Difficult sex situation

[Jasonp86]

Hey, I’m 34 and have a partner of 13 years and we have a 6yr old together.
I have a really really high sex drive, recently my partner just doesn’t seem that interested. I’m quite large and girthy and cum a lot so when I finish I feel an instant high, release and de-stressed and this will last all day but when I don’t cum it builds up and makes me feel miserable.
my partners gone through phases where penetrating her hurts her, which is fine I would never want her in pain and especially for my pleasure and I can understand how this is putting her off wanting to have sex but I’m struggling with the lack of intimacy when I feel like I could easily have sex or engage in some sort of activity at least once a day.
does anyone have any advice on how to overcome this? I love her to pieces but Is it just a long term relationship dying out or can it be fixed? Thank you

What on earth does your penis size have to do with your sex drive?

I was saying that my size is larger and my partner is in pain when we have sex and this could be a contributing factor

Sorry to let you know @Jasonp86 the reason she finds it painful is because you’ve not worked hard enough to get her in the mood not because of your size. It sounds more like your wife is being pressured when not really in the mood. Focus on getting her in the mood by helping lighten her load during the day, being thoughtful and kind and no pressure for sex. You might find this approach works better

Thank you for your advice, I’ve always done my best and tried romantic evenings and giving her a massage before hand but it’s always led to the same result

It sounds like you have huge problems

It probably takes more than a massage to get her really receptive, try getting her off (or helping her to get off) first. Plus you don’t have to have penetrative sex to be satisfied every time; if penetration is hurting her sometimes, switch to something else?

Tried many times with the same result, few years ago the sex started to slow down but we still had amazing times with oral but not that seems to have come to a complete stop as well, this is why im worried that the relationship is dying out and we’re just becoming friends really

You've been together 13yrs, so realistically if a penis was the barrier then that surely would have been approached in earlier years. It sounds like something else is the issue in my opinion but who knows

What does she say when you discuss the matter?

She says that it hurts her and that she’s scared of trying which is completely fine, I’d never want to cause her pain but then if I suggest oral or something to make it a bit more exciting she hasn’t got time, she’s tired.. it just seems like we’re just friends now with the odd hand job every now and then which personally I don’t find enough for me.

She’s probably touched out and talked out by caring for your child. Perhaps trying to be intimate without pressure of any sexual activity might help get her in the mood.

Instead of focusing on what she doesn't want @Jasonp86 have you asked her what she does want?

Have you had this conversation after you've put your 6 year old to bed and you've cooked her a lovely meal? What's her response?

we’re very lucky that my little one likes to stay at their grand parents a couple of times a month for the night and we have a lot of time together where I will cook for her, give her massages, bath together, but then it normally leads to her just wanting to cuddle into me and watch a movie or something, she just doesn’t seem to have any sex drive

2 days where you look after her probably doesn’t make up for the other 29 days… especially as you are obviously expecting sex for your efforts. When my kids were young, any rare night off was always me wanting to sleep and relax. If you tried the cuddling without expecting sex you may find it happens more often.

I’d say I look after her most of the time we have together, I work nights, I do a lot of the school runs, I do a lot of the cooking, most of the cleaning, I get life is still tiring but I do a lot and I provide for the family, but maybe I do need to back off but then it’s difficult when I have needs and currently and for a long time now they’re not being met, I just don’t know what to do

@Jasonp86 I think you’ve possibly come worse off here than you should, this is MN and generally speaking when a man moans about a Lack of sex it rarely ends well. Most jump to the conclusion that you they must be a shit husband and lazy, and see their partner as a piece of meat, which of course isn’t always the case.

BUT, your posts are very much all about YOU. And this is your issue. Focus on your wife’s needs and wants and not yours. Take a (big) step back from sex, and instead suggest cuddles and a film. Take the pressure off her and let her want sex with you rather than feeling pressured into having sex with you.

As others have already said, a massage is unlikely to get her in the mood , your wife will think/know you are doing it so the end result is sex.

A bath together is a similar scenario, instead run her a bath ready for when she gets home, don’t get in with her and just leave her to it whilst you prepare dinner etc.

Your size has nothing to do with it, if a baby can come out of her then a slightly larger than average dick will be fine, if it’s used in the right way and your focus is on her and not you.

Thank you so much for your post, j really appreciate it and understand it a bit clearer! I think you’re 100% right, I need to focus on her and give her more time to want it when she’s ready.

Interesting that your response @Jasonp86 is about what you do to your wife rather than answering my question.

I think that says a lot - @Smithey588 's reply expands on this observation well.

Does your OH work? I’m just wondering as going from work to then parenting all evening (while you are starting work) then doing the morning getting ready routine will mean when she has those 2 nights off a month she will just want to chill and relax. Im not saying that’s your fault as you seem very supportive. For me I’m not the sort of person to have ‘duty sex’ but I found getting regular time to myself (I went to the gym) really helped my libido. Plus as kids get older things can get easier too. Good luck!

She wants to cuddle and watch a movie. I’d find the massages and baths too much I have to say

And YES to this- take the pressure off and let her want to have sex with you.

I didn't read that as an active deliberate conversation about their long term sex life. I read that as how their evenings naturally evolve.

I see what you mean. But imho sometimes actions speak louder than words. Especially as sex issues are incredibly difficult to be completely open and honest about.

But absolutely do agree with you he should ask and listen to what she wants. And she should listen to what he is missing too.

I completely agree with @Smithey588
As long as she worries everything you do is just a means to an end towards sex, she won't relax and enjoy it. It may even come across as quite manipuative.

If you want her to stop being afraid of sex, especially when it's been painful in the past, you need to back off. Let her feel in control.
If you absolutely must have an orgasm a day to destress, there are plenty of ways you can do that on your own. It doesn't have to involve her meeting your very high needs.

I completely get where you’re coming from, I had a conversation with her and explained how I’m feeling and she agreed that she hasn’t made any effort sexually with me for a very long time and she doesn’t feel she will in the near future because she’s just lost interest because of the pain and she doesn’t want to try medical or professional help and I 100% understand that but then I’m left in what feels like a very miserable place and don’t know what to do when it’s something I enjoy so much and mentally it makes me feel amazing