Chores: the truth about who does what

[KateSMumsnet]

Like it or not, household chores are an inevitable part of life (unless you have a cleaner, but that's a entirely different thread). We asked 1,000 working mothers how household tasks were managed in their homes, and the results show that for the most part, women still pick up the bulk of the domestic work, while men are involved in the aspects that are traditionally seen as masculine.

Our results show that for 69% of households, DIY task are done by men, while 71% of women take care of the weekly clean. However, 50% of working mums are responsible for managing the family budget, with only 35% of families sharing the task.

Interestingly, 66% of our sample said they wouldn't want their partner to do more around the house despite this inequality.

What do you think of the results? Do they reflect how things are in your own home? Would you make any changes the division of labour within your family?

I would like to know exactly why 66% of your respondents said they wouldn't want their partner to do more around the house. What reasons did they give?

DH does loads of the housework eg. Cleaning bathroom, vacuuming etc. However, I tend to do tidying/putting away type jobs and I know when DD starts school I'll sort out her bag and so on. This isn't because of any reluctance on his part but because I'm a bit of a control freak. I know lots of female friends who feel the same - we just think nobody else can remember everything and do those things properly!
Looking at the detailed breakdown of tasks it does seem that men do some of the more unpleasant tasks eg putting out bins. I admit I never do this and would rather do just about any household task instead. I'm always joking to DH that this is a manly job!
Not really surprised by the results though.

Oh I heard you on the radio KateSMumsnet
Nicely done.

The topic that really struck a chord with me was what you called the "head stuff". The constant planning / organising of everything and everybody.

Interesting how on both sets of results, in the section for 'managing the children's lives', there is only 1 result in each where the man does most/all of the task scored above 5% and, interestingly, it's the same task; taking them to clubs etc. Perhaps this is because it's almost invariably a weekend/evening thing? Although it does take a lot of time & therefore commitment, it's probably one of the more fun things on the list. Every other result in this set of tasks seems to fall mostly to women.

I have to say, I do feel I am responsible for everything in our house, including earning the only salary. (DH is a student). I do the DIY & vast majority of the housework as I'm obsessive about getting things right much better at it, but I make him do the bins & stuff. We share the cooking. And he does anything that involves reaching up high as he's much taller than me!

As I'm not working at the min i do most jobs although when dp isn't at work (he works 6 days a week) so on a night/morning depending on his shift he helps outburst washing up and looking after the kids so as I can get on with cleaning and tidying. Having said that I do all the decorating and he just moves the furniture and watches the kids sorts food out for them etc while I get cracking. We have always done it this way cos he is crap at decorating!! :)

@secretsquirrels

Oh I heard you on the radio KateSMumsnet Nicely done.

The topic that really struck a chord with me was what you called the "head stuff". The constant planning / organising of everything and everybody.

Whilst I would love to be the object of your fawning secretsquirrels, it was in fact KatieMumsnet on the radio this morning. I will pass on your adoration

It does not quite reflect my home, as I feel that dh does more than his fair share of the domestic stuff.

On the whole I'm quite happy with our fairly traditional overall gender split. What does it matter, if both parties are content with it?

I can't understand why more people don't want their partner/husband to pick up more of the chores either. Is it because they think they do enough else? Or because they think they'd be shit at it?

I'd be more than happy for DH to pick up some of the general household chores, like picking toys up instead of kicking them to the side of the room, vacuuming, dusting, cleaning the loo - he doesn't do any of those (well ok, he'll do vacuuming if I ask him to but only if my back is out). He does, however, take turns with washing up and cleaning the oven and he does his own ironing; and he does the real heavy work because I mostly can't without damaging myself.

The only thing I would take steps to actively prevent him getting involved in is the laundry - and that IS because he's too careless. He doesn't give a shit if he puts all the stuff in together, so clothes would be ruined from run colours, or from being washed too hot, or wools shrunk, or stain remover not applied so stains being "washed in" etc. and I can't be doing with any of that. Laundry is my Monica province.

I'd like DH to want to do more, and to do more independently without reminders or requests. But that would also mean leaving stuff for him to do (he works typically 45 and up to 70 h per week) and walking round/over it in the meantime.

And because I do all most of it I am genuinely better at it. Watching him iron is painful because he does maybe a dozen shirts a year (when away with work).

I don't wish more housework on him, no. I'm happy to do the vast majority of the housework because he does bills and spiders. I'd rather have staff so neither of us had to be bothered with it, but there you go...

I'm a bit embarrassed by our family set up. We have an old house that needs loads doing to it.

Because someone has to take care of the kids (3 and almost 1) I have ended up doing household type jobs while dh does the DIY ones.

It's gone that way because I bf both so for a lot of the time it had to be me with the kids him in scruffy overalls.

It's still embarrassing though.

I can't understand why more people don't want their partner/husband to pick up more of the chores either. Is it because they think they do enough else? Or because they think they'd be shit at it?

In some cases it is because the partner is genuinely pulling their weight.

I think my dh is fairly typical: he probably does his fair share, but its the small things he does not think of (although would do if asked) that drives me bananas.

So, he wouldn't independently think to put clean towels out or change the sheets, or sort out a pile of old shoes for the shoe recycling charity, but would be perfectly happy to do those if asked.

The other day I came home from work - it had been a gloriously sunny day but he had hung the washing on to the clothes horse and left it in the kitchen, instead of putting it out on the patio in the sun (as I would have done).

He does loads of the children's after school activities though, and I delegate all baby sitting bookings to him too.

My DH is the sort of person who doesn't think ahead very well. I remember asking a professional psychologist once whether he could ever learn this skill or not; she felt not.

A lot of the household chores don't get seen by DH as being necessary. For example, he confessed to me that before he met me he used to wash his bed sheets only when visibly soiled. Yuck!

He think's I'm a fuss-pot with overly high standards, so tells me even if I pointed out it needed doing every week or even every fortnight, then he wouldn't agree, so still wouldn't do it, unless it met his criteria of being visibly soiled. Yuck again!

So, being the sort of person who DOES think ahead, I make sure these things are done. When I was pregnant and bleeding, so advised not to hoover or mop, he made a right song and dance about being asked because he didn't see why it needed doing once a week.

Luckily he does have some good points too!

But he WILL do things that he DOES notice, such as load the dishwasher, mow the lawn and bath the children. And I'm lucky that he loves cooking.

If we both worked outside of the home an equal amount of hours, I don't imagine this would change. He does occasional feel a bit chauvinistic and sometimes earns himself a kick under the table jokes proudly with his Dad about the way they both are, so I am not sure how much is his personality and how much is what he's always seen growing up.

This makes me more determined than ever to teach my boys how to be equal and not chauvinistic, but a part of me doesn't know how much influence I can have in that department because children often follow what they see more than what they're told. Anyway I digress.

Would I like it to change? Of course. Not only would I be less exhausted and less bored (lets face it, we all love to hate housework, don't we?), but I would feel more valued and respected.

Jadedangel that list of 'traditional male jobs' are all occasional jobs, e.g. I've needed a tyre changing 3 times in my 25 year driving history. The only two that are more regular are taking kids to clubs (which is mentioned above as an activity men do more of) and shopping (again, covered by the survey and not something I'd consider a traditional male job).

Yes, and the bins thing boils my piss. I've just taken my own bin out- it took less than a minute. Unlike laundry, cooking and washing up, which take up over an hour EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Weekly clean? Ironing? I definitely have lower standards than your sample survey!

I do more chores at home, because I don't work and DC's are at school so I can get most of it done while DH is at work. Then we have leisure time to spend together during evenings and weekends (I hate the idea of using evenings/weekends to do chores). DH does do quite a bit when he's here in the evenings, but the fact is I've already done the main bits like cooking/laundry. I am not fussed about mess as much as some seem to be on MN, and DH and I have the same low standards, plus we have no pets and a low maintenance household, so that makes life easier .

DH does most (all, or almost all) DIY, but this is only because he won't let anyone else touch his tools. This does generally mean that DIY doesn't really get done, though

As he works 39 hours and I work 16 I don't mind doing a bigger share of the housework. I do mind when the pots don't get done because I cook 99% of the time so it's him who washes up after.

I actually enjoy cleaning the bathroom and won't allow anyone else to do it I think it's because I can really see where my hard work went when it's done.

I work part time, both DC at primary. I therefore have more time at home, so do most of the housework - shopping, cooking and cleaning, although we also have a cleaner x 2 hours pw. I do my ironing, and the DCs, DH does his.

He sometimes washes up and at weekends empties and sorts the dishwasher. He cooks breakfast for us all sometimes.

DH works long hours and likes doing DIY as relaxation at the weekend. He also does all the finances, sorts MOTs insurance etc. He also does the bins.

I organise all the after school stuff, parties, presents, Christmas etc. We share reading and homework with the DC. (although I probably do 70%)

I mostly don't mind what I do, and he's the same. It works for us.

Looking at the table of chores, I do all of it despite having just recovered from major surgery, which means I really shouldn't be chopping trees, mowing lawns, changing wheels on bikes! Despite waiting all summer for these to get done whilst I recovered, I've now done them all myself rather than wait any longer.

I use a whiteboard in the kitchen to list all the things that need doing and have now started drawing red arrows from his list to mine to show him that I'm doing all his stuff now too. I'm still waiting for him to repair a puncture that i tried to fix but can't finish as I'm not strong enough. When I told him I'd booked in a male friend to come and do it for me, he promised he would & I'm still waiting!

It's not as if he's working either as he can't find a steady job since being made redundant 6 months ago. From the look of this thread I have been unlucky with this one haven't i?!

My 3 DSs have stepped up to the mark & do chores yet he still doesn't. Ah well. 99:1% split in chores ain't bad??

I too am curious about the 66% who don't want their partner to do more, but I think there are explanations for part of that figure at least.

Firstly the question includes people whose partner is already doing 50% or more of those tasks, so some people may have no reason to want them to do more.

Secondly the survey didn't factor in who is doing how much work outside the house. If one partner is a SAHM/D (especially with school-age children only) and the other works long hours, they may not want to change things as they feel they already have a fair deal even if doing most of the chores.

And thirdly, while some of the tasks could easily be shared (e.g. laundry), others might be harder to split either because of the timing (e.g. needing to cook before DP is home from work) or because they are difficult to split. If one person has been doing the full "home admin" role for example, and has all the invitations/regular activities/kit lists etc in their head, it could be quite difficult to get someone else to take on bits and pieces of it without losing track, unless they are both quite organised and good communicators.

I do agree with the people who pointed out that a lot of the more male-dominated tasks are very quick ones (e.g. bins) and/or only needed once a week or more occasionally (e.g. bins again, DIY etc), whereas many of the ones falling more to the women are the really constant, daily, relentless ones such as tidying, cleaning, school bags and admin etc....

I think our split is better than some but still could improve. DH is pretty good with cooking, homework, finances, some DIY and (clothes) washing, but I don't think he really realises how much stuff I do that he never even thinks of. It would never occur to him to clean the fridge, clean kids' shoes, do their nails/nit combing, change and wash towels or sheets, buy party presents (unless asked and suggested by me), sort and store/get rid of outgrown clothes... and most of the gardening and a lot of the car stuff has ended up with me too. Plus I am in "constant-tidying" mode (always taking random things up and down stairs with me for example) whereas he tends to ignore a lot of it till our once-weekly big hit. He does work more hours, but I also work, and until recently was looking after DCs all the time I wasn't working too so was limited in what I could get done then. I hope we can make some adjustments over time though; and also now both DCs are at school I get a bit more "free" time so it's fair enough for me to use that time to get some stuff done, as long as I'm not then still rushing around all evening too!

We buck the trend domestic chores are split evenly or possibly he does more (he works out of the house fewer hours) I will be reducing to part time so I will be picking up more than him going forward. I even forced myself to delegate the entire food shopping, mean planning & cooking to him and let him work through various disasters etc. for several months. Was well worth it.

He has the responsibility of the chores I hate the most (hanging out wet washing. emptying bins) "my" chores are the weekly/bi-weekly deep clean of the kitchen, bathroom, cloakroom. Vaccuum - shared, clothes washing fairly shared but I'm a bit controlling although getting better. I have to do the thinking for changing the bedding and towels though . He tends to do the school stuff too.

I read wifework and was pleasantly surprised at how well we've managed to make it fairly even especially as I was a SAHM for 6 years with 4 dc and I "know" best and before living with me he was at home so never had to do this sort of stuff. I do the finances but any big decisions are joint and we have a similar (frugal) approach to spending money so not really an issue either. I did put my foot down about getting internet banking when I went back to work - he was always worried about the security.

I did shed a few silent tears and shared some howling laughter over his wash disasters. He also now very much appreciates when I cook for a change