Fwb and sexless life

[Maz31]

Hi Everyone, it is a long read, but I would appreciate it if you took some time to read it and give valuable feedback, especially if someone who went through something similar.

I'm 31, married for 4 years now, and have a 2 year old kid. Me and my wife had great sex life before the kid and it was very romantic and very intense like it should be.

But for the past 3 years, it went downhill, and now we are at a point where we rarely touch each other. I spoke to her countless times, and she said she feels tired and she prefers if we just have a quickie. But I have a very high sex drive, and I like to take things slowly in a more passionate way and enjoy every minute of it. Now I have come to a point where I don't ask her for it, and she never asked me either. I met a woman on Tinder who was on holiday in london sadly it was just one off, and we had an epic sex, it was passionate and very romantic which gave me a reason to find someone else for fwb who has similar needs like me.

But before finding someone, I just need advice regarding her behaviour, just wanted to know if that's common in women after kids and am I giving up too soon? Just need confirmation and some advice as well before dipping my toes into something else and living with no regret. If your advice is to talk to her or go to a therapist, I have done everything in 3 years. Also, how comfortable and willing are women to be in a fwb relationship with a married guy?

I think my wires are crossed here…did you have an affair, or a consensual FWB hookup?

Your post gives the impression of an affair, in which case, you’re a massive dick. Should have done the marriage counselling before the betrayal, no?

Does your wife know you've sticked your dick in someone else?!

I was on tinder for 2 days and met the women there, which was fortunate i guess. It was an affair by the looks of it but I had no other option. It was just one off though.

In that case, you’re a cunt. Congratulations.

You can try counselling, but you’ve just added a whole level by putting your dick in a random.

Thanks for your generous reply, following your desires and happiness can not make me a cunt.

Ah poor you. I can see that you absolutely had no other option at all...

What's a man to do?

Hope your wife leaves you

Apparently it can! Who knew?

I see, only women need good sex and can have fwb partners but men can not. Fair enough

From one man to another - your behaviour is pathetic. The way you talk about 'the kid' speaks volumes.

Is it a fair bet that your wife was caring for 'the kid' when you were out breaking your marriage vows?

The way you have written your post screams entitlement. Can you not see that blindly following your own dreams and happiness when it comes at the expense of others is not something that makes one a good person.

It's mumsnet. If a woman comes here and complains that her husband does not want sex, the responses are that it's his fault and she's free to find a discreet FWB. If a man comes here and complains that his wife does not want sex, the responses are it's his fault anyway, no one is owed sex and he should stick to wanking.

(I'm a woman btw but the double standards here are shocking)

The people entitled to FWBs are either

• single

or

• in an open, non-monogamous relationship

You appear to be in neither camp.

Gender has no bearing on it.

Serious ick

Ive noticed this and commented on it. One poster, within minutes, posted on two threads whose topics were almost exactly the same thing but the genders were reversed. The advice the poster gave couldn't have been more different.

Having said that, the OP did download Tinder and go out hunting for sex very quickly into the marriage issues and is only now saying, what should I do?I think hes already done it.

You're cheating on your wife, if you're expecting help and encouragement then you've come to the wrong place.
Do your wife a huge favour and leave her.

Nonsense. For every one person saying that you will get 20 saying it's not ok. It wouldn't surprise me at all if the posters saying it's fine are actually men anyway. They're next move is then probably PMing the OP.

I’m not referring to this situation but I think sometimes gender does make a difference. For example if a man isn’t getting sex because his wife is touched out and exhausted by HIS kids vs if a woman isn’t getting sex because her husband prefers watching porn. It would be very rare for those situations to be reversed. Obviously there’s a lot of grey in the middle but to me the specific set of circumstances would determine what I would personally do in a situation.

I do all all the housework AND hold down the full time job, while also caring for our daughter... Not everyone is the same 😉

I didn’t say everyone is the same. But do you feel touched out caring for your daughter? To mean you have zero libido?

Sorry I dont understand the question. My libido is off the charts every day :(

Yes that’s what I meant- the difference of opinions based on gender is for example because a woman’s libido often (not always) tanks when caring for young kids due to feeling touched out. This particular reason rarely applies to men. Hence one of the reasons for differing responses based on genders

Oooh, this isn’t going to go your way OP.

Basically, you can’t have your cake and eat it.

You have to choose handling the issues within your marriage together as a team or wave goodbye and start again.

You can’t choose unilaterally to start poking other women with your neglected winky.

You should tell your wife …

Then she can also go out and get herself someone else who has more respect for her .

The way you say kid like it’s getting in the way of you getting your dick wet …

I can see why your partner doesn’t want sex with you …

I'm not sure I tend to see a positive response for either sex if you've gone out and accessed something extramarital without permission.

I'm of the idea that if you'd come on here pre cheating then people may have suggested raising the issues with her, seeing what the response was and talking like adults as to how you work through this and survive together. This may have potentially meant opening discussions ENM, or seeking therapy etc. Having a child is hard, draining, as a female it can cause a lot of issues in that area including things like incontinence which can really impact how you approach sex. Not to mention often being a default parent, the mental load etc.

The fact that instead you chose to destroy your partners self esteem and worth. Showing her in the most awful way how you don't value her as a human by purposely going on tinder and hunting another hole to use instead of facing your issues means you get nothing. I'm sure you'll feel really great when your child grows up and finds out what type of man you are.
And I'd say the exact same if you were a female. Cheating is low ball, real low ball. It's bad enough when things just happen, but you went searching for it.
As someone who was cheated on, it took me almost a decade to love myself again so well done. I hope she absolutely destroys your reputation when she finds out.