You can’t be anti-DV and leave this victim-blaming bilge up MNHQ

[TottieandMarchpane]

You’re not really taking the line that this is “in the spirit”?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3715190-To-think-many-women-shouldve-thought-more-carefully-about-who-to-procreate-with?pg=2&order=

I found it a really offensive, ignorant and misogynistic thread which showed now understanding of the complexity of coersive control and abuse

EXACTLY that @thisisfuckingbad

I thought it was about laziness round the house or with kids, not control or abuse.

It wasn’t actually clear the post wasn’t about domestic abuse, not at all....

I was a DV victim but you know the guy I married was sweet nice everything seemed good, I wasn't to know he was to become an alcoholic and a violent one at that. One night I grabbed dd and ran because I thought I was going to be killed. I'm ok now but not married to anyone I will never marry anyone else because my trust has been destroyed.
I do not need someone on a website to tell me I should have chosen better, I fucking know that I still bear the scars and do not need a keyboard judge to tell me, doesn't matter if that wasn't the intention of the thread, it's thumped me in the face good intentions or not and I didn't need that

I disagree @Schuyler.

Most of what you see on Mumsnet is women moaning and groaning about the ignorant/ selfish/ lazy/ entitled men they've chosen to father their children. Most of these oafs really do sound awful HOWEVER, AIBU in thinking that women need to be more careful about who they're choosing to father their children? Unless all of these fathers have had a personality transplant at the point of conception, women really do need to take some responsibility for bringing their DCs into such an unfair situation.

The OP mentions specifically the behaviours they are talking about, then goes on to exempt those men who have changed character after their children were born. You could say that some ignorant/selfish/lazy/entitled men are also abusive, but I think it is fairly clear that the OP was not written to be about abusive men.

I thought it was about laziness round the house or with kids, not control or abuse.

All that hyperbolic handwringing and “won't somebody please think of the children”ing? You thought it was about fair division of chores @MorrisZapp ?

@PortiaCastis

”Unless all of these fathers have had a personality transplant at the point of conception, women really do need to take some responsibility for bringing their DCs into such an unfair situation.”

I think it’s exceptionally insensitive and ignorant of multiple posters to ignore the views of women who have suffered and survived DV. I am fortunate enough to have not experienced this but I did read the thread and I did hear what women had to say.

The OP lit the torch and ran. That ending paragraph was borderline sarcastic and the “unfair situation” part makes it sound like the children are living in a home where things are not good. That makes is sound a bit more of a challenging home environment than “lazy man does zero cooking and cleaning and we both work full time”.

Child number one I knew he wasnt suitable but the contraception failed the morning after pill failed I tried to make it work but he was a shit my marriage was to a great guy he cooked he cleaned he worked everyone loved him two weeks before the wedding he moved me away from my family refused to let me work when he thought he was losing control he made us move again when things really got tough he threw my pills away I have two kids to this guy but the guy I'm divorcing is not the same one I married he stinks smokes wont work lies and it's a mess but really I had no idea before I married him even his mom changed the day that ring went on my finger she changed

That thread shows how I'm judged by other women....bitches

Child number one I knew he wasnt suitable but the contraception failed the morning after pill failed I tried to make it work but he was a shit my marriage was to a great guy he cooked he cleaned he worked everyone loved him two weeks before the wedding he moved me away from my family refused to let me work when he thought he was losing control he made us move again when things really got tough he threw my pills away I have two kids to this guy but the guy I'm divorcing is not the same one I married he stinks smokes wont work lies and it's a mess but really I had no idea before I married him even his mom changed the day that ring went on my finger she changed

That thread shows how I'm judged by other women....bitches

The OP does not 'exempt men' who change after pregnancy/childbirth. She says 'unless all those men have had a personality transplant...', suggesting disbelief and scorn for the possibility that this might be true in many cases. As the response testify, this WAS true in many cases.

I don't believe there was any genuine motivation in OP's thread, except to demean, judge and goad.

The trouble is that some men only turn into gits after the baby's been born.

”All that hyperbolic handwringing and “won't somebody please think of the children”ing? You thought it was about fair division of chores”

Well, quite!

Disingenuous springs to mind.

@slipperywhensparticus

it’s only the spiteful few that judge you. The rest of us get it, we really do. I was lucky enough my husband didn’t change post post childbirth but I believe you, I believe men do this and I don’t believe women should be judged. I say “lucky” because that’s all it sometimes, it’s luck. Fuck the judgmental people, seriously.

The OP does not 'exempt men' who change after pregnancy/childbirth. She says 'unless all those men have had a personality transplant...', suggesting disbelief and scorn for the possibility that this might be true in many cases. As the response testify, this WAS true in many cases.

I don't believe there was any genuine motivation in OP's thread, except to demean, judge and goad.

Yes, this.

I am of the opinion these people who say find the perfect man don't be a whidden who comes whining on Mumsnet because you didn't choose correctly have no idea what it's like to suffer DV and yes we come on here for advice not to be told we're in effect dimwits for choosing the wrong bloke, if everyone chose the right bloke the divorce courts would close down and Mn traffic would diminish greatly.

Isn’t it also a big odd the OP of that thread apparently posted, and ran once the blue touch paper was alight?

I’m scrolling through to check, and I’ve got to page eleven with no sign of her.

Just the OP and a brief comment on the first page.

@Schuyler

A BIT odd that she posted and ran?^

There were some stone cold bitches on that other thread and some regular names that really showed their true colours

Nobody was blaming women for being victims of DV.

The op did not blame women for the behaviour of men.

The op wasn't even talking about all women in awful relationships - just those who actively choose to have children with men who have already shown themselves to be poor parents and partners.

Agree with you AF yes it's easy to be a stone cold bitch from a keyboard though, half these people wouldn't be so cold if they had to face up to DV oh no no no they'd be on here asking for advice.
Wish they'd think who they're hurting before posting vile stuff though!

It seemed to me that female partners of ANY dysfunctional or unsatisfactory male partner, were being told they were probably the ones at fault for choosing badly. Including wives of abusive men.

That was to @Benes

I've lived with the consequences of DV. My mum was murdered by her partner. I did not see an ounce of victim blaming in the OPs post ....and I'm very sensitive to it.

It was obvious she wasn't talking about abusive relationships.

Even leaving aside cases of DA, “Got a shot partner? Your fault, lady!” isn’t a very supportive or empathetic message, is it?