Realised my DH is crap at sex

[bumptybum]

I’ve been married to the loveliest man first for 30 years. He really is the best man I know. I love him dearly and he adores me. He is supportive and just as infatuated with me as the day we met.

I am just struggling with the realisation that he is rubbish in bed. He is enthusiastic and keen. He would do and try anything I want but he just has no natural ability. He can not use his mouth or tongue or even fingers in any way that brings me pleasure. It’s like he can’t even locate my clitoris. He will be looking straight at my genitals and rubbing me but he is too high or down the side. Just not ON. He tries so hard and I spent many sessions guiding him but it’s still terrible. He can’t dance either and is quite awkward when he is in the gym. His movements are just off somehow.

I end up getting sexually frustrated and I now am less able to hide it. ‘Oh let’s just get to the main event’ or ‘come in just get inside me’ because I just get fed up trying to reposition him the 15,16,17th time.

as most women know, we often need regular constant rhythmic touching and he starts right but within 10 seconds he’s migrated off target. Over and over

I’m doomed aren’t I.

after 30+ years it’s as good as it’s going to be 😞

I think it’s become more of an issue as post menopause my orgasms are harder to reach so his ineptitude is now meaning we never get to the point where I can finish. I haven’t orgasmed with him for years now. I have to use a toy

If someone doesn't understand what they are being told, there's not a lot they can do about that. We choose what we do with knowledge, and we can choose to educate ourselves if we know we don't understand, but we can't choose not to understand.

If someone doesn't understand what we have told them, we can to take responsibility for that and find another way to explain it. That might mean we need to learn how to teach or communicate, or even how to better understand what we are failing to communicate. Or we can choose not to.

If you just need to vent about your situation, and if that helps, that's fine. If you need a safe space to do that, something like counselling might be a good option.

If the lack of sex is the biggest problem, perhaps you could consider booking Leo Grande?

Many women can’t orgasm without a vibrator. I’d use one together.

It sounds like it's got harder for you to orgasm as you've got older and you need it on the exact spot at exactly the right rhythm and speed which you can obviously feel but he can't - I think that could be tricky for anyone and I don't think it means he's completely crap tbh.

Can you not raise or lower yourself a bit when he is giving you oral if the spot isn't quite right? Why not get yourself close to orgasm in other ways and then have him get you over? dry humping, mutual masturbation, rubbing him into you etc Why aren't you just using toys with him every time if it means you orgasm? You say you don't orgasm from sex alone anyway so why can't a toy be part of great sex? It sounds like you're being a bit of a martyr here to me tbh combined with orgasming becoming more difficult due to peri.

Your frustration and annoyance is just going to be cementing the fact that you are never going to orgasm because you are frustrated and annoyed. You need to start making this more fun again IMO OP. Your mean attitude is going to affect his self confidence and that's not fair either if you know he is keen to please you.

Typical mean girl vibes. Stop coming on here and putting your own manipulative spin on the OP’s words.

Some really stupid and nasty replies (as always) no where did op say she is going to say all this to him. Saying it’s her fault for marrying him, wow just horrid.

Why is it mean , the OP has had 30 years of poor sex , so something has to change unless another 30 years of poor sex is wanted

maybe the OP could use a toy on herself before intercourse begins 🤷🏻

Nothing about my post sounds like I don’t like him.

Oh don’t worry. People are very transparent on MN. These sorts of replies really don’t impact me.

There isn’t anything mean about my attitude.

we have used toys. He just feels despondent that he can’t bring me to orgasm. I still like to have sex with him. He is very loving and caring and I still look at him and think how lucky I am to have him.

None of this changes the fact that I don’t orgasm with him and that one of the issues is after years of ‘training’ he can’t stay on target or keep his rhythm steady.

He meanders off 😭🤣. I will position him. We will have close to anatomy lesson. Then once he starts he rubs and rubs and meanders off into the valley down the side of my clitoris or the area above my clitoris. So I gently reposition and he slips and menders off again so he is enthusiastically rubbing an area off the course. Of course after this going on for a while with me repositioning his hand and stopping him and getting him to look carefully with his eyes, it gets beyond the stage of me ever being able to get aroused so we move on to PIV but then I don’t cum. So I have to use a toy which feels a but perfunctory

I could feel the OP’s frustration in that post 😫 It’s understandable. To Improve ones sexual skills typically requires curiosity, real time observations in the moment e.g. listening to breathing, watching how your partners body responds, when your partner grabs you tightly means she is near orgasm and you dont stop etc. Above all else self reflecting about what went well and what didnt for next time. Without those elements it is hard for anyone’s skills to grow.

OP, just sharing a thought.. Without sounding too technical, I had a thought. You mentioned it above that you position him, and he keeps wandering off. Have you tried "keeping" him on course? So to try a few times, not just positioning him, and them chancing it, but say, if his fingers are on your clitoris you gently keep your hand on his hand, and make sure he stays where it feels nice? It is like guiding rails in bowling?

My ex had issues with sex and we saw a sex counsellor. They gave us exercises on how to touch - it was for a different issue as he had porn addiction, intimacy issues and was often unable to get it up or finish!! but the exercises were helpful x

I don’t understand people complaining about you thinking your DH is crap in bed. You have a right to an opinion and you’re not planning to express it. You are putting him first.

What throws me a bit is that you have put yourself through the torture of unsatisfactory sex despite decades of trying to help him
and also… that he is still crap after all that help, but above all, that you are still having shit sex regularly with him after all this time.

Is he alright in other things? Or is he the kind of lovely husband who domestic abuse victims think they have? Lovely as long as he does everything his way?

Can OP bring herself off as part of sex with DH? How about DH uses a toy? Can he do it with his tongue?

This doesn't seem an insurmountable problem. Even if DH can"t ever get the right rhythm with his hand the OP never needs to lie awake frustrated because "He would do and try anything".

Hi OP. I feel for you. I'm sorry that some people really don't get it in their replies.

I'm in exactly the same boat. My husband is a wonderful, caring, loving man. Relationship is great in all ways except the sex, which was dreadful for many years. Persevered because we loved each other, and I thought he could learn and improve. He has improved a bit, to the point of mediocre. It sounds awful writing it out like that. But it's true. Like yours he has no natural rhythm at all. His dancing is dreadful. Something about rhythm, 'feel', and spatial awareness are lacking. And after many patient attempts, I feel no amount of "touch me there, like that" can teach it, and when you have done that so many times with little payoff, it sucks a lot of the joy out of sex.

I don't have an answer. Mostly I'm accepting that all that is good about our relationship outweighs this. But I do feel a deep sadness about it. Then, I look at friends whose husbands are self centered or lazy, or untrustworthy, and I think that I wouldn't care how good the sex was if those other aspects of the relationship were a problem.

I have no great suggestions. Perhaps find a sex toy that you like, make some time to use it (on your own or together). And try to focus on the connection with each other when you do have sex, rather than orgasm.

@Naaaaaamechange

If you’ve tried toys have you have you used or heard of a sex stool or queening stool? They are on Love honey so not that out there. They are simple construction of a light weight metal frame with an elastic “seat. And folds flat under the bed or on top of a wardrobe.

One of its uses is you can lie your man underneath it and “bounce” to your hearts content no need for any rhythm from the DH. Takes the stress out of it for him and is lots of fun for both parties. (Has some other fun uses too)

If you add in a grind ring you can add extra clitoral Stimulation that you control while he is also fully involved. From what you and Op describe certainly worth £100 to see if it works x

Buy some toys for him to use on you.
Is he aware you are unhappy in the sex department?
Try a full on naked massage and direct where you want most attention. 1 move my wife loves is full palm of the hand in stroking movements 1 hand after the other over the vulva with middle finger sliding over the clit, get him doing that till you have orgasm (will be messy). Another idea is get squirty cream or edible lube on your clit and keep topping up for him.