Sex is shit and I’m getting the blame

[carriecon]

My husband is in his late 50s and I’m early 40s. Intimacy is poor lately. Basically he can’t keep an erection and I’m struggling to accept the viagra. It is not the same.
Viagra - sex is acceptable for him and shit for me
No viagra - shit

I’ve explained to him I don’t like sex with viagra. I would rather cuddle or do other stuff that doesn’t involve penetration.

He sees this as me not being interested in sex. Can’t win.
Everything else with our relationship is pretty good.

Does anyone have any experience or advice?

Why is sex with viagra shit? You have to compromise someway, rather than fully shutting him down and saying its shit. Surely that affects his self esteem too? And sex without penetration is not sustainable long term. Perhaps you both need to have a kind, open conversation. Try different things in bed, extended foreplay, so that even if penetration doesn't last long, you've both enjoyed yourselves.

apologies I should have added that penetration with Viagra last forever for him. I’m red raw the next day. Even with lube.

he knows this

Has he tried taking half a pill?

Sorry OP, but you are being incredibly harsh.

so, you’d rather him not have sex with you as you don’t enjoy sex with Viagra even though he has ED issues?

do you have e any idea how soul destroying it can be for a man to have ED?

Viagra doesn’t make a man last longer. Viagra opens up the blood vessels to allow more blood to flow into the penis. It has zero effect on the time it takes to orgasm.

A penis with Viagra is exactly the same as a normal healthy penis.

Given the age difference, things will only get worse for him, and you unless you compromise. A large % of men will experience ED as they get older and without support from their spouse it can really have an effect on their mental health.

I can see this only going one way unless you change your attitude to Viagra - either he finds sex elsewhere, or you will. And neither has a happy ending I’m afraid.

Sorry to hear this. Has he been to a GP with ED? ED s often a symptom of other medical conditions and should be investigated.

But there are clearly other issues here. I’ve been with some people (probably more than l think, not everyone is going to tell you) who have used Viagra and similar, l look upon it as a legal recreational drug.

Sex is not about compromise, it’s about passion. But the way the way the OP’s partner is behaving is making her sore. No woman wants rubbish uncomfortable sex.

Move from Viagra to one of the lower dose daily meds -

And no man wants rubbish sex either… one person cannot get what they want all the time

Agree but in this case the OP is a woman.

most men over 55 have ED to some extent. It's a fact of ageing.
you are going to have to reach a compromise to save your sex life.

Please don’t feel the need to comment ‘but men’ on every. Single. Post! Especially when it has no relevance- unless you have been shagged by a penis until you were red raw?!

^^ 100% this , sex will be a compromise if you want to keep it going

I would disagree entirely and say it’s 100% relevant- look at the numbers of threads on this forum from women complaining that their male partners has ED and won’t go to the DRs and sex life is rubbish etc etc etc

and here is a man who has ED and quite possibly has gone to a DR and has got some pills, and the sex is still rubbish, so probably the meds needed changing (lower dose) or different meds or no sex and probably no marriage either
so yes - it’s very relevant.

But that has nothing to do with your quote on @StarlightLadypost. You see?

But this was a post from a woman on a largely female forum (other sites are available for men!) about being sore from bad sex. It was not posted from a man and involved bigger issues than ED.

By all means comment on a womens’ site but accept that responses will be from a female point of view.

I honestly have no idea why this board seems to attract grumpy men with a huge chip on their shoulder who just want to mansplain sex at women! It gets so tiresome 🥱

@Gymbunny2025
i was replying directly to you 🤷🏻

Gosh. My sex experience with my husband pre ED is nothing like what I am experiencing now. Feeling a bit gaslighted from Smithey588. Not sure how his ED issues trumps me being red raw to please him. Do I behave like a meek woman to be put in my place to serve my husband sex.
We have a great life together. Obviously I am trying to find common ground in the bedroom for his sake as well as mine.

I couldn’t agree more

I HATE the Sex boards sometimes. So many weird (sorry, I’m going to say it) men sitting there lurking waiting to jump onto any topic and say “Man’s perspective here”.

Yes , YES I already know that Mumsnet is for everyone and not just women. But why don’t we find all these men on the Relationships or Chat boards? We all know why.

This could be a really useful board if we heard from women supporting each other about real issues such as vaginal soreness.

Instead we get a guy who decides to gets personally offended on behalf of all men and the OP’s husband, and take offence that the OP dared to say the sex was shit. Extraordinary.

Then they wonder why their wives and partners don't want to fuck them..

I’m guessing you’re a man? The sort who thinks a woman should just lie down and accept it once a week on a Friday night for the sake of her husband’s satisfaction?

This poster is a man. And the fascinating thing is , they think sex is binary. If he can "get it up", then she should be happy - of course she should be! It's that simple - if P in V is possible, everyone should be happy.

Some special sort of weirdo to be lurking on a women’s sex discussion board, no? But of course, we’re to blame for the male loneliness epidemic with our unreasonable demands…

The best suggestion here is to ask your DH to try half a pill, or some other similar meds which might work better for you both. But I agree with others that being so negative about Viagra is going to alienate your DH, because he probably feels like he really needs it, so he needs you to be on board with it. There's a happy medium for you both here somewhere, but sounds like you maybe need to be a bit kinder and empathetic towards each other.