Is this cheating

[Alwayspositive123]

NC for obvious reasons.

So, I’m ready to be judged and shouted at !

I’m a 49 year old man who’s been married for over 20 years. All is good except life in the bedroom department is nonexistent and it’s been like this for several years.

My wife is going through the menopause and I know it’s not her fault but I’m becoming very frustrated. (I know I give her lots of support).

Our sex life has always been tame and my drive has always been much stronger than hers.

I’ve always been faithful but need a connection with someone on the sex front. So here’s the question, is chatting to someone in a naughty way but nothing more cheating ? I have absolutely no intention of it becoming anything more and would be clear with anyone I chat to.

I dare say some will say that mentally it is cheating, but my thinking is that it will stop me doing anything more which would be very bad.

I wouldn’t want my husband chatting to someone in a naughty way, so yes, to me it’s cheating, plus it’s likely to lead to something else. I presume you’ve spoken to your wife about your concerns.

For lots of diverse views on this subject, check out https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/sex/5314079-sexless-marriages-support-thread

Yes I’ve spoken to her many times. But after a while the rejection takes its toll and it’s not nice to feel not wanted. But it’s only in that department. The rest of home life is great.

You’re quite right in that she’d more than hit the roof if she knew I was talking to anyone else. There’s no way I’m mentioning my thoughts. Righty or wrongly.

Thank you. There’s a lot to read but some of it is like looking in a mirror.

I don’t think that a sexless marriage is viable for many people. Whilst not ideal, I’m struggling to judge you

You’ve only just posted you would make a beeline for a younger woman. I wonder why your wife is no longer interested in sex with you!

I was offering support. Like I said in my post on the other thread, IF I WAS SINGLE.

I’ll assume you’re a negative in respect to my original question. Thank you.

I wish you well.

Thank you.

Yes, it is cheating to have an Emotional Affair, even if you’re in a sexless marriage.

I did end up doing this OP (I’m a woman in a similar situation). When it started it certainly felt like I was cheating but I was so unhappy I didn’t care much anymore. I never intended for more than a bit of fun messaging but in the end, I did end up having sex with someone else. When the messaging first started, the thought of actually doing this was unthinkable, so you can’t assume it would never go that far. Feelings and attachments grow when you’re having that kind of intimate chat over a long period of time with the same person.

I don’t do it now, and my DH doesn’t know. I hate myself for what I did, not just for what I did to my DH but also for what I did to myself. so please don’t ruin your self respect. There’s no easy answer, but maybe your wife might consider an open marriage or if you really can’t live like it any longer, look at moving on.

Been in a similar situation in the past with some differences, notably DW was doing the contacting and it was with a very old ex , initially it was emotional support ( dont know to this day why she couldn’t approach me) then became more flirty/sexual but didn’t meet up.Stopped after I told her I knew( well i think it did), point is,did I feel it was cheating, absolutely and it’s continued to have an ongoing effect on our relationship. So OP,look at it from that point, if your wife was doing it ,would you feel she was cheating, pretty sure you’d say yes and answer your own original question

Thanks for your views. Lots to think about

I've been the "online OW" for a man in your position so I can't exactly judge but it is 100% cheating. I'd be beyond gutted if my partner was having chats like that. Thankfully I know that a decent percentage of men are like this and I know to stay away from men now so I'll never have to worry about it happening to me.

Anyway, like you say, your wife is going through menopause and it isn't her fault. Use your hand - read some literotica or use your imagination.

ignoring the lack of sex, if my DW turned round to me to say she was naughty chatting with another bloke then we'd be chatting divorce. That's absolutely not to say you have to accept a sexless marriage, you don't and I wouldn't, but getting to the bottom of that and finding the solution or next steps for both of you, is the thing to concentrate on here and move away from the naughty chat. If you love her then that's what you need to do

The fact that you know she’d hit the roof if she found out is enough reason not to do it. It doesn’t really matter whether you define it as cheating or not, that’s just a label. But you’re breaking her trust in you. That can never be repaired.

I understand the frustration, I’ve been there. But the only options available to you are 1. Suck it up and accept you’re going to have to rely on porn and a wank, 2. Leave the relationship or 3. Have a really serious conversation about how you’re missing intimacy in your marriage and ask if she’ll consider counselling as a last attempt to salvage the relationship.

You might want to watch some Esther Perel videos. She’s fabulous at explaining why sex wanes in long term relationships and how female desire is entirely different from that of men. Clue: the answer isn’t buying her lingerie!

Thank you pp. I’m not checking out. There’s too much there. I’ll look at what you’ve suggest.

Anything u wldnt do infrontbofnger is cheating. If you arnt happy speak to her