Breastfeeding to sleep

[Tatties]

Hello, I am new to mumsnet and am looking for a bit of moral support! My 5mth old ds is a little charmer but is high maintenence and a complete nightmare to get to sleep. In the day I have to rock him in the pram or bf lying down in a darkened room. At night now I bf to sleep as putting him down awake has become increasingly difficult. He is up a good few times every night - not sure whether he is actually hungry but bf usually settles him. I guess I don't really want advice as I think we have tried everything to settle him without a feed, I s'pose I just want a bit of reassurance that I am not alone. Instead of just drifting off to sleep when he is tired he just cries, and I feel like a failure because as his mummy I should just be able to just pick him up and calm him down with a cuddle - but that never happens! Does anyone feel like they are cheating when they bf to calm baby down? I don't know why I feel like that - maybe it's reading too many books like BW & GF that put unnecessary pressure on baby settling himself.. Sorry this is a bit rambling but there's a lot going on in my head at the mo - would love to hear from anyone else who has gone through this or is in the same boat..

Cooperoo, know exactly what you mean about people thinking you're making life harder for yourslf too. I've had, "oh you must be exhausted, if he was on the bottle we could help you out.." I know I do moan about being tired & being up in the night, and as much as I'd love a good night's sleep, I can cope with the situation and I wouldn't have it any other way because I don't want anyone else seeing to ds when he's upset (and because I know it's only the boobies that do it for him!)

my dd is 10 months and i have been going through a lot of the feelings you have discussed. as she is my first, i'm terrified of doing something wrong which might affect her in the future ... even something as basic as sleep.

i was completely breastfeeding dd to sleep up until about 8 months and then, i think more to do with pressure than anything else, i started letting her settle herself. she does still tend to fall asleep during the last feed before bed time (and it seems crazy to wake her) so she occassionally goes in her cot asleep - saying that tho she more often than not wakes up as soon as she is put in.

i really enjoy b/f and want to continue for as long as we are both enjoying it. there's nothing comes close to the feeling of soothing your baba and the closeness. now i'm back at work 3 days a week i really cherish our time together.

we were going to start controlled crying this weekend (this is due to myself and dp being so exhausted). but she has suddenly started to settle herself more.

a friend of mine made a very good point which is worth bearing in mind ... your ds wasnt born with a manual and hasnt read all the books so its a learning curve for the both of you. as long as you are happy with what you are doing - dont listen to the books, listen to your heart - then you cant go wrong!

My DD was exactly the same as your son. I got fed up at times and wished I could just put her in her cot and go and do sometihing for me.But most of the time it was a relief to be able to comfort and sothe her off to sleep by breastfeeding. Only when she was 18 months old did she manage to sleep at night without a feed and a cuddle.

I was exactly the same Tattie. In fact part of me secretly loved the fact that at times I was the only one to be able to settle dd1. It was great to feel so needed and when it worked I really felt I was made to be her mother . I am a bit less so with dd2, but I think partly because I have dd1 to look after as well.
Incidentally it caused no problems with her Daddy who did bathtime and some nappies and lots of cuddles etc to help bond with her and they are incredibly close.
(I should also say my MIL is great in lots of other ways.)
I don't think you can spoil a baby though and they are small for such a short amount of time. I totally agree with you about the influence the books can have. They do have their place but when you are a desperate first time mum they can have a negative impact (at least GF did for me as I took it so literally). If it is any consolation I am finding it much easier with dd2 and able to trust my instincts much more this time. Anyway enough waffling...

Cooperoo I think when people don't give the baby back it's because they want the challenge of domforting it. Grrrrrr! Brings out the animal in me.

Have to agree. I hate to hear a baby crying, it goes right through me, especially my own. Poor MIL had a ds2 who cried ALL the time and so as she said 'don't mind babies crying'. She had had to get used to it. I did though. There was nothing to placate her ds2 (My dh was ds1 and a very easy baby) and so I think she had got used to the idea that babies just cry. Some indeed do, but luckily not mine who seem to be relatively easy to comfort - at least if a boob is involved lol.

Quick question: at what age roughly did your babies stop needing a few short naps in the day and start going for maybe one longer one? I'm thinking it's got to get easier when I only need to get him off to sleep once in the day as opposed to three times!

DD1 dropped the afternoon nap at about 7 months ?? the am nap at 12 months ?? and still has a lunchtime nap now. The lunchtime nap has always been longer than the other two though. HTH a bit.

I haven't managed to read all the messages but would like to share my experience with you Tatties, hope it helps. I absolutely agree that breast feeding to sleep is the most natural and wonderful thing in the world. I also believe that everyone has their own special way of dealing with their own special darling! I followed an "attachment parenting" approach. At this time we were travelling New Zealand for 3 months and staying with familly and freinds in their houses and was embarassed to put ds down in his cot and let him cry. At 9 months old we returned home to europe, so my ds was by this time much older than yours, he wouldn't even touch the sheets without screaming at the thought of seperation, I grew desperate and very tired until eventually one night I put him in his cot and closed the door, it was very hard to do as I'd always been mentally against leaving them to cry, it took about 4 days and eventually he gave up and that was it now he plays in his cot when I put him down and relishes going to bed. I'm not saying this would work for everyone, maybe I was just lucky, but it sure did work for us, good luck and don't forget there is plenty of time for all this your ds is still very young, you will know when the time comes to leave him to cry, if it ever does...

Just wanted to add that I looked up this link as I am in the same situation. DD is 5 1/2 mths old, and I have started to feel guilty for feeding her to sleep because of listening to other mothers, and watching the programmes on TV, and reading the books. If my MIL or own M tells me one moe time that I am just making it harder for us both in the future I think I will explode. DD is our first, and of couse we only want to do what is best for her. Thanks for everyones advise. I do enjoy feeding her to sleep, and will now carry on for the forseeable future without any guilty feelings.

DS has just turned 1, sleeps in his own cot no probs (hated out bed from an early age ).

I've always BF him to sleep. He's really bothered with teething (started at 4mo and has just cut his molars which was a horrible experience) and I found that BF in the middle of the night really helped to settle him. He was awake a lot, I've been exhausted but I'm delighted that he never screamed at night.

I hate it when people say to me, 'he's not hungry, he's just using your boobs for comfort'. And my reply - 'what the hell is wrong with that?!' DS is not a natural self-soother yet (I've tried lodas of things) and I'm pleased there's something that will soothe him.

I picked him up in the middle of the night last week, gazed at his wee face and realised that all this is going to end soon and . He's not going to be a baby for much longer.