Can women enjoy casual sex without wanting bonding or commitment?

[MrRee]

I’ve been reading up on oxytocin – how for women sexual intimacy releases the hormone oxytocin, leading to a desire for bonding and commitment. And how for men, sex is easier to separate from bonding and commitment because the oxytocin effect isn’t the same.

I’m wary of generalisations, but this seems generally true, and fits with my own experience down the years (50s m).

My question is: what’s happening when women have a casual fling? Are they secretly hoping for bonding and commitment (so in effect kidding themselves if they say they aren’t)? Or are some women’s sex drives more like men’s, able to enjoy intimacy without a strong oxytocin effect?

Any thoughts appreciated!

Well we’re not all the same, but casual sex wouldn’t work for me.

It’s not for me. I read somewhere that about 11% of women who have a casual encounter climax on said encounter. No thank you—the juice is not worth the squeeze.

I've had some great ONSs where i expected or wanted nothing more from them beside one night.

I've had some crappy ONSs where I expected or wanted nothing more from them beside one night.

I've had a few nights with a few men where i wanted it for a short season.

So my answer to your question is hell yes.

For people of either sex and all sexualities, there are those who view sex as recreation and like badminton or golf, if the person they usually play with is unavailable, they will happily play with a substitute.
Similarly, for those who crave intimacy with the one person they love, no alternative will ever be acceptable.

Can women enjoy casual sex without wanting bonding or commitment?
There are a few posting on the Bi Thread that are hoping it is possible.

Women who enjoy casual sex with no strings attached are very confident in their needs and in their persona so to speak.
To be able to just go and get it like a commodity at a grocery store … and move on … that’s a woman.
And any man that says she is a whore for doing it like that , well they are just jealous they can’t get it like that as it takes a lot of work to
get many different women in bed unless you are some rich, athletic model dude.
I respect women who can have casual sex with no attachment like most
men would want to do

I wonder if you’re reading (literally) too much into the adult relational affects of Oxytocin @MrRee. Therapeutically, its use is quite specific, as many of the ladies here will know.
There is certainly a lot of research into its, and related hormones, link to “bonding” but that is primarily focused on the mother and baby rather than any measurable effect on relationships between adults.

My personal experience over many years, having fwb type relationships, is that each one is so different. The line between a close fwb and “falling for your fwb” can be a thin one, and certainly one I’ve always considered carefully as the fwb relationship develops. Whilst I have always cared for a fwb, I have never “fallen” for one. I’m afraid one or two fwbs did end when she became too dependent or emotionally attached.
On reflection, I never saw it coming so perhaps part of the issue here is both parties being continually “on the same hymn sheet.” People change over time, so perhaps fwbs will always be transitory.

Hope that ramble helps to answer your original question!!

I absolutely can. I’ve had multiple casual partners over the years without developing feelings for them. I had one particular FWB thing going on for 4 years and when he did something that really pissed me off I ended it and walked away without a backward glance,

Of course they can. Everybody might not but yes absolutely.

I can’t do it (female, early 50’s). I have to really think about it lot about someone (even be in love with them) and fancy them like crazy before I could sleep with them. I’ve always been like that - hence why I’m by myself 😂

Yes.

Next question 😁

Lots of casuals during my wild days in the 80’s so yes, fair few long time lovers since during which I stayed committed, mostly.
Sex drive wains as you get older but could I enjoy a ONS without feeling committed now at 62?
If I felt right about it absolutely

I swing with my partner and enjoy sex with lots of other men. The sex is varied , sometimes amazing, sometimes disappointing, it's totally different with my husband !

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

TBH my main reason for asking is a slight sense of guilt. I'm wanting to explore something casual, as I don't want long term and serious at the moment. I'm quite new to the idea, as I didn't date much before marriage. But I worry it would be taking advantage – if women are not wired in the same way for something casual. Hence reading up on oxytocin.

I'm probably overthinking! I guess I should just see if I can find a woman who is up for something casual too – as some of you clearly are.

Conversation and consent are key. Make it clear you are only in it for fun or the short haul, and if the other person catches feelings even though you've been honest and upfront that isn't your issue to worry about. You are within your rights to end a FWB situation that you feel is crossing a line, and the women you will be dating are all grown ups who can take care of their own feelings.

The short answer is yes, very much yes, but there is a counter side.

Upbringing, sexism and culture tend to teach us that “naice” girls don’t. Those who do may risk unwanted pregnancy and name calling, including from other women. I’ve been called names on MN and another long defunct forum in the past. Sex till seen by many as something a woman gives to a man; misogyny is not dead.

Add to that a number of men who have no regard for respect or the needs of the woman they are with. Spelling clitoris would be too much for some let alone finding one. The whole oxytocin concept is probably male created anyway.

IME they certainly can. I've had a number of casual meetings with women and ONS and they certainly can be wild and uninhibited without the need for romance and bonding.
I have to admit most were married though and in poor relationships.

When I was having casual encounters when younger I think I hoped some lead somewhere.

My vagina would clamp shut if it was casual sex. No way could I do it.

Hmm...I'm a bit wary of the gender stereotyping on this one - I think things can work both ways for either gender, more than we'd think. Definitely had a few experiences myself during my 20s catching feelings and having mismatched expectations of looking for a relationship when really they were only looking for a short term fling. I think some people, whatever the gender are more suited to playing the field than others, and there probably is a degree of emotional maturity required in being completely clear with the other person what you're looking for.

Reading the various threads on FWB set ups, looks like an emotional minefield with someone often getting more emotionally involved than the other party. But fair play to those who make it work whilst being honest and upfront with everyone.

Lots of ONS/casual sex in my younger days, and never wanted or expected anything more. Quite honestly, really miss a ONS 🤭

Yes, but for me it’s knowing that from the outset. I had a FwB type setup in my 20s that was only about fulfilling our mutual sexual needs/desires. It was some of the best sex I’ve ever had and it was never going to be a traditional relationship for many reasons.

The analogy made me laugh.
As long as you don’t get paired with someone significantly higher or lower on the ladder.

After my divorce I had a friends with benefit. I definitely did not want more. I had no intention of making him my partner although we did go on a couple of date type things because we enjoyed th same hobby. He got offended when I told him I only wanted sex…. So I suppose it can happen the other way around

I would have to really fancy someone and have chemistry to have a FWB situation and it’s only ever happened once with me.