Realised my DH is crap at sex

[bumptybum]

I’ve been married to the loveliest man first for 30 years. He really is the best man I know. I love him dearly and he adores me. He is supportive and just as infatuated with me as the day we met.

I am just struggling with the realisation that he is rubbish in bed. He is enthusiastic and keen. He would do and try anything I want but he just has no natural ability. He can not use his mouth or tongue or even fingers in any way that brings me pleasure. It’s like he can’t even locate my clitoris. He will be looking straight at my genitals and rubbing me but he is too high or down the side. Just not ON. He tries so hard and I spent many sessions guiding him but it’s still terrible. He can’t dance either and is quite awkward when he is in the gym. His movements are just off somehow.

I end up getting sexually frustrated and I now am less able to hide it. ‘Oh let’s just get to the main event’ or ‘come in just get inside me’ because I just get fed up trying to reposition him the 15,16,17th time.

as most women know, we often need regular constant rhythmic touching and he starts right but within 10 seconds he’s migrated off target. Over and over

I’m doomed aren’t I.

after 30+ years it’s as good as it’s going to be 😞

I think it’s become more of an issue as post menopause my orgasms are harder to reach so his ineptitude is now meaning we never get to the point where I can finish. I haven’t orgasmed with him for years now. I have to use a toy

If you're only looking to address this after 30yrs, I can't help but have some sympathy for your husband. To be condemned as inept, awkward and a bad dancer, especially when you say he's the loveliest and best man you know, after this long, that's going to be a crushingly bitter pill to swallow.
Imagine how you'd feel if, after 30 blissful years, he turned round and said "sorry darling, you know I love you, but you've always been a bit crap in the sack. And the sight if you busting some moves to Abba makes me nauseous."

Where did I say I that I said anything like that to him. I wouldn’t. I have tried to guide him and suggest things and make positive sounds and comments when he hits the spot. But sadly he just veers off course within seconds.
when we were younger I could get turned on by the thought of sex so his lack of technical skill wasn’t something I thought about. But post menopause I realise he hasn’t a clue. Which would be fine if we could work together to improve things. But fireball his enthusiasm he just can’t seem to understand or stay on course. And yes, he is the loveliest man. But sadly I’ve realised it’s unlikely sex is ever going to be very good

the reference to dancing and how he moves in general was because I wonder if some people just don’t have good mind to muscle connection he doesn’t seem dyspraxic but I do wonder if there is a reason he can’t stay on the target

I am glad to read how you feel about ypur husband, he being loveliest, etc.

Tbh, if he is not that gr8 at sex whilst ypu r in 30 years of marriage, I feel sometimes you do not get everything in a person. Sometime you may see the DH is not that l9ving, but gr8 in bed, etc, etc

If sex is affecting so much then best talk to him and add some toys and both play along, sure he will go along as you guide and teach him.
Hope all goes well for you both.

Read this out to him , he will be crushed and will either stop having sex with you altogether and probably kill your marriage or he might try a bit differently

Well OP, my DH is identical! Dancing and gym too (which is fine, I hate dancing). I can’t help you but sympathise. Sometimes I do get a bit disappointed to think this is it for the rest of my life. He probably feels the same way towards me too but we just keep muddling on with it anyways.

But why would I read about to the man I love? MN is a forum right? Where people can express things to hopefully get help or advice or other helpful responses. Right?

Does he have dyspraxia?

I am sorry about the frustration OP, but it's great to read that he is lovely.. It is beyond me how you kept the frustration down for 30 years of marriage. My thought is, if I was your husband, I would like to know that I suck at it. Although, I am sure he does get it, and if my math checks out, it is probably eating him up inside, I know it would do that for me. Getting to a point where you give up and go "just get it in and get it over with" would slash my drive in half, so I double feel for both of you...

My go-to suggestion would always be communication.. but it seems like you guys were trying that, guiding him, positioning him, etc. So, I will suggest something I personally do not have experience with, haha. Toys. I agree with you on one aspect - after actual guidance, and so many years, I am not sure he could change anything about his rhythm and moves ... But what if something else got that covered for him? We don't use toys with my wife (no special reason, we are satisfied with the olden ways as is), but it seems like there are so many really good, efficient toys out there for the women's pleasure now that I am sure you could find a great one, or heck, even different ones to mix it up, one where it would suck/stimulate your clitoris, one that with hit and buzz you at the right spots... And this could be a thing you do together - is my point. You know, him using a toy that does all the magic, and you eventually having the time of your life, I am sure him using the toy on you will make him so happy and satisfied, too. What do you think?

Interesting that your DH also has awkward moments in other things too. My DH was very good at sports when he was younger but as he says more out of determination and a competitive spirit than technique.

In guess I always thought if you communicated sensitively and patiently they would learn. But I guess I’ve realised some things maybe can’t be learned even when there is all the intention in the world.

i agree you can’t have everything and I wouldn’t wish for anyone else. But I am slightly lamenting the reality that sex will never be great. It can be loving and connecting. But it is hard when he has tried and is satisfied himself and sleeping soundly next to me feeling all joy and satisfaction and I’m lying there sexually not done yet. I make sure he knows he is loved which is why he can sleep happily.

It sounds like you might love him, but don’t really like him that much.
have you used any toys infront of him so that you get to Orgasm 1st ?

Masturbate infront of him let him watch and tell him that way.

Watch some videos together on OMGYES, then go practice what the women talked about.

I agree with @OfcourseitsaNC
OMGYES is the gift you need to buy yourselves. It even has tutorials where your DH can practice rhythm on a touch screen.

Keneth play is also worth a look at as he is a sex guru who will admit he was not great at sec at first but that there are parts of sex that are skills that can be learnt. He sells more expensive courses than OMGYES but also a $30 downloadable pdf.

would he /you be open to using toys together? If so I’d go straight for a magic or doxy wand once then to a built and then a suction toy . I haven’t got the Nancy lemon yet but some of their marketing is about it rescuing couples so that maybe a good way to introduce it.

There are other sites and things you can try but the main issue is how you bring it up with him outside of the bedroom without smashing his confidence. I would say as a man we really don’t like to feel we’re crap and as you know we can be competitive so I would hope he would listen if he really can’t get the consistency thing(covered in OMGYES) then some device may be required.

You could try a sexual relations councillor or as suggested OMGYES

You married him! 🙄

I would NEVER have married a man that I could not orgasm with. That's insane! On your part!

I don't have any advice but want to say I share your frustrations.
My ex was the same. I directed him and he'd stay there for about 10 seconds before he would move elsewhere. Or he'd pause and never be able to go back to the right spot.
When he'd have the right rhythm and I reinforced it was right he'd then change it and the pleasure would be gone.
It would mean it would take ages for me to even get close to any pleasure and his fingers would be aching due to the time it took. Sadly it means that he probably managed to get me sorted about 15-20 times during the entirety of our 16 year relationship.
Its hard to communicate sometimes when you feel you are giving all the instructions and they aren't following or able to remember for next time. It's had a huge impact on my growth on a sexual level.
Eventually we split as he was unfaithful, I do wonder if he managed to sort her out as he rarely could me.

The ideal solution is for you to have raised this 25 years ago. Then you could have spent time teaching him what works for you and where the pleasure points are.
Raising it now will be awkward but if it's bad enough for you to raise it here and seek advice from strangers then, perhaps, there is still time to sit down and talk it through. Start dressed at the kitchen table then make time to be naked with the lights on and make it a, sort of, biology lesson. Have lube and, if you have any, your toys to hand. Make it plain and simple - this is not so nice, this is OK and this is fabulous.

Of course you need to offer him the chance to point you in the right direction of anything he would like which you don't, yet, do.

Good luck.

This is a public forum and you are complaining about a pretty fundamental aspect of your long marriage- my response was blunt and truthful- you might not want to hear it but that’s life really- tell him how you feel about your sex life or put up with what you have got now 🤷🏼‍♂️

Where would you possibly get that I don’t like him. He is my favourite adult in the world.

I recommend this:

tell him what? He knows he’s not bringing me to orgasm and he hates it. But we still have sex as I like being close to him. He knows if I’m absolutely not in the mood then I won’t do it. I want to. I have quite a healthy libido. I masturbate. I enjoy PIV but I can’t orgasm without direct stimulation and for some reason he just can’t do it in any productive way at all. Misses the target starts on but goes off in seconds. Rubs too hard. Rubs too soft. It turns into such an exercise if instructions that I lose any interest. It starts to build then slips off again and again until I can’t orgasm as I’ve become so internally frustrated

And yes. I have used toys with him but it’s not the same as mind blowing sex really is it

Seems to me that your craving for something that is never going to happen. You have had 30years+ but you still can't get it right.
Sometimes a successful relationship isn't all about sex.
It does sound like you don't really like him.
It would be crushing for him if he actually read this.

Where does he go off to? Does he not notice it feels different to the place you positioned him? I’d just keep correcting to the point of annoyance so that he concentrates more.