Relationship masturbation etiquet

[Bingbingbongboo]

Name changed as not normally one for the sex forum. For context, married, 2 kids under 10.

Happily married for 15 years. Think our sex life is pretty normal. Once a week max but occasionally when busy lives more like once a month.

Last week husband had taken kids to school and run home. When he returned he went for a shower. I took some washing upstairs as he was gettimg dry and noticed he had an erection. This idnt unusual particularly if he showets first thing.

However, to my shock he asked if i would help him sort it out. Thought he was trying his luck so i smiled and said no. However when i said no he asked if he could have 2 minutes to sort himself out. He had never done this before. I said 'oh ok' and left but obviously looked shocked.

He asked me later what the etiquet was for this. He said he would like to masturbate more (but would rather have sex if i were up for it more) . However he said either me or the kids are always around so he never gets chance. I even walk in to brush teeth when he is in shower . He asked if id mind if he occasionally did it before bed or in shower and i just left him to it.

Is this normal ? How do others approavh this. To be fair due to busy lives he doesnt get much me time. Am i just a prude?

Typical man he even told me its good for him so he should do it more. Men and their willys!

Why didn't you help him out. When our kids are around we regularly play with other quietly when in bed?

I think the only bit that's unusual is that he asked you if it was OK. I'd suspect that most men (and plenty of women) who are only having sex once a week would be masturbating.
If you're not ok with it, I'd say that's a problem.

Its biology. Anyone can do the research. It is physically healthy for men to release the sperm. Its also mentally healthy (for both sexes) to do that with a partner. That he needs to ask you is indeed weird. Have you made a fuss about him masturbating before?
My late husband would masturbate if it was longer than 3 or 4 days between sexual engagements. I wouldn't, but I also didn't need to as I don't produce a build up of anything. Rather than saying "Men and their willys!" Maybe try be more understanding and less self-centered.
I would say you may be bit of a prude and should say yes more if there are opportunities around kids, chores etc.

No, it's not normal to have to ask your DP for permission to masturbate.

That’s really odd he is asking for permission to masturbate. Of course he can, as much as he likes. Maybe you need to let him shower in peace as sounds like he gets no quiet time to masturbate and clearly once a week sex isn’t enough (let’s face it, most men ejaculate more than once a week).

Do you enjoy sex? That sounded to me like you had the perfect opportunity of an empty house during the day, yet you declined. I wonder why?

It sounds like you've got a good relationship where he can say how he's feeling. I'm sad for him though that he's even having to ask where he can have enough time by himself to masturbate in his own home - after 15 years that should have been sorted out a while back.

Healthy men need to ejaculate. He's clearly articulating that'd he'd rather do that with you than alone. You've said he'd rather have more sex, so he's already compromising his sex life for you there. I'd give him the space and time he asks for to masturbate.

And the washing is NEVER that important!

I think there is a degree of eroticism here in asking !
Most men masturbate as indeed many women do , by asking he is saying he would really like more physical contact , I think given the circumstances and the house being child free perhaps on reflection you could have made more effort.
From a man’s point of view I would find it very arousing and erotic if my wife said going forward I need to mastrubate more !

From a positive point of view, he's attempting to be more comfortable talking about your sex life with you. But your reaction will have definitely blown his confidence there. It should be far better for both of you if you can easily have conversations around sex but it sounds like you struggle maybe? Looking shocked really won't help. I would take the opportunity later to have a conversation with him about what you both want. I would say once a week is low, let alone once a month. Making time for each others needs is super important. For context we have 3 small kids and will make time 2-3 times a week

I am a married man in my 40s. My body genuinely feels like it needs to ejaculate several times per week, or things start feeling weird and uncomfortable. (Studies say it also reduces risk of prostate cancer.) Sometimes I'm not even mentally turned on but physically need to sort it out. But often it's compounded by still finding my wife hot and getting turned on by seeing her around the house. She generally wants sex once per week, so I discreetly take care of things on my own the rest of the time (she's never "caught" me.) I'd say 75-80 per cent of my "sex life" has been solo in the last 10 years. It would be great if she wanted to be involved more often (but I would never want to pressure her of course.)

Unless you are in some sort of permission based fetish thing, which from your post you aren't, then yes this is a bit unusual.

Me and DH both do it, its not something we talk about, just know it happens. Never been a taboo to us

Thanks for the posts. Im aware im not the most sexual but have very busy life and generally feel less up for it when doing mum stuff.

Its not the fact he masturbates that bothers me. I do too but much more rarely than he does. Its the fact he didnt conceal it at all that was weird.

He was kind of like ' give me space to get on with this' accepting i was in the house. It seems most posters keep this private from partners.

He works 50 to 60 hour weeks so a lot of the time when he is home me/kids/both are around. He said he would prefer to be free to do it in comfort rather than hiding in the bathroom.

This was the bit that was weird for me. He didnt want me to watch or see so wasnt being very exhibitionist i think

Do you want to watch?

Sounds really sad that he doesn't feel able to just do it. Just give him the space to "sort himself out".

It sounds like he's just asking for some privacy, which sounds reasonable to me. Maybe you could make a rule that people don't just walk into the bathroom when someone else is in there, if that could work.

I think everyone needs some privacy and their own time in general and a bit of their own space. In this situation, as it has been raised, it is definitely worth a discussion and talk through it as it is a very normal thing for couples to do, whether they do it in private or are more open about it.

In our particular relationship we talk about it as we both generally like to masturbate frequently on our own and have done since we got together, although my husband actually hasn't being doing it last year or so due to some medication he is taking that can affect his libido.

For me I still feel I need to masturbate regularly and actually like doing it. My husband knows and it is a turn on for him knowing this. Most of the time I do it when he is not around but have privacy in the shower if needed and if I said to him that 'I just need 10 minutes on my own upstairs' he will get the idea.

If I were in your position OP, and I work 50-60hrs too running multiple businesses around 3 kids, I would do the un-sexy thing of scheduling an early night on at least 1 evening a week. Anyone regardless of how busy can make this 'sacrifice' in their weekly life, for each other. If you're too knackered maybe suggest he does his thing alongside you, so you at least make him feel more comfortable around you. A few years ago we were both like you and nobody discussed sorting ourselves out, I even assumed my DW didn't and had no interest but one night we just did it together and now it's easy when required. We still don't actively talk about it and both still sort ourselves in private, but we do at least have an option of not needing to hide away if we can't be bothered for the full thing.
Obviously you don't need to do anything you don't want to, but from your post I would say you definitely do need to up the communication a bit, he's made the first move by trying to open up a bit more with you, which is generally a good thing

I don't know @Bingbingbongboo , my first thought is that he is comfortable with you enough to open up and talk about this topic, instead of doing what a lot of adults do, and act like a shy teenager and pretend that it is just not a thing that happens at times. I'd say that is a good thing. He didn't wake you up by doing it next to you in your bed (there was a disturbing thread about this a week or two ago, yikes)... Another thing I got from this is that he would just like some privacy... He is not making you feel guilty or forcing you to do something you don't want to do, so I see no harm in this. Busy lives here or there, for some people, being busy makes it hard for them to switch off and get in the mood, for others it is the exact opposite - the actual release and escape from said busy life. Nothing wrong there.

It's good he wants to talk about it. Maybe just start knocking before going into the bathroom or put a lock on if you don't want to engage further.

This was the bit that was weird for me. He didnt want me to watch or see so wasnt being very exhibitionist i think

He didn't want you to watch him, he wanted you to join in and have sex with him. He literally asked you to, according to your op. And you said no, which must've been a rather crushing rejection in that scenario. He respected your decision and merely asked for a bit of privacy since you made it clear that you didn't want to partake. Sorry, but it sounds like you're completely detuned to his sexuality.

Sounds like he really wants more connection with you and is being respectful when you say no to being physical with him. Be gentle in your rejection if you aren't in the mood and try to find some excitement/ pleasure in the fact he's able to be to open and unguarded with you, or at the very least give him some privacy and don't make him feel like he's doing something wrong.

I have a busy life, two young children, busy job and all the child/house/life admin, we have sex at least once a day usually twice.

Im in my 40s btw

Im not saying its a competition, but trying to give you a bit of food for thought.

Does he not help you enough around the house or with the kids, do you resent the load you carry. This is what I have found leads to a dwindling sex drive, not being busy.
Do you feel appreciated/loved or taken for granted? Do you desire him?
If you only have sex once a month is there other intimacy there, foreplay etc do you hug and kiss etc?

We work as a team, DP does lots around the house he is the cook and does the shopping lists/food shopping and does lots with the kids.

Every parent is tired....find me one who isnt! But I love the bones of him and he tries to lessen my load and I lessen his, so I am still attracted to him and desire him.

Him walking around with an erection would turn me on 😂🙈

You sound like you were shocked by him asking for a hand? Did you not play about before children? Understand it is more difficult with young children yes but surely they go to bed at some point?!

Once a month is madness in my opinion, in which case of course he is masturbating! I understand menopause can play havoc with your sex drive, have you had a full blood count ti check thyroid, iron, vit d, hormones etc to rule anytging out?

Are u happy with once a month?!

Ok - I asked AI an opinion on this in the hope that it would be the font of eternal wisdom.

It said from online searches that relationships fall into three categories regarding masturbation:

1. The fully open e.g. Will tell you when about to/has masturbated. Will masturbate next to partner when the other not interested in sex etc.
2. The accepting - knows partner does it but its kept private and not mentioned much.
3. The uncompromising - I don't expect my partner to masturbate.

I imagined most people really fitted in to group 2 and just accepted but didn't discuss. Out of interest - are there many people out there who can honestly tell their partner when they have the urge and just go and do it?

There might be many but I'm not one of them.

That is indeed conclusive proof AI is the font of eternal wisdom. 🤯
I've been in group 1 with more than one partner, group 2 with fewer partners, and can't imagine getting on with a group 3 person well enough to have them as a partner.

Or you could ask AI for help with your sex drive 🤷‍♀️