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Original poster

Accidentally cried it out :((((

47 replies

MacMomo · 13/09/2011 22:14

Didn't realise monitor was on mute. DD is an awful sleeper and lately has screamed when put down and if I stay with her she alternates crying and giggling, won't sleep even if I turn my back but stay in view. She's 8 months, EBF and I'm utterly horrified - I was smugly thinking how well we were doing tonight.

I went up to bed and found her face down, passed out in the corner of her cot, dummy on floor - then checked the monitor. Oh god, she probably cried for at least an hour, maybe 90 mins. How do I forgive myself and what do I do tomorrow night - should I actually do cry it out now we've got past the first awful night? (dh works away during week; can't face telling him what happened).

OP posts:
DeepLeafEverything · 13/09/2011 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 13/09/2011 22:18

Even on mute some monitors squeal if the sound goes above a certain level - perhaps there was just a small amount of grizzling followed snoring - ds always ends up with dummy somewhere else and flat on his face Hmm little odd ball that he can be Grin

Original poster
MacMomo · 13/09/2011 22:27

So am I, she screams so loudly I have to use earplugs to cuddle her when she's really worked up. I had the news on, but not that loud. Yes, it's a very solidly build old house. I really didn't want to do CIO but - now we might have started, do I keep going? She seems fast asleep. But - she's too young for sleep training, surely. And I can't bear to hear her cry, ever.

But then again - nothing we've tried has worked yet, and I'm exhausted and going back to work soon. She simply won't sleep before 10-11pm then feeds hourly all night. I'm desperate but...I dont know what to do!

OP posts:
Original poster
MacMomo · 13/09/2011 22:55

Have decided - I won't repeat it. It was an accident, a one off and I just hope she didn't cry for long. I feel so guilty I know i couldn't do it to her tomorrow night. Poor little thing :( I really feel awful.

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madrush · 13/09/2011 23:00

we my mean brave dh used controlled crying on our dd at about that age. I was like you sound before he took control and really was too tired to think straight. It varies of course, but our dd cried for 45 mins first night, 30 second and has always gone to bed without any trouble at all ever since (7 years ago!).

Please reconsider for the sake of your sanity. You've done the worst and you were alone, she's fine. Hopefully you'll get a good night's sleep and feel well rested tomorrow and can try again. Good luck, your dd needs a sane, rested and happy mummy more than a few mins crying will bother her.

Original poster
MacMomo · 14/09/2011 01:07

Wow - 7 yrs of hassle free sleep! madrush do you mind me asking if you bf or ff? If bf, did you continue to night feed after CIO? Just fed again, still every 2 hrs. She seems a little more grizzly than normal.

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cheekyginger · 14/09/2011 09:49

My LO is FF so it might be different.

Think madrush is right. You need to think about your well being too.
Do you really want to be feeding every 2 hrs at night once you are back at work? Need to deal with it now before you have to deal with work as well. An 8 mo does NOT need to be fed every 2 hours. Sounds like you are getting used as a comforter. Have you tried a dummy. She might be too old to take one now.

Do you remember crying as a baby? I dont, but my dad has the pleasure of telling me i was left to cry at times. It really wont do her any long term damage as long as she has lots of attention and interaction during the day. Controlled crying is not recommended before 6 months so read up about it and go for it...

Whatever you do, you and DH have to decide a strategy together and stick with it.

Good luck

GloriaVanderbilt · 14/09/2011 09:56

No don't do it again fgs. You risk totally destroying her trust.

Please don't even consider it. Just put it down to a mistake, we all have them, they happen and you didn't intend it/

PLEASE do your best to repair any damage caused by making sure you go to her straight away from now on

GloriaVanderbilt · 14/09/2011 09:57

and CC is VERY different to CIO which personally I find abhorrent.

Please don't confuse the two. Yes 8 months is too young.

she needs you, that's why she cries, she's not old enough to be manipulative and if she needed to be manipulating you into coming to her something would be wrong anyway

just trust your instincts

GloriaVanderbilt · 14/09/2011 09:59

have never done ANY sleep training of any sort and mine sleep really well, they always have tbh but I had them in my bed with me for a few years anyway which sorted it straight away...

not that that's necessary but you really don't need to train them to sleep. They will do it when they are ready

TheNationalTruss · 14/09/2011 10:01

I think your instincts are probably telling you all you need to know. It feels wrong for a reason perhaps.

In the first 12 months of a baby's life, their sleep patterns change all the time according to their needs at the time. Particularly during a growth or developmental spurt, you find their ability to achieve good sleep is affected. This is a developmental norm.

I'm not saying don't tackle it because every member of a household should feel as well and rested as they possibly can. But cio or cc are not the only ways. I always reminded myself of two things. One, did I want to teach dd the joy of good, restful happy sleep or did I want to teach her to give up because I wasn't responding? Two, is it easier to change what I'm doing (a fully informed and adaptable adult) than mess with the developmental norms of a dependent baby?

Have you read any books? Tried other methods? Asked on here for advice?

TheNationalTruss · 14/09/2011 10:02

Oh and I should have said, don't be so hard on yourself. You didn't mute the monitor on purpose. It was a mistake and there's every chance she actually fell asleep quickly and happily. Lots and lots of cuddles for both of you.

GloriaVanderbilt · 14/09/2011 10:03

totally agree...and it's totally natural for babies not to go to sleep easily right from the start. Honestly - it doesn't mean she'll be keeping you awake for like, the next ten years or something unless you do something NOW

it's a baby

they cry

I mean we panic so easily thanks to the stupid 'sleep training experts' and their ridiculous standards (your baby will sleep OR ELSE) and feel we are failing if ours don't

it's stupid, it makes me so cross. Babies just DO this, it's normal, they grow out of it!

piprabbit · 14/09/2011 10:04

I suspect that your baby only cried for a very short time before falling asleep.
I'm sure you would have noticed something if she had been crying loud enough for ear plugs for an hour.
After all generations of families have (and still do) manage quite will without monitors, because they hear the baby anyway.

I wouldn't try CIO as you obviously feel uncomfortable with it - but how about actually stepping out of sight (rather than just turning you back but staying in view) for a few moments to see how she reacts, then go back in a settle if necessary - more along the lines of CC.

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 14/09/2011 10:09

You don't know how long she cried for, if she's fed well since then it hasn't done her any harm especially if she's slept well in between. But blimey, hourly or 2 hourly feeds at 8 months! That's a lot, and she shouldn't actually need feeding that much during the night unless she's having a growth spurt.
I bf dd until she was a year, she was going 10-6 from 6 weeks but going to bed at 7ish and the 10pm feed was a dream feed.
Is she having a good tea? Could it be that she needs more food for her tea/dinner to help see her through for a bit longer?

Now you've done the first night, it could be that if you do controlled crying with her from now on she'll settle faster. It's all down to how you feel about it. Don't feel bad though, babies are resilient little things and a bit of crying isn't going to traumatise them for life, or reduce their trust in you.

GloriaVanderbilt · 14/09/2011 10:16

Mine both were still feeding a fair few times at night at that age but then they weren't interested in food very much.

All babies are different.

TheNationalTruss · 14/09/2011 10:28

DD fed that frequently at that age. And she needed it. There's no 'should' about it. DS is a tiny 11 days old and he feeds twice in the night and has done since birth. They could not be more different.

GloriaVanderbilt · 14/09/2011 10:33

congratulations darling Grin

GloriaVanderbilt · 14/09/2011 10:33

it is you isn't it

ShowOfHands · 14/09/2011 10:40

Ta-da!

Linky linky

madrush · 14/09/2011 10:48

Sorry didn't check again last night. My dd was ebf to 1 year, but I don't think I can have been feeding her during the night then, maybe a dream feed at 10pm ish at most. Although I did often feed her to sleep.

Every 2 hours sounds exhausting and really not necessary for nutrition at that age. Maybe you can find a gentle routine that you can try to encourage to shift the feeding to daytime rather than night? Mind you, in those olden days we had to wean at 4 months (although I resisted until she had her first tooth and was sitting up which was 5 months - don't tell my old hv).

I think it's possible to get obsessed with a first (any?) baby and put them before everything including yourself and your relationship. Babies are wonderful and you want to nurture and care for them perfectly. But don't lose perspective on what you need too. Babies are pretty resilient and don't need a perfect upbringing at massive detriment to you. Personally (as you can tell) I think we've swung too far towards considering babies needs and understating the impact of that on parents, especially mothers.

I put myself under enormous pressure with my pfb who would only sleep for 45 min stretches at one point, at which point I'd jump up and attend to her every need. When dh took charge of night time sleeping, I could rest enough to see that I was crazy to think I could carry on like that for much longer. Sleep deprivation does strange things to you. Sorting out the sleep let me be the adult who made decisions based on what was best for our family rather than just the baby.

I really wish you best for whatever you decide tonight.

My wonderful dd's don't seem damaged in any way by having a few longish cries in a few nights many years ago. I suspect that the many good nights of sleep and wonderful times as a family count for more in the long run. And they still love their mummy :)

GloriaVanderbilt · 14/09/2011 10:54

SHOWYYY!!!!!!!! GrinGrin (sorry for massive unavoidable hijack btw) Blush we'll get a room now...

Original poster
MacMomo · 14/09/2011 11:01

Thanks for helping me feel a little less bad. I am totally exhausted today - she woke at 4 and wouldn't sleep again until after 5 then got up for the day at 6.30.

Lately, she cries when put down in the evening, howls when I even put her down in the cot (except for daytime naps), screams if I leave for a wee. I have been leaving my phone on speaker phone with my my mum talking to her while I get my dinner to eat sitting in my bed which is next to her cot. That can't be normal. Then although I stay (but don't pick her up) she rolls around trying to get to me, banging her head trying to get out etc. If I take her out to try to cuddle her to soothe her, she rolls over and wants to play. So - she doesn't sleep whether I stay or go (although last night she slept after an unknown amount of crying). Can't think clearly any more!

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GloriaVanderbilt · 14/09/2011 11:05

Oh pet. It's TOTALLY normal!!! 8/9 months is the classic age for separation anxiety to be at its height.

This is well documented. It will pass, believe me, it will.

In the meantime try your best to reassure her and definitely don't try any crying methods at the moment.

She is just being a by-the-book baby Smile

most of us have found ourselves sitting on the loo with a 9mo baby at our feet clinging to our ankles

as for answering the phone, forget it Smile

it's just what they do

GloriaVanderbilt · 14/09/2011 11:07

I mean, you will be at her beck and call for a few weeks perhaps, but not forever.

You are already doing a brilliant job.