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Original poster

MNHQ please can we have an "elderly parents" section?

93 replies

ssd · 27/08/2011 09:17

this subject is so relevant to many of us yet there is nowhere to discuss the feelings of loss/guilt/anger/worry many of us have, not to mention having a discreet laugh and chat when it all gets too much

I think this would be a really useful and sympathetic section for those of us struggling with elderly mums or dads

thanks

OP posts:

FruStefanLindman · 03/09/2011 16:36

OK. Maybe instead of " Our Aging Parents/Relatives", perhaps it should just be :

"Aging Parents/Relatives : coping with"

or something like that - but with the 'Aging Parents/Relatives' being the primary part of the Topic name (I admit the second bit is a bit...well...not very imaginative)

vividgingerchilli · 03/09/2011 16:39

Adult Children of Elderly Parents might do as a name, not very snappy though.

vividgingerchilli · 03/09/2011 16:40

Fru, that's a better suggestion.

FoundWanting · 04/09/2011 17:35

Having just spent the day with my rather difficult FIL, this topic can't come soon enough.

Although he's not facing any terrible difficulties at the moment, we need to manage his ridiculous expectations, such as him thinking that someone will 'pop in' every day when it is a 2 hour round-trip.

I'd love anyone's top tips on how best to support DH as he swings from feeling duty/guilt/resentment/sadness/anger.

I think a catch-all title along the lines of 'Coping with Elderly Relatives' would suit a topic that is for asking for specific help as well as providing a space for a good old rant. Ranting in a separate topic would hopefully spare us from those posters who feel they have to pile in with a '....I lost my DM years ago, you should count your blessings...'

alto2 · 04/09/2011 18:18

I would like this too. Things are going reasonably well with my Mum at the moment (she came to live with us two years ago) but we've had some awful times and I'm sure there are more to come.

Original poster

ssd · 04/09/2011 19:48

found, thats exactly what happened to me last time I started a thread about my mum, I was very low and had all the feelings your dh has.....anyway the very first poster said to me "you're lucky you still have her". It just reinforced my feelings of isolation that there was no one to discuss this with, well I mean nowhere to discuss this properly, as many wise posters did join the thread and gave me a lot of empathy and advice. I know I'm lucky to have my mum still here but I don't feel lucky IYSWIM. then I feel bad for saying that.

I'm sorry to see there are so many others out there like me struggling with the same feelings of foundwantings dh.....

TBH I'm amazed this topic hasn't been going on forever on mumsnet, there must be so many of us in this boat, I can't understand why its not been demanded asked for before.

OP posts:

elliott · 04/09/2011 20:07

Yes please, 'coping with elderly relatives' just about sums it up.
I have been desperate for some good MN style practical advice about how to stop my dad driving, how to navigate supporting him when he is in complete denial about his limitations, and really just to sound off and hear from how other people are coping with this rather strange role reversal...frankly trying to find good care for your elderly relatives is a much harder job than finding decent childcare, and the system is so complex it makes me really angry- I can't work it out myself, so how they expect frail and confused elderly people to manage really beats me...
Please please get the topic going soon! I am sure there are thousands of us out there!!

FruStefanLindman · 05/09/2011 22:02

ssd. Although (as I mentioned up-thread) my Mum has now died, I'm not of the "you're lucky you still have her" camp - I have accepted that she's gone, but, there is stuff I'm still trying to work through in my mind about her last few years. Plus I think some of my experiences could be helpful to others who are going through it at the moment - or in the the future. And I'm sure there are many other MNers like me who would join in this new topic.

You alluded, up-thread, to people who, if they're not in the same situation, might not really 'get' what it's all about. I was very aware when I was coping with my Mum's situation - that some people just didn't have a clue what I was going on about (if I dared mention it at all). It really does help to have others who know all about the mixed feelings - along with the practicalities.

MNHQ

HelenMumsnet · 05/09/2011 23:00

Hello. And many apols for keeping you waiting so long.

But yes to this new topic. We'll get it set up as soon as we can.

LoveBeingIgnoredByMardyBra · 06/09/2011 05:24

Helen I hope you weren't in discussion about this the whole tine between your posts

Thank you!

allhailtheaubergine · 06/09/2011 05:33

Couldn't be better timing. Am anxiously waiting for this new topic now so I can talk about our family. I really need to hear from others in our situation.

Original poster

ssd · 06/09/2011 09:32

Fru, you've got completely the wrong end of the stick, I wasn't alluding to you further up, I was just remembering a thread I was on when I was told I was still lucky to have my mum and remembering how that made me feel.

I know so many of us have different feelings about our elderly parents, whether they are still with us or not, and everyone has the right to use this topic as to how they are feeling, I'm certainly not belittling how anyone feels, we're all going thru different stages with all this so please don't think I was meaning to belittle your feelings somehow, I'm a bit confused why you said that earlier? I'm sorry if thats how it sounded, your posts have really helped this thread keep going and its for people like you and me and anyone else it would help, I'm just glad its going to be a topic now, thanks MNHQ!

OP posts:

FruStefanLindman · 06/09/2011 09:41

ssd, noooo - I didn't mean you were alluding to me at all .
Nor am I criticising anyone who says "you're lucky you still have her", after all, bereavement is complex and very personal.
I was just stating where I am, in my own mind, and that if any of my experiences can be of any help to anyone else then I would be happy to share them.

MNHQ

HelenMumsnet · 06/09/2011 12:00

Hello. And here you go

FoundWanting · 06/09/2011 12:03

Thank you Helen.

Just got to decide which of the million threads I want to start first!

wompoopigeon · 06/09/2011 12:48

yippee! Thank you!

FruStefanLindman · 06/09/2011 17:40

Thank you, Helen.
(Does this mean Tech can get back into that shed now? )

notlettingthefearshow · 06/09/2011 17:44

Elderly parents thread would be great! Deefinitely very different from carers. And also different from parents, since some may only be in their 50s/60s - young!

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