I have to say I'd be getting a bit tougher. i mean, only you can say whether or not you think he is genuinely afraid, or whether it is just a habit that needs to be broken?

I'd be tempted to offer him a reward for not coming in though (and I am totally NOT a reward/sticker chart type of a person)
pick a treat you think he'd like and he gets it if he stays in bed all week or something.
He is old enough to know that nothing is going to happen if he wakes in the night, it's really just a matter of whether you think it's habit or if he honestly is scared of being alone.

maybe you could sit down with him, and your husband and do a bit of problem solving together. you get to say your bit (ie, it's tiring, he's getting older, you don't have the time etc etc) and he gets to say his bit.
he can then help think up things that could help him not be afraid and if there are specific concerns you can address them. Then once you've figured out ways to help him not be scared by himself you introduce the idea of a treat if he stays in bed all week?

hi, your op says he suddenly won't sleep alone in his room, but this has been happening since, well forever. whats the difference now, or am i not getting what you mean?

what are the main issues with your dh, is it because he would always go in to see him after he came home form work, and your son has 'learnt' that this is what happens??

Have you considered a chat with the doctor?
12 is very old to be doing this......is he an anxious boy?
Does your dh spend time with him at the weekend?

What great and useful comments Thank you everyone whose taken some time.
What I meant by 'suddenly' is that he doesn't want my husband to leave or asks for me to come through and can't fall asleep as he is predicting he is going to be alone and wake up alone during the night. Getting hysterically upset about it is a new development which really worried my last night.

I think I am going to take the advice of asking him later this evening what I can do to make him feel safe about sleeping alone. I have tried this but really only when he is already distraught. So I will try a pre-emptive conversation well before attempted bedtime.
I hesitate to go to the GP because I think it's behavioural and I don't want to medicate him.
I've thought today about letting him listen to an audio book because that might help him to feel like he has company. Any thoughts about that?

It sounds like the issue is that he is worried about what is going to happen, and it sounds like there have been some inconsistencies.

He is 12, so barring SN will have good comprehension.

I would try saying 'yes, DS, when you wake up, you WILL be alone. BUT as soon as you wake, you can call me, and I promise I will come STRAIGHT through to see you.'

They say that the reason babies and toddlers can't self-settle during the night, is because the parent is there when they fall asleep, then gone when they wake.

So, you could start by agreeing with your DS that you WILL go straight through, day or night, when he calls you.

Then, once that is consistent, you move to saying 'yes, you WILL be alone when you wake, but I PROMISE that 1 minute after you call, I will come straight through.'

Then, perhaps, 5 minutes...

Then I suspect that one morning, he just won't call.

Also, give him a proper light, so that if he wakes, he can read a book, etc.

audio book sounds good. making his room a haven is perhaps a way?

poss too old for a den, but making a it a sort of chill out room? beanbag and things.

is he having problems in school? has he undergone any changes with family, bereavement, friends falling out? bad dreams?

i have always found with my 9 yr old that it was one of these, as she is also a very sensitive girl.

He did have a falling out with his BF just a couple of days before school ended. DS tried to make up but the friend was having none of it. Could that be contributing to feeling like the world is an unsafe place?
His room is very small but cosy and he seems to like it, chose the colour, light-fitting etc.
Both mine are not allowed to turn their lights on if they wake up as it wakes DH up.
But I think I am beginning to understand that we've done so many things wrong on this bedtime routine - so tonight I will tell him if he wakes up he can turn on his reading light and read for awhile and if still needs me, can call me and I will sit with him for 10 minutes, then return to my own bed.
I will download an audio book onto his i-touch for him as well. Any recommendations (I'm assuming one can download them? I don't have an i-touch myself) Nothing scary obviously

I suggested the dr as maybe he needed some help with anxiety ie talking to someone. Definitely not medicate him!!!!!!
I have an anxious dd 15 and we have to be very firm with her aout it and not "pander".

the holidays is the perfect time to sort this out - your ds needs to learn the skill of getting to sleep alone.

Can you be in the next door room with the doors open while he goes to sleep as an interim step?

well falling out with his best friend is a biggy. also, i think he must be able to have a light he can turn on, whatever your dh says. you can get weak bulbs.

I think there is a lady called Christianne kerr who does calming meditative stories intended for children to go to sleep to. Not sure what age they are for, have a look on amazon.

Thanks - I've downloaded The Waterhorse by Dick King-Smith - I hope it's not a weepy. Spoke to DS and he is NOT happy about my new plans, but that's to be expected. We've agreed he can turn on his reading light whenever he needs to and i will sit with him for 10 minutes and read our normal stories then he can listen to the audio story for an hour, I will come back in for another 10 minutes after that and hopefully he will be asleep.
What's the thinking on milky drinks - I've read somewhere they can be a sleep aid?

I just listened to a sample from Christine Kerr - beautiful, think I will get that too - DH can listen to it!

I would make sure he is very physically tired before starting it. so lots of exercise each day whilst he is trying to get himself off to sleep.

Also no screen time for at least 2 or 3 hours before bed

the dad issue and the recent best friend issue seem to have rejection anxiety in connection to me.

and maybe being alone is the ultimate rejection anxiety.

i think you need some professional help with this. 12 is unusually old for this kind of thing. i'm gonna go do some googling because this is ringing some bells with some stuff i trained in.

scan this it does seem fear of being alone, fear of rejection and issues around attachment are very interconnected. will look what else i can find. not saying the above is a great resource by the way - just a starting point for thinking.

(obviously ignore the latter stuff which is about adults and intimate relationships but the early bits on rejection as fear of being alone or as negative feedback on yourself etc seems relevant - also the idea that if one lacks faith in one's ability to create happiness/well being alone then that needs to be built up).

At 12 I would be seeking some input from CAMHS to help resolve this anxiety. It is very unusual to have this sort of nighttime routine at that age.

bit of a long link but look further down the page and there is a list of what are considered normal fears at different ages and what can trigger or heighten anxieties. also a bit on what is normal fears and what is something more. it's looking at separation anxiety disorder and overanxious disorder in children - not saying your son would qualify for either but it is a useful read i think.