Husband upset that I bought a vibrator and masturbate alone

[Damnedrose]

I’m just over mid thirties, had an increase in libido recently. Been with DH for nearly 15 years. Increase in libido has led to me being a lot more adventurous with DH and he has said he really likes that. We’ve used a clitoral stimulator together. I recently bought a different vibrator which DH found. He has stopped talking to me as he feels I’m looking for something better since I’ve bought the vibrator and have been more adventurous (says its suspicious) and is annoyed I didn’t tell him about the vibrator (says the secrecy is a big part of his suspicions. I’m mind blown and don’t know where to go from this, he’s made me feel so ashamed for masturbating

He'll survive once he puts his male ego back in his pocket.

Well if he’s going to make you feel like that you could always go looking for something better… what a tool!

Ask if he ever wanks alone.
Is it the masturbation he doesn’t like or the accessory?
Buy him a Fleshlight
Hope he doesn’t like it better

To be fair, we do absolutely tear down a man if he does the same around here and buys a toy or something. I am not innocent, have done it myself, and yet I own a little bullet.

The way he reacts to it is a bit immature, truth be told. Would he ease up a bit if you played with it together?

What a shame! I love the idea of my wife wanking and regularly encouraged her to explore on her own.
We also jointly researched and bought her toys so, perhaps. next time invoklve him?

He said he’s not bothered by the masturbation or the toy, he’s bothered by the ‘secrecy’.

You don't have to tell him you touch yourself. He's had his ego bruised and is being a dick

I agree with your husband that the secrecy is a bit weird. But him giving you the silent treatment and saying you bought it because you're looking for something better is odd too. Surely he knows that a piece of plastic or metal isn't going to replace him 😇

I think it's worth being mindful of not making your partner uncomfortable. In my case, that means choosing toys that don't look realistic. It's not something he's ever asked me to do, but when I show him a few toys I'm considering buying, he consistently prefers the less realistic ones 😁

A sudden increase in libido and secrecy around buying toys would make me suspicious too 🤷🏼‍♀️

Suspicious of what though?

Private is different to secret... we are all entitled to privacy around our bodies/ masturbating etc.

He's butt hurt because you've done something that reminds him that your sexuality doesn't belong to him. Ignore him, he'll get over it.

The male ego is a terrible thing. Combine that with a knee-jerk reaction to something that you shouldn't really kick off about and you have a self made trap that it's difficult to back out of.

He may now be thinking that his reaction was OTT, but now he can't work out how acknowledge that without losing face.

We (men) need to be able to say, "Sorry, I over reacted and was behaving like a dick and I apologise." It's surprising how hard we find it, until we DO it, then we realise that it's not actually that hard and there's everylikelyhood that our apology will be accepted, then we can get back to banging each others brains out in bed.

Sitting room
Lights on
Curtains open

New husband time 👋😆

You’re being private not secret. He’s upset you didn’t ask his permission to buy a new toy, when in reality it’s nothing to do with him.

Why did you buy it and not tell him or discuss other vibrators with him?

This isn't a question about sex toys or maturation. It's about trust and communication.
If you're being more adventurous and your DH likes that, why did you decide not to tell him? This is not privacy, it's secrecy. And secrets undermine relationships.

You can't control his emotions, but you can control your own actions. As a couple, you are in a less than ideal situation - you can expect him to suck it up, or wait for him make a conciliatory move, but you could be waiting for ever. Or you could make a positive decision to do something yourself that moves you both towards resolving the conflict and a stronger marriage. That could be as simple as saying "I can see you're hurt, can we talk about how this happened."

You chose to buy a vibrator. Things didn't work out as you hoped.
What are you going to chose next?

@Damnedrose, some of these comments are extraordinary….. you are absolutely entitled to explore your own sexual experiences and desires in privacy, and if there’s anything you’d want to share with him later, then that’s how things are in a mature relationship. I’m M, ( not that it matters here really) and I absolutely would expect my partner to be having fun on her own ….. and that may enhance our sexual relationship as well. I love it when my long-standing partner directs me to try new ways that she now prefers, as her tastes change over time. She, and you, will only find out what’s changing if you play on your own sometimes…..
….. and if you like what you discover about yourself, there’s a fair chance you’ll both benefit 😉
Go enjoy yourself!

Do you have the right and freedom to masturbate? YES.
Should you be able to buy a toy for your own pleasure? YES
Does he react like a teenage boy? YES
Should he grow a pair and get over it? YES
Did you do anything wrong? Not really.

But would you feel hurt or like you are not enough if you found a toy of a realistic vagina? Probably Yes.
I don't know why we choose to look at men masturbating or using toys as disgusting while we empower ourselves with toys. I don't have the answer, I feel the same, but I know I shouldn't. (There is a lot to be said about men who are addicted to porn, that's different)

You are entitled to a little privacy even in a relationship, tell him to grow up.

The husband is feeling left out. Include him and all will be fine.

Well at least I’m glad to see it’s not just us who don’t agree about this. For everyone asking why I didn’t involve him, why would I when it was a solo act, involving him would defeat the purpose. I don’t involve him in any of the purchases I make unless it’s something big/expensive. I don’t see how this is any different. Seems the biggest difference in opinion is down to people viewing it as secret or private. I suppose that’s what I’m struggling to understand, I have no desire to know when he masturbates/what he uses and would find it really strange if he told me. I’d also expect him to go and do it in private (secret to him and some others on here) and not next to me on the sofa.

I have to say, I don't necessarily see the angle of involving him. I mean, you could, sure, play together with a toy, but if we are strictly talking about alone time, I don't think that should be a problem.

It is an interesting debate, because technically, there's nothing to ask permission for here, nothing you'd have to check in with him. I think it's just an awkward duality of the situation - no reason to involve him in the decision of getting one, but at the same time, by nature of him not knowing about it, it just creates this feeling of being secretive, hiding something.

I think the solution is somewhere in between the two different sides: If he is aware that you have a toy in the house, tucked away in your drawers, it's still something that is yours only, you use it when you feel like it alone, but he wouldn't get the surprise in case he sees it one way or another - Don't know, looking for socks, or something. There would be a significant difference between him knowing what is in the box and literally just keep doing what he was doing, not taking a second look, versus him bumping into something he has no idea about... And just to reiterate, this is not about "reporting", just...clarity? Just trying to see what could work in your situation.

Wow. Would be overdoing it a bit, don't you think?