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Male partner (50s) can orgasm through hand jobs but not sex together

28 replies

Questions26 · 12/01/2026 12:39

NChanged for this.
I am in a new relationship with an amazing man, I am 50(F), he is 56. We have fabulous sex together, he is very energetic, athletic, passionate and giving. However, he doesn't cum through sex - usually it is not at all or only afterwards, through a hand job or a bj.
Any men out there who can shed light onto this?
He has mentioned he may have low testosterone.
It is not really a problem per se, but I would love him to cum through sex as he sometimes seems frustrated but it, and also enjoy the sensation of shared orgasm.
Is this a psychological thing? Anything I can do?
Apologies I haven't been very eloquent, just trying to get the point across!

OP posts:
DameM · 12/01/2026 14:57

How long has he been singie? My guess would be he's become reliant on masturbating and probably porn so that piv isn't enough. Plus at 56 things usually take longer anyway!
Try doing it on a morning when responses are often quicker.

Questions26 · 12/01/2026 16:24

A few months, but doesn't use porn. Tried the mornings, all times of day! I think this is called delayed ejaculation.

OP posts:
Thingywhatsits · 12/01/2026 17:22

@Questions26

Have you had a look at hot octopus?
They make high quality guybrators. Maybe a little pre piv buzz might do the trick x

DameM · 12/01/2026 17:38

I woud bet it's porn even if he denies, rarely do men admit to frequent masturbation to porn. In your op you said he wondered if it's testosterone yet he's athletic and energetic so that doesn't fit. Delayed ejaculation maybe but why ok with a bj or wank and not piv?

Anyway maybe a man in his 50s might shed some light! Is he a drinker or a smoker? That can slow things down obviously.

DanDan88 · 12/01/2026 18:09

DameM · 12/01/2026 17:38

I woud bet it's porn even if he denies, rarely do men admit to frequent masturbation to porn. In your op you said he wondered if it's testosterone yet he's athletic and energetic so that doesn't fit. Delayed ejaculation maybe but why ok with a bj or wank and not piv?

Anyway maybe a man in his 50s might shed some light! Is he a drinker or a smoker? That can slow things down obviously.

I am in my 50s and generally don't have any issues with cumming, but on occasion it can happen I don't cum during piv - but it's not an issue as my partner will have cum and we can look forward to another session. Cumming does not have to be the main goal during sex and often, if it's not expected, it can happen much easier. Especially in new relationships, where there is a lot of pressure on both sides to "perform". Just enjoy the moments and let it develop.

Emptyandsad · 12/01/2026 18:22

As we get older, reaching orgasm tends to take longer, erections aren't as hard as they used to be....that's just the way it goes.

It doesn't make the sex any less enjoyable or intense, not does it make the intimacy of the occasion less. I think, in general, more focus should be put on the journey and less on the destination.

I'm mid 60s and everything takes longer...I still enjoy the trip

tanoshi · 12/01/2026 18:41

Do you get wet OP? It might have a bearing IME. Especially when you've cum and he hasn't.

Smithey588 · 12/01/2026 19:20

I think there are lots of different angles to this:

He says he doesn’t watch porn. That may or not be the case now he is in a relationship but it’s unlikely during his period of singleness he didn’t masturbate, and that’s to be expected. As @DameM points put, he’s probably become used to his hand, hopefully not reliant long term but it may take a while to adjust.

He may well be overthinking things, given it’s a new relationship and trying to delay cumming in order to please you - no man wants to cum too quickly and it’s quite possible he’s actually stopping himself from finishing rather than just delaying things slightly.

age possibly/probably plays a part here as well. As men ( and women?) get older delayed orgasms become more common. When I was in my tens and 20’s I suffered tremendously from premature ejaculation and as I got older it seemed less problematic to a point now where I pretty much have full control.

Have a talk with him, find out if it’s been an issue previously or whether it’s a more recent thing. A visit to the doctor, if a recent thing may be worthwhile as things like an enlarged prostate can cause delayed ejaculation.

Catullus5 · 12/01/2026 23:02

Porn use and the myth of death grip gets trotted out too quickly on this website as the explanation for situations like this. The man is in his late 50s. His ability to become aroused, get hard, experience sensations and have orgasms will all be very much reduced simply because of his age. It simply isn't true that all men would be rock hard and want it six times a day but for porn use and there's no science I know of behind the claim that masturbating a particular way stops men from orgasming during sex.

DameM · 13/01/2026 08:05

Catullus5 · 12/01/2026 23:02

Porn use and the myth of death grip gets trotted out too quickly on this website as the explanation for situations like this. The man is in his late 50s. His ability to become aroused, get hard, experience sensations and have orgasms will all be very much reduced simply because of his age. It simply isn't true that all men would be rock hard and want it six times a day but for porn use and there's no science I know of behind the claim that masturbating a particular way stops men from orgasming during sex.

I don't think anyone has suggested a man in his 50s will be rock hard and wanting it 6 times a day however if he orgasms through wanking and BJs but struggles with piv I don't think its a stretch to wonder if masturbation is easier for him than sex. It isn't a myth it is very common, you only have to read the relationships boards here to see many men orgasm easier solo and their dps think it's testosterone issues then they find lots of porn on their phone.

Anyway mayhe not in this case who knows, hope things improve op!

Emptyandsad · 13/01/2026 08:39

DameM · 13/01/2026 08:05

I don't think anyone has suggested a man in his 50s will be rock hard and wanting it 6 times a day however if he orgasms through wanking and BJs but struggles with piv I don't think its a stretch to wonder if masturbation is easier for him than sex. It isn't a myth it is very common, you only have to read the relationships boards here to see many men orgasm easier solo and their dps think it's testosterone issues then they find lots of porn on their phone.

Anyway mayhe not in this case who knows, hope things improve op!

Surely masturbation is easier than sex for just about everyone, across both sexes? That's kind of the point of it. You know exactly how you're feeling, what to do, where to touch, how fast to go, how hard to go.

But easier doesn't mean more exciting, does it? Speed and efficiency in getting your rocks off doesn't sound like good sex. There's no fun, no mystery, no curiosity, no shared experience, no exchange, no intimacy. Masturbation and sex are two different experiences with different aims and drivers

Aren't they?

ParallelOrganum · 13/01/2026 10:15

As mentioned above, with age men’s ability to orgasm through PIV sex decreases, but we still love that release that orgasm gives us. The comments about masturbating to porn imply that this is the cause of the issue with some men’s inability to orgasm through sex alone, whereas I would say it’s more the effect as we seek that final release that we no longer get through sex.

I’m mid-sixties (male, if that’s not obvious already) and this has been steadily getting worse for me over the last ten years. It doesn’t mean that I prefer solo sex to being with a partner - nothing beats that sense of connection, touch and intimacy, and I certainly enjoy the journey but if I accept that I probably won’t orgasm there isn’t a sense of disappointment, however, I still need that release that orgasm gives (even though I don’t ejaculate following a prostate op) and increasingly this only happens through solo masturbation.

MonkeyChopsUser · 13/01/2026 21:21

Questions26 · 12/01/2026 16:24

A few months, but doesn't use porn. Tried the mornings, all times of day! I think this is called delayed ejaculation.

I’m also 56 and can have the same issue sometimes, personally I’m okay with it - but I think my new(ish) partner is a bit disappointed in me at times which is hard to deal with.

Ignore the usual porn use and death grip bullshit comments that some people will trot out - it’s an age thing - don’t worry too much about it- keep having a fun time in bed !

MisterT373 · 13/01/2026 22:03

With a hand job you can apply more pressure on the head & glans of his cock. The shaft really doesnt give any pleasure - its all about the first inch/inch & a half.

DameM · 14/01/2026 08:04

Emptyandsad · 13/01/2026 08:39

Surely masturbation is easier than sex for just about everyone, across both sexes? That's kind of the point of it. You know exactly how you're feeling, what to do, where to touch, how fast to go, how hard to go.

But easier doesn't mean more exciting, does it? Speed and efficiency in getting your rocks off doesn't sound like good sex. There's no fun, no mystery, no curiosity, no shared experience, no exchange, no intimacy. Masturbation and sex are two different experiences with different aims and drivers

Aren't they?

Of course they are 2 different things, however some older men who may struggle with ED or delayed ejaculation whatever do then sometimes prefer the ease of wanks either solo or with their dp over piv.

As long as the op is happy and everything else is fine then great.

Questions26 · 14/01/2026 21:20

Wow, thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies, in particular @MonkeyChopsUser @Catullus5 and @ParallelOrganum, sounds like it could be something similar, and basically age. We both have a fabulous time in bed and it doesn't bother me, I just wondered if it bothered him (I can ask him more directly) or if it was hormonal, e.g. testosterone or similar.

OP posts:
OfcourseitsaNC · 15/01/2026 07:04

You haven't said if you're using condoms for PIV? As that will make a big difference.

MonkeyChopsUser · 15/01/2026 20:52

Questions26 · 14/01/2026 21:20

Wow, thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies, in particular @MonkeyChopsUser @Catullus5 and @ParallelOrganum, sounds like it could be something similar, and basically age. We both have a fabulous time in bed and it doesn't bother me, I just wondered if it bothered him (I can ask him more directly) or if it was hormonal, e.g. testosterone or similar.

Based on this I checked in with my partner who said she was very happy with the quality and quantity of sex we are having

NorthernJim · 16/01/2026 15:10

The usual mn narrative of porn addiction and death grip in full swing I see. Reality is that as we age, penises lose sensitivity. Piv generally creates less physical stimulation than hand or mouth.

That's usually all there is to it, but also can be hormonal or psychological factors at play, performance anxiety being a big one, and that tends to be a downward spiral of self fulfilling prophecy. Whatever you do, do not let him know that it's an issue for you, certainly don't feel inadequate that you've not made him cum. Doing the opposite and telling him how much you're enjoying the sex may help relax him and reduce his anxiety. As daft as it might sound, if my dp tells me where or when to cum, that is often enough to get me over the edge when it doesn't seem to be happening. Another psychological issue for him may stem from the fear of unwanted pregnancy. Obviously unlikely to be an issue at your age, but there could be some mental scarring if he's been in that situation on his past.

Often if it's not working for us with night time sex, we'll stop and agree to 'finish off in the morning', and then it usually happens more easily. That's either down to tiredness, hormones (testosterone is highest first thing in the morning), or maybe simply sleeping with a semi all night in anticipation of the morning sex!

Alcohol can be another factor, even just one or two drinks. It doesn't prevent me from getting an erection, but I know it can cause me delayed ejaculaton. Which can be frustrating because it's a double edged sword when a few drinks helps relax and get me in the mood in the first place.

Going back to my first point, maybe try to reduce/minimise hand or oral stimulation on him during foreplay. Contrary to popular opinion I tend to find that more of that before piv tends to make the piv orgasm take longer, not shorter. Along the same lines, I find that the longer the foreplay goes on, the longer it takes me to orgasm myself. Sometimes (if you're both well in the mood) shortening the foreplay don't to very brief can help. But he needs to understand that then he'll likely need to carry on after his own orgasm to satisfy you properly, unless you're both in the mood for a quickie.

Finally, there may be some coupled toys worth trying together. Whilst men typically don't get off so much on vibration (in the way that women seem to), it can help provide a bit of extra sensation during piv. Either something like a wevibe for direct internal stimulation, or if you can handle a powerful vibrator on your clit the sensation can often be felt through into your vagina.

Catullus5 · 16/01/2026 18:57

DameM · 13/01/2026 08:05

I don't think anyone has suggested a man in his 50s will be rock hard and wanting it 6 times a day however if he orgasms through wanking and BJs but struggles with piv I don't think its a stretch to wonder if masturbation is easier for him than sex. It isn't a myth it is very common, you only have to read the relationships boards here to see many men orgasm easier solo and their dps think it's testosterone issues then they find lots of porn on their phone.

Anyway mayhe not in this case who knows, hope things improve op!

I apologise - I wasn't specially taking a dig at you and I do accept that porn use does cause sexual dysfunction in some men though not others, and I also think that if a man over a certain age is having some problems, knocking off any porn use is probably the thing worth trying first.

But it's also important not to pathologise the ordinary aging process. The consensus on this website (outside this particular topic) is that male sexuality as, basically, a bunch of problems. I also think the collective insight into it is poor. I would keep that in mind when you read the anecdotes.

moderate · 25/01/2026 13:40

ParallelOrganum · 13/01/2026 10:15

As mentioned above, with age men’s ability to orgasm through PIV sex decreases, but we still love that release that orgasm gives us. The comments about masturbating to porn imply that this is the cause of the issue with some men’s inability to orgasm through sex alone, whereas I would say it’s more the effect as we seek that final release that we no longer get through sex.

I’m mid-sixties (male, if that’s not obvious already) and this has been steadily getting worse for me over the last ten years. It doesn’t mean that I prefer solo sex to being with a partner - nothing beats that sense of connection, touch and intimacy, and I certainly enjoy the journey but if I accept that I probably won’t orgasm there isn’t a sense of disappointment, however, I still need that release that orgasm gives (even though I don’t ejaculate following a prostate op) and increasingly this only happens through solo masturbation.

Do you think this could be achieved through mutual masturbation? I appreciate you say there is a mental shift, but as a fifty-year-old couple I am somewhat concerned about this in our future.

PUGMEISTER21 · 23/03/2026 19:12

Catullus5 · 12/01/2026 23:02

Porn use and the myth of death grip gets trotted out too quickly on this website as the explanation for situations like this. The man is in his late 50s. His ability to become aroused, get hard, experience sensations and have orgasms will all be very much reduced simply because of his age. It simply isn't true that all men would be rock hard and want it six times a day but for porn use and there's no science I know of behind the claim that masturbating a particular way stops men from orgasming during sex.

I agree, I am 50 and last two years sensitivity has definitly dropped off and makes it harder for me to come which then brings in the psychological pressure I put on myself. I used to have to concentrate on not cumming, now I have to concentrate on cumming and working harder to make it happen.

Pigeonpoodle · 24/03/2026 06:48

Regardless of whether he uses porn, if he’s been single for years, he’ll have got use to masturbating… men don’t need porn for that! The feeling and pressure of a hand is very different to a vagina.

Also, it would be a very different experience… Wanking lying in bed just focussing himself, would be different to thrusting repeatedly into a vagina, however pleasurable it might be.

I think too much focus on the male PIV orgasm as being the standard for having “successful” sex is ironically a significant reason why people have bad sex and don’t orgasm!

PUGMEISTER21 · 11/04/2026 10:28

DameM · 12/01/2026 17:38

I woud bet it's porn even if he denies, rarely do men admit to frequent masturbation to porn. In your op you said he wondered if it's testosterone yet he's athletic and energetic so that doesn't fit. Delayed ejaculation maybe but why ok with a bj or wank and not piv?

Anyway maybe a man in his 50s might shed some light! Is he a drinker or a smoker? That can slow things down obviously.

Ah the Mumsnet Death Grip go to. History says women dont orgasm as much as men during sex but nobody ever says its because women are masturbating too much.

Winterbolt · 17/04/2026 14:11

This thread is normal behavior for some especially stating death grip and porn.
So I will enlighten you all .
54 this yr . Diabetic / Long term Lyme
-PIV finish was the norm. 20+ yrs
Up until pre diabetes kicked in come 2017 ish. Was easy to finish in her . Then age , lack of sensitivity , exhaustion, disease - now not so much .
I don’t use porn to masturbate as my wife wants her to be the object of desire.
But 95% of the time I finish or she will finish me manually .
Its life . We all are different .
I’d love to be the guy who can finish in her .
So we fuck , and stroke - sometimes as I am about to finish - I put it back in her and explode with excitement and she loves it.

The bullshit death grip and porn - stop it . Old guys like us suffer like women do not getting off as well

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