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Original poster

Can we ban "Were you the other woman OP?"

72 replies

KeepItConstructive · 30/07/2021 13:11

A lot of the posters who post on the step-parent board are often asked the question "Were you the other woman OP?".

I find this question misogynistic as it is never asked of male posters. It is only ever asked of step mothers.

I feel that this question scares off a lot of step mothers and thus stops them from getting the support and advice that they have come here for.

Basically, can we just ban it? It doesn't add anything constructive to any step-parenting discussion.

Thank you Smile

OP posts:
Branleuse · 30/07/2021 13:51

@KeepItConstructive

"Were you the other woman?" is used to victim-blame step mothers and guilt them into putting up with abuse from their step children/ partner's ex.

Even if the OP was the other woman, that doesn't mean that she deserves abuse from her partner's ex or kids.

well no, not actual abuse, but it gives context to the situation surely. Stepkid being surly around someone they blame for fucking over their mother or father 6 months later is kind of understandable
Datingandnoideahowto · 30/07/2021 13:53

My ex introduced the “new partner” less than a month after we split.

She was the ow and he was fucking her before we split it has now transpired.

Damn right that’s relevant if she was to post why I won’t meet her for example.

Intherightplace · 30/07/2021 13:55

It is relevant in many cases, obviously relationships are going to be different if there's a feeling SM contributed to the break up of the family. (Either with the DC or the Ex)

It may not be right, it may be unpalatable, but it is human.

Datingandnoideahowto · 30/07/2021 13:56

It also tells you what type of person she is and what type of person my ex is that they would have an affair and conduct themselves in such a completely skanky way. So it goes to morals and decency.

PegasusReturns · 30/07/2021 13:57

Don’t be ridiculous!

It’s often germane to the discussion but even if it’s not what would banning actually achieve?

Being on the internet means you need to accept you’ll be asked many irritating Qs Hmm

PinkyPunkyHairdoo · 30/07/2021 14:06

Victim blaming is entirely subjective. You assume the individual is a victim purely based on their side of the story. Often situations are very complex and involve multiple points of view and hurt/trauma. Notwithstanding domestic abuse/violence, in which there is a clear perpetrator and victim of crime, the generic victim/abuser stance on mumsnet that posters quickly leap to is usually an extremely simplistic approach and often the result of a lack of critical thinking.

Also trying to control freedom of speech because you don't like the question is wrong. Unless a person's post is abusive it should stand.

Being an affair partner and trying to enter into a relationship with your APs family is often fraught with rejection and resentment. It is not a given that they have to accept you. It might be worth reading up on PTSD as the result of infidelity, it's gaining clinical traction and can create long term trauma for those directly involved.

This is an important underlying current that can clarify the context that the poster is describing. Trying to erase this factor is simplistic and unhelpful. Just because one party thinks its past history does not mean the other party has to. We have no right to put obligations on others because their experiences and hurt are an inconvenience to our current choices.

HelenHywater · 30/07/2021 14:06

You can't ban a question because you don't like it.

It's often very relevant particularly if the new partner is complaining about the exwife being a bitch. Or the kids being reluctant to visit. And it's certainly relevant to the new relationship with the cheating spouse.

Youseethethingis · 30/07/2021 14:18

Your DH screamed in your face did he?
Did you burn his dinner?

See how that works?

Datingandnoideahowto · 30/07/2021 14:19

Not the same.

It’s very relevant to relationships between the parties going forward if two of them had an affair.

Youseethethingis · 30/07/2021 14:20

It's an attempt to justify poor behaviour is what it is.

Sparklingbrook · 30/07/2021 14:21

I'm not sure how that would work. Someone would have to report to MNHQ and then they would delete it?

No to banning questions that might reveal something relevant to the thread.

Datingandnoideahowto · 30/07/2021 14:21

No it’s not.

Banning the question is an attempt to ignore poor behaviour.

SoupDragon · 30/07/2021 14:22

it is never asked of male posters

How many male posters are there posting about step parenting problems?

Branleuse · 30/07/2021 14:25

maybe we should ban all questions that ask for context.

AnneElliott · 30/07/2021 14:26

I don't think it should be banned - it is relevant in a lot of situations. The OW doesn't think so because it benefits her to not recognise that her (and his) actions contributed to the current position she's asking about.

Original poster
KeepItConstructive · 30/07/2021 14:28

@Justawaterformeplease

Were you the other woman OP?
No, I was not.

However, I have been irrelevantly asked if I was the other woman several times on Mumsnet. Every time, it has been on the step-parenting board.

OP posts:
BootsScootsAndToots · 30/07/2021 14:31

So we can swear like troopers on here, but you want that question banned?

Righto 😂

And it's pretty relevant mainly on the SP board.

Original poster
KeepItConstructive · 30/07/2021 14:34

Why is it never asked on the relationships board? Or the pregnancy board? Or Dadsnet?

Why do I only ever see it on the step-parents board? Hmm

OP posts:
Datingandnoideahowto · 30/07/2021 14:35

I’ve seen it asked on relationships before where someone was describing a step parent situation.

I’ve never been on dadsnet so can’t comment on that.

PinkyPunkyHairdoo · 30/07/2021 14:42

It has been asked on multiple boards (AIBU, relationships, 30 days, you name it, it does pop up a lot).

Viviennemary · 30/07/2021 14:48

I don't think there is anything wrong with it as it could well explain certain behaviour. But I can well see that it might be a sore spot for some folk.

Branleuse · 30/07/2021 14:49

@KeepItConstructive

Why is it never asked on the relationships board? Or the pregnancy board? Or Dadsnet?

Why do I only ever see it on the step-parents board? Hmm

Why would it be asked on the pregnancy board?

Its asked on the stepparenting board usually because it adds context to why there is relationship conflict between the ex or the stepchildren. Seems pretty obvious to me.

I have seen it being asked when its been irrelevent too, but then that isnt something specific to the stepparenting board. Threads are derailed with irrelevent questions all the time, its pretty much what happens on any message board

SoupDragon · 30/07/2021 14:51

Why is it never asked on the relationships board?

Where there are problems that could easily have been caused by the person having been an affair partner it absolutely is asked on any board that a thread is started on.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 30/07/2021 15:22

@KeepItConstructive

Why is it never asked on the relationships board? Or the pregnancy board? Or Dadsnet?

Why do I only ever see it on the step-parents board? Hmm

Do you only see it on the step-parenting bird as that’s where you frequent?

As I said in my earlier reply, it’s not just asked in step-parenting, as I don’t read posts in step-parenting, the instances I’ve seen it asked have been in relationships. The example I posted about wasn’t a step-parent issue, it was a relationship issue but the OP being the other woman was still relevant to the situation and why she was clinging to that relationship.

MzHz · 30/07/2021 15:38

It’s not the question per se, it’s the sentiment that drives it

Always looking to blame the step mum at almost apparently any cost rather than to actually listen, hear the OP and advise her on how to manage or negotiate a particular issue

So yeah perhaps banning a question is an overly blunt tool, but we must tackle the misogyny against step mums.

We have to end this ridiculous cult of presenting the mother of the DSC as NEVER the one in the wrong.

Even when it’s evidenced over and over in a thread that the OP Isn’t the ogre, there’s a rotten core that will keep insisting that she is and it’s all the SM fault and the DM isn’t at fault