Sex is shit and I’m getting the blame

[carriecon]

My husband is in his late 50s and I’m early 40s. Intimacy is poor lately. Basically he can’t keep an erection and I’m struggling to accept the viagra. It is not the same.
Viagra - sex is acceptable for him and shit for me
No viagra - shit

I’ve explained to him I don’t like sex with viagra. I would rather cuddle or do other stuff that doesn’t involve penetration.

He sees this as me not being interested in sex. Can’t win.
Everything else with our relationship is pretty good.

Does anyone have any experience or advice?

I find that viagra makes orgasms more elusive. The answer to that cannot be that my partner has to put up with me pumping away for 45 minutes while she gets blisters! Nobody should ever have to put up with sex that's uncomfortable. Surely, through kind, open and non-judgmental conversation, you can find a way for you both to be intimate, to feel loved and fancied and for you both to get your rocks off!

PIV is generally considered important because it feels so intimate, so do some of that at some point, but it isn't uncommon for women not to orgasm through it - and now it appears the guy can't either, so do something else to finish off

Otherwise you'll end up with callouses

As others have suggested, maybe consider changing the Viagra to Cialis, so the window to have sex isn't so soon but the Cialis medication can be effective for up to 36 hours. This may take some of the pressure off from a time perspective and give you more time for foreplay. Also, you said that even with using lube you are still sore. Do you have any symptoms of peri menopause? If vaginal dryness is an issue, possibly trying some vaginal oestrogen (as a cream) might help.

Ignore all posts which ignore your discomfort.
If it hurts, it isn't a "compromise", or as you better phrased it, a common ground.

No practical advice to add, either the medication or the action need to change.

What does he say if you tell him it hurts?

The issue doesn’t seem to be viagra, rather that he seems to be pumping away for an eternity until you’re raw. He’s prioritising reaching orgasm inside you, and to hell with the damage it’s causing you! That’s very selfish of him and will destroy your sex life and marriage if not addressed.

Any sex that is viewed as “successful” only when a man reaches the “finishing line” whilst the penis is inside the vagina is a very narrow-minded view of sex, and I think this narrow mindedness accounts for much of the bad sex there is out there.

If he hasn’t cum by the time you’re finding it uncomfortable then you should feel able to switch to something else, or he should just accept that he’s not going to orgasm this time, in the same way many women do. If you don’t feel ask him to stop, that’s a massive communication or power dynamic issue that needs addressing asap.

It’s still perfectly possible to enjoy sex without having an orgasm - I don’t always cum with my partner for instance but always love the intimacy sex brings regardless… ironically, the more you make it all about the orgasm, the less likely there’ll be one, and the more likely you’ll have issues in the bedroom (with this thread being a case in point!). By the way, we both orgasm most of the time when we have sex, but just not all the time - it’s no big deal, and it’s counterproductive to make it one.

Why do I become a special type of weirdo for posting my thoughts on a board that is open to all?

Admittedly, I did not see the OP’s follow up post about her being red raw the next day, I only saw the original Post where she said she didn’t enjoy sex with the Viagra.

I post on this board ( and the relationship board) as I suffered from ED in my early to mid 30’s, so I know what works and what doesn’t. I went three years without being able to have proper Intercourse - I know what it feels like on both sides of the fence so to speak and if there is a situation where I can share my experience and advice, then I try to do so in a helpful way as possible.

I’m not a pervert, I’m not a weirdo, I’m in a very happy relationship and I’m sorry if my comments caused you or anyone else any upset.

@carriecon I'm sorry you thought I was gaslighting you, I really wasn’t. I had relationships ended due to my past ED issues, so it makes me sad to hear others in a similar situation. The fact that Viagra works for your partner is great, it doesn’t for everyone . It doesn’t have to be PIV all the time, he may not need a whole pill. I would suggest 5mg of daily tadalafil ( cialis) and see if that helps both of you.

@Smithey588

….he may not need a whole pill. I would suggest 5mg of daily tadalafil ( cialis) and see if that helps both of you.

I really don’t see how this issue has anything to do with the dosage… A lower dose won’t mean he won’t make the OP raw. Thrusting for ever to the point that she’s no longer lubricated and red raw the next day won’t be solved by a lower dose of viagra or cialis! There are various possible solutions, all of which start with good communication, which might involve stopping to try something else other than PIV, stopping completely, or using lube, but not that.

Can you agree he finishes a different way…oral, hand (his, yours, both)? It seems the problem is the time it’s taking? If you can’t have sex without a pill then I’d suggest the approach needs to be how to improve sex with a pill.

As well as causing you pain and discomfort, I also don’t suppose he’s enjoying it much either… Pumping away relentlessly would be exhausting, and after a while would make him less lilely to cum. It’s just wrong to think that arousal will steadily jncrease the longer sex continues. I bet he feels he has to cum otherwise sex would be seen as “unsuccessful” and you’d be disappointed, so he bands away until he’s eventually able to get over the line.

Take away the expectation that he has to cum and the problem may go away.

Viagra doesn't make you last longer.