Confused by partner's desires

[IHE]

My new partner is turning out to be quite adventurous when it comes to sex. (HRT is a likely factor.)
Whilst I'm happy to join in with everything so far and actively enjoy some, several are definitely not things I've suggested, nor would I consider doing so so soon.

What I'm finding hard to get my head round is that some of the things she's wanting to do are the sort of things that men frequently get criticised for wanting because they're misogynistic or "because that's what they see in porn."

We're of a similar vintage and these are not the sort of things that featured in your average top shelf mags when we were teens and 20s. She has initiated a couple of conversations about porn, is adamant that she doesn't watch it, "but is happy to". I hadn't asked and I'm unconvinced by her protestations.

Whilst it's all fun so far, these male-centric desires are also a little confusing, so I would really value some female perspective.

Don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with. I’m guessing you’re referring to choking or slapping. I personally don’t know any women who like it, but there must be some-I wonder if she is saying she likes it to appeal to you? Some women possibly pretend to be very adventurous because that’s what they think men like.

Neither of those.
And I won't be crossing my limits (which would include choking).

Juat do what you're comfortable with, make or female it doesn't make any difference.

Honestly you received some good advice on your previous thread ( I gave you some sound advice about your boundaries). But at the time you laughed it off and went off to lap it up sex 3 times a day not to upset her…. was short lived. HRT doesn’t give you the right to impose what you want. I feel that she feels that because you are a male, that consent is not a two wat thing.

I take it one of the things she’s referring to is anal sex?

And I appreciated that advice.

@IHE I don’t think this is the woman for you. It maybe that you are too shy or scared to communicate your needs or boundaries. She communicates well in the other hand but it goes back to your first post where you asked how to say “No” nicely.

You may be right that we're not suited. Don't get me wrong though - I don't mind sex 3 times a day, or getting groped without warning ... sometimes. But I don't think it's unreasonable to be heard, first time, if I say "No".

And I've just never (knowingly) met a woman who actively wants to deep-throat or rim her partner, who wants to watch porn (possibly more than she's saying), and asks for a dick pic but complains when it's not erect. (None of these have been my suggestion and there's more too.) I'm happy to join in, and I get that not all women want the same thing, but having come from a sexless marriage with a feminist activist, I guess it's sometimes difficult to trust the reality. If I ask my partner, her best answer is "This is just who I am," which is fine on some levels. So I'm trying to get another perspective.

I think you know what type of sex you want. I came out of a sexless marriage but it didn’t make me do things I wasn’t comfortable with. The things she wants to do are not unreasonable but if you do not like being on the receiving end of it, you are not unreasonable either.
The sex she wants does sound quite porn driven though ….
Have you actually said no to her and nothing happened or has she persisted until you gave into having sex? It sounds a bit odd that she’s so relentless. Once or twice when my partner hasn’t wanted sex I have taken it quite personally and stopped immediately even though he still wanted to still cuddle up.

You make her sound so extreme- everything written about her seems totally normal to me (and I’m a feminist too). I definitely don’t think you’re compatible sexually. Might be kinder/easier to end things sooner?

and fwiw if a woman asks for a dick pic- she wants it erect 😂

@Gymbunny2025 i don’t agree with you … these sex acts are not everyone’s cup of tea. While they are not completely wild they are not as common.

As an annecdote, when I was dating, guys would send me pics of their dicks… was so relieved my partner didn’t as I really liked him and it would have spoilt it for me. It was a nice surprise to find he was the most well endowed out of the bunch 😅

I’m not saying they are everyone’s cup of tea. But they are hers which is the point (and not his). And to me wanting a lot of sex, watching porn and other things he’s mentioned are also my normal. It just means they are not compatible.

and she ASKED for the dick pic. That’s totally different (and something again I love in a relationship)

I’m an early 50’s female and also out of a sexless marriage (my doing as no attraction, spark, chemistry and he was very poor in that area - he didn’t flick my switch). I wouldn’t ask for what this woman is asking for - even when I was high on hormones during menopause (and horny as hell). I find it way OTT. I agree that you aren’t compatible. What is she like elsewhere? When you spend time away from the bedroom, I mean.

I prefer lots of sensual stuff and loads of passionate kissing, touching and lots of teasing/foreplay (in advance of passionate sex, of course) but anything like rimming, degrading, misogynistic behaviour is a big NO from me.

Where did you meet her? How old is she?

@middleagebumpyroad I'm not suggesting her desires a unreasonable, and it's a whole lot of fun to be on the receiving end. It's just really surprising to be on rhe receiving end. Still, every day's a school day!
Yes, I've said no, in both sexual and asexual situations. It seems to take repetition for her to take it on board and then she gets a bit like a scolded child: if anything ends the relationship, it's more likely to be that.

@Gymbunny2025 From where I'm standing, current narratives seem to suggest these are things that women don't want to do. To find that some do is quite an eye opener and, if the relationship ends, I hope to find another. 😁 (And thanks for the dick pic advice. If ever I get asked again, at least I know the etiquette now. 🤣)

@OpalFruitsMakeYourMouthWater We're both mid 50s and met online. Away from the bedroom is ok. Sometimes it's really good. She can be a bit needy (her word) and is obviously further down the road to The L Word than I am, and she's got there remarkably quickly. It's possible I might get there too, given time.
The sex you allude to is more what I expected from middle-aged dating ... and really nice! What we're having is also really good - the complete antithesis of when I was married - so it would be a shame to miss out on that.

Thanks for all your input.
It's only been a couple of months, and I was days away from giving up on online dating, so I'll give it some more time.

@IHE It sounds like you’re enjoying it anyway and I’m sure it’s fun for you after being in a sexless marriage. I’m guessing this lady is in the midst of menopause and is probably under a stronger sex drive than normal - she may settle down, she may not. What’s her backstory? Was she in a sexless marriage too?

Yes, she's said HRT has given her libido back.
Yes, she was in a long term, sexless relationship.
And yes, we're both enjoying it.

I'm a woman and I genuinely like being slapped during sex play - it seems to release some rush of adrenaline or happy hormones in me for some reason - I find it really exciting.

I do however assume I am very unusual in this, perhaps wired a little oddly, and that it should NOT be assumed by anyone that most or many women enjoy this.

I also didn't get the idea from porn - I have never watched porn and actually object to it strenuously. I just always kind of knew that I found certain kinds of pain/consensual violence exciting and arousing. It's something I have only explored with a couple of partners, as I will only ask for it if I feel 100% confident the man is fully consenting and not feeling pressured by me in any way. And I got that wrong actually with my last ex, who after we broke up told me he had found all that stuff really conflicting. So it may well be something I never do again, and that is fine, rather than risk upsetting or pressurising a partner.

Do you have any idea how you came to know this?
Some of things my partner is surprising me with are quite "porn". Without seeing them in porn, the only way I see the ideas came to her are through a partner, but that doesn't seem to fit with her dating history in the years when such sex acts have become culturally visible.

I had to change my name for this as I don't usually post in this section but I wanted to say please don't make your partner feel ashamed for asking for these things. I have been in her shoes but it's taken me a long time to trust a partner enough to be able to open up and talk about what I want. Often I have felt ashamed or worried about how it would be perceived and so felt very vulnerable. Obviously don't do anything you aren't comfortable with but please be gentle with her and don't make her feel like a freak.

Thank you for posting this- puts into words very eloquently my feelings too. People like what they like. Theres no need to analyse it! If it’s not for you then just move on.

And saying her ideas must have come from porn or another partner, trying to work out which… isn’t very 21st century!

Obviously the way I'm expressing myself is failing to convey my feelings about this.
I LIKE WHAT SHE'S DOING!!!!!
I'M NOT JUDGING HER!!!!
(Hope the use of uppercase helps clear that up. 🤣)

@Gymbunny2025 I get what you're saying about "21st century", and I'm absolutley not trying to be argumentative, but reading countless other threads on the MN Sex board, as well as other mainstream polemic, the recieved wisdom is that if someone likes deep-throat, or cum facials, or hair pulling etc etc etc, it's because of their prevalence in porn. In my head at least, it's quite unlikely that someone would just wake up one morning and think (eg) "you know what, I really want to be slapped across the face while having sex." My gut says such proclivities are usully the result of something extrinsic. The lazy assumption it that it's porn, but as I've said, my partner says she doesn't watch it. (That she wants to watch porn is, I think, correlated but not causal.) So, as she's not forthcoming, I'm curious to understand how she might have come to like them.
One answer might be that a previous partner introduced them. But with her sexual history, that would likely be before the millennium, and these were not widely discussed sexual activities in the 1980s and 1990s ... or not my 1980s and 1990s. (Maybe they were more common than I experienced, and that would be a valid explanation.)
I completly accept that different people like different things (some of what I like isn't exactly vanilla, but I can't say I've not been influenced by porn, and other things (eg rimming) I've been introduced to by other partners) and if no one gets damaged and it's legal, I say Enjoy!!! I'm just trying to understand, not judge.

(And again, I'm not trying to be argumentative, just explain my thoughts in a way that they aren't misconstrued. I'm genuinly grateful for others' thoughts.)

Sometimes something seemingly insignificant or from ages ago can stick in your mind as erotic and becomes a go-to fantasy. Perhaps she read 50 shades of grey or an article in a magazine or something similar and it sparked her imagination?

Hair pulling, BDSM, giving someone else control etc has been around far longer than you think. She clearly feels safe with you and wants to explore.

I think a lot of this is coming out of nowhere for you, hence why its a gut reaction of yes or no.

I've been far more intentional with my current partner and our sex life.

My partner and I have a fk it list. 3 columns with Hell Yes (stuff we've done before and want to continue to do) Hell nope (Stuff that we have or have not tried and don't want to experience again) and a Want to Explore column. This is where the interesting conversations happen because it was surprising the stuff that was there that we matched on, and the things we definitely didn't! This helps you both know what is and is not on the table. The list is ever evolving too, with one of my previous hell nos, moving to maybe, now being on the hell yes. But this movement is rare and shouldn't be an expectation.

Framing it as "feeling safe" is not something I'd really considered. I'd be hurt if she didn't, but it's a flattering thought nonetheless.