I’ve never felt sexy?

[Fuchvyghfdmu5464]

Just that really. Never felt sexy because I just don’t think my figure ‘fits’, and I highly doubt it can be a turn on for my boyfriend, although he obviously would never say anything.

And please don’t come at with ‘sexiness is in the mind/an attitude’ - we all know that physical appearance does play a large part, and that’s just human nature. I would like my DP to like how I look, and I don’t think that’s a crime.

I grew up in the late 90s/00s, at the height of the lollipop (big boobs, straight hips, skinny legs) body shape era, full of lads mags and Page 3. I’m the opposite of that - I’m thin, tiny waist/flat tummy (no, not a humble brag), but small breasts and wide hips relative to my frame. So I just have always felt like the polar opposite of the ‘sexy’ girl.

I wasn’t silly enough to believe that no man would ever fancy me, but I was careful of who I dated because I didn’t want to ever be a last choice or just used.

Anyway, all of that was just to say that I don’t feel sexy like most women, I imagine, do with their DP/DH. I just feel pathetic and silly ‘dressing up’ in nice lingerie for him, because I don’t have a proper cleavage (a big draw for most men) and it seems lingerie is made to enhance boobs… my bf has asked me to wear ‘something nice’ but I just don’t feel it 😌

Anyone been in the same boat?

It's a shame you feel like that, I'm 62 have a mastectomy, met a new man, great sex life and he makes me feel so sexy and desired, it's wonderful.

Good for you - that’s how a man should make you feel. Also great that you’re well since you’ve had a mastectomy.

I think you just have to understand that there are lots of different men who have different views of what is sexy. I, for one, find flat stomachs incredibly sexy and prefer small boobs to big ones - and I'm not at all unusual. You sound as if you have a picture in your head of what a stereotypically sexy woman looks like and you're constantly judging yourself against that benchmark. But we're all different (thank goodness) and we all like different things

I’m 51, been with DP almost 5 years and he still makes me feel sexy and desired. He even tells me I am sexy when he touches me.

I do have a stereotype in my head, yes - it comes from what I saw around me growing up.

I hope my DP is honest with me when he says I’m beautiful etc and isn’t just white lying so I’m not hurt.

Thanks for your reply

Believe your DP and you will start to feel more confident and sexy yourself. Say to yourself, I am sexy, he wants me for how and who I am.

I’ve sort of tried thinking this way but I just can’t seem to buy into it. I just have it so ingrained in my mind that sexy must mean cleavage.

Another M here that prefers small and petite. Curvy just doesn't do it for me or big boobs.

Thank you for weighing in. Good to know that you guys are out there 😂

I’ve never fit the stereotype either (short and fat here,) but the right man finds that exciting, the same will be true for you. Have you told your boyfriend how unsexy/unconfident you feel? Does he know you need building up? Would it help if he bought you “something nice” to wear? Do you find him especially sexy and tell him so?

He knows I don’t like my breasts but I don’t really discuss it with him as such because it just feels like fishing for compliments and reassurance, and he’ll feel obligated to tell white lies anyway…

I’m short too but don’t see that as a flaw; lots of men like small women.

You describe yourself as overweight, but that’s not like breast size; you can lose weight if you want to. Breast size can only be changed with surgery.

it just feels like fishing for compliments and reassurance, and he’ll feel obligated to tell white lies anyway…

It sounds as though your self-image is in a no-win situation.

Why not assume he is telling the truth?

Because sometimes people do tell white lies in life. Particularly when they care about the person being addressed.

And if he did find you sexy, how should he express this?

I don’t know? Just by being honest? But I just struggle to believe that many men could see me as sexy

Can you not see how it’s impossible for someone who absolutely finds you sexy to make you understand this, and therefore the problem is in your own self-image?

Rationally I can see what you mean, but it’s difficult to change fixed beliefs you’ve had about yourself for most of your life. Not impossible, but just not like a switch that I can flip.

Of course. But what concrete steps are you taking to change them?

By the way, wide hips are very sexy!

I don’t think there is a magic formula to change how you feel? I think it has to change organically with time.

I hope wide hips are attractive but I never thought men noticed them, not like breasts. Lads mags and Page 3 models, which were what I was surrounded with as the beauty standard growing up, were always just straight, no hips, with large breasts.

Thanks for your replies though!

Or with therapy? You feel your DP is lying to you, even though rationally you know this comes from within you. Isn’t that worth fixing just as you would fix a physical ailment by going to a doctor?

Lads in the 1990s noticed what lads’ magazines shoved in their faces. Those lads have now grown up and formed their own opinions of what they find attractive.

That’s a good point. I hadn’t ruled out changing my body with surgery, but I also haven’t planned it for anytime soon. I’m not sure I need to pay for therapy - I’m not opposed to it per se, but I don’t have a psychological disorder that warrant treatment,

Psychotherapists don't treat patients with psychological disorders (that's what clinical psychologists and psychiatrists do) - they help people who are finding something tough, can't see a way out, and are seeking to address that with the help of someone who understands how to refame your thoughts and experiences.

Your BF is in an untenable position - you're assuming he doesn't like you AND that he's is a liar. If he is aware of that, or becomes aware of it, that could easily undermine your relationship, given time. If you split up, what you've said suggests you would put that down to him not finding you sexy rather than you not trusting him. He can't win and nor can you.
You are in a vicious circle and the easiest way to deal with that is with something like counselling.

And remember, you have the advantage that smaller boobs won't sag when you're older!

(M50+, grew up on ladz mags, Page 3 and Mayfair. I've always actively preferred smaller boobs, and would generally be less inclined to strike up a conversation with someone who flashes her tits at me. Confidence is 100 times sexier thant clevage.)

@Fuchvyghfdmu5464 I have been where you are with my previous partner. I have small breasts too but do get bigger when I’ve put on weight and my previous partner would make comments about my weight and I felt uncomfortable and definitely not sexy.
I lost 20kg during covid time and met my new partner a year later. I’ve since put 10kg back on and he still says I’m sexy but I feel fat. But I am not thinking about it and only thinking about what he has said to me. I’m 5’11” so can get away with extra weight.
None of my previous 2 LT partners ever used the word sexy with me.

Thank you, but confidence is a psychological trait not a physical one. I am not saying this is your case, but there are some men (and women men) who will say, “oh you can ‘compensate’ for small boobs with personality”. Oh gosh, thank you so much - it’s so nice to know I’m so physically unappealing that I need to compensate with personality. 💁🏼‍♀️

I’ve been called sexy by the men I’ve dated, and a few others, although as I wrote in my post I never really believe that.

Your ex sounds problematic with his weight comments. You were right to ditch that…