Lack of sex

[Dungeonsandsragons]

I’m a male in my mid 30’s my partner is the same age. We Got together 3 years ago. At the start we used to have sex all the time now lucky if it’s once in 2 weeks. She knows when I want to have sex but pretends like she doesn’t we would go to bed and there would be no interaction at all. What has happened. Why has sex just vanished. We have had no major issues in our relationship. Silly arguments like everyone. We are engaged and in the final preparations for our wedding and future together but just seems like something is off. She’s not stressed or anything. I constantly feel like I’m doing something wrong. Anytime we do have sex now it feels like it’s only if I do something for her. I need advice.

Don't get married.

You are only 3 years in and you are not compatible.

Split up and both move on.

Talk to her and listen carefully and consider her response. Or counselling might help. Don’t get married until you both understand what’s going on in each other’s heads. This won’t go away by magic.

This isn't a question that you can ask strangers, because the only person who you can really get the true answer from is your fiance.
There's so many different things that could be going on here.
From medical reasons to stress and work and household duty division inequities leading to feelings of annoyance and frustration.
This can be a difficult conversation, because to a lot of women, sex doesn't start under your clothes, it starts in your head.
A lot of men can separate the act of sex with everything else that's going on, and for a lot of women sex is just the final physical connection when a whole lot of other relationship connections have to be right first.
You'll probably get a number of helpful suggestions here saying the same thing, that it could be this and it could be that and it could be that, but when it comes down to what you're just going to have to talk to your fiance and ask.
I doubt that she simply doesn't find you physically attractive anymore, it's probably something else going on.

Why 2 post

You can't force her to want sex, if it's not a priority for her but it is for you then you've got a choice, suck it up and have less sex, or leave

Do you have kids? That might complicate matters

Why do you say “pretending”? You believe she secretly wants to have sex but is choosing not to for some reason? I find that odd.

As others have said, the only person who can tell you the reason for the lack of sex in your relationship is your partner so she’s the one you need to ask. HOWEVER, from experience, these are some reasons that have put me off sex:

• birth control reducing libido
• tiredness
• partner behaving in an unattractive manner e.g. not pulling their weight with chores or finances
• lack of foreplay - I don’t mean the physical warm-up before penetrative sex but general flirting, romance etc.

@Dungeonsandsragons This happened to me before I married my wife and, two decades later, things haven't improved and we now don't have sex.

Honestly: sexual compatibility is so important. Don't get married without it. You could have a conversation with her but, the chances are, she'll tell you what you want to hear. I'd honestly suggest unilaterally pulling out of the marriage.

I'll say this again: your sex life will not improve spontaneously.

Agree with this.

If you don’t have kids, I’d end the engagement and find someone who is sexually compatible with you. Read some of the Sexless Marriage threads on MN to get a flavour of how soul destroying years of rejecting sexual advances/sexual touch is.

If I'd have been given that advice then, the truth is I wouldn't have listened. I know it's a cliché, but life gives the test first and the lesson afterwards.

I also agree with that 😂

life isn’t easy. But he’s obviously concerned enough to post about it. So maybe he’ll do some deep reflection before his wedding. They both deserve a life of genuine happiness

Talk to her , not the internet - but also agree to certainly don’t get married as things stand

Let’s face it- calling off the wedding very late in the day is as good as ending the relationship.

I'd say she's getting it somewhere else...

Dude.

You HAVE to listen to what people here are telling you. We have been where you are. You had fantastic sex at the start of your relationship. You thought, this is great, you're compatible, she's wife material. Now, it's dwindling already and you're not even married yet. What will it be like when you are even further down the line and you add children and ageing into the mix?

This will not improve on its own. In fact, the longer it continues, the more it becomes "just the way things are" in your relationship and the harder it is to change.

I agree with @LochSunart , if I'd been told this at your stage I doubt I'd have listened either. The sex used to be so great, and she seemed to enjoy it so much! Getting married will reignite the spark surely. No it won't.

Talking won't help. There isn't really any talking to be done, because she doesn't see the situation as a problem.

If it was the case that, like you, she was longing for the sex you used to have, but if only you could stop doing whatever it is you're doing wrong that's putting her off sex with you (but somehow isn't quite bad enough to warrant calling off the wedding), then she would tell you.

I think that for many women, having lots of great sex for its own sake is a thing that is strictly restricted to the start of a new relationship. The mistake that many men make is to assume that this will simply continue for years down the line. But after that initial rush of attraction has faded, she actually has no real interest in sex, and wants it to be on a much more occasional basis (if at all) as you are discovering.

And this is okay! She is allowed to do this! BUT, surely she needs to marry a man who feels the same and who is on board with it.

Understand and accept that it does not matter at this point what sex USED to be like between you. Those days are gone as far as she is concerned. She is showing you NOW what it will be like once you are married. Listen to her.

You do not owe it to her to commit to a lifetime of this.

I don't know when you're meant to be getting married. Yes, calling it all off will be embarrassing and expensive. BUT. That will pass in a short while, and it will be much less pain and heartache than divorcing many years down the line once children are involved.

The later you leave it, the worse it will be.

You need to man up and do it.

@letshearitfortheboy I agree with every word of that.

@Dungeonsandsragons If you read MN regularly, you'll learn there are plenty of women who value an ongoing and meaningful sexual relationship with the man they love. Find one of those women. The woman you're on the verge of marrying isn't one.

@Dungeonsandsragons Read this, as an example of what you've got to look forward to:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/sex/5314079-sexless-marriages-support-thread?reply=143975952&utm_campaign=reply&utm_medium=share

I agree with this too!

Our of all the relationships I know where the woman has become less interested in sex, around 75% it is due to her either taking on an unequal share of the household chores, or taking on an unequal share of the planning/sorting/organising of them. In general, providing the sort of care to a man that you would to a child, is just fundamentally not at all sexy.

In your op you talk about minor rows and having to do things for her to get sex. I would challenge you to ask yourself how often are these two things related to split of domestic duties? And to ask her genuinely, whether she is happy with the current split? Does she think it’s 50/50? Does she ever think that you’re not pulling your weight.

By the law of probability, if there is a problem there and you genuinely fix it so that all domestic chores are half and half, it’s highly likely that your sex life will improve once she trusts that she can rely on you.

The OP's partner is showing clear signs of having no basic attraction to him. Housework is a red herring. If he takes this advice, he'll chase this for years and nothing will improve, by which time they'll have a child. She doesn't want to fuck him. The chemistry isn't there for her. It's not going to return because he does the dishes and books a holiday; if anything, that will just make things worse: he'll be 'safe'. That's not a turn-on, unless there's already basic and unquenchable chemistry. Don't give him false hope: it'll rob him of years of his life.

Attraction has a lot to do with it. Sexual compatibility and connection too. I wouldn’t have sex with my husband after a dull few years and lack of interest and increasing lack of attraction towards him.

It is my biggest regret that I didn’t end the marriage before I did as I spent most of my 23 year marriage without sex and affection. It just wasn’t there. We both worked and shared the chores etc. but lacked chemistry. Inexperienced on both sides. It was another man who woke me up!!

3 years is not a long time, so regularity of sex dwindling to once every other week after such a short time is not a good sign. Getting married will not change anything in terms of her sexual attraction to you, and to be honest it sounds like a bad idea. If it’s not good now, it certainly won’t be in 10 years time

Wow you're getting some shocking advice on here. Is the sex board just full of men moaning they don't have enough sex and other men advising ditch her mate it won't improve!
Firstly I would say if you love your fiancée and still really want to marry her then the sex can be worked on. Don't assume that ditching her and finding another gf will not result in exactly the same pattern. I should imagine your fiancée is a bit bored of the sex. Sometimes if it's predictable and a bit meh then women tend to see at as another chore. Woman like to feel sexy with their man. Maybe find her erogenous zones and build up slowly. There's nothing more sexy than sitting reading or watching tv, and your partner slowly stokes on a point that gets you going. Do it quietly with no expectations of sex. If you don't know her zones then you need to experiment. Could be back of her neck, ear, décolletéte, hair etc. You need to slowly excite her.
In my experience women go off sex because it's just not worth their energy. Make it worth her while.

It is odd that anyone in this situation would consider it “ditching” someone. This is a simple matter of incompatibility. They are only 3 years in, I suspect this is likely to be her likely future maximum level it is perfectly normal for some people.

Would you rather she was on here in a few years time about how she was feeling pressured to have more sex even though they only had sex once every couple of weeks before they got married? Or perhaps you would be advising OP talking about how unhappy his marriage is that he just needs to try this or that, all the while adding to the pressure on his DW who is confused as she thinks the current level to be a normal amount. She is already at the point of trying to avoid the issue, pretending she is unaware what OP wants. This is already unhealthy.

There will be people out there each of them will be more suited too. It is not “ditching” a person who you are incompatible with, it is setting each of you free to find who you are better suited too. Unpicking this in a couple of years when it means divorce is a far worse plan than avoiding the mistake to begin with.

@Thisistyresome You are assuming this is a "her" thing. In case you hadn't noticed sex is a two person thing. So it's not just down to her, it's "him" as well. You are also assuming people are constant in their sex lives, whereas in reality it's affected by many things and can change. A woman responds to who she's with, she may respond differently with another man. Her "future maximum level" as you so beautifully put it could increase massively with someone else, or it could increase with her current partner. If he was willing to recognise that what he is currently doing might have worked at the beginning of their relationship when attraction is high, but as things settle it needs to change. If he can't recognise this then for his fiancée's sake I agree maybe best to split up as he will be useless at working at a long-term marriage that will have many twists and turns.