Lack of sex

[Dungeonsandsragons]

I’m a male in my mid 30’s my partner is the same age. We Got together 3 years ago. At the start we used to have sex all the time now lucky if it’s once in 2 weeks. She knows when I want to have sex but pretends like she doesn’t we would go to bed and there would be no interaction at all. What has happened. Why has sex just vanished. We have had no major issues in our relationship. Silly arguments like everyone. We are engaged and in the final preparations for our wedding and future together but just seems like something is off. She’s not stressed or anything. I constantly feel like I’m doing something wrong. Anytime we do have sex now it feels like it’s only if I do something for her. I need advice.

I agree with this from my own personal experience in my first long-term relationship. Great sex for first couple of years, then it tailed off to once every couple of weeks. We were still both in our mid 20s so I was wondering what had caused her sex drive to drop off. Fact was that she hadn’t lost her desire for sex; she’d just lost her desire for me.

@AreWeThereYet25

Don't assume that ditching her and finding another gf will not result in exactly the same pattern.

So are you saying that over time ALL relationships gravitate towards this dynamic where one partner gatekeeps sex, pretending not to know what the other wants, while the other partner scrambles around playing the eternal guessing game trying to work out what it is they're doing wrong? Is that just how sex works in a healthy relationship? Because it sounds toxic to me. Or is it only men like myself and the OP who are somehow so pathetic that this is the only kind of relationship we deserve, and we should be grateful for it.

You're telling the OP he deserves misery, not happiness.

In case you hadn't noticed sex is a two person thing.

In a long-term relationship where both partners are still enjoying frequent, quality sex after many years, surely it's the case that both partners are sex positive people who have an interest in sex for its own sake, and work at keeping the spark alive. They communicate if there are problems, and crucially don't spend their energy coming up with endless reasons to have the "ick" with their long-term partners.

@letshearitfortheboy
So are you saying that over time ALL relationships gravitate towards this dynamic where one partner gatekeeps sex
Of course not, what a strange conclusion you've come to...and since when has not wanting to have sex suddenly become "gatekeeping"? People should have autonomony over their own bodies, it doesn't mean they are controlling or deliberately holding back to be mean. I suspect you've been reading too much from very toxic sources.
Don't "scrabble around" as you put it, have a mature conversation with your partner and work on things together.
Most people are sex positive, we're all designed that way biologically! But in a relationship it's more than that. Surely in a relationship you're with someone who specifically wants sex with you, not just wants sex for the act, because that's pretty meaningless and if that's the case why even bother with a relationship.

You appear to be trying to disagree, but all your arguments agree with my suggestion.

Why would it be a “her” thing? If he has a long-term libido significantly above hers that is a mismatch, it doesn’t make it either’s fault. Even if her libido in long term relationships is lower then the average woman that wouldn’t make it a “her” problem. Just as if his was above average it wouldn’t be a “his” problem. It is a mismatch. It is interesting that you want this to be a “goodies and baddies” issue. It is not they are not compatible.

While I agree that different people can have different libidos with different people, but if you have a really low libido with one person in a long term relationship but normally have a much higher one, and that mismatch causes issues then you should go and find someone who you are more matched too. Which you concede but in a weirdly blamey way. Some how OP must be at fault!

There is also a serious communication issue here, she is avoiding the issue. So obviously they don’t communicate well. Communication is more importantly a 2 person thing, more fundamental than sex in relationships. Another indication they are not suited.

You seem to have a severely skewed world view. Statements like “Don't assume that ditching her and finding another gf will not result in exactly the same pattern.” Well perhaps the next one will be the same pattern and the next but the one after is different we can’t know. Just as for her there may be several failures before a success. She does not benefit from being in an unsuitable relationship, just as the OP doesn’t. Perhaps take a less competitive and transactional view of life.

Have you reflected on whether sex with you is truly satisfying for her? Or are you just keeping her awake for ages without her climaxing? And don’t comfort yourself with the thought that she used to seem to enjoy it. Forget your ego and use your words. If orgasms were guaranteed you’d be much harder to resist. You are probably not as good in bed as you like to think you are.

Possible. But my guess is that her reaction will be, "I'm just not that bothered about sex," and she'll show no desire for better sex: oral, massage/touching, with the focus on her etc. Because the brutal truth is she doesn't desire him, and no amount of effort on his part will change that. They'll limp along then eventually split up and she'll meet a man she can't keep her hands off.