Are bi women and a bi men not equal?

[exhaustDAD]

Just off the bat: I am not here to spew hate, judge, etc. I just like thought-provoking discussions.

I wonder what all of you think. In another thread where women were discussing looking for discreet ways of exploring their bi-curious sides I asked if it is about being married and finding "discreet" ways, or whether I am misreading the situation.. While one nice MN-er responded that she thinks most of them are separated like herself, I did get a private message telling me off for being judgmental, because, and I will quote here "...Experimenting with bisexuality for married women is ok, it's not the same as cheating with another man..". I searched up other threads discussing bisexual topics, I wanted to see if it's a norm I was not aware of...and there was one where a man was asking if women would be ok dating a man who is bisexual. The vast majority said no.

What am I missing here? This is so confusing - is the norm that it's fine for women, even if they are married because at least it's not another man?

Before I get personal attacks:
Yes, I am man. No, I am not a bisexual man. Yes, I am happily married. No, I don't have kinks regarding the topic (trust me, I would openly admit it here for the sake of a good discussion, haha ). Yes, I think everyone has a right to prefer whatever they prefer, no judgement. No, I don't think it's ok to cheat, just because the other person is is from the same sex.

I completely agree with you - it doesn’t matter if it’s another woman: it’s still cheating. My DH, I’m sure, would be just as upset if I cheated with a woman as he would be if it were a man.

Oh, and there’s a reason that poster PM’d you to express her opinion - she knew she would be challenged on the open forum because she’s knows it’s unacceptable.

I am assuming that poster was a woman but I guess it may have been a man!

Women’s bisexuality is encouraged here because most posters are men, often pretending to be women for wank fodder. Men are really naive on this board if they believe stuff posted here. Men wanking to stories from men they believe to be women. 😅

Yeah, because women never talk about sex, so it must be all men on here.

The username could mean either, but referred to herself as a wife.

If that is truly the case, I have to admit I am naive. I must be too simple to understand, but no part of me understand what the point would be for anyone to do that. Any shape and form of "wanking fodder" is easily accessible for anyone on the internet, why go for a simple forum where you have a few lines of typed text on the screen. It just doesn't add up. Bizarre.

Looking at some usernames there are posts from some of them in other, non-sex threads as well... So that at least adds up.

Because they THINK they’re getting access to lots of women by using mumsnet. Some of them have even talked about using mumsnet for this purpose over on Reddit.

There has been countless numbers of men banned for pretending to be women. Not just pervy, but also too stupid to realise that their names can be searched and people can see them ‘changing their sex’ between threads. Others have said they’re ‘women’ but mumsnet haven’t believed them due to the nature of their post and they’ve been deleted banned.

There aren’t many threads on this board, probably because many women know how it’s used and have said on other boards/site stuff that because of that, they would never post about sex on here, but a high percentage get deleted. 3 this week and there wasn’t many to start with.

@NorthernJim Im a woman, it’s not that we don’t talk about sex, it’s the way it’s done, certain ‘themes’ come in waves, often saying particular phrases etc. IYKYK. For example, there will be an influx of posts about a certain topic, the way they’re written seems off, you’ll report one that seems really off and they’re all deleted because they were the same poster bringing his fetish here. Stuff like that.

Most women posters on MN can't post on here because of the men. We can't even discus sex without men being all over it.

Let's be honest, I don't see most of you blokes on the parenting bits or general chat sections, only on the ones about sex.

But no OP, of course cheating because you're bi whether you're man or woman isn't acceptable.

Wow...that is incredibly sad, I have to say.

Yes it really is.

There are a lot of women who post on MN who would love to be able to discuss issues or have questions about sex but can't do that because we can't have anything to ourselves.

@PatchouliPrincess
That is not great... would be good to filter this sort of thing out somehow. I don't know, I use the parenting threads, too... talked about night terrors years ago when one of my kids had it, were just discussing gentle parenting/being firm... There can be some really interesting bits of conversations popping up here and there. I think I was always blind to the aspect you described. Very off-putting to be honest.

Yep. Too many creeps. They’re never far away.

Yes, there are men who come on here and read the posts for wank fodder. I've been told by someone who does it. They also post on other non-sex related MN boards. And ofcourse, the name change feature is possible.

Anyhoo, yes cheating is wrong regardless of what sex you are or what sex you're cheating with.

👏 👏 👏 There are definitely men who love to place themselves in what they think is a group of women, discuss sex and encourage them to share experiences for wank fodder. Those men make this board unusable for a lot of women.

Does he realise he’s wanking to men’s stories?

@exhaustDAD

Honestly answering your question in good faith. I believe there is a defined difference between male and female sexuality and because of that belief would not leave my wife if she had an affair with a woman but I am 99% sure that I would if she had an affair with a man.

if she left me for either I would be gutted, I have also not discussed this with her to not give her any ideas.

I am not your secret PMer x

@AndyShandy says; I believe there is a defined difference between male and female sexuality and because of that belief would not leave my wife if she had an affair with a woman but I am 99% sure that I would if she had an affair with a man.
This reaction I have seen in practice. I was a manager of a factory employing many women on assembly work. A few times women would appear with bruises, 'nothing serious' it was shrugged off, or would change their address rapidly because of their own cheating. If they had a fling with another woman it usually blew over and they returned to normal life. If wife had an affair with a man, divorce usually followed. Often the man in the case and the husband appeared in Court for causing an affray or assault. That was taken more seriously by the women she worked with as well.

Thanks @AndyShandy , genuinely appreciate it. I know a lot of people live by what you just described - to each their own, I guess, no hate. This type of a duality I don't think I will ever understand. I didn't understand it as a young man, and I don't understand it close to 40 either :D For me, a person is a person, if my wife cheated on my with a man, that is cheating with a person, something I couldn't accept, and likewise, cheating with a woman would also mean cheating with another person, so I do not see a difference. I couldn't accept either. To me the thought is not "hot" to imagine my wife with another woman, it is incredibly sad and frustrating... But again, people are entitled to feel differently about this whole thing, naturally :)

"I am not your secret PMer x", haha, I gathered :)

Can you please elaborate what this defined difference is and why this is so?

I agree and to me cheating is cheating regardless of the sex one cheats with.

I would expect my DH to dump me in a heartbeat if I cheated on him with a woman or a man and I would do the same.

My brother had a girlfriend who was bi and she cheated on him with a woman. It absolutely devastated him.

All this 'if it's with a woman it's ok, but if it's with a man it's not' is just another example of society pornifying women's sexuality as something that just exists for men.

A cheat is a cheat is a cheat.

All this 'if it's with a woman it's ok, but if it's with a man it's not' is just another example of society pornifying women's sexuality as something that just exists for men.

I think there’s some truth in this, but I don’t think it’s the whole story.

Firstly there's the question of what "ok" means. "Would he be happy with her doing this on a regular basis" is different to "would their marriage be salvageable after a one-off event". Different marriages will have different thresholds for sexual contact; for some flirting might be acceptable, kissing salvageable, anything beyond that irreconcilable. For others the threshold between salvageable and irreconcilable might lie between oral and PiV sex. In which case a man will feel very differently about his wife cheating with a woman as opposed to a man.

Secondly there's the question of how jealous a person gets about what their partner does that they cannot themselves provide. If a man's wife enjoys going down on women, and he knew this going into the relationship, he may feel that he wants to give her the freedom to do so. Although admittedly by the same logic you could say if he knew she liked both blondes and brunets he might give her this freedom too. For some reason I see those as different but I'm not sure I can justify it.

I always found this "pornifying for men" argument overly simplistic too. The whole topic of (some) married women trying to find outlets for their bisexual explorations is a good example on its own - What does it have to do with men and their porn? It is literally behind their backs, because these particular women want to do it for their own pleasure...so, I don't know. Many people have many different types of reasoning, sure...but as an example I think it is a strong to argue against it being on men alone.

Again that's the difference between women and owning their own sexuality and doing what they want to do within their own sexuality and this society we live in that is infested with porn and pornified views which deem two women together as hot but doesn't see two men together the same way. Look at the categories of straight porn which is filmed for the male gaze.
Lots of women having sex with women.
For the male gaze.
Basically lesbianism and women's bi-sexuality for men's pleasure.
I've not seen much on straight porn websites with two men fucking, that's a different section altogether.
How many of you men on this section would like to see your female partner with a woman or watch lesbian porn? Do you not see your fantasies are influenced by the porn you have always watched?

Straight men always find two women together hot but are repulsed by two men. Porn reflects that. Therefore you don't think that women's bisexuality hasn't been pornified?

How many women in straight relationships have been pressured by their partners to have threesomes with other women? A lot.

I wonder out of interest how many women have tried to persuade their male partners to have a threesome so they could watch their husbands being fucked by another man.

@PatchouliPrincess I agree that pornification is a definite problem, and a cause for a lot of things, absolutely! I think we are in agreement in there. I just meant that it is a bit of a stretch to always use this as a cause for every situation. Like the above - where a certain number of married women go online and behind their husbands' back explore their bisexual sides. And before anyone calls me out on it - The same thing in reverse is horrible too. When men go behind their wife's back to explore intimacy with others. So I am not excusing anyone..

I posted on the other thread you’re referring to. You make quite a big thing about saying you’re not judgmental, but are in fact, pretty judgemental. You judge relationships by your own expectations and norms - we don’t all live like that!

When I first told my husband I regretted not having more opportunity for me to explore with women, he was very happy for me to go and do that. He realised that this was a need I had that he couldn’t meet. He wasn’t threatened by it, because we communicate and discuss how we’re feeling and what it means for our relationship. I said to him at the time if he wanted to explore with men (I.e. a need I couldn’t meet) he was very welcome to.

My husband has continued to support me while I explored with women, and met one in particularly that I fell in love with and continue to have a relationship with. I didn’t intend for this to happen, but it did and it’s wonderful - how lucky am I to have two relationships with people I love.

As this dynamic has involved, my husband has also seen other women and now has a girlfriend himself. He and I are still married and living together as we were before.

We are a very normal family, living in a middle-class town, doing normal things day to day. Only those who need to know do, we don’t hide, but we don’t shout about it.

Hopefully this helps you realise there are more relationship dynamics out there. You can pass whatever judgements you like, but it’s only your own short sightedness that is making you think this is all ‘unfair’ or ‘inequitable’ behaviour.