Can we ban "Were you the other woman OP?"

[KeepItConstructive]

A lot of the posters who post on the step-parent board are often asked the question "Were you the other woman OP?".

I find this question misogynistic as it is never asked of male posters. It is only ever asked of step mothers.

I feel that this question scares off a lot of step mothers and thus stops them from getting the support and advice that they have come here for.

Basically, can we just ban it? It doesn't add anything constructive to any step-parenting discussion.

Thank you

I agree

Because sometimes it is relevant to the situation they want advice on.
No it shouldn't be banned.

I agree.
It is always completely irrelevant, as it's no excuse to behave badly towards your children, so the only motivation to ask is to stir up trouble and use it as a stick to beat the other poster with.

dont be daft. Theres loads of annoying questioning that goes on on mumsnet. Asking if someone was the other woman can be relevent if its regarding why the ex is hostile or angry. Too many variables

I think if it's early irrelevant then yes it should be removed. I saw a thread today where it was the first thing asked and it was completely irrelevant.

"Were you the other woman?" is used to victim-blame step mothers and guilt them into putting up with abuse from their step children/ partner's ex.

Even if the OP was the other woman, that doesn't mean that she deserves abuse from her partner's ex or kids.

No point banning it, the answer is always no.

I agree.

I also agree. It would never be asked of a man. It also perpetuates the “evil step mother” narrative.

It’s not only asked in step-parenting, it’s across the boards. It also can be relevant. There was a thread where a woman was ignoring the many red flags in her relationship, it turned out she was the other woman. She came out with all the tired lines of how the marriage wasn’t working. There was a lot of fall out from their affair and I think she was ignoring the red flags because they’d both lost so much as a result of their actions. The wording she was using and the way she was so OTT about the relationship was completely explained when she confirmed that she was the other woman and therefore overly invested in proving the relationship was actually something worth ruining a marriage for.

@KeepItConstructive

"Were you the other woman?" is used to victim-blame step mothers and guilt them into putting up with abuse from their step children/ partner's ex.

Even if the OP was the other woman, that doesn't mean that she deserves abuse from her partner's ex or kids.

This is true.

It’s actually very relevant to how the step kids see the new partner/wife and the entire dynamic. I’m a step kid.

It only appears misogynistic because the majority of the posters on MN are women so the OP in step parenting is almost always a woman.

I agree with the sentiment but if the direct question were somehow banned people would just ask “is there a particular reason that she’s so hostile towards you?” or “how long was there between your DP splitting with her and meeting you” or some such bollocks.

I think the best way to deal with it would be for everyone who is asked that question (or for any other posters on the thread) to counter it with “what does that have to do with this particular situation?” And not to dignify it with an answer whether yes or no. Even by saying no, we are then legitimising the idea that someone who was an OW deserves to be treated appallingly and that any problems from that day onwards are her fault, not even the man’s fault, but entirely hers.

@aiwblam

It’s actually very relevant to how the step kids see the new partner/wife and the entire dynamic. I’m a step kid.

It only appears misogynistic because the majority of the posters on MN are women so the OP in step parenting is almost always a woman.

But actually it isn’t relevant because plenty of step kids hate/resent their SM even if she wasn’t the OW. They see the new woman as the reason their parents didn’t get back together even if she wasn’t the reason they split up to start with.

I agree. It’s used as an excuse to pillory women.

In my experience, there are some helpful responses on step parenting forum, but majority is just as the OP says, "were you the OW?". I find the stepmother is usually always the one in the wrong no matter what the situation is and we can't win sometimes.

I've posted some things before (usually under a name change for obvious reasons) and I've just got bashed! (I.e, when we announced my pregnancy, my dsd's mum hit the roof and called me every name under the sun, but of course I deserved that and it's my fault that I got pregnant, oh and it was said I must be the OW as no DM would respond like that)

I'd be in favor of banning it on the step parenting board. Assuming a stepmother is always someone the dad left the family home for, unless she proves otherwise (as otherwise as you can manage to on an anonymous internet message board), isn't really helpful. It certainly isn't what's happening in every family setup. So the phrase is really just loaded with a lot of psychological projection. Blended families get awkward and challenging for all sorts of reasons.

What?

Given that the vast majority of posters are women we aren't going to see as many male posters and so won't ask "where you the other man?" all that often, though I have seen it asked quite recently.

And then it makes a difference in some cases. Better advice is available if OPs situation is clear.

Instead of trying to ban it, yet more fucking enforced language in this site, just challenge each poster, or report it, or just ignore it.

I disagree. "Banning" a question because someone doesn't like it is silly.

It’s often relevant even if the OP would like to pretend it’s not. Affairs (including exit affairs) dramatically decrease the chance of two parents successfully coparenting following separation and that is often what drives a lot of the problems in blended/step arrangements. Doesn’t mean it’s the OPs fault, but often it is relevant.

Were you the other woman OP?

it isn’t relevant because plenty of step kids hate/resent their SM even if she wasn’t the OW. They see the new woman as the reason their parents didn’t get back together even if she wasn’t the reason they split up to start with.

Exactly. Or they see the stepmom as a threat to their relationship with their dad somehow. Or their dad has a hard time with boundaries and rules, they've grown accustomed to that, and now a new adult living with them is trying to bring those back in. Or their mom is no longer alive, and the stepmom is unsettling because her presence makes that clear.

Sometimes, people just need help learning how to get along with other people.

It’s Relevant to how the cops renting relationship works going forward. It also goes to the type of person that the dad is and often can be used to predict his actions post split.

It should not be banned.

Coparenting

I don't know how it's victim blaming, if they were the OW they weren't bothered about being a victim when they were sneaking around with the husband, obviously the ex and even the children will have some resentment towards them.