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Original poster

Do husbands really understand how hard it can be?

29 replies

jubblicious · 10/03/2011 11:41

My DS is 14weeks and as much as I love him, the lack of sleep on some days is driving me mad!

DH used to help without me having to ask but it seems like the novelty has worn off.

Our arguements are now because I'm so tired from staying up with DS all night as he isnt sleeping at the moment, I don't have the energy to go our during the day. DH thinks its me being anti social or letting DS control my life. But he doesn't understand how tiring it can be.

He gets to go to work, have a decent night sleep, get time to eat and shower without worrying.

I'm tired. So shoot me down if I dont have the energy or inclination to be all jolly and all engines on fire.

It just feel like it's all on top of me. I haven't had a few hours to myself since DS was born. Is it just me?

OP posts:
ceebs05 · 10/03/2011 11:54

No it's not just you - I can understand how you feel. My DH does his best to help out but when it comes down to it you can't really appreciate how all consuming it gets being the one who is with the baby all day and night unless you experience it.

gummymum · 10/03/2011 11:59

I agree - no matter how 'helpful' they are, they don't have to think about when they can go to the loo!! I can't wait to go back to work when DD is 23 weeks - DH is staying at home to look after her!!!!!
Oh how I will crow!!! Grin

RitaMorgan · 10/03/2011 12:04

Are you breastfeeding? Can your DH do the nightshift on Friday and Saturday nights, or at least give you a lie-in at the weekend?

plasticspoon · 10/03/2011 13:28

They have no idea how hard it is, especially if you are bf'ing. The buck stops with you! :(

Ladylay · 10/03/2011 14:11

I agree 3. Even if you're past BF'ing, I still cant shower, toilet or make a cuppa alone.

DP helps out but what gets me is the planning side of it- he gives no thought to what shes going to eat, wear or need to take places. I'm expected to think of everything even if its their outing!

I dont think they ever understand. Would love to put him in that position gummymum, have a crow for me!!

CharlotteBronteSaurus · 10/03/2011 14:14

we had this conversation yesterday, when DH disappeared off for a Luxury Poo (a Luxury Poo takes place at a time of one's own choosing, alone, with the door shut, with reading material, and lasts for 10-20mins) while i was left pinned to the sofa by 18 week EBF dd2. I cannot remember the last time I had a Luxury Poo .

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 10/03/2011 14:21

no they don't understand until you bugger off for the weekend and leave them to it.

I did this when ds was 10 months old (well, actually only for about 28 hours in total) and came back to an ashenfaced, baggy eyed DH who admitted "i had no idea, sorry". Not sure who was more pleased to see me back - DH or DS!

Best thing i did in terms of getting DH to understand. Might be too early for you to feel able to leave your ds just yet, but bear it in mind!! Wink

slim22 · 10/03/2011 14:25

they just don't get it. the sheer exhaustion day in day out. the lack of personal space.

I had a glimmer of hope at some point when both DCs got sick on holiday and puked and whinged relentlessly for 3 days. DH was haggard at the end of the episode.

Quickly forgotten though.

Ballarat · 10/03/2011 14:27

The tiredness is a killer but he should be supporting you.
I would express in anticipation of Friday and sat nights when I would sleep in the spare room and my DH would do the night feeds. It made such a huge difference to be able to recharge.

Tbh, even through the week he would often sit up with me whilst I fed and rub my back-although he often fell back asleep doing it and I needed to shake him off! Grin But then, DH caught the train to work so didn't need to drive.

However, drive or not, the Fri and Sat night thing should be a given, surely? At least one of them.

Oh and you're not alone. It is utterly shattering.

matana · 10/03/2011 14:30

DH is helpful and supportive but i had to laugh when he woke yesterday from an uninterrupted, all night sleep (DS is BFing) wearing earplugs, complaining that he's tired. Even he smirked at the irony once i pointed out that our DS is going through an unsettled patch and my sleep is all over the place right now!

DS is 15 weeks and over those weeks we have had more rows and bickering than we've had in a long, long time. DH doesn't understand that when you're trying to get a baby into a bit of routine it takes hard work and yes, life slows down temporarily while you do it. This has been at the crux of our arguments: "We can't stop living just because the baby needs 3 naps a day can we??!" Well, no. But it's me who is up with him in the night, picking up the pieces when he gets over tired during the day.

He's finally beginning to understand that there are consequences if we refuse to adapt our lives a little to accommodate a baby. I've never said we'll stop living, but a bit of realism wouldn't go amiss on his part for once!

It's tough on the men i guess though, as it's generally us mums who spend all day every day with our LOs while our husbands/ partners work (until we too go back to work, if that's what we choose). Naturally we know our babies best and what makes them tick and what's going to make them fly into a rage. Men just don't know them as well and I think they know it and can feel quite inadequate. Sad

Scootergrrrl · 10/03/2011 14:34

DS, who is almost one, hasn't slept for more than three hours a time since August. DH wakes up to him maybe once every two days. He proposed last night that we really should try to sort out DS's waking as "it was making him really quite tired". Hmm

Ballarat · 10/03/2011 14:57

I think the best piece of advice I was given when pregnant with my first was to expect my marriage to be tested beyond belief. To expect to argue like never before and to feel the urge to kill my husband when he snores next to me whilst I feed and change in the night.

I think stuff like that should be the crux of parentcraft classes not 5 different ways he can massage my back in labour.

narmada · 10/03/2011 14:58

OH charlottebrontesaurus, your post really made me laugh. For we also have the term 'luxury poo' in our household. How very, very odd. Exactly the same situation - he slopes off for a good 20 minutes with reading material. He doesn't know he's born.

Sorry for thread hijack OP.

Ladylay · 10/03/2011 15:40

Ha @ 'Luxury poo'. DP can disappear for at least half an hour at a time! DD dissolves into door pounding hysterics whenever I dare an attempt to disappearEnvy.

Have never been so jealous over sleep as since she was born. We've had these pathetic tit4tat arguments 'you slept 10 minutes longer this morning therefore you owe me...'.

Thinking about what you touched on matana and I find it so hard to bite my tongue sometimes when I know exactly what she wants but DP isnt quite getting it and its because I know her so much more intimately.Sad Its so hard not to interfere!

WildhoodChunder · 10/03/2011 17:50

It is biology having a larf as well... DH can sleep through all the DC's sleeping grunts and groans, only wakes at full belt screaming, while I wake at the first murmur. Plus the crying - 19wk DS at full wail is like a cheesegrater to my brain, actually hurts me to listen rather than just a 'noise' - doesn't affect DH like that at all. :(

Plus DH has a daily Luxury Poo too... I'll tell him to count himself lucky!

CountBapula · 10/03/2011 18:00

PMSL at 'Luxury Poo'!

Before DS (5.5 mo) came along, DH and I barely exchanged a cross word in five years together. Now we row at least once a fortnight. Mind you, I am lucky with DH - DS was wide awake after both his night feeds last night and DH rocked him back to sleep - both times it took an hour. I do feel bad when he has to go into work on so little sleep, but DS hasn't slept for more than 3 hours in a row (with one or two exceptions) since the New Year and I'm pretty much on my knees at the moment.

ChunkyPickle · 10/03/2011 18:08

DH is great, he really is, but I still know that if I leave them to it, I'll come back to the house in a state, the kitchen looking like the fridge has exploded, and them both sitting on the settee in their underpants watching cartoons.....

I do my best to consider it cute.

Original poster
jubblicious · 10/03/2011 18:24

lol @ luxury poo! I haven't had one of those for ages, nor dinner without DS special radar which knows i'm about to eat and then ALWAYS waskes up!

I am BF, bloody boobs, RitaMorgan, and i do express. He used to help me more on the weekends and when he came back from work, but i think the novelty has worn off!I understand he is tired from being at work, but how hard is it for him to change a nappy without me having to ask!

OP posts:
izpie · 11/03/2011 07:33

luxury shower, luxury cup of coffee etc etc

DH has to commute an hour into work and an hour back on tube/train and thinks he's hard done by, I think 'mmmm, 2 hours of uninterrupted reading/ipod listening, staring mindlessly into space...'

OmicronPersei8 · 11/03/2011 08:15

I recommend the book What Mothers Do: especially when it looks like nothing by Naomi Stadlen. It made me feel a lot better about the sheer amount of time/me I devoted to DD, and also helped with stuff with DH (I seem to remember a chapter called 'snapping at my partner').

Having a baby changes so many things, there's a disparity between the experience of mothers and fathers, especially if breastfeeding and when the man goes back to work. My theory is that we are used to fairly equal relationships and it is a shock that baby care is not an equal thing. There are ways to make it easier, but it takes a while to figure them out. I have no idea if it is helpful to know that second time round it's much less of an issue and it all feels more balanced.

bippyhippy · 11/03/2011 08:29

no, they don't understand. But I don't really think it's their fault. As time goes on it gets easier and after the first year I think duties get shared out a little more equally. Just remember to ask for what you need and be open and honest all of the time. That got us through and we're on baby no.3 now!

Pagwatch · 11/03/2011 08:33

Dh does because he had six months gardening leave and was at home with me, two children and a newborn.
He is bloody marvellous now.

valbona · 11/03/2011 09:23

it's not just you!

if you're up all night settling as well as feeding, then your DH could definitely do his bit. what is his job? I remember reading on mumsnet once that it's fair enough for a brain surgeon to get a full night's sleep, but if somebody has an office job they have to suck up broken nights as well. looking after a baby all day is way way harder than any job I've ever done, and it's hellish on no sleep.

weekends should be when he puts baby in buggy/sling and disappears for 1/2 hours while you lie in a heap on the sofa with TV/book being as unjolly as you want.

Original poster
jubblicious · 11/03/2011 10:11

He's a lawyer. When he tries he can be really good and helpful. But then when he's tired he just forgets. And it gets tiring being up every night till 3/4am while DS decides to sleep. It's feels like since he was born my life has just stopped. Whereas for a man, they can get back to life how it used to be.

I'm sorry for the huge moan. He is a good husband but I'm just fed up, tired and even more tired!

OP posts:
hillee · 11/03/2011 11:14

Oh valbona, I wish you hadn't just said that....

Speaking from experience, it's pretty godawful when your DH actually is an effing neurosurgeon. DD just turned one, I am pregnant with number two, and effectively operate as a single parent. That being said, I have always been realistic about his level of input into looking after our babies. Although, I used to have mini fantasies about him throwing it all in to become an electrician (which is the only other job he wanted to do, all the men in his family are sparkies).

And bless his Irish heart he wants a minimum of four...