Can we ban "Were you the other woman OP?"

[KeepItConstructive]

A lot of the posters who post on the step-parent board are often asked the question "Were you the other woman OP?".

I find this question misogynistic as it is never asked of male posters. It is only ever asked of step mothers.

I feel that this question scares off a lot of step mothers and thus stops them from getting the support and advice that they have come here for.

Basically, can we just ban it? It doesn't add anything constructive to any step-parenting discussion.

Thank you

IMO it is relevant and in my case my father married OW who practically pushed his kids and grandkids out of his life.
Of course, the blame is on him that he fully switched to his wife's kids and grandkids.
Sometimes I think that for him it doesn't make a big difference and grandkids are just kids whether they are yours or not. However, it's mine and my sister kids who are missing out relationships with their grandfather.

How is it misogynistic - shall we ask are you the OtherP?

Seriously it can make a huge difference to the ongoing co parenting and how people feel. And if the OP is /was the OW/OM then they are not innocent and trying to play the victim is offensive.

My ExHs first other partner was the OW - relationship awful and mainly her behaviour - which was abusive alienating and down right unpleasant reflecting her insecurities.

My ExH second partner - is fab, please don't leave him!

The issues with the first were all to do with his unfaithfulness and her insecurities. So yes it is relevant.

Mumsnet hive mind is like some weird version of First Wives club. Ex wives are rarely wrong and even if they are then they must have been driven to it. The amount of animosity and petty grievances shown towards their exes and their new partners is limitless.

And before anyone jumps to assumptions - no I wasn’t the OW and yes I got on very well with my exes new partner.

Nobody asks if the new DP was the OM which would also be relevant. Never asked even if the OP says "my ex can't stand my new DP" or where it's the ex of the DP who's antagonistic even though they split up ages ago - he could easily have then gone on to split up the OP's marriage but nobody ever asks.

If you think the advice being given on a thread is wrong, the solution is at your fingertips.

Post what you think is better advice.

Much more productive, and helpful to the OP than slagging off a phrase or telling off other people

I don't think the phrase can really be banned, it doesn't tackle the root issue. There's a visceral hatred of stepmums from some posters on that board, who try to take out all their issues on the SMs posting there. I'm not a stepmum myself (so no horse in the race) but I'd like to see it cracked down on.

I don't think it should be banned. It's shows you who to ignore. However, bully and vileness towards stepparents and blended families should be removed.

@tropicalwaterdiver

IMO it is relevant and in my case my father married OW who practically pushed his kids and grandkids out of his life. Of course, the blame is on him that he fully switched to his wife's kids and grandkids. Sometimes I think that for him it doesn't make a big difference and grandkids are just kids whether they are yours or not. However, it's mine and my sister kids who are missing out relationships with their grandfather.

Sometimes the behaviour of the ex wife is so bad - and sometimes SHES the one that initiated the split - that it’s literally hell for all concerned.

It never seems to occur to the ex that their dad can see the kids getting manipulated, being hurt and tortured by their mother to ruin the time they spend with their dad, and actually the best way to stop them being used as a weapon is to just stop spending the time with them. Controversial I know, but if you can keep kids out of the firing range, you’ve got a chance to make up later when the kids aren’t reliant on their dm for communication/facilitation etc.

Spending the weekend/holidays with your child, trying to prevent the relentless tirade of interference or manipulation is exhausting, and then they go back to her and it has to be done again the next time.

The only people who lose in this are the kids, and if only the mothers could see this, take responsibility for this and whatever the circumstances support the kids relationship with their dad, so to make the kids so much happier and healthier

I do agree it's not a very helpful response.

I can see it's relevance in some situations - such as for instance if an ex doesn't want to meet the new partner, as someone mentioned earlier - but I'd also say that most of the time it doesn't actually help with the situation that the OP is posting about and just leads to people getting bashed, which is not meant to be the purpose of MN.

Like if they're posting about how they can try and build relations with their DP's kids, the OW thing just stops any constructive discussion, even though those people (including the kids) are already in that situation and could probably really benefit from OP being given some advice.

*its relevance

@tropicalwaterdiver

IMO it is relevant and in my case my father married OW who practically pushed his kids and grandkids out of his life. Of course, the blame is on him that he fully switched to his wife's kids and grandkids. Sometimes I think that for him it doesn't make a big difference and grandkids are just kids whether they are yours or not. However, it's mine and my sister kids who are missing out relationships with their grandfather.

But this is the thing for me, it's not a debate about whether being the OW/OM is wrong. It sounds like your dad has been awful to you and your kids and that may well be down to his new relationship. Everybody is always in the wrong to get into a relationship with a married person.

But for me the issue is more that if your dad's wife did come on here asking for advice on how she could try and build/improve her relationship with you and your children, and all she got back was abuse about being the OW, that hasn't helped anything?

So it is relevant in the sense that it gives guidance on how you might feel about her and how reluctant you might be to spend time with her, but it shouldn't override people giving actual constructive advice, which could benefit everyone in the situation, which it almost always does.

I don't think you can ban the question entirely as sometimes it may to some way to explain tense relations between parties but I certainly have seen it when it's completely irrelevant before and yes it is 9.9 times out of 10 on step parenting threads. I think if it's irrelevant it should be deleted, or just ignored would be better.

@PinkyPunkyHairdoo

Being an affair partner and trying to enter into a relationship with your APs family is often fraught with rejection and resentment. It is not a given that they have to accept you. It might be worth reading up on PTSD as the result of infidelity, it's gaining clinical traction and can create long term trauma for those directly involved.

Meeting a long widowed partner and trying to enter into a relationship with your partners family is often fraught with rejection and resentment. It is not a given that they have to accept you. It might be worth reading up on PTSD as the result of bereavement, it's gaining clinical traction and can create long term trauma for those directly involved.

See what I did there? Most men don't end up with the OW.

I think a sticky at the top of the StepParenting board could be a solution. Make it clear to new posters that this isn't just a hang out for step parents, but also a place where wronged exes and their children look to assuage their pain.

I know being cheated on, being lied to, being deceived and betrayed is traumatic, but you can’t use it as an excuse to behave badly and do untold damage to your children by burdening them with loyalty bonds which will affect their relationships for their rest of their lives - not only with their father and the new partner but the relationships they form as adults. Shit happens. I’m not being blasé - I was married to an alcoholic who repeatedly cheated, gaslit me endlessly about his affairs and his drinking, and put me through a breakup so traumatic my hair fell out and I developed nervous tics. But refusing to meet his new partner, manipulating my children, and using this as a excuse to behave in ways that I know are not my own standard are not ok ways to deal with this. He, for all his faults, is behaving in civil and amicable way with regards to the dc’s, I don’t agree with all the ways he does everything, but this is just the price you pay for being out of an unhappy situation. Some ex wives just can’t cope with the loss of control that comes with a breakup. That, not the specific context of anything else involved, is the real issue.

I have refused to “meet” my ex’s then new partner. I have no need to. He is obsessed with it as a form of control and making me do what he wants.

No means no. And I am entitled to my boundaries.

I am capable of being polite to him when I see him and I will pass myself to her with a hello but I have absolutely no desire to spend time with them as friends. They are not my friends.

Why does my no not have legitimacy? Why am I not allowed to say no and have that respected? I do not consent to “meeting” (some kind of big orchestrated thing) and as far as I’m concerned that’s the end of it.

He patented differently to me but I never ever stopped him having the kids any time he wanted to.

*parented

Sorry, meeting the new partner was just an example I used because someone above said they wouldn’t meet the new partner if she was OW - I agree there are other reasons to maintain boundaries.

spaceship sorry but that doesn't work.

Bereavement is the loss of an individual, through whatever circumstances, which can result in PTSD. The trauma is connected to a different form of suffering and results in the individual/s working their way through the bereavement cycle. Anger being a key stage which can be directed towards a new partner.

An affair creates a different kind of trauma, usually linked to long term emotional abuse of others (gaslighting, deceit, manipulation and so on). It can cause emotional distress and destroy self esteem in those directly impacted and can create long term relationship trust issues in children. The spouse and AP are still present and not absent like a bereavement (even if there is no contact). This complicates recovery for those experiencing PTSD as they are often required to co-parent or have a relationship with the person that has caused the trauma.

Its like comparing apples and oranges.

@Datingandnoideahowto

No it’s not.

Banning the question is an attempt to ignore poor behaviour.

99% of the time they're not the OW and therefore no bad behaviour has happened. Ex wives club just like to assume that it has.

Mine was the OW.

And there was really bad behaviour both when they were having an affair and after.

Banning the question would stop the asking of a very relevant question.

@PinkyPunkyHairdoo

The spouse and AP are still present and not absent like a bereavement

You'd think so, wouldn't you. However... In my case, the eldest of my DSCs channels their late Mum! I read people's anguished posts about the behaviour of the ex, and, seriously, I see much the same.

The need for life to stay the same, for control, for being the person who directs the family, decides where the family live, status etc. You would be surprised at the parallels.

Anyway, my point is that directing your anger at someone with an entirely different backstory is pointless. Even if the backstory had similarities, they would not be the person responsible for your trauma.