AIBU to feel uneasy they kept this intimate incident from me

[ItsMayHem2]

Hi all, name changed to ask this question, but I have a dilemma and I want to know if I’m over reacting, and I’m hoping the famous ‘sex people’ might give me a balanced view.

basically, my friend often crashes at ours if she misses her train home. This has happened for years with no issue. About a year ago, apparently, she walked in on my husband who WFH, having a wank. Not necessarily a big deal, neither of them are bothered after a bit of initial embarrassment … but neither told me. Now I’m struggling with the fact they’ve kept an intimate secret. It feels like a betrayal but my husband thinks I’m overthinking it. Since I found out, I can’t be intimate with him and he thinks this is an over reaction. So AIBU? How can I get past this?

I would say over reaction. In my student days my house mate walked in on me, I can't say either of us wanted to speak about it?! Maybe surprising he did it whilst she was in your house but assuming he doesn't proactively tell you each time he's sorting himself out, I can't imagine that either side would want to jump and tell you. He didn't cheat on you so not sure why it should affect intimacy with him personally

To me it’s not the fact he wanks, we all do that, and I have no issue. He claims he didn’t know she was there, which is probably true as she snuck in quite late and I had an early shift so didn’t see him.

I can’t rationalise why I’m so angry about it… had he, or she, told me at the time I probably would’ve laughed. I’m not a prude. But I’m struggling and we keep rowing about it

Alright, I can only speak for myself (M), but masturbation is intensely private. If I'd been caught, I'd want to consign it to that part of my brain that forgets things. I don't think they're keeping a 'secret' in the way you, @ItsMayHem2, perhaps understand it.

I found out after they’d made a jokey reference to it… he clearly hasn’t forgotten.

Of course he hasn't forgotten! The embarrassment will live with him for the rest of his life, and a 'jokey reference' is probably his way of dealing with the shame.

Maybe @LochSunart but from my perspective it feels like he enjoyed it

OK - I've given this a bit of thought and I'm trying to see your perspective. Perhaps because they've shared a joke about it, you see it as a shared moment of sexual intimacy. Even though I think a joke is just their way of dealing with it, I can understand this view (if I've judged correctly.) The only way forward that I can see is a calm conversation, but you'll both have to listen to each other. You explain, as calmly as you can, why you feel upset by this. Please talk only about your own feelings. Maybe you could ask him to think about this for a while before he responds - he's bound to want to give his side, because he's likely to feel attacked or criticised - but, when you're ready, he needs to do the same - he needs to speak openly and plainly about how the incident made him feel, and why he has dealt with it the way he has. It obviously really bothers you - I can understand that - and the rows are a symptom.

Part of my issue, is that after she’d walked in and quickly walked out, he said he almost immediately ejaculated. If I was caught the shame and embarrassment would have killed the mood immediately. The almost immediately makes it clear that he continued so I then picture him doing it to her.

We’ve always been very open, masturbation has often been discussed. After I had given birth I didn’t want to be touched at all so I would regularly talk about his needs and him asking for a lie in was code for him needing a wank. I can’t quite get beyond why he didn’t just say, guess what embarrassing thing happened…

@ItsMayHem2 You need to talk, and it will probably be an uncomfortable conversation, but honesty is best in these situations.

Problem is we have spoken about it a lot. He thinks I’m over reacting. I asked him how he’d feel if his friend walked in on me, naked, legs spread and I’d been to turned on to stop. His argument is that it is a lot harder to hide when a man wanks. I’m just angry

I have even asked multiple times if he knew she was there and wanted to be caught. He denies this

If he is at point of no return, or almost there, then it is likely that he would have been able to carry on, without the mood being killed.

If I am just starting out/early stages, then the mood could easily be killed, but not necessarily further along.

I think LochSunart has given you good advice about how to go about this.

That’s an interesting perspective and what he says. He says that he was very near climax and couldn’t come back. Is that true for men?

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He claims that if she’d walked in seconds later she’d have seen ejaculation and that would’ve been worse from his perspective. For me, being interrupted at any stage would kill it completely

What does that post mean @LochSunart

Yes it is absolutely true. Generally speaking, I think women tend to need to be in the mood/headspace etc to cum, but men not necessarily so. I am not a woman, so can't comment if there is a point of no return, but for men, again generally, yes there is.

Thank you, the male perspective here is actually helpful

I meant it's totally possible for a man to be at the point of no return and not to be able to prevent ejaculation.

BTW, I think your feelings are valid. However, people are notoriously bad at being honest about sex, or accepting honesty from others.

I've got more I could say but I have to go and clear out my mother-in-law's loft! I may return later.

You’ve been very helpful, thank you. I guess I am over reacting a bit. Hearing from men that they wouldn’t necessarily be able to stop is exactly what he said. She said he was properly going for it at that moment so maybe he had just gotten too close

I’ve text him to say sorry and we can chat to put it behind us tonight.

@ItsMayHem2 In which case, I don't think I need to add anything. I'm sure you'll sort it out between yourselves.

Best forgotten OP