Is it wrong to imagine my ex?

[Thoughtlife]

I've been with my partner 2 years. We're both early 50s.

In bed, and in life, he's very gentle, and kind, and caring. We make love and it's great fun. He's a very giving man. I love him very much.

I've mentioned a couple of times that sometimes I would love to have sex outside the bedroom. I've also told him that sometimes I just want to be thrust into the bed like there's no tomorrow. Or have no foreplay and just get straight on with penetration.

I've tried initiating this where I can.

He can't maintain an erection outside the bedroom, and will always end up leading me to the bedroom if I start things in the front room. If I insist we stay put, then he'll happily give me a good time, but there's only so much a girl can do with a flaccid penis. He can't get erect quick enough to have sex without foreplay. He's on daily pills to help with his erection.

In bed, I've told him to go harder, faster, he smiles and does speed up a little bit for a few thrusts, but then it's back to gentle lovemaking.

X and I used to fuck as well as make love. I miss the rawness and dirtyness of fucking. I miss the immediacy of Xs erection that was always good to go (and was 9 years older than partners). I miss being occasionally pounded into the bed.

I now find myself in the awful position of imagining X wanking in the corner of the room, getting off watching me with my partner. It's only when I imagine him watching that I orgasm. I feel terrible for this, but it's adding the extra element to what I feel is missing for me.

Am I wrong to do so? I'm not a name user during sex, so there's no risk of saying the Xs name. But I feel so bad thinking of X whilst in bed with my partner.

Any ideas to fix this, or should I just chill?

If his knob’s not up to the job would he be up for giving you a hard-and-fast something with toys?

I hate to say it but remembering an ex’s talents was one of many warning signs to leave my marriage that I ignored.

You've only been together 2 years, if he's not what you want, let him go. Life's too short to put up with rubbish sex if you don't have to.

Am I wrong to do so? I'm not a name user during sex, so there's no risk of saying the Xs name. But I feel so bad thinking of X whilst in bed with my partner.

Are you OK with your partner thinking of his exes and only being able to orgasm when he does so?

I think you should just chill and not worry about what you are thinking.
I imagine loads of filth when I'm having sex with the man I love including that fella wanking in the corner. I have a different fella who's cock I suck in my head when I'm doing other things.
I'm never saying that out loud!

Is imagining other men the only way you can orgasm?

@AtYourPleasure
No.

This is the line oft trotted out that's a load of rubbish.

At this point in life, decent sex is important, but there are other things that are far more important in life.

He is everything I want in life. His penis has aged, like the rest of him, like I have, like you will.

The 99% that's great with him is worth the putting up with the 1% that isn't.

That's a very fair point. Thank you.

I think my thought life needs to wander elsewhere. I'll have no problem with that.

He will suggest getting out one of my toys if things aren't working for him.

He likes to watch me when I do, which is fine with me.

He rarely joins in as he doesn't want to hurt me. He doesn't trust he won't, given the way I use it in front of him. He's not sure he can replicate, so leaves it to me.

I think my thought life needs to wander elsewhere. I'll have no problem with that.

Apologies, I'm not following this comment.

I mean I need to stop thinking of my ex and find something else to imagine that gets me over the line.

Imagining yourself in your partner's position is always going to be a useful exercise in situations like this.

At one end of the spectrum is your partner doing something for you which actively makes him uncomfortable (if he leaves you to it, if he leaves the room, that sounds likely) but he does for you / to you because you like it.
At the other end, you are not having all the sex you want.
If it's one person being uncomfortable vs the other not getting what they want, I think most people side with the latter.

Have you explored why your partner doesn't want forceful sex? Have you discussed why you do?

If you're thinking about your ex in order to reach orgasm, that doesn't speak well of you and your partner's connection when you're having sex. Maybe you could look into finding a way to have sex that isn't forceful, but ticks that box for you. Maybe something like tie and tease? Obviously that might be equally challenging for him, or it might not.
But being dissatisfied with his potency isn't going to resolve it.

I imagine an ex so not to come.
Anyway, you want spontaneity and the pounding but it is secondary to the happy 99% you have. I think that’s your answer

I see I hit a nerve. I'm a lot younger than you so sex is still a vital part of a committed, loving relationship for me. I can't see that changing to be honest. If it's a load of rubbish why are you so bothered enough to make a thread about it then? You only want opinions supporting your viewpoint, so why bother asking? Or maybe you just wrote your over the top sexual OP to offload your fantasies about your ex.

Not hit a nerve. I think your youth means you've misread my post @SquirrelNutss

Sex is a vital part of our relationship, and if that changed for a reason that wasn't a health one, then I'd end things.

As you're a lot younger, maybe one day you'll grow up to recognise that mind blowing amazing sex falls down the priority list in a relationship where everything else is working so well.

It's ok. You're little and inexperienced. I hope you've got potential to grow and learn what a good relationship looks like.

I'm thankful he'll never do something which he felt uncomfortable with @mnmnddddd . I would hate it if he did.

I didn't say he leaves me to it, I said he leaves it to me. He stays next to me and finds it really hot watching me enjoy my vibe. It took him 18 months to feel comfortable to ask me.

We've not "explored" our differences as such. Nothing to explore really. He likes to always take his time. This shows in his (lack of) erection. I don't always like to take my time. Everyone has their own likes.

I can't stand being teased. I find it a real turn off. Being tied up is for oral for both of us. Neither enjoy it for penetration.

I think I've concluded he has a very traditional view of sex, and that's impacted on how he is when things are getting hot.

(Trigger warning)

I’m going to be very jaded here, because the man who was forever saying he couldn’t contemplate doing xyz because he’d fear hurting/harming me was the only one, in decades of being with men with various proclivities, was the one who eventually raped me. we had agreed to use condoms, we’re not using other contraception, and he removed it without telling me, later claiming it was making the ED worse. He had just been a selfish, uncaring arse all along.

There are some sexual acts that compromise the other partners’ physical comfort or dignity. I actively dislike the taste of semen for example. I wouldn’t feel offended if a man didn’t want to give me oral for similar reasons. But decline to fuck me with an accessory at this speed and pressure?! That’s just lazy, “I have no interest in learning you and your desires.”

I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you @NinaOakley I hope you've been able to make your peace with what he did to you.

As for the last sentence of your post, I can't agree.

I imagine for him that it's like when I was trying to give my kids COVID tests up their noses. I would have preferred not to put something inside their body, as I didn't know if I was accidentally hurting them or not, and I'd only know when they winced.

nobody pretends things like Covid tests are supposed to be comfortable or even pleasurable though. They are discomforts we have to put up with for our health/for social responsibility. Kids might well protest the dentist or other medical procedures. (And it’s no fun for the parents either, but it’s important enough to insist on.)

The conversation about sexual preferences ought to go:

”There are times when I really value sex being hard and fast like demo with a dildo

”Gosh, that looks a bit aggressive, I’m scared of hurting you and my dick really isn’t up to it!”

”tinkly laugh (this is Mumsnet after all!) Oh Roger, you are such a sweetie, but sometimes it’s just what this girl needs! Here!” (Takes his hand and guides it onto aforementioned dildo) “it’s in all the way up to the terminal ridges and not hurting me at all! You can feel how wet and excited I am! Go on, give it a try!”

Roger, being eager to please in spite of his apprehension, takes the terminal ridges of the dildo and attempts sliding it back and forth carefully. His lady lays back and shuts her eyes, squirming contentedly.

”That’s nice, but you can go harder and faster, really take my breath away!”

”Is this better?” Roger asks, with a little more force.

”Better but I can take more! Give is a slight twist at the end of every thrust and tell me you are going to turn my cervix inside out by the time you’re done!”

Bloody Hell! Thinks Roger, but, because he loves her and is paying attention-he starts pounding and she lies back to savour his efforts!

“Oh, that’s lovely!” she says, “give my clitoris a pinch with the other hand and I’ll be there!”

…

”NO clitoris you idiot!” She shouts at him.

”Sorry!” Roger mumbles, horrified he’s killed the moment, “remind me?!

He accepts the correction without sulking and finishes the job in hand, the sense of accomplishment and her genuine appreciation swelling his dick ready for round to.

It’s the little boy ego that can’t take making a mistake that ruins good sex and good communication. Real men are scholars of their partner’s bodies.

Sorry, that should be two!

just chill

harmless , you could just as well be thinking of Brad, George, (insert hot male)

I think most people would agree that if you have to think of an ex/someone else to enjoy sex and orgasm from it, there is indeed a bit of an issue.

I guess for some people, the person you are with is irrelevant as long as you've got a hole to put it in or something to put in yours.

You should become a published author @NinaOakley . The tinkly laugh was a particular highlight. Thank you for the time you put into that post.

We had several versions of your conversation when I first got my vibe out in front of him. Even seeing it, he was quite giggly and uncomfortable. I had to get him used to my toy coming out occasionally. Which is why him asking me to get the toy out feels like a win in itself.

There's only so many times you can say "harder and faster" in the moment before you sound rude. The solution I found was to put my hand over his hand. He'd remove his hand the faster I got, as that made him uncomfortable. He also discovered he loves watching me have fun alone.

I'd debrief him afterwards about how enjoyable it was and that the next time he should leave his hand on. I emphasized how I wasn't hurt and how much I love the pace and depth.

The next time the vibe came out he was again gentle if left alone, and so we'd go round the cycle again. This happened quite a few times and things haven't yet changed. He can't move past the worry he'll hurt me.

His ex wife never used a vibe in front of him, and would never have suggested it. From what I can glean, their sex life was very limited, then stopped about 5 years into their 20 year marriage.

He's from a very traditional Christian household, so I think there's an element of that in his brain too.

In our early days, he'd lose his erection if he had a fleeting thought about work. Thankful that no longer happens, but it does feels like I'm taking him on a journey with his sex life.

His face when I first told him I wanted him to tie my hands up...now that is a picture I still remember... 🤣

There’s nothing wrong with thinking about whomever or whatever you want during sex. Probably best not to vocalise your thoughts, but crack on with whatever fantasies you want in your head.

You do sound a bit incompatible sexually though. It’s always best when your partner is as enthusiastic as you. But everyone is different, and it sounds as if that’s low on your list of relationship priorities.

He sounds a bit like an ex of mine - couldn't maintain an erection unless he wore my knickers. 🙄

I wonder if he was like this with his ex & that's why the sex stopped? 🤔