A place to talk about abuse, violence etc

[Offred]

I've asked before and now you have the we believe you campaign I thought you might be more amenable...

Please, can we have an area for threads talking about abuse and violence? Please? It is so important that when people come on here they do not have to run the gauntlet of rape/violence/abuse apologists before they can get support. I also think that individual posts are alienating to people dipping in because they are like cliques and hard to follow. I think to could get around the privacy issues in various ways such as having advice about namechanging and erasing the history on your computer/private browsing and tracking devices that may be installed by abusers on devices at the top and by making it clear that it is not necessarily safe to post if you share a computer etc.

Yes please. It would be good, for me, of it was not google able. I would like to talk about something I daren't in case exp sees it and sues me

I think it's good to have advice about name changing and internet security in abuse situations.

Mn is the safest internet area for me in regards to rl things I can't discuss but I do have to be careful.

There is OTBT but I'd rather blend into other areas where my specifics aren't that spotable and certain things I don't answer if it feels too close to home.

Mn is safer than facebook say re the general posting style. I know I'll never be 100% safe on t' net but a specific area might not be that safe

At the moment I am not feeling like mumsnet is a safe or productive place to talk about sexual violence against women, not at all. Some of the things that have been said on some of the recent threads have been actually disgusting and potentially extremely damaging to people who have experienced sexual violence. They are the kinds of things which really limit recovery and I think MN does not seem to have an effective way of dealing with this.

If all abuse, so the stately homes thread, the emotional abuse thread etc and any topics about abuse were all in an abuse topic which was not google able and people who wanted privacy were advised to namechange etc then I think it would be vastly better than what we have now. I mean a woman who was sexually assaulted (who knows where it would have stopped if she hadn't run away) was told things like grow up, why were you the last one left, the police would laugh at you, it isn't serious on one thread, I just think that is so completely unacceptable and damaging.

I haven't seen that Offred

The internet isn't safe but agree that more could be done on tackling rape apologists as it is goading.

There is a place for child rape survivors but not for adult rape survivors.

Put like that then yes, an area where victims could be given practicle advice away from people just looking for a gripe.

It would be a good idea in light of the we believe you campaign as I presume people come here as they think they'll be believed.

Maybe a we believe you area?????

I can name change that's no problem - I have but if I described a specific event it's that which would out me - iyswim

I know why MN has this policy of letting it stand so that it will educate others and I think it is fine in a way but not in situations where someone is seeking help immediately post being assaulted and are in a fragile state of mind and eager to convince themselves it is not real or serious and I think there would be benefits for other thing such as abusive families, dealing with contact issues with a past of abuse, abusive relationships between partners etc which are dealt with very bluntly in a general "relationships" forum which is why we have all these individual support posts springing up. Nothing is ever going to be perfect but I really really cannot deal any more with the some of the things people say in significant enough numbers for it to be a significant problem and when the op doesn't post for a while an then comes back to update it just starts over again. I really feel quite desperate about it. One time I was raped I told some people about it and was verbally and physically attacked and hounded about being a prick tease and in many ways this was fundamentally more damaging than actually being raped. I just think if people choose to come here for first disclosure and support that needs to be respected and it needs to be organised in a way that protects them as far as possible otherwise I think it needs to be made clear that things like that can't be spoken about safely on MN which I think would be sad.

I mean "the police would laugh at you" seriously that is one of the nastiest things I have heard.

Scarred, I do, I'm in a similar position.

Offred, true, I'd agree that either a safe disclosure area or a warning that mn is not a safe disclosure area would be good.

The only problem with specialised boards is they attract "opposite" posters too.

The internet isn't safe but agree that maybe because of the we believe you campaign women believe they'll get help here rather than having to deal with unhelpful posters

Mn isn't a crisis forum so could link to rape crisis automatically in those cases

I know but I do think that would be obvious trolling then rather than getting the "unless the post is obviously blaming we prefer to let you sort it out" post. Honestly I dont know exactly what would be best but I don't think MN can put itself forward as a place that supports victims through the we believe you campaign but then sacrifices them when the post in the name of re-educating the herd.

I'm not in crisis anymore I just want to talk about it. Especially in the context of mu old posts under my original nick name.

I keep wishing there were threads that you had to request to join or something

Sorry t'internet threw me off.

The we believe you campaign is good and useful but I agree it is not good on the forum in a crisis situation.

It is upsetting and a specific place to post for practicle advice would be groundbreaking and could be linked to the we believe you campaign. Threads like that could be moved to a "safer" area where support is given rather than having a bit of a discussion.

Scarred, I feel the same but know my safety would be compromised by discussing certain things so I either have to not discuss or change things completely. Have you had rl help from wa?

Scarred, the only solution would be a closed fb group under an alias at the present time but that would exclude lurkers who might need the advice.

I would agree with you, Offred, in the context of the recent thread. There the events had literally just happened when the OP started posting. This wasn't an intellectual discussion along the lines of '2 years ago, the following happened. Was this an assault?' - she had basically escaped and was posting because she was at home alone.

Even bearing in mind the drunkenness time of night, I was shocked by the tone of some of the posts (as, in fairness, others were by my suggestion that the OP could - I did not say should - go to the police about what had happened). I felt the posts could have been extremely off-putting for the OP under the circumstances.

I don't think the education of others should have been paramount. That was a 'live' thread in which the events were unfolding, not a discussion thread about their aftermath. That said, if there was a separate section for discussions about violence, the OP might have chosen not to post in it if she felt her situation wasn't as serious as the others that would be discussed there.

I'm glad she was able to take some support out of the thread.

Tbh this thread tonight has been a real trigger for me. This is the second time the blaming attitude of posters on threads like this has been a trigger for me. It is unnecessary and I feel MN is not really considering the effect on those seeking support in crisis but also the effect on those who they are expecting to provide the "education" in the "valid discussion" I am literally sitting up and virtually hysterical after that thread right now when I should be sleeping.

I would like to think we could find a better way to do it trib...

Oh yeh loads of rl support plus supportive sol and counsellor but I lift want to gas on at length about things, not in front of my dd with all the folk on mn clued up about types of EA etc

What thread?

And yes as a survivor left to deal with antagonistic posts it is really damaging. The only solution I have found is to leave it and that doesn't help victims rather it reinforces that there is nowhere you will be believed.

Scarred, yep but I don't know if my ex is on here, it's too risky for me.

I agree an area such as you describe Offred might be useful - would it also be harder for those seeking help to find it? The thread you mention I also posted on and in the end I thought a greater proportion of posters were more of the non-blame ilk (couldn't think of a better way of putting it).
I'm not saying it isn't distressing for those involved in the thread btw.

It is called "inappropriate work colleague" in relationships but please there are some things I think are really nasty on there so be careful if you read it.

The last one that got me was the one about not deserving being raped because you were drunk. I feel like I cannot walk away from it specifically because of this "educating" in a "valid discussion" thing which is being expected. In reality what happens is I get really upset but cant leave it and there is then fall out in my personal life after.

Something similar has already been suggested and MNHQ are working on it. See this thread for more information:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/1510671-Support-threads-is-there-an-alternative-to-Off-The-Beaten-Track?msgid=32760692

And I think it fails to take account of the likelihood of someone who has suffered sexual violence blaming themselves very easily and taking more not of blaming posts than the non-blaming ones.

IamZombie, thankyou, I'd forgotten I'd posted on that one. Is that just for the specifics of the op's situation or a general thing to include topics like this?

Offred, hope you are ok and you know you can discuss triggers anytime. If you cannot mentally engage you really really need to put yourself first and post second, that sounds a load of crap but it's meant to be supportive