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Friend has mentioned that her and her DH are into swinging and has suggested we try it

39 replies

EffusiveHen · 26/06/2026 22:55

Myself and DH are good friends with another couple who are in their late 40s. We have known them for over 15 years. My friend told me recently that her and her DH have discovered swinging and that it has apparently done wonders for their sex life. She asked if I would ever consider doing it. I think the fact that she brought it up was a sign that she thought there was a chance I would be into the idea. I just said I would have to think about it. I haven't mentioned it to DH yet.

I'm wondering if anyone here has done it, especially later on in life. How do you do it without blowing up your marriage?

OP posts:
ExpertInAbsolutelyZero · 26/06/2026 23:03

Never done it, so no advice. I think the fact you said you would have to think about it will have given your friend the idea you are considering it.

exhaustDAD · 27/06/2026 07:16

It is a lifestyle that is definitely not for everyone. Way more couples break their relationship diving into it than those who can make it work. It's not as simple as trying a new ice cream flavour, and if you don't like it, you'll just not buy it any more. Once you try it, there is no way to reverse it, if it's not for you. At that point you have already opened your relationship, and that cannot be erased by wishful thinking or changing your minds. I have no desire sharing the most intimate aspect of our relationship with my wife with anyone, it is just ours, a space of joy and love the entirety of the world is excluded from. I think that is special.

I personally know quite a few couples who have tried and it broke them up. But I am just a person from the internet, if you look at reports and findings of professionals who work with couples on their issues, the number of failure is pretty darn high. I am not saying it doesn't exist, sure, there are people who live it, like your friend, but I would advise against it, especially because it's not something you two developed a curiosity for, it's just something a friend coined, so standing on weak legs already.

cricketnut77 · 27/06/2026 08:00

We started swinging after covid and absolutely love it. Our relationship has never been better and our sex life is fantastic, we love the social side of it just as much as the sex and its just amazing fun. You do need to communicate well with each other, take it a step at a time and respect boundaries.

AnonAnonmystery · 27/06/2026 08:03

Think your friend planted this “idea” in your head so you could swap partners or have a foursome to be honest. If you’ve never thought about swinging then why risk your marriage. As @exhaustDAD your intimate life with your husband is special ( or should be special right now). I could never swing as I want my partner to be all mine and I know he wants me to be all his. Some things in life are not for sharing or risking,

Lugol · 27/06/2026 08:43

Your friend fancies your DH and wants to fuck him.
Are you down with that?

You can't put a bomb under your marriage without risking blowing it up so if it isn't something you think you want to do going forward then it's not for you.
It wouldn't be for me either.
I consider our sex life something special just between DH and I and wouldn't want to sully what we have.

I know it works for some couples but I think they are vanishingly rare and the people I know who have done this, it didn't work out long term and they broke up because once your marriage is open it can't be closed again in the same way.

If it 'aint broke don't fix it.

cricketnut77 · 27/06/2026 09:59

The OPs friend is a swinger. That doesn't mean she wants to fuck the OPs husband.

topcat2014 · 27/06/2026 10:12

I could never imagine the confidence needed to embark on this.. - fair play I suppose to those that do.

AnonAnonmystery · 27/06/2026 11:02

cricketnut77 · 27/06/2026 09:59

The OPs friend is a swinger. That doesn't mean she wants to fuck the OPs husband.

I wouldn’t rule it out though .., why does she want to get her friend interested in swinging if there’s nothing in it for her? I just feel there maybe a hidden agenda but then again I don’t want anyone fucking my partner so that’s the logic behind how I am thinking.

ExpertInAbsolutelyZero · 27/06/2026 11:19

cricketnut77 · 27/06/2026 09:59

The OPs friend is a swinger. That doesn't mean she wants to fuck the OPs husband.

Maybe she’s interested in OP 🤔

Lugol · 27/06/2026 11:53

cricketnut77 · 27/06/2026 09:59

The OPs friend is a swinger. That doesn't mean she wants to fuck the OPs husband.

She's asking her if she ever has considered it.

Why do you think she's asking? Curiosity?

daphney · 27/06/2026 15:26

exhaustDAD · 27/06/2026 07:16

It is a lifestyle that is definitely not for everyone. Way more couples break their relationship diving into it than those who can make it work. It's not as simple as trying a new ice cream flavour, and if you don't like it, you'll just not buy it any more. Once you try it, there is no way to reverse it, if it's not for you. At that point you have already opened your relationship, and that cannot be erased by wishful thinking or changing your minds. I have no desire sharing the most intimate aspect of our relationship with my wife with anyone, it is just ours, a space of joy and love the entirety of the world is excluded from. I think that is special.

I personally know quite a few couples who have tried and it broke them up. But I am just a person from the internet, if you look at reports and findings of professionals who work with couples on their issues, the number of failure is pretty darn high. I am not saying it doesn't exist, sure, there are people who live it, like your friend, but I would advise against it, especially because it's not something you two developed a curiosity for, it's just something a friend coined, so standing on weak legs already.

I think there is quite a lot of confirmation bias in this comment. Also I'm not sure where your assertion that way more couple break up than stay together if they try consensual non-monogamy. If it's not for you that's totally fine, and everyone is different.

There is no good evidence that either monogamous or non monogamous relationships are superior/inferior, or that the break up rate is any different. The most important aspect is agreement on the relationship structure and good communication. Your comment that lots of couples who have tried it that you know have broken up? I presume you also know lots of monogamous couples that have broken up?

Personally I haven't met anyone that has tried it and broken up, but then that's just my kinky circle of amazing communicators and couples who are in love. I can say that for us, it supercharged our sex life and our vanilla life.

AnonAnonmystery · 27/06/2026 16:08

I find the comment that people are stronger that ever really bizarre. The whole “reclaiming” idea is really fuelled on jealousy and possession really, unhealthy emotions, it’s a bit like extreme make up sex. I wouldn’t want to introduce these emotions into my relationship, while they are unavoidable at times, I wouldn’t want these intense emotions as part of my daily relationship. I do think those that swing are unhappy with their sex lives but dress it up as something like “ our sex life was great but now it’s even more so”. I don’t buy it. I know I have a strong opinion on this and am probably going to be flamed for my comments but that’s what I think.

exhaustDAD · 27/06/2026 16:50

daphney · 27/06/2026 15:26

I think there is quite a lot of confirmation bias in this comment. Also I'm not sure where your assertion that way more couple break up than stay together if they try consensual non-monogamy. If it's not for you that's totally fine, and everyone is different.

There is no good evidence that either monogamous or non monogamous relationships are superior/inferior, or that the break up rate is any different. The most important aspect is agreement on the relationship structure and good communication. Your comment that lots of couples who have tried it that you know have broken up? I presume you also know lots of monogamous couples that have broken up?

Personally I haven't met anyone that has tried it and broken up, but then that's just my kinky circle of amazing communicators and couples who are in love. I can say that for us, it supercharged our sex life and our vanilla life.

It is very true that there is not a lot of data or statistics out there regarding this. I remember reading an interview a few years back with relationship expert whose career is about working through couples' hardships. He/She said something interesting - that marriages that are changing to be open have a super high percentage of breaking down due to the inherent nature of consensual non-monogamy - the vast majority experiencing issues or pain around some form of jealousy, for example. Granted, that can change, worked out, etc. (And it is important to point out that we're not talking about relationships where that dynamic is there from the start.)

In my opinion, if we're talking about the superiority of one relationship types, there is not one that is better than the other. Whatever works for people, if it works for both, that is way more than ok. Just because there is no way in hell I would be willing to take part in any kind of non-monogamy, ethical or otherwise, does not mean I look down on those who are in open relationships. I honestly think that those who are in the lifestyle would not necessarily have a higher level of divorces, but I am specifically looking at the leap, the change of lifestyle, that's where it can break down more easily, I think. It's not just about one person doing a thing for themselves, you go into it together, two heads, two hearts, and there's no way to know for sure how the other person feels, thinks. Communication is key, but there are so many things that can be interpreted or understood differently, even retrospectively, unexpected emotions, realisations - what if one of them suddenly realises that it is not for them as the deed was done? You can't reverse the actions any more. Someone realising they are unable to accept their partner being touched by others after it already happened will think about it for ever, he/she won't just forget it - as I said, this is not a flavour of ice cream you tried and disliked.

What I am suggesting is that such a change in lifestyle risks so much for not a lot of reward. In OP's specific case, it's not suggested that it was ever part of their interests or kinks, it was coined by a friend. A very weak base to build on, in my honest opinion. Risking an otherwise working marriage for something "we could try" a friend suggested. You said it yourself, you need a strong structure, agreement and communication.

Speaking of biases, if you read back what you said, you know you are doing the opposite on your side of representation, right? How you haven't met anyone who tried and separated, but that is because your circle of successful non-monogamous relationships are amazing communicators and are in love. Please, like that's an exclusive trait exercised by ethically non-monogamous people. I know, you will say "I never claimed that", but just read what you said, there is a very clear biased description to the group you are part of. I will openly say that I am biased towards what works for us, because I find it more special that it is something that we share, just the two of us, a special occasion where we leave everything out, especially other people, vanilla as it may sound. I don't know, we are very much in love still, have very healthy and open communication, and our intimacy did not go boring where we needed to include other people to not be vanilla any more - The fact that we didn't need "outside help" makes it more special to me. We don't love each other any less just because we don't want to share each other with other people, our communication is open and very healthy just because it is not rooted in non-monogamy. To each their own, that much we agree on.

As there's not a lot of data out there to rely on, researches, etc, I guess we all look at what we know first-hand, the people around us: For you, it's the super special, kinky circle of champion communicators, for me it's, well...just people. Average, everyday people. (This should make you think, by the way, your circle is a specific slice of people.. It's like saying, well, all the people I go to swinger clubs with like swinging - well, gee, who could've guessed that.) Yes, to answer your question - I know a lot of monogamous couples who broke up, of course, we all do. And I know a small number (counted on one hand) of non-monogamous couples who are still together - I should not count 1 of them, because ironically, they were partners of other people, and met in a club, where they fell in love with each other, and left their original partners. Nice little segway to a potential risk, I might add. And there are the people who went into it, and it broke their then-relationships: That number is way higher than the first group. Vast majority of these people regret trying it. I am realistic, I am not saying they would have for sure stayed together if they never tried swinging, but that was the reason of the breakups. I don't know where to place the two couples I know who absolutely regret trying it, but stayed together - they have one thing in common: this often comes up during arguments they have because they completely misjudged their own comfort levels and the idea of being kinky blinded them to the reality of what it meant - now that's a great reward for the adventure they took if I ever saw one. And that's what I mean, there are just way too many risks involved. Of course, if both people are on the exact same page, it works for them.

Netcurtainnelly · 27/06/2026 17:03

Oh crap what a horrible thing for a friend to say to you.. Can never imagine a friend of mine talking about this. Just say no...... No good will come of it. How about a game of tennis or badminton instead?

RegretfulVaper · 27/06/2026 18:06

I have had swinging relationships. There is no way in hell I'd mix my swinging world with my regular world. Vanilla friends stay vanilla friends.

Your friend might have been testing the water with you, OP, or maybe she's just wanting to chat about her new hobby. Keep in mind the potential for friendship complications if it's the former.

Winterbolts · 27/06/2026 22:39

Again - Marriage as defined under God - is a covenant between the couple and church .

People will make excuses and reason anything so it works for them all the while applying their tweaked belief system as a way nothing is violated in the marriage . Bullshit .

Listen , go fuck who you want when you want .
Just understand that your marriage once broken will remain that way , period .

Swinging works for many people who are flat out bored or non committed physically to one another .

Nothing wrong with it , just understand that any couple engaging in swinging who are married - should not be married vs a couple non married ….as it’s a slap in the face of the marriage under god . Don’t care how anyone tries to spin it . I don’t .

if it works for some folks go have fun

TheWifesLad · 28/06/2026 07:08

I Googled this and the answer I got was:-
“There is no conclusive empirical evidence proving wife swapping inherently causes more divorces. Because it is a largely hidden community, large-scale, peer-reviewed statistical data is scarce. Instead, research and community discussions suggest outcomes depend primarily on a couple's existing relationship strength and their reasons for engaging in the lifestyle”.

exhaustDAD · 28/06/2026 08:52

TheWifesLad · 28/06/2026 07:08

I Googled this and the answer I got was:-
“There is no conclusive empirical evidence proving wife swapping inherently causes more divorces. Because it is a largely hidden community, large-scale, peer-reviewed statistical data is scarce. Instead, research and community discussions suggest outcomes depend primarily on a couple's existing relationship strength and their reasons for engaging in the lifestyle”.

Sounds like an AI summary - however, the main idea is in there, I think we all agree on them. I wouldn't say "strength", more like relationship type. The reasons - absolutely. Couple going into it because one of them wants to be adventurous and the other one gives in? Recipe for disaster. Couple going in because they view it as a lifeline to save their marriage? Recipe for disaster. Couple going into it who are clear about what it would mean and what rules they are both comfortable with - more likely, but even in this "strong" scenario there are still pitfalls and plenty of risks that make the shift potentially damaging ( For example: One of you realising this is too much, but at that point, it is too late, can't take it back. Unexpected jealousy - this is reported to be very high, in one stage or another - some people make it part of the experience, now that I just can't wrap my head around... Unexpected emotions - like your spouse developping feelings for someone else. Etc, etc.). All in all, I don't think whatever it offers is worth risking all the potential downsides.

AnonAnonmystery · 28/06/2026 09:04

Jealousy and unexpected feelings for someone else - it’s too much to risk really. How would you feel if you tell your husband and he would happily have sex with your friend? You will be opening Pandora’s box.

ohyesiseethatnow · 28/06/2026 12:02

She asked if you would ever consider it.

was she not just making conversation?

why did you say you’d have to think about it?

I don’t read it as her making any sort of invitation, just general conversation. But maybe I’m wrong.

id have just said no and moved on.

NameChangedForSexTopics · 28/06/2026 12:24

Winterbolts · 27/06/2026 22:39

Again - Marriage as defined under God - is a covenant between the couple and church .

People will make excuses and reason anything so it works for them all the while applying their tweaked belief system as a way nothing is violated in the marriage . Bullshit .

Listen , go fuck who you want when you want .
Just understand that your marriage once broken will remain that way , period .

Swinging works for many people who are flat out bored or non committed physically to one another .

Nothing wrong with it , just understand that any couple engaging in swinging who are married - should not be married vs a couple non married ….as it’s a slap in the face of the marriage under god . Don’t care how anyone tries to spin it . I don’t .

if it works for some folks go have fun

Edited

Most of us don't give a shiny shit about your god so give over with the attempted guilt trip.

NameChangedForSexTopics · 28/06/2026 15:55

My wife & I are swingers. We met through a swinging website over 10 years ago & have now been married for five years. We love it. We are quite choosy & only occasionally enjoy some fun. What we like is the kind of sex that we don't get at home e.g. 3somes, 4somes, moresomes & we both enjoy some same sex play too. We enjoy the social side & the chat as well as the sex. Through swinging we have met some lovely people who we now count as friends.

Sadcafe · 29/06/2026 19:47

I doubt your friend mentioned it just as an aside, if you are genuinely interested and think it could make your marriage better, why not, but if you have any doubts, politely decline

Maccar305 · 30/06/2026 14:12

OP, whether you do or don’t depends a lot on the kind of person you are and what you’re looking for as your relationship with your husband grows …. but one thing that lots of posters are confusing ( often with seemingly zero actual experience ) is how you can approach sex as fun and something that can be enjoyed with others that has nothing to do with your love and commitment to your life partner.

There is no place for jealousy or insecurity in swinging, just enjoying your own pleasures obviously, but taking a great pleasure in seeing your loved one enjoying themselves also, and so ultimately sharing this experience together.
My own experience of failed relationships that have dipped a toe into the swinging world is that there’s almost always something already wrong in their relationship and this was just either a desperate attempt to heal, or the straw that broke the camels back after the genie could no longer be put back in the bottle….
Of course swinging is a risk for some, and if you’re concerned about your relationship suffering, then it’s not for you ….

PaulRevere · 01/07/2026 06:53

Firstly, @exhaustDAD I'm curious as to how you know so much about the sex lives of your friends and acquaintances, and also the ins and outs of why they split or stayed together.

OP, your friend may have just been excited about their new hobby - it's not always easy to talk to people about these things. Or she might be angling for a foursome, although the general advice is to not muddy the waters with non-swinging friends 😂

I do think those that swing are unhappy with their sex lives but dress it up as something like “ our sex life was great but now it’s even more so”. I don’t buy it. - no flaming but this absolutely wasn't the case for me and my late boyfriend. We had sex just the two of us way more than the times we had sex with other people, that really was just the icing on the delicious cake.

As a person who can be jealous, I can honestly say that if I was there witnessing it, I was never jealous. The first time I saw my boyfriend go down on another woman was just about the hottest thing I've ever seen!

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